The subprime mortgage crisis rocked Wall Street again last week, spurring federal bailouts and takeovers of several large financial institutions - including Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac, AIG Insurance, Lehman Brothers and Bear Stearns. Americans are asking the tough questions -- how will this affect me? and, where do I get my bailout check? To help understand the issues Dave travels to TGIFriday's Happy Hour for a spirited roundtable debate with guest financial expert Linda Mustaine from First Coralville Mortgage, and next-door neighbor Craig Evers.
DAVE BURGE, IOWAHAWK
Linda, we both know that credit is the lifeblood of the American economy. But today millions of Americans like myself are saddled with enormous adjustable rate mortgage debt which we can no longer pay, through no fault of our own. We were suckered in by deceptive easy-money advertising come-ons, confusing refinance deals, and free igloo coolers. And now, with a slowdown in the blog economy, some of us can barely make the payments on our quad-runners, let alone a crushing $1.2 million debt on a house that our appraiser says is worth $40,000 in scrap lumber, tops. America's economic future depends on us having the peace of mind to know our homes and 56" 1080 HD big screens won't be yanked from under us. That's why I oppose the proposed bailouts being discussed in Congress. Instead of paying trillions to Wall Street insiders and corporate fatcats, shouldn't Congress be targeting those trillions directly to needy Americans like me?
LINDA MUSTAINE, FIRST CORALVILLE MORTGAGE
First, let's not forget that America's economic future also depends on the continued economic health of its credit institutions like First Coralville Mortgage. Unfortunately, deceptive borrowers like Dave Burge lied to us about their credit histories and collateral, and now we are stuck with bad mortgages that are unsellable since the collapse of Fannie Mae. The entire financial system is on the brink of disaster and getting yelled at by our boss Larry unless Congress acts now. The bailout should focus on lenders, not the irresponsible borrowers like Dave Burge who continued lying to us -- about their payments and about having real feelings for us, even though we saw them at Chili's two weeks ago with that skanky whore Jennifer Goertz from the refinance department.
Second, who are you are you calling "fat," you disgusting creep?!
DAVE BURGE, IOWAHAWK
Whoa! Come on now, Linda, turn off the waterworks. You know I wasn't talking about you -- I was talking about Larry. It's the corporate fatcats like him who are are ruining our economy with their greed and stupidity, denying you promotions even though any idiot can see you are the finest, hottest piece of ass in the whole in the whole loan department.
LINDA MUSTAINE, FIRST CORALVILLE MORTGAGE
sniff...really? Hotter than Jennifer?
DAVE BURGE, IOWAHAWK
Come on baby, you know my feelings are real. I've been crazy about you ever since I first saw you over that first loan application. Maybe you're not the thinnest girl in the office, or the youngest, but... damn! Girl, you just do it for me, like nobody else. You know that thing with Jennifer was just a meaningless second-mortgage fling.
Hey, our drinks are here.
LORI PAULSON, WAITRESS
Let's see, one Tequila Sunrise and another Grasshopper for the lady. Can I get you guys another basket of buffalo nacho dipsters?
LINDA MUSTAINE, FIRST CORALVILLE MORTGAGE
I really shouldn't, I'm watching my calories.
DAVE BURGE, IOWAHAWK
See? Now that's what's wrong with this economy, baby. With crisis in the credit markets, so many people like you are afraid of consuming. If that kind of anorexic spending attitude catches on, the entire economy will melt down. It starts with Bennigans, then Fridays, and the next thing you know we're all traveling to California in a Model T to pick grapes. That's why the credit bailout should focus on the real engine of the American economy -- we the people. So go ahead, live a little. Don't forget, you're a consumer too, and there are some of us like our foxy financial advisors with a little meat on their bones.
LINDA MUSTAINE, FIRST CORALVILLE MORTGAGE
Well okay, one more basket.
CRAIG EVERS
Hey Dave!
DAVE BURGE, IOWAHAWK
Oh... uh, hey Craig.
CRAIG EVERS
Hey listen, I don't want to interrupt or anything, but I was wondering if I could have my roto-tiller back. I was gonna do some yardwork this weekend.
DAVE BURGE, IOWAHAWK
Um... roto-tiller?
CRAIG EVERS
My roto-tiller. The one I lent you back in June. I left a bunch of messages on your machine.
DAVE BURGE, IOWAHAWK
Oh yeah that... well, okay, here's the deal Craig, I had to sell that to make the my house payment and keep the American economic system from collapsing. You understand how it goes.
CRAIG EVERS
But... I...
DAVE BURGE, IOWAHAWK
No need to thank me now Craig. With the new federal debt insurance on its way, rest assured your roto-tiller will soon be backed with the full faith and credit of the United States government. Now if you don't mind, we're debating national economic policy.
CRAIG EVERS
Well... um... sorry to interrupt.
DAVE BURGE, IOWAHAWK
See Linda, this is exactly what I'm talking about. Like millions of Americans, Craig didn't plan to fail, he failed to plan. And that's why America needs to help debtors like me, to get fellow Americans like Craig back on the first page of our repayment list.
LINDA MUSTAINE, FIRST CORALVILLE MORTGAGE
But what about First Coralville Mortgage? Larry says unless we get Fannie Mae to buy all those mortgages I wrote for you and your friends, there are going to be layoffs. How am I supposed to change careers at my age?
DAVE BURGE, IOWAHAWK
In the grand scheme of things does it really matter if I get bailed out or you get bailed out, as long as I get my house and you get your money? Tell you what, let's compromise. Let's have Congress give half the bailout to each of us, that way it's fair. And with the money left over maybe we can finally take that trip to Scandals like we always talked about, before we started fighting over the eviction notices.
LINDA MUSTAINE, FIRST CORALVILLE MORTGAGE
Well, okay. But I don't know about the whole clothing optional beach thing in the brochure, I'm kind of self-conscious about my butt.
DAVE BURGE, IOWAHAWK
Oh, that... funny you should bring that up, because I was assuming you'd be relaxing inside with the buffet while I checked out the beach on my own. So I guess it sort of works out, huh? What do you say we go there the weekend after the election? I'll put it on my Discover.
LINDA MUSTAINE, FIRST CORALVILLE MORTGAGE
What about your wife?
DAVE BURGE, IOWAHAWK
Don't worry about her, she's going to Cancun that weekend with the car loan guy.
LORI PAULSON, WAITRESS
Okay, that's two Zombies, three Tequila Sunrises, five Grasshoppers and two baskets of Spicy Buffalo Nacho Dipsters. Here's your check. Thanks for stopping by TGIFridays!
DAVE BURGE, IOWAHAWK
Hey, Lori? Um... see that guy at the booth over there? Waiving back at us? That's my neighbor Craig. He said he would take care of the bill.
