MEMO
FROM: Governor Edmund G. “Jerry” Brown Jr.
TO: California Department of Disaster Preparedness; Executive Agency Staff
SUBJECT: FY 2011 Superstorm Plan
Dear Colleagues:
As you may have read recently, a panel of 100 scientists is now warning that the state of California faces the risk of severe “superstorms” that could inflict more that $400 billion in economic damages to our state economy. According to these predictions, such storms could bring more than 120 inches of rain to the Central Valley, and last as long as 40 days. And, possibly, nights.
In anticipation of such a catastrophic event, I will soon begin seeking $75 billion in emergency supplementary appropriations from the California Assembly and federal sources for the construction of the California SuperArk, a state-of-the-art mass transportation vehicle which will help insure the sustainability of our state and its endangered species.
Due to severe state budgetary constraints, funding for this vital project will likely rely on federal grants and loans. In order to help California’s U.S. congressional delegation make our case in Washington, I am asking all of you for a coordinated effort to document requirements and regulatory compliance. In particular:
Design Phase
Initial engineering plans for the proposed SuperArk call for minimum outer dimensions of (300 x 50 x 30) cubits. Although the draft plan calls for wood construction, care should be given to minimize the use of redwood and other old-growth forest timber. I am tasking Cal-DOT to insure the vessel is in compliance with all state fuel efficiency and emissions laws, and can sustain a 10 mph collision with a mountain top.
Construction Phase
During the bidding and procurement process, please insure that all applicant Tier 1 and 2 private subcontractors are in strict compliance with all relevant federal and California employment and workplace safety laws. Specifically, the Fair Labor Standards Act, Davis-Bacon Act, Equal Opportunity Employment Act, Family and Medical Leave Act, and OSHA. Please remember that applicant subcontractors with more than 20 FTEs must have union representation by Local 312 of the United Brotherhood of Ark and Chariot Workers.
Animal Passengers
Pursuant to EO 702.b, the Department of Natural Resources and the Department of Fish & Wildlife shall establish a joint task force for the gathering of beasts two-by-two, as well as beasts who are members of the wilderness LGBT community. Special consideration will be given to traditionally underrepresented members of the Delta Smelt, Snail Darter and Desert Fruit Fly communities.
Human Passengers
Post-flood rebuilding of California will require our best and brightest. While we will attempt to accommodate as many passengers as possible, priority berths will be given to California’s most essential legislators, regulators and Berkeley faculty. Those selected will be provided a 2 x 2 cubit private cabin. Don’t call us, we’ll call you.
Cost Estimation
Due to the increasingly hostile spending climate in Washington, we must strive to keep the total cost of the SuperArk project under $75 billion. However, FY2011 federal project funding guidelines now provide for standard cost multipliers to mitigate cost overruns. Therefore, I ask that you all go forth and multiply.
Sincerely,
Governor Edmund G. Brown Jr.
PS: Has anybody seen the keys to my Segway?
