UNIDENTIFIED WHITE HOUSE AIDE
I would like to thank you all again for agreeing to meet with the President on such short notice. I know that all of you, like the President, have very busy schedules. In order that we keep the President on his, I would like to.... excuse me sir, what are you doing?
JOHN AMATO
Who, me?
AIDE
Yes.
JOHN AMATO
I'm just taking one of these souvenir pens.
AIDE
I'm sorry sir, that is the Abraham Lincoln fountain pen. The one used to sign the Emancipation Proclamation.
JOHN AMATO
So it stays here? On the desk?
AIDE
Yes.
JOHN AMATO
Hey man, my bad. I'll put it right back in the holder thingy.
AIDE
As I was saying...
JOHN AMATO
How about this ashtray?
AIDE
No sir. We will distribute a few small personal gifts to you at the conclusion of the meeting. As I was saying, the President is on a tight schedule today, so in order to make yours a productive meeting it is important that we keep it brisk and to the point. First I'd like to give you some protocol.
BARBARA MORRILL
Is that anything like Darvocet? Because if it is I better have just a half-hit, I'm already on my third gin since lunch.
AIDE
No ma'am. Protocol is the formal etiquette we use here for meetings. Sir?
JOHN AMATO
Sorry, just checking out the desk drawers.
AIDE
As I was saying, when the President enters the room you should all stand and I will introduce you one by one for handshakes and greetings. When the President takes his seat you then should feel free to return to yours. During the course of the meeting, please leave time for everyone in your group to converse with the President and for him to respond to your questions and remarks. I will alert you with this hand signal to let you know when you have one minute left. After wrapping up, this signal will tell you to rise from your seat for the President's departure and for photos. After the President leaves, I will escort you to the exit where you will each be given a small token of appreciation for your visit. Are there any questions? Yes sir.
DUNCAN BLACK
Are we getting one of those Obama hats? Because I take a 9 3/8.
AIDE
Yes, that's quite a forehead you have there sir. I'll see if we have any of that size in stock. Ma'am?
BARBARA MORRILL
Yeah, I have a question. What is it with all these fascist rules? Stand up, sit down, stand up sit down. Goddamn it, I thought we voted to get rid of the fucking Bush police state.
AIDE
I'm sorry ma'am, that's just the way the Oval Office... sir, are you eating?
OLIVER WILLIS
Yeah, no thanks to that shitty all-salad cafeteria you people run.
AIDE
Sir, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to stop. Eating is not allowed in the Oval Office. Sir, please, you're getting alfredo sauce on the divan....
BARBARA MORRILL
Fascist! Fascist! Fascist!
DUNCAN BLACK
Fascist! Fascist!
JOE SUDBAY
Fascist! Fascist! Give me back my Blackberry!
[unintelligible chanting]
BARBARA MORRILL
Hey, Willis! Stop bogarting the alfredo sauce!
[two minute tape gap]
UNIDENTIFIED SECRET SERVICE AGENT
Code green at alpha zone, repeat code green at alpha zone. Area secure. Will that be all sir?
AIDE
Thank you again Agent O'Neill. Yes, that will be all.
BARBARA MORRILL
Teabagger pig!
AIDE
Ma'am, if you engage in one more outburst I will have you escorted from the room.
BARBARA MORRILL
You don't scare me, pal. Do you know who I am? I write for DailyKos. I can destroy your career in one blog post and...
AIDE
And I can cut you off from any further gin.
BARBARA MORRILL
AIDE
I'm sorry, were you going to say something?
BARBARA MORRILL
AIDE
How's that again?
BARBARA MORRILL
AIDE
Uh huh, yeah I thought so. Now let's all practice rising and sitting for the President. Alright, everybody rise.... and sit. Rise.... and sit. Rise...
OLIVER WILLIS
Holy... sweet... Christ... [gasping] I think my left ventricle seized up...
DUNCAN BLACK
I'm getting a little... light... head...ed...
[loud crash]
AIDE
Holy crap! His head went through that solid oak coffee table like a wrecking ball! Somebody call the... sir! What the hell are you doing with that razor blade!?
JOHN AMATO
Who, me?
AIDE
Yes, you!
JOHN AMATO
Oh. This. Hey man, I thought the paintings were for visitors.
AIDE
Jennifer, turn off the tape!
[3 minute gap]
AIDE
Alright everyone, please rise for the President of the United States.
PRESIDENT OBAMA
Hello everyone. It is very much a pleasure to meet you. Let me say that your bravery and determination to surmount the many obstacles you face has been an inspiration to so many people around the country. You have shown that people with your condition can overcome and lead lives of near-independence. Would you like to see where I sit behind my desk?
AIDE
Mr. President, I think you are confusing this meeting with your 3pm meeting.
PRESIDENT OBAMA
Did I? I am so sorry. So what condition do these folks have?
AIDE
Sir, this is the progressive Netroots blogger group you were briefed on this morning.
DUNCAN BLACK
Hi!
PRESIDENT OBAMA
Ummm... are you sure this isn't the 3 o'clock group?
AIDE
Yes sir. It's right here in your Outlook calendar under "meet with base."
OLIVER WILLIS
Sorry about the gravy stains.
PRESIDENT OBAMA
Oh God. I mean, oh golly! I've been looking forward to this meeting all day.
AIDE
Mr. President, may I present Ms. Barbara Morrill of the DailyKos....
PRESIDENT OBAMA
Hello, I've heard so many good things about your work.
AIDE
Mr. Joe Sudbay of Americablog Gay....
PRESIDENT OBAMA
Hello, I've heard so many good things about your work.
AIDE
Mr. John Amato of Crooks and Liars....
PRESIDENT OBAMA
Hello, I've heard so many good things about your work.
AIDE
Mr. Duncan Black, also known as Atrios of Eschaton...
PRESIDENT OBAMA
Do you go by Duncan, Atrios or Eschaton? That's one hell of a lump you have there...
DUNCAN BLACK
That OK. Me break head lots.
AIDE
...and Mr. Oliver Willis.
PRESIDENT OBAMA
By golly, we got us a big fella here! That's quite a suit you have on. Do you mind if I ask who your tailor is?
OLIVER WILLIS
Thank you Mr. President. It's actually the dust cover for Mr. Soros' Bentley. My mom added the lapels.
PRESIDENT OBAMA
Thanks everyone for being here. As you all know, I share your passion for the progressive cause and creating a fairer, more equitable society for all Americans. It was largely thanks to committed support of progressives like you that I have the presidency. As you know, we are fighting a tough midterm election campaign to make sure we can move forward with a positive agenda. In order to do that, I will need you to get the word out to your many hundreds of readers to rebuild enthusiasm in the progressive base. What sorts of policy proposals would resonate with your readers?
JOE SUDBAY
Repeal Don't Ask Don't Tell.
OLIVER WILLIS
Close Gitmo.
BARBARA MORRILL
End the Bush tax cuts.
JOHN AMATO
Surrender to the Taliban.
DUNCAN BLACK
Bigger hats.
JOE SUDBAY
Extend unemployment 4000 weeks.
OLIVER WILLIS
Make unemployment illegal.
JOHN AMATO
Curbstomp Palin.
BARBARA MORRILL
Nuclear attack Texas.
OLIVER WILLIS
Reform gravy care.
DUNCAN BLACK
Aspirin.
PRESIDENT OBAMA
How much time do we have left in this meeting?
AIDE
42 Minutes.
PRESIDENT OBAMA
Do the sign thing.
AIDE
Thank you all for coming, but unfortunately the President must be leaving now.
PRESIDENT OBAMA
I deeply appreciate your help in this difficult election cycle. Please don't forget to pick up your blogger press kit on your way out.
AIDE
Alright everyone, please gather around the President for a group commemorative photo, and....
FLASHBULB
*Foosh*
AIDE
...good. Thank you for your time, and God Bless the United States of America.
DOOR
*slam*
JOE SUDBAY
Well that was a waste of time.
JOHN AMATO
Oh, I don't know.
OLIVER WILLIS
How's that?
JOHN AMATO
I got his wallet.
