[with apologies to Terry Southern]
Juan? Hola, amigo! Como esta?
Fine, fine. And how are Lupe and the kids?
College already? Boy, how time flies. Has she picked a major?
Splendid. And how is Juan Jr.? He's what now, 13, 14? The last time I saw him he was only...
Oh.
Oh.
My goodness. Boy, that's... that's just terrible. My deepest sympathies to you and Lupe on your loss. I'll have my secretary arrange for a memorial bouquet. I know he was a fine boy, and...
Now, Juan, let's not jump to conclusions here. We both know there are lots of machine gun murders in Mexico, and it doesn't necessarily mean that they're all...
Yes, Juan, I got your messages. As a matter of fact that's why I'm calling this afternoon. I've had my people look into this thing and...
Mmhmm.
Mmmhmm.
Now... now Juan... let's just calm down here a minute. Just, okay.. okay... let me please explain, okay? See, the funny thing is, it turns out, a couple years back there was, well, this stimulus program money, and then there were these brainstorming sessions, where, well, there were some ideas what to do with it. So, anyhoo, one of the ideas that happened was, 'hey, what if there were, say, 2000 machine guns that got sent to Mexican drug lords?' and so forth.
Well no, of course we couldn't tell you. It would have ruined the surprise.
Well, okay, I guess the gato is out of the ol' bag-o. You know that drug cartel war problem you've been having? So, well, the idea was, hey, wouldn't it be great if somehow we could put a trace on the machine guns, and then, surprise! It'd be a like a whole pinata full of drug lord information.
Mmhm.
Why? Well see, if we traced all the machine guns we gave to your drug lords, then we could all learn how your drug lords get their machine guns.
Well, Juan, yes, certainly, that's one hypothesis. But I mean besides from us.
Tracers?
Oh, those tracers. See, the funny thing is - and this is such a hoot - someone forgot to buy batteries for them. You know how it is when you buy those Christmas presents, and it's like "batteries not included," and...
Now, Juan - Juan - now, just a minute here, you don't have take that tone of voice. This isn't all about you.
Well, come on now, Juan, imagine how terrible I feel about this whole situation! And not just me. Eric, and all the bureau heads, all down the line. Look, I didn't want to spoil another surprise, but we were all planning to chip in and get you a comprehensive immigration reform package to help cheer you up.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, there amigo! Let's not get carried away there with the blamestorming. Just because I feel bad about this, don't go trying to pin this one on me!
Huh?
Well, frankly, I don't know. I mean, in the grand scheme of things, can anybody say that anybody else is to blame? Even if that were possible, would it bring anybody back to life? Believe me, if I could build some magical time machine and go back to 2009 and say, 'hey guys, let's stop this thing," I would. But both of us need to stop living in fantasy world.
Now Juan...
Juan...
Juan, I'm not trying to minimize this but I mean, really, what kind of body count are we talking here? What, two, three criminals, or...
Oh. Really? 200? Hmm.
No, I haven't forgotten Juan Jr.
Okay, I'll grant you that. It's quite a few. But if you compare to what, a population of 80, 90 million...
Well, geez, Juan. It's not like you're the only one who's lost a few people. I had a couple border agents killed by them, but you don't see me whining about...
Now look Juan, we could sit here all day talking in circles about whose guns killed whose people, and who sent the guns, and yadda yadda yadda. I just wanted to let you know how terrible we all feel about it. Why don't you go deal with your grief, and whatever, and give me a call when you're more emotionally together.
Mmmhmm.
One last thing, do you have an address you want those flowers sent to?
Juan?
Juan?
