WASHINGTON DC - An afternoon White House closed-door unity summit between President Obama, congressional Democrats and progressive activists decended into a bitter, profanity-laced screaming match of backstabbing, recriminations and total shit talk, according to sources who request you not mention you heard this from sources.
Sources say tensions erupted at the meeting after Mr. Obama and congressional leaders disagreed on the best strategy for exploiting ideological divisions within the incoming GOP caucus. According to several independent reports, one sitting member of Congress was heard to mutter under his breath "fuck the President." It was not immediately clear who the alleged f-bomber was, but according to one source, it could have been almost any member of the Democratic caucus.
"Talk to any Democratic member of Congress privately, and they will tell you they think the President single-handedly fucked up the 2010 midterm elections, destroying a once-in-a-century opportunity for the party," said the source. "They'll call him aloof, out of touch, incompetent, over his head. And then, whoa nelly, then comes the ear jokes."
When informed of the remark, sources inside the White House say the President reacted furiously. "Fuck me? Fuck me?? No, Congress - fuck you, fuck all of you incompetent fucking fucks," Obama is said to have lashed out, although the sources remind you that this is strictly between sources and you.
The President's angry tirade was the only latest salvo in an ongoing whisper campaign by administration officials to distance themselves from congressional Democrats, whom White House staff universally blame for the stunning collapse of Mr. Obama's fortunes. According to one adminstration insider, in private moments the President is especially vindictive toward Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, whom he now reportedly refers to as "Ballot Box Poison" and "Cadaver and Cadaverer."
If anything, the acrimonious back-channel war of words between the White House and their former congressional allies pales in comparision to the out-and-out shit talk blitzkreig that both factions have suffered from angry progressive activists. Grassroots liberals - in the media, online, at colleges and lobbying groups - are now in open rebellion against both Mr. Obama and congressional Democrats, hurling f-bomb laced charges of betrayal, which sources say the public should keep on the down-low.
"Fuck all of these guys," said one prominent DC progressive activist who is a frequent visitor to both the White House and Democratic congressional leaders. "We made them. Everything they have they owe to us. If it wasn't for the netroots, all of these worthless cocksuckers would be living under a bridge. And then they go and reneg on every last promise - taxes, Gitmo, the war, gay marriage, DADT. You know what? Next time they come asking for money, Ima be like, up your ass with a grapefruit spoon, you traitorous shits."
"What the fuck?" responded a senior White House official and a ranking congressional Democrat, in a brief moment of accord between viscious backstabbing. "Who the fuck do these goddamned blog assholes think they are? We don't owe them jack shit. Nothing. What planet do these lunatics live on? Oh yeah, we remember. The one where we let terrorist loose so they can be bridesmaids at their homo weddings."
"Fucking beam me up from these Huffington Post retards," added the two, voicing a widespread opinion held by Washington Democrats. "Do they really think they can win an election on that insane left wing shit? We'd like to see them try. In fact, we dare them. Come on you pussies, let's see you primary us. If you have the balls, which you don't."
It is unclear how the acrimonious 6-way intra-party shitstorm will next play out, but most sources say it is likely to turn worse - much, much worse.
"Man, look for some heavy shit to come down," said one Democratic consultant familiar with the feud. "Will the White House start tapping congressional phones and auditing Soros organizations? Will Congressional Democrats join the GOP in issuing subpoenas of administration officials? Will the netroots start spilling the beans about illegal Democratic campaign activities? I'm telling you, it's gonna be 3-D Demoggedon, and the only ones who will survive are the ones who bomb first."
"Listen, you didn't hear this dish from me," he added in a furtive whisper, "but I hear one of the sides is working with Wikileaks."
