Britain's Newest Royal Couple
LONDON - Thousands of celebrating Britons gathered outside Peckham Council House Abbey to toss rice and empty vodka bottles this afternoon, following the gala royal wedding of HRH Tiffany Skinner, Chavesse of Alcester, and Wayne MacDuffie, Grand Ned of Glasgow.
"Blu'y 'ell, issa roit fookin proppa chushdy bok, innit?" said Manchester great-grandmother Sharron Spebbington, 38, tearfully echoing the thoughts of many while kicking the skull of a unconscious co-celebrant.
"Ei oi, wigan finkta goon ya me consa," explained Conor Croudup, 23, a dole collector and burglary consultant from Stratford. "Yamate, foon'a bif toopy gishaf a woonta."
The much-anticipated wedding also brought together Great Britain's two largest Delinquencies - the Chavs of England and the Neds of Scotland - under a unified monarchy. Royal watcher Barry Kyle of The Daily Lucky Lotto Numbers expressed hopes that the wedding would end long-simmering enmities between the two cultures.
"Iss brilliant, innit?" said Kyle. "No more rows at the pub or the disco. No more stabbings in the football stands. Today we stand as bruvvas to cash our giro cheques as vomit as one."
Stores across London did a brisk business in souvenir shoplifting for the event, including Harrod's department store in toney Knightsbridge which offered a wide array of commemorative thongs and hashpipes to eager and sticky-fingered visitors.
The regal ceremony began in the early hours of Friday as the Grand Ned led a procession of Skodas from Glasgow south to the cheers and spit of spectators along the M6 and M1. Arriving at Peckham Abbey, the groom emerged from his car dressed in the traditional Ned formal wedding garb of Burberry tartan track suit, trucker hat and Doc Martens.
Inside the Abbey the Chavesse was waiting at the altar in a thigh-length Union Jack wedding gown with a full-length train borne by the couple's two oldest children, Princess Kortnee and Princess Kaitlyn, who wore matching halter tops. She was also attended by 8 bridesmaids in matching lime green spandex.
As the Grand Ned walked down the aisle, he paused momentarily to acknowledge the gang signs of the star-studded guests who included the Boganess of Melborne, the Duke and Dutchess of Fontana, and the Ginger of Roxbury, Massachusetts. Before ascending the altar steps he shared a touching and sometimes shoving moment with his parents, King Yobbo IV and Queen Lulu.
The brief ceremony, broadcast live to council flats and trailer parks worldwide by the BBC, was presided by the Archbishop of Chatam who admonished the guest to refrain from vomiting until the conclusion.
"Do youse Wayne promise ta make Tiffany here an honest woman?" said the Archbishop.
"Aye, I dinna coom doon tae fookin drink nae bloody tea ya wee coont," replied MacDuffie. "Nae spin me a fag ye bloody wanker."
"An' do youse Tiffany promise ta give Wayne here a bloody good shag?" said the Archbishop, turning to the bride.
"Aye, if the bastard gets his bloody arse ou' o' the fookin pub," she replied.
"Well, give 'em the bloody ring an' let's get fookin drunk," said the Archbishop, motioning to the ring bearer, and the couple's eldest son Prince Kaden, 6.
After the traditional head-butt, royal DJ Paki P struck up an electro-house version of "Rule Brittania." The newlyweds emerged from the Abbey to the cheers of the throng and were whisked away in a Burberry Vauxhall to a local disco for the traditional post-nuptial chair fight.
Elegant wedding limousine
After a brief nude honeymoon in Ibiza, the couple will return to Peckham for the birth of their 6th child, due May 11.
Royal watcher Barry Kyle hinted that today's gala wedding was only the beginning of a new era of Britain's Chav monarchy consolidating power.
"The world is gettin' smaller, innit?" he said. "You didn't hear it from me, but there's rumors that the Grand Ned's sister is getting engaged to the Situation of Jersey."
