Happy 4th & 5th of May! (with apologies to Marty Robbins)
The Ballad of Han Cholo
Out in the Tatooine town of Mos Eisley
I fell in love with an Alderaan girl
Nighttime would find me in Chalmun's Cantina
Music would play and then Leia would whirl
Drinking cerveza in metal bikini
Flimsy and shining with gold lame thread
I had it bad for this Alderaan maiden
Cinnamon buns on the side of her head
One night an ugly green Greedo came in
Wild as the Tatooine wi-iiiiii-i-i-ind
From out the county he sought a big bounty
To take my girl Leia to Jabba the Hut
So in anger
I challenged his right to the hand of this maiden
Down went his hand to a blaster he wore
My challenge was answered in less than a parsec
The bug-eyed green stranger laid dead on the floor
Just for a moment I stood there and babbled
Explaining to all just how Greedo shot first
My trusty lowrider Millineum Falcon
was idling outside, so I made a burst
Out of the front doors of Chalmun's I ran
Out where my spaceship was par-arrr-ar-ar-arked
It was a good one, it made the Kessel run
In less than 12 parsecs, on unleaded quarks
So I told
my hairy amigo named Chuy Tabasco
Vamanos vato, let's hit the warp drive
Back on Tatooine my life would be worthess
Well maybe a payday for old Boba Fett
But my homey Lando says my Princess Leia
Is captured by Vader on his Star of Death
I hit the star-brakes and did a u-turn
Artoo he let out a squee-eee-ee-eal
I hit the switches, look out you bitches
I dropped the clutch and away I did peel
And at last here
I am overlooking the Empire Death Star
Fixin' to blow up a planet below
But my love for Leia, it pushes me onward
If only I could shut up C3PO
Off to my right I see ten TIE fighters
Off to my left are at least twenty-four
Skywalker blasts a few from his gun turret
Don't get so cocky, kid, here come some more
Something is dreadfully wrong for I feel
A tractor beam pulling us i-iiiii-i-i-in
There stands Darth Vader with red-hot light saber
Declaring us illegal space aliens
But my love for
the Princess is strong and I whack a Storm Trooper
and try to escape in a garbage chute door
I see a white zap of light from his blaster
I fall in a heap on the underlit floor
From out of nowhere, Leia has found me
Kissing my cheek as she kneels by my side
Cradled by two loving buns that I'd die for
One final kiss and it's Carbonite time
