An Official Announcement from Henry T. Falborne
Assistant Undersecretary, Humor Division
United States Toxic Weblog Recovery Administration
Acting Chief Blogging Officer, Iowahawk
USTWRA / FOIA reference G(6)-11.3007:b
Dear Weblog Stakeholder:
On March 7, 2009, David Burge, Chief Blogging Officer of iowahawk.typepad.com (herein after denoted as "Iowahawk") presented written testimony before the official review board of the TWRA citing the Iowahawk Corporation's untenable business model and requesting "some of that sweet bailout cash" for debt service and other financial relief. In his documentation, he said that unless such assistance were forthcoming, he would be forced to layoff two part-time Iowahawk employees listed as "Kyle" and "Pedro."
The legislative charter of the TWRA, established by Congress and the President, specifies its principle goal as the preservation of jobs in the critically important blogging sector of the American economy. Thus the board invited Mr. Burge to present a formal proposal on March 11. After a brief negotiation period, Mr. Burge's initial request of $6.3 billion was lowered to a mutually agreeable $750 and cab fare to the Greyhound station. In exchange, Mr. Burge agreed to (1) regularly submit the financial records of Iowahawk to TWRA oversight regulators, (2) cease outsourcing joke production to foreign subcontractors, and (3) implement a rigorous program of personal hygiene.
An initial spot audit of Iowahawk financial data conducted last week, however, showed that disposal of its grant moneys were undertaken in violation of TWRA guidelines. Mr. Burge submitted receipts for a Channel-Lock, spray paint, three pounds of Twizzlers, welding rod, alcohol, and $480 for unspecified "entertainment services." Over $200 of this appears to have been spent on "weed." When queried how these expenditures help secure his employees, Mr. Burge replied "that's who I buy the weed from, stupid." Unfortunately, during this same period, Iowahawk continued to be plagued by quality problems and eroding market share.
Pursuant to TWRA enforcement guidelines, Mr. Burge has agreed to step down as CBO of Iowahawk and relinquish operation to a new TWRA-appointed joke adminstrator. Until such time as a qualified permanent replacement can be found, I have been appointed by the Director of the TWRA Humor Division as acting CBO of Iowahawk. In this capacity I will be implementing a new business plan to increase its long term prospects of survival. Highlights of this directive include:
Debt Service. Iowahawk's chief debt holder, Kyle, has agreed to $120 settlement to satisfy the remaining $400 of his claims against the corporation. He will be referred to the U.S. Troubled Weed Dealers Support Program for his own bailout.
Labor Relations. Iowahawk's remaining employee Pedro will receive a $5.35 per hour raise to satisfy Federal Minimum Wage laws. In a secret ballot yesterday, Pedro voted to be represented by the International Brotherhood of Humor Workers. We hope to reach a strike settlement before the end of the week.
Quality Controls. Going forward, all punchlines, scenarios, gags, and schtick will undergo a rigorous 6-sigma quality review process to satisfy TWRA Humor Division guidelines. This process has been designed to insure that any humor leaving the distribution facility will be free of defects, bias, and potential offensiveness. In particular, the process will focus on reducing the quantity of fart, sexual, and/or Democrat-targeted japery. For example,
Barney Frank doesn't fart, he hoots.
will be edited to
Why is Congressman Barney Frank re-elected so consistently? Because he is very popular with his constituents.
Building Market Share. While increased quality will help Iowahawk remain viable in the long run, short term survival requires an immediate stimulus to increase page views. In order to facilitate this, Iowahawk has applied for, and received, status as a 609-3(d) Corporate Timewaster Site under IRS regulations. Under this provision, businesses who document employee time spent reading Iowahawk are eligible for special tax benefits to compensate for unrecoverable intelligence damage.
On behalf of the 30,000 dedicated employees and administrators of the TWRA's Humor Division, I would like to thank you for your continued patience as we regulate Iowahawk back on the path to a bright, inoffensive, economically viable future. I would also like to apologize to all of you who were angered by the recent reports that Mr. Burge is scheduled to receive a $275 "golden parachute" bonus for stepping down. I share your frustration and anger, and rest assured we are conducting an internal investigation to determine how this provision of the agreement was inserted. If you would like to help persuade Mr. Burge to forfeit this bonus, the U.S. Department of Populist Rage Exploitation will be holding a bus tour of his trailer this Saturday. Please visit the TWRA website for details.
Sincerely,
Henry T. Falborne
