There comes a time when a man must make his stand.
That moment came for me today, when US President / Commander-in-Chief / National School Lunch Lady Barack Obama took to the airwaves to declare an all-out War on Tater Tots. And right on cue, his missus traveled to Fort Jackson SC to brief military leaders on a pressing "national security problem" -- childhood obesity.
Maybe this is what he meant by a "Spudnik moment," but for me it was a wake-up call that our cherished American tuber rights are under siege. For if they can take our Tots, what do the Tater tyrants want next? Our Funyuns? Our Fluffernutter?
No, say I. You can nationalize our car companies. You can spend our country into oblivion. But mister, when you go after my Tots -- you've gone a casserole too far. That's why I'm declaring January 28 to February 3 National Tater Tots Rights Week and asking you to stand up with me against the Tot-grabbers in Washington. Let's let 'em know they'll get our Tater Tots when they pry them from our cold dead greasy fingers! Here's how you can participate:
Join the Buy-cott. Raid the frozen potato section of your local grocery store and buy up their Tot supply before the Feds get there first. Together, we can give Ore-Ida the financial resources they need to stave off a potential hostile government takeover.
Get out in the kitchen, rattle those pots and pans. Okay, you've got a home freezer full of spud nuglets. What next? Feed 'em to your hungry family and friends, stupid! There are a gazillion delicious, insurrectionist ways to incorporate Tots in your diet, like this. So get creative, and take pictures!
Organize and share. Forget the Tea Party, all the hip anti-government revolutionaries are joining the Tot Party! And you can be a Totbagger too - spread the word about National Tater Tot Rights Week on your favorite social media. Share strategies and recipes and organize local Tot-ins in the open comment section below.
If you have pictures of you spud-activism, make sure you email them to me (link on left sidebar) so I can share them with your comrades. So don't be shy -- show me your Tots!
UPDATE 1/31/11
Breaking spud news! Totbagger fury is simmering in the comments section, along with important information. Via Russell Snow, this alternative take from Joad Cressbeckler:
From commenter "Lawless" comes this suggestion for a Totbagger anthem...
...while Hawaiian tuber activist Kini prefers this infectious bit of 80's potato-pop:
Check the comments for more tater debaters. While the contoversy mashes on, I'm getting correspondence from the front lines. From "Tom Nav" comes this cell phone pic of a bag of soon-to-be contraband he acquired at his local grocers:
From reader Mike Clarke, a delicious division of bacon-armored Tots ready to march into the broiler. Mike adds: "I’m hiding all my tots inside bacon from now on. (with a pickled Jalapeno)"
Sharp eyed New York reader Anthony Bialy shares this on-the-spot photo demonstrating that the Tot insurrection has reached Manhattan. Anthony writes:
"It looks like America's favorite/most awesome chain is on our side. We can stick it to The Man by eating America's favorite form of hash browns as served by comely waitresses. Hooray for orange shorts!"
If that wasn't enough to convince you that Gotham is the new hotbed of Tater revolution, NYC reader "Dahlees" shares this mighty skyscraper of spudlets from her weekend dinner table:
Remember the Alamo! Texan Greg McCoy suggests a battle standard:
"there needs to be a Gonzales Flag of defiance, On the field of the flag a Tater Tot, beneath the words 'Come and Take it'"
Your wish is my command, Tex!
But the early leader for most creative Totbagger goes to another Texan, Gregg Geil, who shares this delicious dessert:
"To really move the needle on tater tot sales, it is necessary to take the tot where it has never been before. Specifically dessert. Dessert tonight was a Tater Tot Sundae. It is redolent of the taste of a french fry dipped in a chocolate Dairy Queen milkshake."
While Clark Van Meter writes to remind me there's a Tater Tot mecca right in my Chicagoland back yard.
"Meier's Tap? I seem to remember you saying something about tots being their signature dish... Is it time to defend teh tot from there?"
Excellent catch, Clark! Perhaps Meiers would be the ideal place for an apres-revolution eat-in. Totstock, anyone? Let me know if you are interested in the comments. In the meantime, keep emailing those spudventures!
Now we know why michelle was never proud of america. We thought arugla was a carribean island and we like potatoes,potatos, and tomatos.
Posted by: dunce | February 26, 2011 at 04:30 PM
All I can say is you haven't had this recipe for "Death by Tubers".
As follows:
Partially thaw a 32 oz. bag of hash brown potatoes. Melt 12 oz. Velveeta cheese with 1 stick of butter in microwave. Add 8 oz. sour cream, 1 can cream of chicken soup, 1 teaspoon onion pdr., 1 tsp. salt. Add potatoes, stir, pour into 13x9 pyrex. Sprinkle 2 to 3 cups of crushed corn flakes over the potatoes; drizzle 1 stick of butter or margarine over the whole mixture in the pan. Bake at 350 degrees for one hour.
Knock yourselves out.
Posted by: Laura | February 22, 2011 at 05:42 PM
hhmm.. that's yummy I think.
Posted by: ttv | February 15, 2011 at 01:59 AM
No matter what you say so guys. But I love this rather. :-)
Posted by: escalante blogger | February 15, 2011 at 12:13 AM
You can have my groceries when you take them from my cold dead hands, which shouldn't be hard; I'm stuck in the freezer as we speak.
Posted by: Bill Haurton | February 08, 2011 at 10:15 AM
Tater Tot sundae? Sorry, that makes me hurl.
I salute you for sticking it to the Man, however.
Posted by: S. | February 05, 2011 at 07:11 PM
So, welcome to crash our party and welcome to bring a bit of beet and arugula or lettuce Rockettes, look, we promote diversity, tastes health of all stripes. We will hold our National Summit Rock Spring Watch CSPAN for live coverage. Down the influence fortunate in our schools. Look here recipes for children beet friendly.
Posted by: gold eagle value | February 04, 2011 at 11:03 AM
I love it when libraries can not see the absurdity of its absurdity. Get the coffee party in Wikipedia, I Beatrice Party is not a stretch. There is, or is it them or not talk to us Jimminies feet of snow here in Canuckistan. Here is one of the boys in my home town toy Michelle Obama.
Posted by: american gold eagles | February 04, 2011 at 10:24 AM
Why not follow the POTUS himself? Avoid obesity: take up smoking!
Posted by: khazar | February 03, 2011 at 03:38 PM
Said in my best Bugs Bunny voice - "This means war!"
Posted by: Cod Liver | February 02, 2011 at 03:15 PM
Rally's on the West Coast has Tater Tots as a standard side dish.
Posted by: sohbet odaları | February 01, 2011 at 04:25 PM
WTF! Why are we paying for this woman to pretend she was elected to some position of power? Let Orca stay home and be the first Mother-in-chief. It is expedient to deal with its own fat and children does not teach everyone.
I do not know why this woman is wasting tax dollars, and travel around and show themselves. Is there any other FLOTUS to inject himself in this light? Well, WTF.
Posted by: gold eagle sets | February 01, 2011 at 03:24 PM
That's it -- I'm off to Sonic for a large order of Cheese-Tots. Make it two! Or maybe one large Cheese-Tots, one large Chili-Cheese-Tots. Wash it down with a large cherry Coke, after lifting a toast to the Tot-Hatress-In-Chief.
Posted by: texasmamma | February 01, 2011 at 10:41 AM
Rally's on the West Coast has Tater Tots as a standard side dish.
Posted by: ExExZonie | January 31, 2011 at 06:34 PM
The correct battle cry for Tex McCoy's standard is "Remember the Ala Mode!"
Posted by: Dennis Long | January 31, 2011 at 04:27 PM
You should read about the 85-year-old "Potato Lady" of St. Peters, Mo., who is running for office for the first time: http://bobmccarty.com/?p=35086.
Posted by: Bob McCarty | January 30, 2011 at 09:53 PM
Tater Hater
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l27otMzmWCQ
Posted by: Kini | January 30, 2011 at 03:42 PM
Tater Hater
Posted by: Kini | January 30, 2011 at 03:40 PM
Tuber, or not tuber, that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mouth to suffer
the offbrand taters of dubious origin;
Or to bear spatulas against a sea of bacon fat.
Posted by: arlo | January 30, 2011 at 12:27 PM
OR ... just ingest some stomach parasites. You can reclaim your testicles and disregard your daunting dame's dietary dictates! http://is.gd/04laAb
Posted by: CaptainVictory | January 29, 2011 at 11:16 PM
What is the First Lady's position on Funions and Ding Dong's?
Posted by: J Garland | January 29, 2011 at 07:46 PM
This just shows how silly, trivial, and amusing the Left has become.
If we deploy the Military's Predators to Hellfire out of existence Abu Potato and Ibn ali spud, will Michelle finally be proud of our country?
Posted by: elf | January 29, 2011 at 06:13 PM
Tater Tots can be more than just pleasing to the tongue!
http://enigmaartist.blogspot.com/2007/10/tater-tot-casserole.html
But, to the eyes!
http://www.zazzle.ca/tater+tot+posters
And, to the touch!
http://www.cafepress.ca/+tater-tots+pillows
Or,for some "adventure" and "outgoing-ness" (pleasing to the eye and touch?)
http://www.modelmayhem.com/742330
Tater Tots offer so much...
Posted by: tatertotsrule | January 29, 2011 at 01:33 PM
You know what's better than tater tots?
BACON TOTS!
Posted by: skinnydipinacid | January 29, 2011 at 12:21 PM
WTF! Why are we paying for this woman to pretend that she was elected to some position of power? Let the orca stay home and be the First Mom in Chief. She had better be looking after her own fat kid and not lecturing on everyone else's.
I don't know why this woman is allowed to waste our tax dollars to travel and around and show herself off. Did any other FLOTUS shove herself into the spotlight like this? No. WTF.
Posted by: Anonymous Observer | January 29, 2011 at 09:58 AM
No Taters No Peace!
Posted by: California Dreamin | January 29, 2011 at 08:54 AM
I strongly endorse the onion Tater Tots. With the Heinz ketchup. I know the John F Kerry connection, but it's just more money his wife can taunt him with, so it's a win-win.
Posted by: Kermit | January 29, 2011 at 08:47 AM
Keep the tots safe and legal! Avoid the horrors of back-alley tot-making!
Posted by: CaptainVictory | January 28, 2011 at 11:47 PM
ha ha this is so f***ing perfect. My wife just bought me a deep fryer for my 40th. Love the tots! More I say!
Posted by: Jeff H. | January 28, 2011 at 08:46 PM
Okay, it's decided. I'm making the Tater Tots Pizza Casserole for the Superbowl party I'm attending. At least half the attendees will be liberals, since they're from my office, and we will see who eats what. Will my liberal Obama-loving
colleagues shun the Tots? I anticipate much furtive Tot-eating.
If I wanted to be mean, I could also make the Chocolate Beet Cake, label it as such, and see who pretends to enjoy it . . .
Posted by: MaryContrary | January 28, 2011 at 06:49 PM
I might not *be* a fourth grader, but I darned sure *eat* like one (I prefer my tater tots fried, salted, and drowned in ketchup).
Posted by: Sarah | January 28, 2011 at 06:45 PM
Some Tater Tots would blow your mind, You're gonna have to face it your addicted to spuds: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3uXv9mhFLeQ
Posted by: Lawless | January 28, 2011 at 04:55 PM
Timmy my man , we are about to inject our veins with the glorious grease from a Tater Tot Pizza (Tasty Taters in Canada).
I've been noshing on the pepperoni as I write, washing it down with some expensive Zinfandel.
Buddy understand many of us CCCC's were raised on the comedy gold of satire, SCTV. I love it when libs can't see their own absurdity in the absurd. Look up the coffee party on wikipedia, my Beatr Party isnt a stretch (oh look I mad another spelling mistake).
There , or is it their or they're are no Jimminies to speak of we have a foot of snow up here in Canuckistan.
Here is one of my hometown boys with a Michelle Obama Toy.
http://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=sctv+&sk=&sc=8-5&first=81&mid=4C3C2A031F4DFA75C2A94C3C2A031F4DFA75C2A9&FORM=LKVR30
Posted by: maryann | January 28, 2011 at 04:20 PM
Maryann, please, enlighten me about those "hate-filled rallies" of which you speak? Video? Audio? Where and when did they happen? I remember and incident in St. Louis that involved violence...but, oh yeah, that was a white SEIU thug beating up Kenneth Gladney, a black vendor selling flags. And wait, I do remember another incident where someone got their finger bitten off. But, damn, that was another case where the victim was a Tea Party demonstrator and the perp was a union thug. Well, you seem pretty sure of yourself, so I'll just sit here and wait for the YouTube links to all those hate-filled rallies...(sound of crickets chirping).
Posted by: Tim David | January 28, 2011 at 02:58 PM
This is marvelous satire--just the touch of the absurd we need so badly.
To those of you in the Left who see this as another opportunity to make nasty, blame-filled remarks (and to those on the Right who seem to have a stunted sense of humour)--
Learn to make fun of yourself. Life is SO much better that way.
Posted by: Chajiko | January 28, 2011 at 02:10 PM
Cease & desist your barbs towards Maryann. I'll have you know she is in fact is a member in good standing of the CCCC (Classy Conservative Chicks of Canada).
Adjust your satire radars accordingly.
Posted by: iowahawk | January 28, 2011 at 01:35 PM
@maryann, your spelling errors are proof that the liberal education isn't working...
Posted by: devi | January 28, 2011 at 01:17 PM
See, maryann, this is why we cannot have nice things like open comments.
All i seem to have are safeway curly fries, but they'll have to do. Viva la Revolution! Praise the lord and pass the ketchup!
Posted by: vermindust | January 28, 2011 at 01:03 PM
Good satire. Pity the leftees are utterly humorless and nastier-minded than they ever can admit to. Long live the New World carbohydrate!
Posted by: JohnLP | January 28, 2011 at 12:23 PM
Wait -- Ore-Ida is owned by Heinz. As in John Kerry's meal ticket. Is this some kind of secret double reverse marketing to pay for his yacht?
Posted by: Mxymaster | January 28, 2011 at 11:29 AM
It is really too bad the government does not put as much effort towards feeding the hungry as it does trying to take food away from those who have some :(
Posted by: Rebecca | January 28, 2011 at 11:27 AM
Needless to say you baggers never fail to amaze. Did it ever occur to you the violent imagery the name of your new movement conveys
Hah !like did you notice the irony. Tot is another world for toddler or small child. Tot bagger . Nice, and you wonder why we came to the quick and easy conclusion that it was the fault of the right that caused the killing spree in Tucson.
Join the beaters
Posted by: Ezrahh Klyne | January 28, 2011 at 10:34 AM
Oh and did it ever occur to you "Tottbaggers " ,that the children who stand to benefit from the First Lady's crusade are the very potato chip eating babies that Obama witnessed on the streets of South Side Chicago. The Welfare mothers who cannot afford to feed there children healthy food. And don't get me going with your Right Wing bullshit "oh why can't they cook a healthy meal for there children"
Duh! like they have any grocery stores in the vicinity of the hell holes they live in. The Jews and Koreans' charge soooo much for the basic foodstuffs that the stores end up closing down.
Join the Beaters
Posted by: maryann | January 28, 2011 at 10:13 AM
Oh and this one is perfect for you Tot Party Tottbaggers
http://chowhound.chow.com/topics/559139
Posted by: maryann | January 28, 2011 at 09:55 AM
Nice try TEABAGGERS, this is rich. The Beat Top party has been around for two years running.(We beat you to it ,you haters) The titular head of our "organic grassroots movement to finally BEAT childhood obesity is none other than the esteemed Annie Leonard , who has worked alongside the First Lady in both her White House garden and with school administrators.
You might get it into your thick teabagging skulls that beets can be fun and healthy. Have you ever read the ingredients in tater Tots, of course not. It must be all that Hydrolyzed MSG pumping through your veins that fuels the hatred filled rallies.
So like our sister organization the Coffee Party slogan states Wake Up , Stand up and eat BEETS.
It's finally time we removed food corporation influence from our schools. Studies show that healthier diets promote sound learning.
And yes we are a "a latte-sipping, liberal reaction to the populist conservative Teabagging tater Tot ,whatever you want to call yourselves next," movement"
So your welcome to crash our party and feel free to bring along some Beets or Arugula, or Rockette salad, see ,we promote diversity, healthy tastes of all stripes.
We will be holding our national Beat Summit this spring See CSPAN for live coverage.
Down with the moneyed influence in our schools.
See here for kid friendly beet recipes
http://kidscooking.about.com/od/desserts/r/beet_cake.htm
Posted by: maryann | January 28, 2011 at 09:50 AM
Hi. My name's Coach and I'm a non-recovering taterholic. This all seems to be a move by PETA so there will be no place to put all of nature's little creatures next to on my plate.
Posted by: Coach Springer | January 28, 2011 at 08:12 AM
Gotta have gravy, lots and lots of gravy on the tots. Yum.
A big bowl of tots and gravy and and some good wrestling on TV. Life does not get any better than that. Real sports, real food.
Posted by: Dave in Houston | January 28, 2011 at 08:07 AM
Be sure to add a layer of potato chips on it.
Posted by: Patrick | January 28, 2011 at 12:16 AM
For an alternative view:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rsBRfmErTEA
Posted by: Russell Snow | January 27, 2011 at 10:46 PM
Well, for an alternate view:
Posted by: Russell Snow | January 27, 2011 at 10:45 PM
Appropriate stomach organisms (a.k.a. "fellow travellers") will slim anyone down to a healthy and socially responsible weight quickly ( http://www.nps.gov/seac/histback.htm ). They are 100% organic, and 100% renewable. Learn to celebrate and coexist with the diverse and vibrant ecosystem within. The worm castings floating in your toilet bowl can be harvested and used as an excellent mulch for your well-regulated vegetable garden. Eating the vegetables closes the circle of life and makes us whole.
While you haters wage a futile and petty battle for your tots, President Jack Spratt and his wife lead by example.
Posted by: Wm T Sherman | January 27, 2011 at 10:32 PM
The tater of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the ketchup of Hunt's and Heinz.
Posted by: Thomas Jefferson | January 27, 2011 at 09:15 PM
I have not yet begun to fry!
Posted by: John Paul Jones | January 27, 2011 at 08:59 PM
We gotta keep our eyes on these spuds (no pun intended), olives and other perishable goods. After all, look what's happening in the DC delis! Dennis Kucinich is suing for $150,000 for what he calls "permanent injuries" from those pitted little fruits. Oh the humanity. What is it with these foods and their senseless acts of violence? Who could be influencing these delicacies to hurt politicians? What is driving green olives to hate America?
Isn't it time to pass a law limiting the number of pits in an olive to 12 already? How many more brainless politicians have to get hurt before we realize the kind of threat we are under with olives just being thrown in our food, splashed in our Bloody Marys and allowed to hang around all day in the olive bar at our supermarkets?
Posted by: Brad Sebastian | January 27, 2011 at 08:49 PM
I'm thinking of a tater tot, cheese & bacon sub!!!!
Who's with me??
Posted by: GeronL | January 27, 2011 at 08:29 PM
Hey! The Tater Tot Pizza Casserole is made with LEAN ground beef! So, that cancels out the fat-based calories in the Tots. Bonus points for that. If only the Nagger-In-Chief could learn to look at the big picture.
Posted by: MaryContrary | January 27, 2011 at 08:00 PM
You can have my potatoes when you pry them from my cold dead Irish fingers.
Posted by: MikeTheMoose | January 27, 2011 at 07:51 PM
If anyone is suited to declare war on a root vegetable, it is our president.
Posted by: aelfheld | January 27, 2011 at 07:50 PM
This is the sort of hateful tone that threatens our Republic and the spirit of cooperation we need to overcome the scourge of convenience foods. You owe it to society and our children's future to admit your bias due to your obvious addiction to your "Tots."
For shame, sir - you are obviously in the pocket of "Big Potato." For that, you are this week's Worst Person In The World.
Posted by: ExExZonie | January 27, 2011 at 07:31 PM
No two-bit community organizer shall come between me and my carbohydrates. Cease and desist, food police, and leave the ketchup when you go.
Posted by: RJK | January 27, 2011 at 07:30 PM
Chili. Cheese. Tots. Done.
Posted by: Brian Leonard | January 27, 2011 at 07:24 PM
I'm going to the kitchen right now and make myself a Tater Tots Pizza.
Posted by: Joe Redfield | January 27, 2011 at 07:20 PM