So You Want To Be a Right Wing Villain

From Allahpundit comes late breaking Washington showbiz news that another slasher flick from White House-Sulzberger-CBS Narrative Films has landed with a thud at the box office. As a result the studio will drop promising newcomer villain John Boehner and greenlight a big budget sequel starring - wait for it - Sarah Palin, Glenn Beck, and Rush Limbaugh.

More than anything, what really chaps my hide about this development is the lack of imagination. Why should these same boring overexposed studio "stars" get to hog all the limelight, when there are tens of millions of undiscovered amateur right wingers out here with the raw talent to become America's Next Top Media Scare Figure?

In fact I'd wager there's plenty of 'em right here at Iowahawk - maybe even you! All you need is that big break, like Susan Boyle or William Hung. That's why I'm opening up the comment section on this post to let you showcase your talent. Are you secretly a nexus between two extremist paramilitary organizations, like the Rotary and Shriners? Have a grotesque tan or flat nasal Midwestern twang or a suspiciously large number of children? Lack a plumber's license? Then you just might have what it takes to become a goverment-media complex Two-Minute-Hatebiz superstar!

Please keep your audition to 100 words or less. Our expert panel of judges will carefully review each performance against the critical "4 Ps":

• Poise
• Posture
• Perkiness
• Provokes Progressive Apoplexy

I know you've got it in you, folks - show those suits at CNN and the West Wing you are ready to be demonized as the villanous avatar of Middle America's depraved violent stupidity!*

*Deadline Sept 18, 2010. Eligibility: entries open to all US resident villains over the age of 2. Employees of ABC, NBC, CBS, MSNBC, Newsweek, Time, Tribune Company, NPR, PBS, CNN, Washington Post, New York Times or other White House subsidiaries and their immediate families are ineligible. All entries become the property of Iowahawk Ventures LLC. Winners agree to assign 10% of all Regnery book deals or villain appearances to David R. Burge. Don't Call Us, We'll Call You.

Comments

[bob]

There's a guy that writes articles on Iowahawk that would be perfect if he would quit using big words.

[pdbuttons]

i got a big pasty white head
for fun i pick up hitchikers and chain smoke and in between coughs i apologize for the broken windows that wont roll down
i make my wife wear a Sarah Palin wig
i play golf using endangered delta smelts as tees. i vacation in Branson but when money is tight i stay at a wal-mart parking lot
just me and my honey..and my dog...and my banjo..
my great great granmammers invented the saying
" lips that touch penises shall never touch mine". i like to whittle

[Kat]

I have filed a tax return every year since I started working at the age of 16. You read that right.

I once turned down a job - even though I really needed to be employed - because I had to join a union.

I have two parasite children who go to Catholic school; read Iowahawk, AllahPundit and Treacher faithfully; and drive all the way to work instead of taking the bus.

I also gave my husband permission to start buying guns and get his concealed carry permit.

And I love to indulge in Burgerville Tillamook cheeseburgers with a fresh blackberry milkshake.

[ussjimmycarter]

I would make an outstanding candidate for your position, but...well...let's just say I'm a super stud! Women can't keep their hands off me. It's a curse really! I know, I would become a media super star over night with my manly good looks, my perfect timing when it comes to putting down some libtard and my ability to get out the female vote. I'm just afraid that America isn't ready for me and all. We'd have to create a logo and I'd have to pose walking out of the ocean and all shirtless. Then I'd have to start punchin' people like John McCain and Lindsay Grahm in the face and it would all go down hill and it would not end well and we would be lucky to survive the whole thing...

[Neocon News]

Please ladies and gentlemen, let's keep these entries in a manner that can easily be taken out of context for the sake of our mainstream media benefactors. In keeping with villain tradition, I offer this entry late and with a general disregard for dictates and decorum. My qualifications for the next Right Wing Villain are as follows:

1. I'm on the official high score list for the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy™ Home Game edition!
2. I once looked at the back flap of a Harry Potter book in high school, thereby cementing myself as 'unelectable' due to the well known evangelical Christian base of stalwart states such as Delaware.
3. I'm trustworthy.
5. I've never stolen the #4 in my life. My honesty will ensure there are no 'October' surprises to be dug up before I'm strapped into the strawman bonfire in November. And when I say nothing will be dug up, I mean it because who can really tell what disturbed ground looks like off the interstate anyway?
6. I have a veritable bevy of lobbyist connections in the sense that I've at one point used most of the products produced by the industries that leading lobbyists represent such as oil, corn syrup and alcohol/tobacco/firearms (in that order).
7. I'm fond of coming up for 'catchy comical' nicknames for opposing party volunteers videotaping my rallies.
8. I'll be easily painted as an elitist by academics who have never held a job in their life by having the gall to WORK in Washington, D.C. if elected.
9. My taxes are up to date.
10. I only produce tingles down the leg.

I eagerly await your response from the guestroom at the Bohemian Grove.

[Zed]

Hat, ring, etc.

I love telling self-proclaimed "moderates" I voted for Nader in 2000 because Bush2 and Gore had way too much in common.

I have intimate knowledge of legal-aid lawyers and can torture them at will. For instance, "hey, did you hear about that slum-lord you shut down? I hear he sold the property to a developer that has commited to building half-million-dollar condos. They're evicting and demolishing half a city block to make room for the off-leash dog park."

I would relish the opportunity to... aw, who am I kidding?

This is a job for a "protected class" member. SWM's just don't generate the requisite progressive rage, no matter what we do or say. I could film myself burning a Koran in a Michelle Malkin t-shirt on Professor Gates doorstep while bragging about getting laid at a Code Pink rally, and still not be hated as much as Sarah Palin.

[Nike Shox Navina]

If the pain is met the truth, stick to the truth, you should consciously, then also cheerfully, pain will only then to happiness.Do you think so?

[Lars]

All the knuckle-draggers who posted before me don't know what they are talking about, take my word for it. I can promise all American citizens free Commie-kebabs for as long as they last. Are you with me?

[Dudeman]

I have 5 kids 11 and under, no twins all children have the same mother to whom I am happily married (for over 15 years.) I am an unapologetic christian attending both evangelical non-denominational churches and Catholic Church once a month. I homeschool, am a creationist, and an attorney.
I own guns (.40S .308 Semi-Auto with a few 20 round clips; 12 GA; and .410). I have over 1000 rounds of ammo for each gun. My kids know gun safety, have all touched each gun, and I hunt. Often.

[dfp21]

God bless America, and fortify us to reclaim and preserve this, the last best hope of man on earth.

[dfp21]

God bless America, this, the last best hope of man on earth.

[texasmamma]

I’m a Christian, a Texan, a Caucasian who eats meat. I pay taxes but don’t like it. I think kids should be allowed to play dodgeball at school and that not every kid on the Little League team should get a trophy. I’m a gun-owner who doesn’t recycle and I'm against abortion. I’m not on welfare and am married to a person of the opposite sex. I have several more than 2.5 children. I am a fan of the internal combustion engine. I drive an SUV without passengers. For a time, I home-schooled my children. I volunteer with the USO and think soccer mostly sucks. I display the American flag at the home I own. I often think for myself, eschewing “group-think”. I donate regularly to charity. One of my kids won a Rotary Club essay contest on “Patriotism”. “Multi-cultural” is a bad word at my house.

I think “Live Free or Die!” is a great slogan; also: “Tea Partiers – Ungovernable since 1773"

I’m the total terrifying package

For the win: I’m indisputably Iowahawk’s biggest fan

Thanks for the part!

[WRT]

It is obvious to everyone I am most deserving to be America's Next Top Media Scare Figure for a number of reasons:

I've been told (By the MSM) that...

I am a knuckle-dragging mouth-breather
I am an Islamaphobe
I am sexist
I am racist
I am a xenophobe
I am jingoistic

As a plus, evidently I am a (R word) and an Uncle Tom for suggesting that I, more than the gubberment, know best how to spend the pittance I earn and truly believe that those who earn more than I similarly know best how to spend their gains, ill-gotten or otherwise, better than DC.

I want nothing I don't deserve and need nothing I can't provide for myself. If that attitude doesn't scare the bejesus our of the establishment, I don't know what will...

Also, I am fatter than Limbaugh (and much shorter with less hair), prettier than Palin (albeit a male with a blotchy complexion and a double chin), and make Beck seem more like Olbermann in terms of ideology.

Plus, if I don't win, I'm coming to your house to make rude sounds with my hand and armpit and stare lewdly at your dog...

[James Currin]

Please join us on the last Friday in April (Arbor Day) outside whichever of the of the 15 Presidential Libraries is nearest your home, to mourn the thousands of dead trees used to produce the tons of crap stored within that no human being ever has or will see. Should you be confronted by one or more of the "docents"—failed graduate students who could not obtain foundation jobs—that infest these institutions, flash them an obscene gesture or a throat cutting movement. Since many of them are now threatening to install "interactive" exhibits, the need for action is urgent.

Since Presidential Libraries would fade into obscurity without the support of "scholars" who affect to perform "research" within their archives, our organization has declared a Fatwa naming the following persons: Doris Kearns Goodwin, Douglas Brinkley, Michael Beschloss, Robert Dallek, or Gary Wills. Anyone who succeeds in planting a custard pie on the puss during or preceding a television appearance of any of these will receive a $25 bounty.

[44 Magnum]

Oh, I forgot to mention, I don't give a damn if I win this thing, I just dearly love tormenting my betters.

"Summer sausage"? Why yes, I'll take two please.

[44 Magnum]

To get my "progressive" friends in near aneurism stage, I point out how many people attended a TEA party rally where Sarah Palin spoke as I swill 5 to 8 Natural Light beers down rapidly. As they start to whine and mewl their typical incoherencies, I belch in their faces, then piss on the plants while defaming ManbearPig's idiot "Global Warming" scam and finish off with inferring Barack Hussein Obama makes a better looking black woman than Michelle Antoinette Obama, gently referring to her as "Piltdown Woman" and then collect all my poker winnings and leave the mess for them to clean up. Liberals have a poker face like Ronald McDonald, but they think they're the smartest stack of turds in the room and they keep asking me back so they can see me lose. I may have to eat some beef stick before going next week. Then I can demonstrate some real climate change they can wrap their olfactory's around.

[Robert17]

Whilst (dammit) While not nose pickin', Bible thumpin', or nervously cocking and releasing the trigger on my shotgun, I find time to cross-stitch a replica of the Betsy Ross flag. Although having mostly useful teeth, for the politically incorrect 15 minutes of fame I'm willin' to take a crowbar to the mouth. I am firmly convinced this personal sacrifice will afford Tea Partiers to sneak from the back door to the parlor of DC politics, distractions being the better part of valor and all.

[Mike]

If elected, I promise to privatize the sidewalks.

[Blake]

I could be mistaken for President Barack Obama, as I'm the right height and build.

Where the resemblance falls down, though, is the whiteness of my skin (tho our President is half white) the fact I've held real jobs throughout my life, think the 1911 .45 is the apex of pistol design and think most elected government officials are my social inferiors.

Did I mention I can actually throw a ball across home plate without looking like some kind of nancy boy?

Oh, yeah, I wear a suit as well if not better than our president. Unlike our president, though, the suit wouldn't be empty.

[David Kamioner]

Oh dear me. I shall retie my cravat and put down my Dunhill for a scooch of a moment to audition for this part.

Understudying Johnny Gilegud at the Old Vic during my Oxford days, yes, gives me an unfair advantage over the rest of the field.

Good.

I like unfair advantages. Just as i like oodles of hereditary money, gorgeous but stupid women, large houses, fast cars and old bourbon.

Or is that large women and fast houses? I can never remember.

Anywho, if, by the Grace of God, I am given this portentous appointment, then I swear by my sacred love of Brooks Brothers that I will amusingly condescend to the Left, accept not a whit of their silly premises and otherwise confound the blighters hopefully giving them scads of apoplexy.

As that Luther chappie said years ago in Hunland, "I can do no other."

Or something like that, but much more clever.

[Shabby]

Oh, sorry Guv'nor. I gobbed on yer carpet.

[wormme]

First, as a white, Southern, heterosexual Christian who's a nuclear worker, my capacity for progressives' hatred is unsurpassed. And I contend, sir, that I realize this potential:

Here I scientificaliciously prove that the APA, along with "Blue Americans", is insane: http://wp.me/pUYvO-7x . Really. It's science.

I provide the NAACP a tactical roadmap to taking over...and it's really going to enrage them if they ever see it: http://wp.me/pUYvO-9o

Finally, here's proof that I seek to goad the leftists into killing me: http://wp.me/pUYvO-rc

Top that, fellow haters!

[Mark the right wing nut job that thinks the founding fathers were right, and GASP smarter than all politicians today..]

Welcome to the Constitutionalist Party.

Well, I am probably the greatest demon to both parties, because I have actually had a job in the private sector all my life. Could you imagine the looks if they had to share a toilet or Lord forbid a water fountain with me?

I beleive that George Bush and John McCain were both libs who were trying to make the Republican Party in the image of European "Conservative" party, you know just left of center but not too far. Aw crap it would'nt have mattered anyway, Pelosi and that crowd were so far left they make chairman Mao look like Ronald Reagan for Pete's sake.

Our party platform is simple, the constitution is the law of the land at the federal level and all other power goes to the states. Federal Income Tax, EPA, The Fed, etc... all unconstitutional.

The Party Platform planks are just quotes from the great Thomas Jefferson, here are a few:

A wise and frugal government, which shall leave men free to regulate their own pursuits of industry and improvement, and shall not take from the mouth of labor the bread it has earned - this is the sum of good government.
Thomas Jefferson

All tyranny needs to gain a foothold is for people of good conscience to remain silent.
Thomas Jefferson

Commerce with all nations, alliance with none, should be our motto.
Thomas Jefferson

The laws that forbid the carrying of arms are laws of such nature. They disarm only those who are neither inclined nor determined to commit crimes... such laws serve rather to encourage than to prevent homocides, for an unarmed man may be attacked with greater confidence than an armed man.
Thomas Jefferson

The central bank is an institution of the most deadly hostility existing against the Principles and form of our Constitution. I am an Enemy to all banks discounting bills or notes for anything but Coin. If the American People allow private banks to control the issuance of their currency, first by inflation and then by deflation, the banks and corporations that will grow up around them will deprive the People of all their Property until their Children will wake up homeless on the continent their Fathers conquered.
Thomas Jefferson

[Y-not, proud ginger]

I am the Left's worst nightmare: an overly-educated (Ph.D. from Obama's old employer, the University of Chicago) former professor who cooks her husband of 26 years dinner every night and irons his shirts.

And I'm a ginger.

Fear me, libs.

[sam]

i have filled a rico suit against george Stenbrenner.deliberately dying in 2010 to try and escape proper and just thieft. of his estate by the government.as well as a class action suit against george Soros for actions depriving jews of their civil liberties in hungsery , as an agent for ss troupers. i only ask the usual 30% +all expenses.the resulting anarchy will usher in our golden age

[sam]

i have filled a rico suit against george Stenbrenner.deliberately dying in 2010 to try and escape proper and just thieft. of his estate by the government.as well as a class action suit against george Soros for actions depriving jews of their civil liberties in hungsery , as an agent for ss troupers. i only ask the usual 30% +all expenses.the resulting anarchy will usher in our golden age

[RMZimmerman]

I will attempt to establish my bona fides by offering a series of modest proposals:

-I would gerrymander Maxine Waters into a district that includes Simi Valley and Thousand Oaks.

-I would abduct Barney Frank and release him into the arena at the Pendleton Roundup in a rodeo clown's costume during the bull riding event.

-I would ship members of PETA to Kodiak Island so they can prostelyze the native Brown Bears into becoming Vegans.

-I would incarcerate Al Gore at Guantanamo. Before waterboarding, he would be placed on a diet of alfalfa sprouts and bean curds until the regulation sized board could accommodate him.

-I would send Rosie O'Donnell on tour with the Chippendale Dancers.

-I would provide Barbra Streisand with a big game hunt hosted by Ted Nugent and friends.

I would ferry to Martha's Vineyard with 10,000 fellow rednecks, toting provisions of PBR and possum jerky, to share in the festivities of the Obama family vacation.

[LexisTexas]

God, Guns and Old Glory: My Plan to Save America
Although seemingly mired in moral and fiscal calamity, much like that which threatened the Deep South during the golden age of the 1860's, my plan to save America involves no more effort than the great Ronald Reagan exerted in single-handedly destroying the godless Communists. First, a respectul return to that symbol of national greatness: I suggest requiring every American carry Old Glory somewhere on their person, and to verify this, we shall create a group dedicated to randomly stopping and searching anyone in public. Of course, these "patriot patrols" would have to wear some kind of uniform...I'm thinking some kind of brown shirt would be nice.

[Glen Palin]

I am the child of Glenn Beck and Sara Palin.

[Neil M]

An update......
I'm in the backyard again, this time roasting a couple of condors on the Koran-b-cue. I just sprayed the whole area with DDT (gotta kill the bugs)and have just invited my next door neighbors over for dinner. This is to apologize for my accidentally crushing their Prius with my monster truck (it was pretty dark the other night and their greenpeace stickers don't reflect much) and for shooting their lhasa apso (it crawled under the fence last night and I nailed it with my AK47- after having my 4 old-fashioneds it looked like a big rat to me) and ruining their fence with the overspray. After dinner we have Glenn Beck on the TIVO.

It's my small way of saying "Welcome to the neighborhood."

[investdoc]

Hello, my name is John Galt. Today, my colleagues, Howard Rourke and Dagny Taggart, and I are announcing that we are ceasing all of our prior activities in the areas of manufacturing, property development, and transportation.

[David Ferguson]

Proposed new motto for the Republican Party after the Tea Party cleans shop: "Pax Americana through superior firepower."

[Dave the Swell]

I have gotsome good, qualifying credentials, but I am just going to cut to the chase: I want all those vacations.

[Jeff H.]

I just returned from a long journey through the great state of Wisconsin with my Emerald Ash Borer Beetle riding shotgun. He was looking for a suitable mate and a train running from Madison to Milwaukee.

[Illinois Nazi]

White men! White women! The swastika is calling you. The sacred and ancient symbol of your race, since the beginning of time. The Jew is using The Black as muscle against you. And you are left there helpless. Well, what are you going to do about it, Whitey? Just sit there? Of course not! You are going to join with us. The members of the American Socialist White Peoples' Party. An organization of decent, law abiding white folk. Just like you!

[Beauregard Lumpkin]

I ain't shore what y'all mean by an aud-dish-son, 'cuz I ain't vurry edumucated. But I'll tell y'all this, I'm probably not yur man. Why, I ain't never done nothin' scary 'tall. I just go to mah church ever Sunny, and afterwards me an Skeeter go out back and shoot us some squirrels. Meat's kinda stringy, but still tastes right good. Plus I git ta stitch a few of em together an make mah best girl Lurlene a purty fur coat.

Other'n that the only extra-circular activity I engage in is my Saturday night club meetin. I aint shore what the club's all about, I just go cuz my cousin Cleetus asked me to go along. I think it's got somethin' to do with Halloween, cause ever-one dresses up as ghosts and visits the colored-folks houses. Kinda nice that they go out'er their way to make them feel at home, what with the whole slavery thing an' all.

I don't know nuthin 'bout politics, but I hafta admit, I liked that Baptist preacher guy from Arkansas.

Plus, I'm as green as they come. I aint got no solar panels or fancy 'lectric car, but I haven't removed the cat-licked converter from any of my cars, even the ones settin out in the front yard. Ahm also vurry against throwing things inna landfill. Fer instance, I just bury mah old car batteries in the back yard, and ah properly displose of old appliances in the ditch along route 39.

Even though I aint too learned, and Lurlene says ahm dumber than a box of rocks, I still keep up on current events by watchin that-there Fox News ever night. I really like that tall guy what yelled at that queer congress-guy. Somethin bout his aunt Fannie and uncle Freddy spending too much money er somethin like that. Plus they sometimes got that skinny blond chick what no-one seems to like. Lurlene got mad at me cuz once ah screamed out "Oh Ann, take me to rapture!" during our marital relations.

Not only that, like all good demcrats ah love my country, and strongly support all military personnel. Ah even
support 'em enough that I vote fur guys what promise to give'em more money.

So ah am clearly not the one who you seek. Ah reckon I can keep mah eyes open for someone who is more suitable, though. Maybe that Republican dude in Illinois what tried to sell his Senate seat.

[Harold Bernschweitzer]

Vilifiable Candidate: Harold Bernschweitzer

Species: Homebrewerus reloaderi

Occupation: Government Benefits Leech

Hobbies: None

Qualifying Characteristics:
1. Repairs house with wood from fallen trees on private property (no additional taxes paid)
2. Brews own beer from untaxed barley and hops grown on property at no additional taxation.
3. Like my friends who have invested in precious metals in this current economic situation, I also have invested in a precious metal..lead.
4. I'm the worst of worst right wing villains and deserve the worst of tongue (and other) lashings from the likes of media Blabbing-babes like Norah Odonell and whatsername Katrina Vanedervulva or whatever.

Faithfully submitted,

the aformentioned.

[Jeff Campbell]

Ich bin die Nadel. I serve the cause deep underground in Hyde Park. By day I masquerade as a decent human being raising two kids and "working" for a living as an academic. By night, I radio the secret progressive fears to my handlers in Alaska.

[sTevo]

I met Jesus at McDonald's last night. He said it was OK if I wanted to burn a Koran and vote independent.

[kathysaysso]

I smoke. And I buy my cigarettes on the black market to screw the state out of its Danegeld. I carry my own salt shaker. I use lots of gasoline. I aspire to be rich. I refuse to recycle. My dogs aren't licensed and the IRS is looking for me. I slap anti-Obama stickers up in every rest room I've been in. I openly declare my conservatism. I do all this (and more more more) in the very nucleus of the liberal cancer cell - the San Francisco Bay Area. I'm the one you've been waiting for.

[Bill D. Cat]

I forced Raoul and Fidel to speak publicly of the error of their ways .

[davis,br]

Two words: Knight. Templar.

And. The Masonic ring is a ruse. ...there's nothing else I'm even *allowed* to say about it.

...and I've never, ever watched National Treasure. I don't know even know who Nicolas Cage *is*.

[Bromhead]

I would like to apply for the position of Right Wing Villian d'jour:

Poise: I have the icy reserve of a ruthless WASP capitalist, combined with the relaxed unconcernedness of a British aristorcrat, also combined with the slight southern accent. I also practice haughty looks in the mirror twice a week.
Posture: Ramrod straight. Good posture is of course a sign of facist-patriarchal-racist-hompo/islamo-phobic elitism.
Perkiness: I have the perkiness of a pirhana that smells blood in the water.
Provokes Progressive Apoplexy: I tend to say things such as, "Tamerlane showed we could combine public works with counterinsurgency" or "Of course we had positive ID to engage, they had beards!". I have also suggested ending illegal immigration by repealing the minimum wage and hiring Pinekrtons to deal with the AFL-CIO.

I did not actually have to make any of this up.

I can also work as a henchman if their is a dental plan and 410k.

[C. Contest]

I made plenty of these tuna-free dolphin sandwiches, Dave, hand me another wil ya? Help yourself too.

[Rusty Pang]

I am one of the Capitalist Cripple's non-unionized minions.

[Jeremy Hatzell]

Glad you like my work, AbeCdan, but let's be careful about throwing the C word around. After all, there's a fine line between villain and demon-spawn.

I see that my minions have arrived. Excellant...

[Derek]

I am one of the Capitalist Cripple's non-unionized minions.

[Leegion]

"I am one of the Capitalist Cripple's non-unionized minions."

[Neil M]

I'm your man.. whether I am water skiing with supermodels in the oil- slicked gulf, or skeet-shooting CFL bulbs at the nature preserve with Dick Cheney-- or even when BBQing baby harp seals in my own backyard- using my Koran-burning Weber grille. I like to register new Republican voters and hand out NRA memberships at the local crisis pregnancy center. What is more patriotic than shooting red, white and blue paintballs at the 'undocumented workers' as they cross the border-- and my new night 'scope works just fantastic!

[John W.]

My qualifications to become America's Next Top Media Scare Figure:

1. I am white, German-Irish, male, traditional Catholic, father, grandfather and a veteran. The only way the Left could hate me more is if I were dead.

2. I believe gun control means putting 5 rounds into a 3 inch group at 500 yards.

3. I believe the only time it’s appropriate to burn a Koran is when you can’t find a copy of Das Kapital.

4. I favor retroactive abortions for abortionists.

5. I think Justice Breyer should shut up, since his language supporting restrictions to free speech might incite me to violence.

6. I believe in confiscatory taxation on Democrats and other Leftists. The proceeds would be used to fund remedial education for the victims of the progressive educational system.

7. I would, after number 6, exile Democrats and other Leftists to a tropical island. Naked. With no tools. After they build their own version of a modern industrial society, we’ll talk.

8. I support gay marriage, providing the ceremony is held in Iran.

9. I expect President Palin and Vice President Demint to pull the US out of the UN. We can turn the UN building into an office annex for the Department of Defense.

10. … which I want to return to its original name, the War Department.

11. I want everyone involved in creating and perpetuating the Global Warming hoax prosecuted for fraud. Consider this part of points 6 and 7.

12. I believe if there are any Taliban or Al Queda to negotiate with, we haven’t used enough firepower.

13. I believe we should apologize to the Moslem world for the Crusades when they apologize to Civilization for the 400 years leading up to the Crusades.

Is this enough?

[ZombieZoomie]

•I'm from the redest of the red states, Oklahoma
•I'm a veteran (honorably discharged)
•I believe not only in preemptive strikes, but the use of neutron bombs in them (so we can more easily loot the area and rape the land after destroying our enemies.)
•I'm a lapsed Catholic (the worst kind)
•I brew my own beer, in flagrant disregard of Oklahoma state law.

[khazar]

As a Hispanic small business owner, I have made it my goal to never hire the union worker. I use lead-based metal in my work. When my 1978 Firebird needed to be reupholstered, I paid starving children 35 cents a day to cover the seats in polar bear fur. I prefer Van Halen to Barbra Streisand, Charlton Heston to George Clooney, and Alice Cooper to just about everybody. I want the WTC rebuilt into the tallest buildings in the world. For a memorial to 9/11 I want an eternal flame fueled by bacon-grease soaked Korans. I believe our borders should be patrolled by young people anxious to practice their hunting skills, whether from the ground or the air. I fully support a woman's right to choose, just as long as she chooses to sleep with me. I believe the best way to dispose of our dangerous nuclear stockpile is to create specialized glass in the Middle East. We must return humans to space, starting by sending Nancy Pelosi, Barack Obama, and Keith Olberman in an experimental long-term duration exposure platform. Finally, not only do I leave the AC on, I also use incandescent bulbs, don't sort the recycling, and throw my trash in the green waste bin. And I'm Catholic. What more could you possibly want?

[sick of liBS]

I am...

...A racist bigot because I disagree with the president.

...Deaf because I never heard the N-word shouted once, let alone 15 times.

...Hateful because I believe offering the unemployed jobs has more dignity than offering them an unending stream of unemployment checks.

...A Homophobe because I believe the sanctity of a marriage is exclusive to a man and woman.

...A Xenophobe because I believe people who enter this country illegally are, well, illegal.

...An Islamaphope because I've drawn this crazy 99% correlation with hijackings, terrorism, bombings, mass shootings, beheadings, stonings....and one religion in particular.

...Astro-turf because I believe in a government that should be accountable to its people, not the converse.

...Fairly certain that I've never been called as many names in my entire life as I have been in last two years.

...A conservative that is looking forward to voting this November!

[Dick Stanley]

Almost forgot. I favor the mosque near Ground Zero, but only if it is required to fly a giant Confederate battle flag from its roof.

Can you beat that for Right Wing villainy? I think not.

[Joe Mudd]

I went ballistic on a state inspector yesterday when he burst onto my job-site and demanded to see my crane operators license to which I replied I don't need one, I bought this crane 16 years ago because it's small enough that I don't have to have one and he responded that the law was about to change and I needed to comply.
He then handed me a bundle of fliers about crane safety
and joining the crane op union and where to send my new
fee's and dues and such when I noticed that the BUSINESS that collects and administers all this crap is a non-profit org with no tie to the Govt. at all. When I pointed this out he changed the subject and would only talk about how desolate the construction business is now days, and he was lucky to have this new job with the state.
I asked when does the new law come into effect? he said as soon as they vote on it, to which I replied
if it isn't law yet why are you out here messing with us and what if the vote doesn't pass? Oh it will he said and then I started in with the intrusive Govt speech and taking our country back and he decided he'd spent long enough in this spot and drove off.
Ruined my day.

[LKBryce]

I am one of the Capitalist Cripple's non-unionized minions.

[Mr. J. Ingvar Odegaard]

Burn? ........Really. ........I deleted the KORAN.

[AbeCdan]

Enjoyed the youtube links Jeremy! If you ever decide to roll for Congress you have my support and checking account.

[Manion]

I am one of the Capitalist Cripple's non-unionized minions.

[Lindsey]

I am one of the Capitalist Cripple's non-unionized minions.

[Gs2c]

I am one of the Capitalist Cripple's non-unionized minions.

[Samcarstensen]

I am one of the Capitalist Cripple's non-unionized minions.

[Jeremy Hatzell]

Let me ask a simple question. What defense do they have against a cripple with a MacBook? That's right, none at all. My sarcasm, ironic t-shirts, wheelchair parking placard, and huge crush on Sara Bareilles leave them completely unprepared for the fact that I hate the ADA and read Milton Friedman for fun. However, no villan is truly complete without minions. To that end, I will present my non-unionized army as proof of my power. Also be aware that my aforementioned wheelchair parking placard is available for all Iowahawk/Capitalist Cripple covert missions and beer runs. Finally, I present my YouTube channel as further evidence of my nefarious ways.

http://www.youtube.com/capitalistcripple

[CJ]

I reed the bible to my home skooled chillins 'cuz I beleeve in the Word, not the Won.

If y'all vote for mee, I promous to fulfill evry libberal villin fantasy.

[LTC John]

•Poise (I've kept it under fire - I am a part-time killbot for the Army National Guard)
•Posture (I do not slouch like a hippy or spineless RINO, I know how to stand at attention)
•Perkiness (hmmm, not much for Katie Couric type perkiness, but I can get quite enthusiastic at times)
•Provokes Progressive Apoplexy (White male, Big Ten education, Methodist, National Guard officer who was in on the Surge and A'stan before that, works for a multinational corporation - a Swiss Insurance Behemoth - on the civilian side, married - to a woman, and has children)

I am your Capitalist, Christianist, Non-diverse, Patriarchal Killbot

[nike shox onine]

Sweet are the uses of adversity.(William Shakspeare,British Playwriter)

[nike shox onine]

Sweet are the uses of adversity.(William Shakspeare,British Playwriter)

[California Dream'in]

Pick me!Pick me!
I'm an elitist, heightist, weightist, classist, racist, fascist, sexist, ageist, afro-homo-gyno-islamophopic, mysoginist, euro centric, white-male, chauvinist pig..I would be honored to be America's Next Top Media Scare Figure and would honored to receive your vote.

[Mark flbbn S.]

I'd really, really like to participate, but I'm afraid I just don't qualify. I've paid my taxes, I work a boring, normal everyday office job five days a week. I spend my free time doing dull stuff like chores, paying bills, and working on my side business. I don't really do anything illegal beyond maybe speeding - though I did once get arrested for defending myself (misdemeanor charges that were later dropped). I don't steal. I support the constitution and respect those who have fought to defend it. And finally, I've never even watched a reality show. So, my heart's in it, but I just don't think I have the right bullets on my resume. So, God bless the USA and let whomever is best qualified win this contest.

[Mr. Blue]

By the way, I'm going to have to call shenanigans on Ccwbass McSockpuppet- if that is their real name. I think that someone already hated and vilified by the Left is trying to up their visibility.

So, nice try Trig Palin, but you're not fooling anyone!

[Cod Liver]

I humbly submit my application to be the next Right Wing villain.

My favorite food is Spotted Owl on a toasted piece of white bread with a side of freshly clubbed seal pup. I drive a 1969 4-door Ford Galaxy 500 (390 4 brl w/ Highway Patrol Interceptor). Even though I was too young to vote for Reagan in 1976 I did canvass our neighborhood for him during the GOP primary and did vote for him in 1980.

A woman's place is in the kitchen barefoot and pregnant while putting another log on the fire. I shoot first and ask questions later at anyone who mentions the word diversity.

Minarets make good Hellfire targets and the Middle East would look better if it was a glass parking lot.

I purposely mix up the organic and non-organic fruit and vegetables at the grocery store.

I believe Western Civilization, Capitalism and Democracy are superior to any other system or culture on the planet. I love my God, Family, Country, and State. B

The BCS system is a joke and isn't any better than "rage boy" picking the top football teams. Have a real play off or get lost....

er... where was I ?? Oh right, and another thing I detest Pina Coladas and arugula.

[Daddy Warbucks]

1. I work for a "Too-Big-To-Fail" Wall Street corporation.

2. My compensation is dependent on my performance.

3. That financial melt-down thingy...... that was me.

4. Sorry.

[Applicant 13]

I'm the one we've been waiting for. Self employed Palin supporter & Hospers Libertarian, which means I'm one of the 11 left in the party who like having national defense. But I won't divulge my party & we'll let them call me a right wing neocon for a while and uncover my scandalous misrepresentation later. Then we'll leak my ounce a week partaking of the devils weed, then I'll introduce my wife of 20 years who I never married (that should be easy to expose) and my 3 grown kids, two that are pregnant out of wedlock.

No police record, but was fired once for painting my car on company time, and have at least two mortal enemies from the plant which can be interviewed by the NYT.

Oh, lets see, I live in a high tax state but falsley claim to live at my parents place in TN to avoid state income tax.

I have publicly called for the bombing of Mecca, and will continue to do so.

If considered for the role on the small number of examples shown I can promise thats just the tip of the scandal iceberg.

[Dick Stanley]

I always ask for plastic instead of paper. And when some nitwit cashier dares to lift an eyebrow, I say I enjoy polluting the planet and handing a stiff one to Al Gore. In short, I'm ready!

[Lutkelaw]

I'm a lawyer.
I've read the Constitution and I like it as it is except for the following amendments: 17th, 19th, 23rd, 24th, & 26th.
I have several old aeresol cans filled with CFCs and I spray one can into the air each morning.
I don't recycle.
I blast my AC all year long.
I have a 1937 GE refrigerator that still runs where I keep my beer.
I own guns that are not registered with any law enforcment agency.
I smoke expensive tobacco wrapped in pages of the koran.
I would bring back regular leaded gas.
I wrap everything in bacon before I eat it.
My favorite liberal is Dick Cheney.
I believe we should bring back the requirement that one should own property before being allowed to vote.
I am opposed to putting troops on the border when we have unmanned drones that are much more effective.
I would rebuild the WTC Towers so that they are the highest buildings in the world and would put SAM batteries and statues of General Pershing and Charles Martel on the top.

[Mr. Blue]

Firstly, I'm an agent of Western Religious Imperialistic Hegemony (i.e. a missionary)working in a developing nation.

In that vein I'm also hard at work Provoking the Indigenous Population to Envy my Western Lifestyle (mainly by driving a vintage '78 Suzuki GS 425 motorcycle), thus Inciting the People Towards a Capitalistic Mindset.

Not only do I vote absentee for Republicans, I incite other American Expats to do the same.

Finally, I have worked as a mechanic- Unlicensed, Non-Union, and Non-Profit, restoring to life Eeeevil Motor Vehicles that are choking Mother Gaia with Diabolical CO2.

[Detroyes]

I shoot guns. And I like it.

I read history, so that I may not be doomed to repeat it. I'll take Locke and Smith over Marx and Engels any day. I read the Federalist Papers every election year.

I believe terrorists should be gathered at Gitmo, not Ground Zero.

My economists are Frederik Hayak and Milton Friedman. The best statesman in my lifetime were Ronald Reagen and Margaret Thatcher.

I believe that OJ was guilty, and that Mumia should fry.

I drive an SUV. I use non-florescent light bulbs. I refuse to buy gas at Citgo.

I think for myself, and don't want the government thinking for me. Or doing anything else that I can do myself, for that matter.

And most frightening of all to liberals... I vote.

[CoyoteBlue]

GOLDSTIEN!!!

Just getting into practice for the two-minute-hate sessions. They are better than exercise and sooooo cathartic.

[Sarah]

I'm a big ol' country girl who's been in the military; eats pork; loves bacon; shoots guns; tried chewing tobacco a couple of times; smokes cigarettes; drives a pickup; Tea Parties; and has worked in a factory before. I vote conservative; have read the entire U.S. Constitution with amendments; and couldn't tell you if arugula is an animal, vegetable, or mineral.

I'm well read, college educated, can think for myself, and don't believe the mainstream media. Jesus, Rush (the band and the radio-show host) and Jeff Foxworthy are awesome.

Yep - I'm a warmonger, an environmental threat, a right-wing terrorist, and an all-around threat to this country. You'd better send the feds to lock me up before the next Tea Party.

[Joe Redfield]

I have conned thousands of Progos into burning Korans by wrapping them in American flags first, I hand out cigarettes and .45 ammo for Trick or Treat, I'm past President of the Take the Vote From Women League, and I'm co-chair of the Cook County Confederation to Re-introduce Chattel Slavery. And, in the 2008 Presidential Election I voted for Iowahawk 193 times.

[Michael]

Is there going to be a prize?

You did not mention what the prize will be.

[baldilocks]

Conservative
Female
Love Jesus
Love men
Love troops
Love guns
Love pork
Love wine
Love dogs
and...

Half-Kenyan

What more does a good conservative villain need?

[john "fuggin'" wayne]

That's right pilgrim, i'm back and mad as hell! Whos bright idea was it to put the Feds in charge? This country was founded on rugged individualism and the colt .45 and that was good enough for our forefathers so it should be good enough for you!

Enough with the Tea Party pansies trying to "debate" state rights. We need to buck up as a nation and be responsible for the idiots we let run our government! Get of your couches America! That is all!

~The Duke

[ccwbass McSockpuppet]

*ahem*

Like, I was hanging out with Megan McCain one day and, we were lamenting the like total apparent absence of any Asian people in our immediate surroundings, when, all of a, sudden, we saw a family of slanty-eyed people that we could obviously tell were Asian and we were, like, yeah!

We immediately decided to let them know how much we loved them and to give them a taste of what Big Tent Republicanosity is like, so we throttled the family's dog and had a barbecue, and when the neighbors complained Megan was all "we don't put limits on what people can eat in My America, Treacher, and stop looking at my breasts!" because honestly it's like these days she thinks everyone is making fun of her gazongas or something, and then, she was like OMG this is how I can finally get taken seriously because the assholes in my dad's party will just be happy I'm finally getting them some Asian voters and the Democrats won't be able to actually come out and condemn a practice most Americans find reprehensible!

And so that's why Me and Megan McCain can't see a dog these days without thinking of dinner and slobbering and then feeling all ironic as we tell each other jokes about how Chekhov or whoever trained that dog with what I think was a gong.

I'm sorry if we ate your dog, but we did it because we need to save the Republicans from themselves. Or something.

Thank you.

[IdahoPotato]

I was born, raised and still live in Idaho. Enough said.

[Eeknight]

If I become America’s Next Right Wing Villain Idol, I promise to do it right. I’ll establish an extensive underground volcanic island lair, sort of Le Corbusier meets Frank Lloyd Wright, no part of which shall be smoke-free. Built by Halliburton, natch. I’ll see about getting licensing for Hef’s old Playboy club outfits for the cigarette and cocktail servers. Once installed in my island lair, I’ll gather a team of renegade climate scientists, nuclear power plant engineers, oil executives, Austrian-school economists, gun enthusiasts, and disgruntled New York Saucier Chefs.

My paramilitary Right Wing Armed Horde will be trained to use assault rifles with extra-capacity magazines, folding stocks, and flash suppressors, as well as combat driving heavy-chassis supercharged SUVs (you need a lot of power to haul the minibars, German Shepherds, and spare Barrett sniper rifles on the gunracks). I’m thinking the uniform will be one-button khaki dusters and slouch hats over Kevlar tactical vests, but I’m not married to the concept. Once trained, my Right Wing Armed Horde and their schutzhunds will provide assistance with border security (warning shots will be encouraged) and wolf culling from helicopters.

If chosen as America’s Next Right Wing Villain Idol, I promise to only hold press conferences on offshore oil rigs and never be seen without a pipe in my mouth and an open-carry holster.

[Guy Land]

I would like to audition for the role of "Jeff the Plumber"

[BerylWrites]

Is this thing on? *Ahem*

* I am a Republican.
* I registered as Republican at 18 in 1970.
* My first presidential vote was for Nixon.
* Given the choice available, I'd vote for Nixon again.
* I have sired two filthy human babies.
* They are both Republicans.

I just wanna say that I appreciate this chance to expand the number of people hating me from the small circle of my immediate family and neighbors to the length and breadth of this great country. I'll do my best to really bring the hate!

[Pepper]

I don't bother anybody and just want to be left alone to live a free life within the bounds of laws predating 2010.

[Free_pioneer]

Quit acting like a bunch of fags.

[Fester]

What I stand for….

• A strong military. (Warmonger!!!!)
• Pre-emptive military strikes. (Warmonger without nuance!!!)
• Low taxes. (Favors the rich and making money!!!)
• Small Government. (Wingnut job!!!)
• States Rights. (Wacko!!!)
• Marriage is defined as being between a man and a woman. (Bigot, homophobe!!!)
• Secure boarders and a sane immigration policy. (UnAmerican!!!)
• Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. (Wwwhhhaaaatttt???)

That is all.

[D Anderson]

I come from a blue state and a town that has been run by unions for generations. Everyone in town hates me. And I LIKE it that way.

[Atomic Roach]

First, let's all agree that the single slasher thing is now straight to video. The concept is more played out than a Madonna wanna-be in a meat bikini. It's time to think outside the beltway. And what scares a majority leader more than flying commercial? Two words: Zombie Tea Party Voters. Hordes of flyover Americans so ripe you can smell 'em when they tour Washington. Screaming scary words like "God" and "Freedom" while they slowly converge on the Capital like some scene from a forgotten Fritz Lang flick. Gorging on progressives and RINOs like they were wagyu meatloaf at a Vegas buffet.
Hey, it's more than a single feature. It's gonna be a franchise that will make Batman and James Bond look like they got gerrymandered outta their first term! It's gold, I tell ya, pure gold!

[Texas Dave]

I think it is time for conservatives to really push in the Gay Marriage battle. Before some liberal judge trumps the constitution, we need to make a major leap and force the issue. We should not only support Gay Marriage but demand that all gays be married by a certain deadline, say next June 30th! The right needs to say loudly 'we do not care what you want to do in the bedroom as long as you are married and you had better be registered at Wal-mart or Target as we are not going to Williams Sonoma to get you a napkin ring that costs the same as a complete place setting where we shop.'

The immediate impact on the economy will be terrific especially for florists, tux rentals, and mobile DJs. True, for the next nine months average Americans will suffer by not being able to book interior designers and Rosie O'Donnell will not be able to provide her opinions due to previous commitments to attend bridal showers. But the Gay Rights activists will now have to have chant "We're here! We're Queer. And we would like to sit on the groom side."

[westsoundmodern]

As Autumn approaches, the chill in the air has reminded me that it's time for my favorite fall sport; the clubbing of the local sea lion pup population to be made into feed meal for my pack of semi feral dogs. Normally I would just shoot the cute little critters from my beach chair or perhaps toss a grenade into the frolicing herd but my naturopath told me I needed some outdoor physical activity to counteract my four pack a day Pall Mall habit. The bloody hides are really of no use to me as I find the synthetic furs produced with petroleum products to have better insulating qualities so if you're interested, I've got them tanning on the banks of a nearby salmon bearing stream. Good thing the wind is blowing towards the neighbors house today as those things really smell!

Whoops! Speaking of smell, it looks like the unpermitted septic tank that I installed in the wetland last year is starting to back up again. I'd better get out there with the excavator and stir things up a little. Once the rains start I'll want that pungent porridge running down stream. Not to worry! The wetland drains into a small lake where the fish seem to thrive on the nutrient rich sludge. That reminds me, I haven't gone dynamite fishing in awhile. There's no limit and the flesh tastes fine, if a bit "gamey".

[Betsy Gaines]

SWING STATE ZOMBIE MOM

Having successfully reproduced--my adult zombie children join me in the familiar lurching gait so dreaded by progressives,as we stagger, shuffle, lumber and even crawl through broken glass to get to the polls, chanting in deadly monotone on our quest for "Brains! Brains!" We even strike fear into the heart of the GOP by adding "Spines! Balls!"

[Sidney]

President Barack Obama has demonstrated to the world the cost of affirmative action policies. Had he been judged on the quality of his work as editor of Harvard Law Review, State Senator, or U.S. Senator, his intrinsic averageness would have been revealed well before his Inaugural Address. The unwanted child about which pro-abortion agitators always talk, he was discarded by his foreign black father and his flaky white mother to be raised in Hawaii, which is the least normal state in the Union. He found domestic terrorist Bill Ayers in New York and discovered an outlet for his toxic combination of anger and narcissism. 20 years of worshipping Jeremiah Wright finished the job and gave the U.S. a President who needs counseling and treatment, not another term.

[Matthew]

Shoot, I forgot! I'm also overweight, so I'm able to be the subject of endless fat jokes by the party who lay claim to sensitivity and compassion!

[Barry O'Bama]

I support both rendition and the Guantanamo Terrorist Prison. I am a big fan of using drone attacks AND targeted killings. Though I pay lip service to various environmental issues my carbon footprint is actually HUGE. I pander endlessly to the "little people" and populist causes but I am for more comfortable on the golf course, at the Vineyard or at swanky black tie dinners and gala ceremonies. Though I preach the virtues of hard work and sacrifice I spend a A LOT of time on vacation and have never sacrificed a single thing in my life. I am tanned, rested and ready to become the next progressive punching bag for 2010.

[Matthew]

I think I would make a great America's Next Wingnut!

First off, I am a straight, white male. But that's not all!

I'm also a Republican (pisses off liberals), a Freemason (pisses off Muslims), and a Zionist Jew (pisses off Liberals AND Muslims)!!!