The correspondence of Congressman Steve Cohen (D-TN), America's most dynamic metaphorist
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Mr. Hector Gutierrez
Gutierrez Bros. Landscaping
Arlington, VA
Dear Mr. Gutierrez:
Nothing could have prepared me for the shock that awaited as I exited the front door of my home early Wednesday morning, where I discovered that your lawn crew had cut a swath of environmental destruction across my yard so horrifying that it only can be compared to the Rape of Nanking. I can scarcely bring myself to describe the killing fields that are my North azalea beds and the brutal degradation and torture suffered by the bluegrass around the locust tree by the rear patio.
No longer will I sit idly while you and your doorknob hangers continue to repeat the Big Lie of "satisfaction guaranteed." I am writing to inform you that I have contacted the US Department of Interior to conduct a full independent investigation into Gutierrez Brothers' actions in this matter. Please be advised that you may be subpoenaed for records pertaining to mower height, pruning shear maintenance, and leaf blower emissions.
I would also advise your crewmen to heed the lessons of the Judgement At Nurenburg: although they may be spared the justice due their superiors, "I was only following orders" is not an excuse.
Sincerely,
Representative Steven Cohen
Washington, DC
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Customer Relations Department
United Airlines
Elk Grove Village, IL
Dear Sir or Madam:
In the dark annals of human evil, history has recorded the Holocaust, the Rwandan genocides, and Stalin's mass starvation program. And now, United Airlines flight 671 from Reagan International to Memphis International on January 17th, 2011. I know, because I am a survivor of that dark exemplar of man's cruelty to man.
Perhaps I should have known what I was in for when your brutal gate agent refused to issue me an upgrade - despite being a Premier/1K member for over 10 years. Or when your flight crew Gestapo confiscated my carry on Roll Tote, even though I had nearly fit it into the overhead bin. But the true measure of the horror did not dawn on me until me and my fellow passengers were left taxiing on the tarmack for over twenty minutes in the Auschwitzian Airbus A320 cattlecar, in temperatures approaching 85 degrees, not knowing our fates or whether we would make it to our fundraising dinners.
Santayana once said, "those who forget history are doomed to repeat it." And I say to you and your fellow United criminals: "never again," unless you credit my account at least 2 flight segments for this travesty.
Sincerely,
Representative Steven Cohen
Washington, DC
cc: Human Rights Watch
cc: Amnesty International
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Ms. He-Sook Park
AAA Georgetown Drycleaning
Washington, DC
Dear Ms. Park:
To paraphrase Pastor Martin Niemoeller, a witness to the Shoah:
First they frayed the hem on my wife's Valentino gown
My staff aide did not speak out
Because it was my wife's and it wasn't that noticeable
When they didn't honor the 5-for-$4.99 tie coupon
My staff aide did not speak out
Because the small print said "good Tuesday to Friday"
And when they overstarched my best Brooks Brothers shirts
there was no one left to speak out to
Because your counter attendant did not speak English
I will no longer stay silent in the face of your cruel and sickening campaign of chemical fabricide, Ms. Park. Mankind will soon learn of the horrors you are hiding behind the flimsy facade of 'One Hour Martinizing.' I expect full reparations for the suffering of my wardrobe, and may God have mercy on your soul.
Representative Steven Cohen
Washington, DC
P.S. -- Could you hem a pair of casual trousers before Saturday? I have a DNC retreat coming up.
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Mr. and Mrs. Robert Epstein
3786 Arbor Cove
Fairfax, VA
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Epstein:
In her diaries, Anne Frank wrote, "After all that has happened, I still believe there is good in everyone." I am sad to say that after the obscene neighborhood parking situation Saturday, prompted by your son Jacob's Bar Mitzvah at Congregation Beth Shalom, I cannot reach the same optimistic conclusion.
As I witnessed one after another of your uniformed parking Gestapo invading my cul de sac with menacing SUVs, eventual blocking my driveway, I could not help but imagine the raw terror that must have gripped the doomed souls that inhabited the ghettos of Warsaw in 1939. Although the traffic jam eventually passed over when your and your adolescent shock troops blitzkreiged the Lazer FunZone, I am not sure I will ever fully recover from the trauma.
Never again, Mr. and Mrs. Epstein. Never again.
Sincerely,
Representative Steven Cohen
Washington, DC
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Note: recycled from 2005.
