The Iowahawk Council of Automotive Advisors

Every new day seems to offer a fresh assload of ideas for saving the U.S. automotive industry, most of which are proposed by law professors and involve -- shockingly -- the mass hiring of law professors. Soon after the election, for example, former law professor Barack Obama first floated another law professor as his "Car Czar" ( although he ended up settling on the only thing arguably more useless in a car emergency: a Benz-driving financier with a journalism degree). Today, law professor Professor Bainbridge proposes his own bold plan for rescuing General Motors: appointing law professor Hugh Hewitt to the GM Board. This brainstorm was quickly endorsed by law professor Glenn Reynolds.

With all due respect, WTF? I mean, sure, Hewitt is pleasant enough on the radio, and we all loved him in Christmas Story. But when it comes to naming a savior for the American car biz, I think we can do better. And by "we," I of course mean "me." And so, today, I would like to nominate Yours Truly as Grand Exalted Poobah for National Automotive Strategy.

I know what you're saying: "hey Dave, didn't you recently crap out in your attempts at the White House and the Illinois Senate?" Okay, if you want to get technical about it, but now we're finally talking about a government job I'm vaguely qualified for. And if I can lower my expectations, shouldn't you? Just look at what I bring to the table:

1. I am not a law professor.
2. Unlike nearly every other moron giving advice to Detroit, I actually know how to build a car.

As such, I realize the industry is not suffering from a lack of law professors -- it is suffering from a lack of  imagination. They gave us cup holders and electric seat warmers when we wanted angel fur and bubble tops. They pushed micro-clown cars and hybrids when the market was rife for chromed 8-deuce Chrysler Hemis. Well, Bucko, all that outmoded thinking is going to end during the reign of Czar Dave. Saving the American auto industry is going to be a big job, but I won't be doing it alone. I have already appointed my own shadow Council of Automotive Advisors, a select group of successful auto manufacturers whose qualifications appear after the jump. Many are close personal friends of mine, and I can attest to their patriotism, integrity, ingenuity, and wonderful lack of law degrees.

So stop despairing about the fate of the American car business, and do something about it. Write President Obama and your congressman today and demand my immediate, permanent appointment, along with unlimited regulatory powers and expense account. Together we can save Detroit -- and if you act now, I'll get you tickets for the 2009 Washington Mall Summernationals!