Fade in. Chaotic supermarket parking lot, strewn with bodies in aftermath of shooting spree. Amid lights and sirens, a bearded man in black windbreaker and sunglasses ducks under the yellow police tape.
COUNTY DEPUTY
Sir -- sir! Please remain behind the cordon. This is an active crime scene investigation.
KRUGMAN (flashes New York Times OpEd badge)
I know. Krugman, CSI. This is my partner Lt. Matthews.
MATTHEWS
Who's in charge here? And where are the donuts?
DEPUTY
He's over there sir -- Sheriff Dupnik. He's in charge of the donuts, too.
Krugman and Matthews cross the parking lot, deftly stepping over sheet-covered corpses
DUPNIK
Krugman. Matthews. I was wondering when you two would get here. We've already booked a perp. Cruller?
MATTHEWS
No thanks, I'll take those two bear claws though.
KRUGMAN
What do you got with white icing? And what do you got on the perp?
DUPNIK
White male, 22, close cropped hair. Goes by the name of ‘Lucidfer Matrix Dreambrain.’ Another typical college Republican.
CSI DETECTIVE MARKOS "KOS" MOULITSAS
Captain! Captain Krugman! I think you should see this.
On the asphalt outside supermarket, the CSI squad gathers around a spilled bag of groceries outlined in chalk.
KRUGMAN
Good work rookie. Well, well, well. What do we have here?
Crouching down, Krugman picks up a box of Lipton tea bags with the tip of his pencil.
KRUGMAN (whipping off sunglasses)
If I know my demand curves, I’d say our young Republican wasn't acting alone.
Cue opening credit sequence
THE WHO
BRAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHH!
Fast-paced action montage of CSI team shaking test tubes, spellchecking, studying tea bags under microscope, arresting cactus
THE WHO
We won't get fooled again!
CSI Headquarters. Behind a two-way mirror, Krugman and Matthews watch as the suspect is interrogated by detectives Olbermann and Maddow.
OLBERMANN
Out with it, scumbag! Who are you working with? We know you're hiding something - or somebody! At long last, have you no shame, sir?! Have you no decency?
DREAMBRAIN
Riddle me this, Batman. Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? That's for me to know, but what am I? Ha hah! Heee! Ho hee! Pbblltth!
Olbermann jumps up angrily from chair, Maddow restrains him.
MADDOW
Look, pal. Olbermann here, he goes just a little crazy kookoo sometimes. You should see him when he goes full Special Commentary. But you can trust me. I’m your friend. I'll take care of you, see? Here, have a nice hot cup of tea...
Dreambrain knocks the tea from the table
DREAMBRAIN
You're trying to control my grammar! I have a constitutional right to saxophones!
MATTHEWS (on intercom)
Take five, detectives. His rightwing gibberish isn't getting us anywhere.
KRUGMAN
Have the results gotten back from the toxicology lab yet?
MATTHEWS
Got 'em right here. Weed... acid... psilocybin... salvia... Red Bull... but so far a negative on tea. And transfats.
KRUGMAN
Looks like our perp got instructions to dry out his system before pulled off the hit. Dammit, we need to get a solid ID on the scumbag controlling these trigger men before there's another bloodbath! Let’s see if Sullivan has any leads.
Dimly-lit high tech laboratory under CSI HQ, filled with fetal grow charts, maternity shop mannequins
KRUGMAN
So Sullivan, who do you think Dreambrain was working with?
CHIEF FORENSIC GYNECOLOGIST ANDREW SULLIVAN
Well, if I had to venture a guess, I'd say it was a woman. Late 40's. Likely an ex-governor of a US state. One capable of mind control and superhuman childbirth abilities.
KRUGMAN
Dammit man, I need something more solid than that! Did you say she controls people with her mind?
SULLIVAN
No, she controls other people’s minds… but not with her own. Captain, as you can see here, I've taken the liberty of constructing this oversized 3-dimensional model of the mastermind's inside lady parts.
KRUGMAN
Very impressive. What did you use for the fallopian tubes?
SULLIVAN
They had a special on crazy straws at Craft Gallery. Now, if my theory is correct, the mind control waves emanate from deep here within her reproductive system, as some sort of ultra high frequency musical pitch, inaudible to human ears.
KRUGMAN
Like a dog whistle?
SULLIVAN
Exactly. But to her highly susceptible Tea Party dupes, the message comes through… loud and clear.
KRUGMAN (pointing at model)
So you're saying the music goes round and round... whoah-o-ohhh... and it comes out here?
MATTHEWS
Like a nickelodeon… from hell.
KRUGMAN (whipping off sunglasses)
My God, Sullivan. If you’re right, then we just reopened an entire warehouse of cold cases.
SOUND F/X
Fwooommmsh
Flashback: outside Dakota Hotel in New York 1980. A man strolling along sidewalk suddenly freezes midstep. Split screen of beauty pageant in Alaska. Closeup of contestant receiving Miss Congeniality crown. Her eyes turn pulsating red. The New York man pulls gun from leisure suit.
Flashback: inside Texas Schoolbook Depository, 1963. Warehouse worker suddenly freezes. Split screen of baby girl in Eskimo papoose. Baby’s eyes turn pulsating red. Man grabs rifle and walks toward window.
Flashback: intermission at Ford’s Theater, 1865. At concession stand, man suddenly freezes. Split screen of pelt-strewn Governor’s office. A woman is seated behind desk, whose eyes begin pulsating red. Eyes of moose heads on walls begin pulsating red. Man retrieves derringer from waistcoat.
WOMAN BEHIND GOVERNOR’S DESK
I can see 1865 from my window! Bwa ha ha!
SOUND F/X
Fwooommmsh
Flash forward to Sullivan’s laboratory
KOS
Captain! Captain!
KRUGMAN
What is it Moulitsas? This better be good!
KOS (deftly moving windows around on giant touch screen)
Well sir, you see, I wrote a high speed neural network script to mine all two records in our suspect database. I think I made a positive ID.
MATTHEWS
Whuhh? Sarah Palin?! She’s the last person any of us would have expected!
KRUGMAN
Nice work, rookie. I’m putting you up for a commendation.
KOS
Thanks, sir! Should I notify the netroots SWAT team?
KRUGMAN
No. She’ll be already be expecting that and pull her old “victim” card. No, if we’re going to catch Palin, we have to make her come to us. Somehow, we’ve get deep inside the mind one of her minions like Dreambrain, and start thinking like him.
SULLIVAN
Right… and when she starts sending the mind control waves, kapow!
KOS
But sir - that would mean trying to think like somebody who obsessively demonizes and dehumanize anyone he disagrees with, and lashes out at them randomly!
MATTHEWS (puts arm around Kos)
I know kid. It goes against everything CSI stands for, but we have to give it our best try – for civility.
KRUGMAN (pulling off sunglasses)
Thankfully I know somebody out in the desert who can help us get over our strict moral inhibitions.
THE WHO
Mama's got a squeezebox, Daddy never sleeps at night!
Dusty adobe lodge in the desert. The CSI team is gathered around wolf entrails, passing a peyote pipe with Carlos Castaneda and Don Juan.
DON JUAN
Feel the melting away of reality. Be in the journey. Do not see. Only be. Do not try, only do.
MATTHEWS
Do. Be. Do be do be do.
KOS
Oh man, I am a condor... I'm soaring above the canyons....
KRUGMAN
And I am a Nobel prize winner... soaring above the Times OpEd breakroom.
SULLIVAN
I am giving birth… to myself.
OLBERMANN
Palin! There she is! Get her!
The CSI team stumbles into each other, out the front door, and into the desert
THE WHO
That deaf-dumb-and-blind kid sure plays a mean pinball!
CASTANEDA
Hey you idiots, come back here! You're chasing a mirage! The heat will drive you insane!
DON JUAN
Let them go, Mijo. It's not the heat. It's the stupidity.
THE WHO
BRAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHH!
Close credits
