JEBEDAIAH BURGUNDY
Welcome to Springfield and the 1858 debate for the United States Senate seat from the great state of Illinois, brought to you by the Sangamon County Picayune-Gazetteer. We have a full agenda of issues to discuss so let us proceed directly to the introductions. Our debate participants tonight, from left to right, are incumbent Senator Stephen A. Douglas [applause], Republican candidate Abraham Lincoln [applause], Whig candidate Eli T. Quincy [applause], Barrelhooper candidate Jehosephat V. McPherson [applause], Monarchist party candidate Nimrod B. Trump [applause], Armageddonite party candidate Cassius Vandersnatch [applause], Tobaccocrat K. Balthazaar Cruddup [applause], Oxen Droverist Zebedee Z. Zwinglehammer [applause], Anti-Papist party candidate Epaphrus Yokum [applause], Jahaziel Paul of the Pewter Standard party [applause], Sangamon County Fair champion dairy cow Bossie [applause], and Springfield's beloved town drunk Whiskey Pete [applause].
And I am Jebedaiah Burgundy, editor and columnist of the Sangamon County Picayune-Gazetteer. Remember, read the Picayune-Gazetteer for all the latest comings and goings of Springfield and surrounding townships. As moderator and timekeeper of this evening's debate I will remind our participants of the ground rules. I will address a question to you, following which you will have 30 seconds to respond. Following your response, the other candidates will have 10 seconds to rebut. If you surpass your allotted time, I will alert you by depressing the bellows of this claxon...
CLAXON
PHREEEEOOOP
JEBEDAIAH BURGUNDY
...following which you will be asked to cease. I will remind our participants that interruptions shall not be brooked, and that they will refrain from using their spittoons and snuffboxes while their opponents are speaking. I will also ask our audience to refrain from catcalls, vegetable throwing, huzzahs, demonstrations, or remonstrations of any kind during our program. Please remain in your seats until the end, for one lucky member of our audience will win a free five year subscription to the Picayune-Gazetteer, a one dollar value. The Picayune-Gazetteer, the swine trader's friend.
The order of tonight's questions have been selected at random, so let us proceed to the issues. My first question is for Bossie the milkcow. In what way does your blue ribbon prize prepare you for the Senate?
BOSSIE
mmmmooaaahh
JEBEDAIAH BURGUNDY
Thank you. Cassius Vandersnatch, your rebuttal.
CASSIUS VANDERSNATCH
Jebedaiah, as it is written in Revelations, "woe unto man, for theirs will be a great tribulation wheneth the beasts of the fields shall enter the temple, and..."
CLAXON
PHREEEEOOOP
JEBEDAIAH BURGUNDY
Senator Douglas?
STEPHEN A. DOUGLAS
I must agree with my esteemed opponent Mr. Vandersnatch. It is too early for bovine suffrage.
JEBEDAIAH BURGUNDY
Zebedee Z. Zwinglehammer?
ZEBEDEE Z. ZWINGLEHAMMER
Why, that scrawny heifer? Why she could hardly tote a conestoga up a hill, let alone a creek bed. The senate is a job for oxen!
JEBEDAIAH BURGUNDY
Whiskey Pete?
WHISKEY PETE
She ain't got no cloven hooves. Consarnit, if that's good enough fer Moses it's good enough fer me!
JEBEDAIAH BURGUNDY
Let me now switch to another topic on the minds of Springfieldians. As you all know, the cost of barrels has shot up recently, with local coopers now charging as much as six bits. What will you do to help keep salt storage affordable for average citizens? Jehosephat V. McPherson.
JEHOSEPHAT V. MCPHERSON
I'm glad you asked that question, Jebedaiah. As a barrelhooper myself, I recognize that the dream of barrel ownership is escaping the average Springfieldian. That is why I am proposing a barrel stimulus program to provide universal barrel ownership to...
CLAXON
PHREEEEOOOP
JEBEDAIAH BURGUNDY
Jahaziel Paul, your rebuttal.
JAHAZIEL PAUL
We warn't have all this barrel crisis iff'n these damned cooper-men just woulda stuck with the pewter standard! Pewter bands, saith I!
CLAXON
PHREEEEOOOP
JEBEDAIAH BURGUNDY
We now pause for a word from our sponsor, Colonel Barnstable's Patented Invigorating Elixir. Made from the finest root extracts of the exotic Orient, Colonel Barnstable's Patented Invigorating Elixir provides quick relief from gout, ricketts, purple dropsy, goiters, hysteria, and womanly disorders. Look for money saving coupons in the next issue of the Sangamon County Picayune-Gazetteer.
WHISKEY PETE
I can vouch fer that, Jebedaiah! I pour me a bottle of that there elixir in my scrapple every breakfast!
JEBEDAIAH BURGUNDY
Thank you Whiskey Pete. And now to our next question, which I will address to Abraham Lincoln. Mr. Lincoln, as you know there is gossip that the Southern states of our republic are prepared to secede on the issue of slavery. As United States Senator, how will you deal with this contingency.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN
In the words of our founding fathers, all men are created equal, and endowed with their Creator with...
JEBEDAIAH BURGUNDY
uhh ungh uhh
ABRAHAM LINCOLN
... were you just grunting?
JEBEDAIAH BURGUNDY
No.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN
Yes you were. I just heard you.
JEBEDAIAH BURGUNDY
No I wasn't. Uhgh.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN
There! You just did it again!
CLAXON
PHREEEEOOOP
JEBEDAIAH BURGUNDY
I'm sorry, your time is up. Nimrod Trump, your rebuttal?
NIMROD B. TRUMP
When I am crowned Duke of Sangamon County, all men will be equal. Equal as my serfs!
JEBEDAIAH BURGUNDY
Epaphrus Yokum, what say you?
EPAPHRUS YOKUM
Don't listen to Nimrod Trump! He's made a secret deal with the Vatican for the Duchy of Sangamon!
JEBEDAIAH BURGUNDY
Balthazaar Cruddup.
K. BALTHAZAAR CRUDDUP
It's time we end our dependency on the Southern tobacco trust, and smoke the good local hemp of Sangamon County.
JEBEDAIAH BURGUNDY
Whiskey Pete! I will warn you not to milk Bossie while others have the floor.
WHISKEY PETE
Christamighty! But I need me some buttermilk fer my whiskey!
JEBEDAIAH BURGUNDY
Now it is time for our "this or that" round. I will present each candidate with a choice, after which they will have 5 seconds to respond. Jehosephat McPherson: Dolly Madison or Abigail Adams?
JEHOSEPHAT V. MCPHERSON
Dolly Madison was surely the comeliest of the pair.
ZEBEDEE Z. ZWINGLEHAMMER
Are thee daft, man? Abigail Adams was the true founding MILF.
JEBEDAIAH BURGUNDY
Abraham Lincoln: ham hocks with or without gravy?
ABRAHAM LINCOLN
Jebediah, I was hoping to discuss the Dred Scott decision, so if...
CLAXON
PHREEEEOOOP
JEBEDAIAH BURGUNDY
Whiskey Pete?
WHISKEY PETE
Ham hocks with gravy... and whiskey!
JEBEDAIAH BURGUNDY
And now it's time for our concluding lightning round, where each candidate will have two seconds to summarize their campaign message. Go!
STEPHEN DOUGLAS
Compromise!
ELI T. QUINCY
Whig!
JEHOSEPHAT T. MCPHERSON
Barrels!
WHISKEY PETE
Barrels of whiskey!
ZEBEDEE Z. ZWINGLEHAMMER
Strong oxen!
K. BALTHAZAAR CRUDDUP
Barrels of hemp!
CASSIUS VANDERSNATCH
Repent!
JAHAZIEL PAUL
Pewter!
EPAPHRUS YOKUM
Pope go home!
NIMROD B. TRUMP
Kneel before your Duke!
BOSSIE
mmmmoooahh
ABRAHAM LINCOLN
What the f...
CLAXON
PHREEEEOOOP
JEBEDAIAH BURGUNDY
I'm sorry, that's all the time we have tonight. I would like to thank all the candidates for appearing tonight, and the makers of Colonel Barnstable's Patented Invigorating Elixir. This is Jebedaiah Burgundy reminding you to wagon safe, and that America's press is the guardian of an informed democracy!
