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Jeff Jefferson

Peotone High School located, coincidentally, in Peotone Illinois.

All of the Type 3 Volkswagen parts that you can fit into a paper bag. (trash not sandwich)

Since I believe that graduation ceremonies are really just a way for the popular people to rub your nose in it just one last time (at least until the reunion) before sending you out to make voodoo dolls. Uh oh, It's ten minutes past the deadline. Talk at my graduation or you are Hitler, damnit!


3. A complimentary California medicinal prescription and a 24 second all you can grab shopping spree at OC420.

What were the other quesions again?


Godammit I see some pretty sweet shit being offer by others, so, I hereby up our offer to 3 sittings of all u can drink alcohol [you pick] + eat BBQ until you puke x3 plus the Pinzgauer Funk Kommandowagen ride [you driving with live backing surf rock band] + a year's supply of Nullo internal deodorant, PLUS video, pic and audio rights [subject to stripper waiver] and now to also include the following:

An infrared night scope coyote hunt with accompaniment by a live roots rock ambient art rock swamp blues band [with go go dancers] and a midnight military helicopter flyby.

That's right, I cooked that bitch a cake [bitches love cake!].


WHAT. THE. FUCK. is up with that video?!

Is that the crap that passes for music these days?


The shop students of Mountain Home High of Mountain Home Ar. require your presence, if of course you are providing your standardized mooning, in graduation garb, of the attending school staff.

The greatest honor of said town is the disdain of it's betters. Because you own this already we have combed the various junkyards for old mopar hemis. We bored and balanced one, it drips with gear geek drool. You can't have it, but you can stroke it a few times, while you crank the starter.

We deserve nothing. This of course is what you excel at. It's a match that very closely mimics Obama and the schools he speaks at. We feel it is the perfect match.

Cincinnati  Bob

The John Wilkes Booth School for Performing Arts, Cincinnati, Ohio
We would be proud to give you all of our unsold tickets for "Grease, 2010".
We feel your droning and inspirational talk may drive, er, inspire one of our failed actors to accomplish something. You know, wink, wink, live up to the school motto: "Sic Semper Tyrannus". Just thinking.


1. La Follette IB, Madison, WS; Wisconsin's premier feeder academy for WEA/Trust executives.

2. A sixer of chalky Sprecher and a vinyl Lipps, Inc. album. (Might even be a good gummy left on the cover.)

Dear sir,
We've been having difficulty getting the students sufficiently torqued-off over this rat-&@#&^!*~ Scott Walker. We, the teachers, janitors, myriad counselors and administrators, feel that some of your typical "folderol" might just do the job. It usually works for us. But frankly, we just don't have the mojo for this smash and burn protesting $#!& anymore. And the kids can smash and burn without doing time, so we really need them to get involved.

Please reply soon, as we are sort of under a time crunch here. (We're already losing the news cycle to some so-called disaster in Asia somewhere.) In fact, we're moving up graduation to St. Patricks Day. We'll pass out the AFSCME/SEIU signs and Irish whiskey with the diplomas, and you get 'em fire-breathing, window-smashing whipped up, okay?


Yale University; we shall assume you're familiar with our humble location, if not, what a pity. The leaves are quite fetching in autumn.

Mr. Burge,

It is with somewhat great anticipation and well-moderated excitement that I write to inform you that you have been chosen as the keynote speaker for our 2011 graduating class. In light of our friends at Harvard relenting and allowing ROTC back upon their grounds, the Faculty Senate has decreed that a representative from the middle-west, visiting our campus as a representative of the common man, be given the honor. Upon reading your "weblog", your commonness was established to such an extent that the vote to have you address the assembly was unanimous, or nearly so; all present did agree that you were perfectly common, and no dissent was offered upon that point.

While we do not normally offer compensation for the commencement address, beyond the honorary doctorate (which, dear man, I hate to add, was discontinued just last week, and damn the luck), we wish to offer you something in recompense for the time and effort expended in addressing our nation's future consensus-builders in foreign embassies worldwide. In anticipation of your wishes, we have decided to offer the following tokens of our appreciation:

1. An honorary degree, in the field of your choice, from Harvard .

2. Original formulation Sudafed, qty. 100 cases of 24 boxes each. It would not be inaccurate to say we were quite taken aback by the extent of the allergy problems presently afflicting your home state of Iowa.

As an aside, dear fellow, please take some of the bracing sea air while you are here - you and your Iowans seem much afflicted by congestion out there, and while it won't help your fellow Iowans, it will do you well to breathe deeply of this invigorating atmosphere.

Please respond in the affirmative as soon as pleasant; we look towards your address, and await its delivery with expectations of sorts.

Lux Et Veritas,
Dr. J.W. Allen Meyers, Ph.D
Assistant to the Vice Fauntleroy, Yale University


Deer mstuh Burj,

U sounds lahk a reely fun gi. Kuud u pleaz cum spik to owr graddiation here at Shalom Hie Skool in Milkwakee? The senior boyz says they can fix u up REEL GOOD! They got in2 awl the teechr's desks when they wuz awl up at teh kapital strikin and got some reely good stuff. then wehn the teechrs striked agin turns owt those doktors from the collage gave them MORE good stuff! U can haves it.

Hopes u kan cum talk 2 us.

Brandi Smit, skool valleydicktoriann


1. The name and location of your High School:

West Seneca East Central Senior High, West Seneca NY.
Good luck finding us.

2. Level and type of honorarium / bribe you are willing to pay (cash, car parts, intoxicants, etc.):

Free GPS system to get you home from West Seneca East Central.

3. A brief essay on the topic: "why our graduates deserve to suffer through a speech by Dave":

We have never had a visitor before because nobodies finding us hear. Unless you want to count Uncle Billy, the guy in the rusty DeSoto with McGovern For President bumper stickers who parks by the front door. Don't ride with him. He is icky. We would welcome you. Is this 500 words yet, yes I think so. My dad drinks too like you. My mom drinks too. Thank you. More words, anytime you can come would be a Trojan event. Go Trojan!

Tom Saunders

Stupid Hill, Mid-South Coke County, Texas

Passenger door of 49 Chevrolet Sedan, black, (.22 holes should bondo up not problem). Will also throw in 2 twelve-packs of Shiner Bock (warm - ice is between you and the up-stairs ice machine of the El Patio Motel in San Angelo. Not that we will pay, but motel usage is more efficient if you rent by the hour).

Because these hose-heads desrve it.

Anthony Bialy

Will you come speak to me? I admit that I have already received a high school diploma, long ago enough that one could hear Crash Test Dummies on the pop radio station en route to graduation. Also, there were knobs on said radio, and it didn't broadcast music beamed from space.

But I remain a slacker who's sort of like a big kid. I fear I am in danger of heading down a path that would result in me selling meth in the dingier corners of the Port Authority Bus Terminal.

Yet I spot a ray of sunshine from the gutter: I feel a motivational speech from the mighty Iowahawk could inspire me to pursue a useful career in a field such as sales or data entry.

For me, it would be the equivalent of appearing on “Scared Straight” with a slightly smaller chance of getting shivved. Mr. Hawk's motivational words delivered in speech form would undoubtedly inspire me.

As for compensation, there is presently half a bottle of vodka in the freezer and approximately 10 beers occupying the fridge. Granted, they may not be there by dawn tomorrow, but I am certain the libation rations will be restocked by speech time. There are also ample menus here for pizza parlors and mysterious Chinese delivery outposts. We also have a Wii. Eh, we could just drink and play Mario Kart if you don't feel like speaking.

Auntie Analogue

Allahu Akbar Madrassah & Con Artist Academy, Kabul, Afghanistan

Do not come unless you bring gullible US Army generals, stand-up comic State Department "strategy" wonks, and one dozen C-5 aeroplanes loaded with cash and fertilizer-heavy deficit-funded no-bid contractors to dispense much jizya to gain our pupils' hearts and minds. Also you must bring your own filthy infidel Kabar knife for us to cut off your infidel head if you survive game of Blind Infidel's Bluff for which you be blindfolded, chew poppies, and walk down Afghan highway at Kalashnikov-point to find IED's that we where we planted them to avoid unfortunate deaths of escaping Bacha Bazi dancing boys who bring much civilized Islamic joy to men culture here.

You will not read from the Koran because if you touch Koran we cut off your fingers before we cut off your head, and in between these two holy acts we make fun of you when you try to pick your nose. Ha!

For honorarium we spank your corpse with our shoes and then take our jihad directly to Cedar Rapids flood barriers without passing Fort Hood, Ground Zero, or evidence locker containing remnant of burned underwear.

Then we put CAIR spokesman on US networks to respond to softball questions from Brian Williams, Katie Couric, and Sean Penn to tell "American" Muslims to beware of usual Great Satan intolerant oppressive infidel backlash against Allah's faithful for our cleansing world of racist Islamophobic Iowahawk Satan.


William Nelson

Is your offer retroactive? You can speak for my gradualting class, (1987) as the 2011 class graduate I sired is now going to MO S&T next year, leaving me destitute for the next four, (but at least he is out of the house). I offer you the chance to speechify while utilizing your awesome rebuilding skills on a 2002 Hyundai Accent, (4 door) that won a fight with a US Postal Truck after the last ice storm here in Mo. (The mail truck was towed, I am still driving the 'Red Car O Doom!") I will provide all of the beer you can possibly drink while you work your hot rod magic and expound on whatever it is you would have said to any graduating class, and I will even pretend to listen and clap when you are done!

@ Martinsen al Ameriki

If he isn't serious, he can be Roebuck.

Martinsen al Ameriki

Mr. Sir, you serious about offer? We the students of Hous bin Farteen Towelish Academy welcome such as your Jewish self to our school. Please come unarmed at night and before entering neighborhood (Detroit, did I not say?) pull down front of shirt to expose neck to receive "great honor"! You our guy mister Jewish boy. Welcome.


Snnniiiifff.... Immma get right on that essay as soon as I finish this 8-ball. Snnnniiiifffff....


Key West High School, Key West, Florida

I offer intoxicants and a trip to the Garden of Eden, our clothing optional bar on Duval Street.

Most of these kids are doomed so I don't think anything you can say will make it worse. Plus at least half will be too stoned to even hear you so you can pretty much talk about whatever you want.

Mrs. Mariam Abacha (Nigeria)

I know this email will reach you as a surprise, but need not to worry as we are using the only secured and confidential medium available to seek for foreign assistance/partnership in a high school commencement speech which is of mutual benefit. I am a member of the Federal High School Association of Nigeria Contract Award and Monitoring Committee in the Nigeria National Education Association (NNEA) Sometime ago, a contract was awarded to a foreign firm in NNEA by my Committee. This contract was over invoiced to the tune of US$21.5M. U. S.Dollars. We now want to transfer this money which is in a suspense Account with NNEA into any Overseas Account which we expect you to provide for us.


Your interest in helping me with my initiative is welcome. As I will be very busy speaking at one of the many schools that have entered my contest, I suggest Punahou School, my alma mater in Hawaii.

Should you choose to do so, Michelle has kindly offered to pass on some of her delightful, home grown vegetables. I will also send along some of my White House beer, an IPod with my latest speeches loaded into it and and an unopened pack of Nicoderm.




Dear Mr. Hawk:

Might I suggest being the commencement speaker at our summer camp, Camp Mohawk? Located in the an exclusive enclave of Connecticut, we take a holistic approach to developing the leaders of tomorrow. In addition to emphasizing the importance of social justice, leaving no carbon footprint (not through changes of behavior, but rather assuaging our guilt at being white and wealthy through purchasing offsets and wearing lapel ribbons at society events)and the profound mediocrity of our American experiment (who are we to presume to lead?), we do offer some special programs you might find of interest. Among them:

* We're doing "Shakespeare in the Round"
again this year.

* Our political round table.
David Axelrod and Jeremiah Wright will appear. A medium will channel Saul Alinsky.

* Keith Olbermann is gonna come out, spend
a weekend with the kids, rap with 'em.

* The kids wanted animals, so this year
each camper will stalk, feed, and provide a manicure
to his own bear in our private wildlife preserve.
PETA is sponsoring this and we couldn't be happier.

* The last week we will spend donating time for Organizing For

As for an honorarium, we can only assume you would be willing to donate it to a charity of our choice.

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Jerry Aldini, Program Director

LTC John Tammes

1. US Army Ordnance Center & School, Fort Lee, VA.
(Preferrably to a class from the Munitions & Explosive Ordnance Disposal Department).

2. You'd get to play with some really amazing toys (or bombs, whichever). I could throw in a bottle of firewater (Talisker, perhaps?) but it would have to be AFTER any EOD fun.

3. I think after a speech by the founder of the Legion of Dumb, the Soldiers would be motivated to blow something up, real good.

I'll get back to you when I have this cleared with the Commandant.... COL LeMasters seems like a nice fellow.


A to be named snooty college prep school in the deep south... or maybe a herd of cattle... we are working of this part of the plan.

All the alcohol you can drink in 3 sittings together with all the smoked chicken & ribs you can eat - but wait don't answer yet - a Pinzgauer adventure in which you get to drive a Austrian made Funk Kommandowagen into the swamp [no guarantees about driving it back out] while a live band plays surf rock in the background & DOUBLEPLUS a year's supply of Nullo Internal Deodorant! & TRIPLEPLUS publishing rights to all the pics, vid and audio from the abovelisted events [assuming you can the strippers to sigh waivers].

Umm, one question prior to..

Dave, Mr. Iowahawk, Tim Blair's buddy, uhh do ya' promise to leave after the speech?


Sweethang Re-education/Holding Center for Young Women
Sweethang, Ala.

Dear Mr. I.A. Hawk,

Our facility offers some of the finest young people/inmates (Legal age of consent is 14, per state statute 1793B/0.08--those last three digits also happen to be the Ala. drunk driving level) that years of drug-soaked parenting assisted by mama's alcoholic boyfriends and government benefits can provide. Given your vast experience in petty theft, low-grade meth production, insurance fraud and that unfortunate string of public exposure incidents, we feel you will be able to relate with these ladies in a big way. Seeing your meteoric rise from typical trailer park perv to semi-unobscure internet person, our students/detainees are itching to learn all your moves. We will send you into the facility armed with a mixed sampler case of Zapp's Potato Chips and two dozen individually-wrapped Little Debbie Oatmeal Pies to break the ice. The rest is up to you. We certainly believe you can turn these young women around and drive home your

message of hope and redemption.

In return we offer an around-the-clock-all-you-can-eat catfish buffet at our local restaurant, free overnight Wal-Mart parking and 14 gallons of Bondo 99863 (who you fooin'?).

Look forward to hearing from you,

R.U. Jonesenow
Arts & Recreation Director
Sweethang Re-Education/Holding Center

Jeff "Awesome" Spicoli

As a former grad of Ridgemont High (home of Fast Times), I think it’s time we get someone of your ilk to impart to today’s mostly worthless kids, umm, whatever you are capable of mumbling out. Maybe talk about how Devo is still timeless 33 years later or why Bondo tastes bad. Or share your most sure fire hangover cures. It’s all good bro.

My buddies and I can offer a corroded 1962 Evinrude 1 hp outboard motor (I think it needs a new spark plug), a windshield wiper motor from a 1970 Mercury Montego MX Brougham, a roach clip, a Fallbrook Skunkweed pinner and a sixer of Mickey’s Bigmouths.

This is a genuine for real offer, but only if you wear your red jumpsuit.


1. The name and location of your High School / GED Center / Youth Correctional Facility
Roosevelt H.S. Washington DC

2. Level and type of honorarium / bribe you are willing to pay (cash, car parts, intoxicants, etc.)
Thunderbird Sherry - 1/2 gal. Jug. It's Fortified!!

3. A brief essay on the topic: "why our graduates deserve to suffer through a speech by Dave".

We tried to get Obama, but he seemed afraid to meet of the some parents. You see, after enrolling Sasha and Malia in Sidwell Friends he killed off the scholarship for the only other 2 black kids to got there, and sent them right back here (*WTF-Part 1). James and Sarah Parker no go through metal detectors to get to class. Go figure.


1) The Charlie Sheen Peace & Tiger Blood & Adonis DNA Preparatory School, Hollywood, CA.

2) Your choice of as many Hookers, Porno stars (female) as you desire and to be chosen the possible replacement lead actor for Two and a Half Men!

3) So just shut your traps and put down your McDonald's, your magazines, your TMZ and the rest of it, and focus on something that matters. But you can't focus on things that matter if all you've been is asleep for 40 years. Funny how sleep rhymes with sheep. I'm tired of pretending I'm not special. I'm tired of pretending I'm not a total freaking rock star from Mars. Alcoholics Anonymous reports a 5 percent success rate. My success rate is 100 percent.


Bert's Transmission University

We are not really a university, nor are we really a high school. We're not really a school. But, we do spend a lot of time talking about the mysteries and complexities of the automobile transmission. And, every Friday, we all eat together at Denny's.

You are welcome to join us and make a speech, so long as you promise to be brief.

Hal Ham

Dear Dr. Bugle, These other invitations are to laugh. If you come to the verdant cactus covered plains of South Texas the rewards will be extensive, if metaphysical. A man of your educational and...and something would be heartily welcomed here in the stemy part of Texas which is holding up the rest of the country. If you like I'm sure a short side trip into Mexico could be arranged with some of my ATF friends; they go there lots. And, don't think you would be wasting your oratorical excesses on the usual run of the mill graduate. Our kids get degrees and every thing; some of them can even read. It will be a little warmish by the graduation date in June so wear shorts.


1. The name and location of your High School / GED Center / Youth Correctional Facility

Bucks County Minimum Security Correctional Center.

2. Level and type of honorarium / bribe you are willing to pay (cash, car parts, intoxicants, etc.)

Two cases of Mill's Best. One case if you're really inspiring.

3. A brief essay on the topic: "why our graduates deserve to suffer through a speech by Dave".

Because, hey, it beats knifing each other and learning how to make meth with only some cough syrup and a length of copper tubing.

Asian Advantage College Consulting

Sidwell Friends School, Washington DC

Yes, we are the private school where Barack and Michelle Obama send their children. We also happen to be one of three majority white high schools in a city whose public schools are 99% minority.

In return for your Commencement Address, you will receive one free college consulting package from Asian Advantage College Consulting LLC.


School: King School for Boys and Girls, Stamford, CT Home of the Fightin' preppies

Bribe: Two black binder clips on pen-cap/ear cleaner, on half used yellow posit note pad and black and white photo of three old men.

Reason: We are poor planners and need someone fast

Karl Keller

The Chicago Dead-Fish Rahn Obama Arne Duncan Axelrod Memorial School
The 54th Ward
Chicago, IL 66666

Dear Mr. Burge:

We respectfully request your presence as our backup speaker for our June 2011 commencement.

While we have officially scheduled distinguished scholar Professor J. Michael Bailey of Northwestern University (the tentative title of his speech was "I will teach you a lesson you will never forget!"), it appears that the professor is currently huddling nervously with Cary Nelson of the American Association of University Professors (AAUP) -- something about a syllabus gone awry we have been told -- and can't be reached to confirm his participation in our graduation ceremonies. If we do not have a commencement speaker, the results could be tragic: the students might all become community organizers, Democratic ward operatives, or....worse yet...concealed weapons carriers in violation of Illinois law.

Given the expectation the students had about Professor Bailey's speech, we have some working titles for you: "Endowments Necessary for Future Success;" "Back Door Methods in a Muscle Car's Back Seat;" or "How to Get an Education in Stuff that REALLY Matters!"

Please block off your calendar for June 15th and be prepared not to come--excuse me, ATTEND--if Professor Bailey can extricate himself from whatever position he is in (or was teaching).

Sincerely yours,

Richard J. Daley
Acting Principal and Ex-Mayor


The Western Educational of Antelope Valley Education Section in Quartz Hill, CA will be holding its commencement on June 15, 2011. WEAVES uses Federal grants to educate traditionally underrepresented minorities in the many varied fields of cosmetology. Our graduates are second to none in the operation of cosmetology businesses whose lifespan exceeds eight weeks in the growing home-based beauty trade. Don't believe the negative nabobs--our girls ARE clean, and the rash of shop closures is due more to Rethuglican racism and the imposition of draconian 'health standards' that are not universally shared by the multicultural community at large.

Our girls will be thrilled and delighted to see a real Internet celebrity. According to your photograph, you are rather 'sparse' and follically challenged. In lieu of an honorarium, Valedictorian Moni'Quaa will be happy to weave her magic for you, leaving you with luxurious, beaded African braids.

We look forward to hearing from you!

Beer Here

School: Wauwatosa East H.S., Wauwatosa, WI

Bribe: We will offer one case of each flavor of Leinenkugels, an assortment of fine cheeses, and a basket of Usinger's sausages. Bonus road trip to look for parts at the old AMC plant in Kenosha.

Why Dave Here?: As you know, we've had some labor pains here in the Dairy State. Our new governor has provoked the wrath of the hard working pubic servants who toil endlessly for the benefit of the common taxpayer. I think your words can help soothe and heal the wounds of our exploited teachers/administrators and explain to the impressionable youths exactly why it is honorable to call in sick to work when you are not sick, take a road trip to Madison to hook up with the union, and chant slogans about fascism, all the while getting paid by the parents of those youths. That's a scam that you can be proud of even if you did not think it up. Plus, the gov's kids are at Tosa East, so you can call them out personally during your speech, like some of the teachers have done in class.

Plus, Packers championship gear is now on sale.


Barack Obama Green Charter High School, Plainfield, NJ

Since they didn't enter the contest to win a speech from their namesake it's only fair that I enter them into the contest to win one from you!

They'll pick you up from the bus station in a VW Microbus converted to run on used cooking oil and you'll get to sing a duet with a dude named "Dr. Funkenstein".

Afterward we'll grab a slice at Pizzaland and I'll show you Tony Soprano's house.

Oh,my! I just realized everyone is bribing you,ah...I mean offering you a car! But since this is Los Olivos, the only offerings would be Priuses,or the occasional old Volvo stationwagon...

ummmmm, How about a trip to the Chumash Casino where you might be able to win a Mercedes? Bring your quarters!

Joe Kristan

As its most distinguished alum, you surely would be welcome to speak at the Eldora State Training School for Boys. They might even let you out sooner this time.

The Musket

Dixie Mountain High

Feel free to come on down to the party here in early May. There will be one and only one graduate. Music will be provided along with all the libations you bring with ya. I've got a bottle of Single Malt Scotch Whisky stashed for all pipers. There will also be shooting - ground targets will be provided, aerial targets might show up pending the migration habits of eagles. If you don't show up, there will be no speaker. Although the only teacher at the school grew up in the 'most literate state' of Iowa, I doubt that will mean anything.

M Malone

Second City Training Center - One Dead Optima Battery, Some Beer

Okay, so it's not really an official thing, in fact there's nothing official at all about this offer, as a matter of fact, there's hardly any there there, frankly I am in no way speaking for any Training Center near North and Wells in Chicago but I am willing to bring the afore mentioned Dead Optima Battery to Corcoron's across from Second City on Wells St. in Chicago and buy Some Beer while you regal people (possible graduates!) near the bar with tales of your choosing that may or may not be limited to post WWI automobiles and the Grotto at the Playboy Mansion. Travel expenses will not be paid nor will any bowls of matching M&Ms await you at Corcoran's. M Malone

I'd like to invite you to the Midlands Academy, Los Olivos, California commencement ceremonies.

This small enviromentally concerned school could surely benefit from your vast knowledge of the V8 engine. Just because they don't allow TVs, iPods, or running water and have to learn how to build a solar panel from scratch in order to graduate doesn't mean their carbon footprint couldn't benefit by being shown the glories of capitalism.(please don't let the fact that this is right in the heart of Leftist/socialist California billionaire country dissuade you. Montecito & Santa Barbara are just down the hill. I'm sure Al Gore & Oprah will personally welcome you!!)

As far as an honorarium...hmmmm. Sorry these folks don't believe in making money except for themselves. But I'm sure that somewhere on their 8,000ac+ campus you can find something to your liking. Bring your own rolling papers...

Strobey Garber

Paul Krugman School for the Knowingly Gifted, New York, New York.

On behalf all the Singing Skinflutes here at PKSKG, we cordially invite your presence at our annual Commencement Gala. Mr. Krugman, our school's namesake has had to cancel at last minute due to some unforeseen circumstances, which have necessitated him enrolling in an Advanced Statistics course at the National Business Center (Uptown Campus) in Camden, New Jersey. Furthermore, we feel as a Iowan and body shop tech that you will be able to assist us in infusing more diversity and multiculturalism into our annual event. Thanks for your time and consideration.

As a token of our appreciation for your attendance at our event, we would love to offer some or all of the following:

One ball-joint, A-Arm, and front fender - 1979 Dodge Dart
One rear hatchback door (lock already removed) - 1976 AMC Hornet (brown, someone painted "Hey, Hey, Hey" on the back for some reason)
One kick-ass Torqueflite 727 transmission (possibly stolen)
1/2 bag of Spice, K2, or Cloud 9, don't know which (confiscated from one of our students)
One Poster of a '69 Dodge Coronet Super Bee

Again, please consider our request Mr. Burge.


All of these entries are impressive. But what you really want to do is to make the biggest impact you can -- do you not? To that end, I give you the crown jewel* of the Houston Independent School District: the High School for the Performing and Visual Arts. Imagine it. Imagine all the lefty, purple-haired drama queens you can set straight. Think of all the future jazz cats you may save from adopting a diet of Twinkies, scotch, and weed the minute they receive their diplomas. Think of the kids in the Mariachi program who can learn a little English from you. And think of my son, who can play the shit out of the piano but can't clean his room to save his life. For that reason alone I would pay you dozens of dollars and put you up in the finest tenements Houston's Fourth Ward has to offer. Oh, and hugs -- lots and lots of hugs.

*This is actually a true statement. It's a great school.

Bill Whittle

CrossRoads School for the Exceptional, Santa Monica, CA: Excellence in non-traditional educational paradigms for the Indigo Aura Male, Female, Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgendered and Unresponsive,

Dear Mr. Dave,

We would be delighted to have you speak to our graduating class of 2011.

CrossRoads is a remarkable school; every single admission we accept has to show proven excellence in order to even secure an interview. Not in academia, obviously -- don't be droll, sir. No EVERY student at CrossRoads is the son or daughter of either an A or B list movie star, or the product of a SIGNIFICANT donation by behind-the-scenes players such as entertainment attorneys or studio executives.

We would like for you to come to our graduation ceremony, and simply stand at the podium. Remarks are not only not necessary, but distracting. What we are primarily interested in is allowing 20 minutes or so for our students to observe your dress and other personal features; presence of horns, if any; and generally revel in your lack or recognizability and poor Q factor.

We think that the ability to actually SEE a person from flyover country would enormously help them in their upcoming capacity as filmmakers, news anchors, stand-up comedians and famous musicians. How can they mock and disparage what they have not seen?

Our speaker fees generally run in the $750,000 range. Please let us know as soon as possible. If you have not yet discovered email in "Iowa" then you may attach a handwritten note, bearing your mark, to a brick and throw it through our administrators windows during business hours, which are 11:00 - 1:30 pm, PST, on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.

Best regards, etc.

PS -- as a special request, is there any chance you can bring with you a photograph of a "gun?" We would very much like to see what they look like; assuming that the photograph does not pose any threat to our children. We have zero-tolerance when it comes to depictions or discussions of violence.

Mick Langan

Franklin County HS, Brookville, IN

We are the legendary Fried Chicken Capital of the Universe. Should you select our fine high school as your destination, we will offer you a veritable cornucopia of delights:

* A judgeship in our 12th annual Chicken Fry-off. This gives you the right to sample dozens of the finest artery-clogging offerings in our venerable poultry cooking brawl.

* The chance to throw the first chicken-leg into the silver canoe in our record-busting "Ton-O-Chicken" Guiness Book try.

* Photograph of you with the winner of our concrete chicken painting contest.

We will await our obvious choice.

Gary from Jersey

Communist Martyrs High School in Wanamassa, NJ, would welcome you as First Among Equals as long as you bring your own weed and take some wimmin folk home with you. We have a fine selection of bowling ball shaped belles who can open a beer with their nostrils and speed dial 911 for the post-speech party and OD competition we only have four, maybe eight times a year.

mark c

Southwest High School class of "74

Just come as you are. I'm sure the clothes you're currently wearing will fit right in, or you can streak to the podium.

Nostromo T. Conrad

We have a real need here at Hyacinth Manor for the kind of avuncular yet inspirational content for which you are justly famous. I promise the inmates will be off their meds for at least an hour before your presentation, which can last for ten minutes max, due to ADD limitations. In keeping with the automotive nature of the offers so far, we have a 1981 Ford LTD front end bumper (needs rechroming) out back that is yours for just the honor of your presence, if not the content of your remarks. We are just off I-80 by Bettendorf.
Take the Middle Road exit. Lunch not included.


My dog is graduating from her puppy class on Saturday and it would be inspirational I'm sure for her to have pictures taken while you feed her snacks. As payment I'll take you out shooting in the Utah desert, where you can experience the joy of making red soda explode in gloriously gory way.


me and my buddies have been barred from school property so could you do this at one of our houses instead? my mom will handle the honoraria if that's cool.

David Rogers

Phil's description of the Woodlands is perfect.

Greg West

Pasadena High School / Pasadena, Texas

We gots son eextra yumper cables por usted down at da auto chop class.
Ju can juse dem to start jour car.

Can please come 'cuz Salenas is dead and aint gonna come.


As Chief Warden of the Lo-Desert Manual Arts Rehabilitation Facility in Thermal, California, I urge you provide us with your inspiration at our graduation exercise/parole hearings to be held on July 13, 2011.

As topics, I suggest analysis of the risk/reward ratios and shrinking margins in the modern inner-city chop shop and the relative values of available pre-paid legal plans. Our clients have been out of circulation for a while and are not up to date with current case law.

I understand that you have plenty of expertise in these fields, but feel free to cover any topic you feel up to, in case of a bad hangover. Your usual slow pace will mesh perfectly with our translator's work in 3 languages.

Your speechifying will be excellent preparation for these young men's future "careers", in case they go straight. If they can't sit through your "presentation", they won't be able to deal with what they must encounter in what will pass for "jobs" in the future.

Your blather will be preserved and played every day for our future clients, in expectation that this will deaden their sensibilities and thus immunize them against going postal both during their stay and later on in life.

Your honorarium will be a little tricky,since I can't take the chance of keeping it on my person, but you will find it in the glovebox of the primered 1976 Camaro out in the secured parking lot, license plate KLASSY. (If there's a girl passed out in the back seat, she is NOT PART OF THE DEAL!) As a bonus though, any one thing you can physically carry away from our Gift Shoppe is yours to keep, with our compliments. Universal Keeyz are our biggest seller, but I expect you already have a complete set.

Please forward your personal details for our mandatory background check if you see fit to grace us with your wisdom. I can pretty much guarantee that the temperature will be in the low triple digits in the shade, although there has not been any shade since a rowdy element cut down our tree in a mass escape attempt.

We are not far from Bullhead City, and I could make some personal introductions, know what I'm sayin'?

With all due respect,
Harry Bergeron, Chief Warden


Veterans of Class Wars, High School
Redwood City, CA

In honor of your appearance at our ceremony, we will invite you to take as many boxes of my wife's-shit-that-she'll-never-put-in-the-trash-but-will-never-remember-if-it-gets-lost as you can carry. Plus, before your speech, we'll go out to the multi-purpose room (aka garage) for a brief creativity-enhancement aromatherapy session. **

Veterans of Class Wars (mascot: The Regal Revenuers) is an alternative continuation magnet school focused on community (wink) activism and bureaucratic preparation. We are dedicated to the full-time, but not too difficult, employment of our staff and their friends. Secondary objectives include:
- bi-weekly attendance checks
- development of self loathing among students
- day care for the teen moms (and grandmoms!)
- hassling parents for money to keep the school "good"

Budget cuts have hit the school hard. We're facing a 30-to-1 student teacher ratio this year. Of course we're still meeting the district mandated 1.5-to-1 teacher to administrator ratio... and we're proud of our 1-to-1 janitor to administrator ratio. (Our bathrooms would be clean if those Evil Republicans hadn't cut funding for mops!)

Please be aware that Union rules prevent most forms of class room teaching... so please don't bring books/computers/chalkboards etc. to the campus.

** I understand that Mr. Burge and myself share the distinction of having grown up in Southeast Iowa. I'm hoping to celebrate our shared history by finding some authentic Lee County Ditchweed. Given that there are >500 marijuana dispensaries in a 20 mile radius... there's got to be some out there.

Joy McCann/Miss Attila

Herbert Hoover High School, Glendale CA

Offering a half-smoked Rocky Patel cigar, plus a couple of bottles of cheap red wine.

I'm living in a largely Armenian town, wherein the people are decent and God-fearing AND they know how to party. Naturally, a speech by the legendary Dave Buerge would help the youngsters figure out how to pace themselves.


Home School High, home of Fightin' Bible Thumpers!

"Perfectly good" tire and wheel from 1976 Dodge Pickup Truck, that's only been sitting in the garage for a "few" years; booze AND cigarettes; tiger's blood

Us Bible Thumpers deserve the honor of being abused by Mr. Burge because we would much prefer to hear anything by some random car guy from Iowa -- including incoherent mumbling; a drunken reading of the local yellow pages; an "air guitar" performance with vocal riffs; or even hiccups and/or burps, etc. -- than to suffer through one word uttered by the current President of the United States.

Go Bible Thumpers! WINNING!

Phil Smith

The Woodlands HS, The Woodlands TX

I will provide you with the battery cables that I replaced in my son's Jeep, and share whatever bottle of bourbon happens to be open at the time (usually Makers Mark).

The kids at this school are a bunch of spoiled rotten little brats, none of whom know how to do more for their cars than put gas in them. They have crappy musical taste as well. They need education on both counts.

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