Won't You Please Sign This Completely Innocuous Birthday Card To My Mother, America?

Dear Patriotic American Iowahawk Reader:

Every year our family tries to come up with a wacky, fun, and arguably legal way to wish my mom a happy birthday. And this August 4 -- when good ol' Mom turns 72 years young -- I have something really super special in mind!

As you might know this has been a big (and hectic!) year for Mom. There was that trip to Phoenix with Dad to see Chuck and Joyce at their new condo, winning that $250 video poker jackpot at the riverboat casino, her various arrests on trumped-up charges of mail fraud, money laundering and methamphetamine distribution, and the big family Thanksgiving dinner we had after we posted bail. I think it’s safe to say we will remember it for a long time. Just as you should remember that "nolo contendre" is not a legal admission of guilt.

And I know full well how much she credits you, the hard-working Iowahawk reader, for providing the generous legal defense and liquor funds that made our Burge family holidays so special.

So I’m putting together a birthday card that I would like you to sign. Right here in the open comments. Together with other Iowahawk readers — and me, Tammi Jo, Tiffani, and Dakota — let’s wish Mom a happy birthday and let her know that we’re ready to take on the year ahead alongside her.

And while you're at it, why not share a few personal facts about yourself along with your note? Email address, home address, the hours when you're at work, maybe even a credit card number or two. Don't forget the expiration date and three-digit security number! Because those are exactly the kind of details that will help personalize your greetings and make this birthday Mom's best ever.

Will you wish Mom a happy birthday with me?

Okay, I see by my Cyclops NetHarvester 4.0 visitor log that several of you have decided to ignore on my heartfelt request, apparently preferring to break an elderly woman's heart than to take a few seconds to share a simple innocuous birthday greeting and bank routing number. I don't like naming names, but I'm talking to you, Mister IP 67.181.6.32. Do you treat your own mother with the same callous indifference? I should hope not. So let's all try that again. 

Will you please wish my sainted elderly Irish mother a happy birthday?

Yeesh. What the hell is wrong with you people? I ask a simple request. "Happy B-day to you, Beverly! Love, AMEX #3988xxxxxxxxx, exp date 08/12." 20 seconds tops, only 23% of your 87.8 seconds average pageview linger time. 20 seconds, and then you're free to go click through to your other favorite outbound sites like Ace of Spades or FilipinaMidgetWrestling.com. So what's the freaking problem?

Oh, I get it. It's Mom's "arrest record." Yes, this year also brought Mom a lot of surprises, some good and some bad. But I shouldn't have to remind you that you can't always trust what you see in the newspapers or on America's Deadliest Car Chases. What the media won't tell you about is the emerging evidence that Mom's so-called "confessions" were coerced, and that the "stolen" car in question had a defective throttle. I am confident this evidence -- soon to be presented in Iowa Court of Criminal Appeals and in a class action suit against Toyota -- will fully exonerate her. But don't take my word for it -- look at this photograph. Now I ask you, does this shy unassuming Iowa farm wife look like a woman with criminal tendencies?

Now that you have the facts, I know that you. will. wish. my. mom. a. happy. birthday.

Not only will you enjoy the warm feeling of doing your part to brighten her day, you will also soon be enjoying exclusive email offers from some of Eastern Europe's finest internet marketing organizations.

So what are you waiting for? I'll give you a few more minutes to add your own message and biometric information for this wonderful, loving, family-oriented woman I call "Mom." After that, I think your employers at IP 67.181.6.32 (Tri-State Building Supply in La Crosse, Wisconsin, no?) might be interested in knowing how much company time you waste reading foul-mouthed extremist blogs.

Thanks So Much,

Dave

Comments

[entertainer]

All what is mentioned here is interesting and amusing.

[Eric]

Happy b-day, Iowa's mom!

[Dr Alice]

Dear Mrs. Burge:

Sorry to pile in so incredibly late, but I hope you had a fantastic birthday. Your son is a great guy and he knows a thing or two about cars, too.

[sTevo]

We all know and adore Jesus' mom and now we get know a little of Iowahawk's mom who is adorable. Happy Birthday Dave's mom.

[Yojimbo the Greek]

Wow happy birthday Mom Iowahawk, you should be proud of your scion, he provides quality entertainment for the masses at reasonable prices. I know you would feel better if he got a real job but for now just rest easy knowing that he lightens the day for an awful lot of us drunks and degenerates.

[ptatp]

Yeah http://kaqy11.com/index.php/member/10072/ my wife speaks publicly of her own rape and i can t take it capable http://kaqy11.com/index.php/member/10073/ gang rape defination kseni http://kaqy11.com/index.php/member/10074/ rape porn sites alinuta

[Kim]

Happy belated birthday Mrs. Burge. I hope you spoke to your jailers about the poor quality of the bologna sandwiches and weak koolaid in the clink.
Your son is very funny and you should be proud you birthed him. Which makes you a birther, I guess. Bonne anniversaire.

[Will B. Donne]

Happy, Happy, Birthday Baby! Your offspring is a couple of beers short of a six pack.

[Render]

Render's mom says he better say happy birthday to Iowahawk's mom.

HAPPY
BIRTHDAY
MOM!,
R

[Rocketman]

Yo ... Ya still got Mom's car?
What? She traded it in for a defective new Toyoter?
Well, at least you can write a nifty song about dogs, pickup trucks, trains 'n stuff when yer Ma gets outa prison.
Might even be the best song ever ... A BIG seller!
Now that's a Happy Birthday indeed!

~(Ä)~

[No One You Know]

Happy Birthday Dave Burge's Mom. On this most auspicious occasion, I would like to pass on some advice my father gave to me.
1. Never date a woman with gold teeth
2. Never play pool with someone named after a city.

I've tried to live my life according to those little bits of wisdom, and today I spend my spare time reading blogs authored by people such as your son, so "grain of salt" and all that.....

[Dick Stanley]

Why, yes, yes, yes. I'd do it for that pert hair perm alone. And the sly wink. But what's with the stacked corn?

[Bernadette Flores]

Happy birthday David's mother. Thank you for giving us David. How many times did you drop him on his head?

[Eli K.]

Happy Birthday

[Sidney]

Happy Birthday, Mother-of-Iowahawk!

I would send you my AMEX info but the gummint already took it. They ran up such a tab at the UAW Motors Retirement Lodge Bar, I had to take out a second mortgage offered by Dodd-Frank Bank of Fire Island to pay it.

I'm sending the other August 4th birthay boy a message, too. It is either the Bill Withers classic "Lein on Me" or the Harry Nilsson "You're Breaking My Heart."

[hanzie]

Happy Birthday!

You have my permission to be extremely proud of your son, who uses humor to convince people to do the right thing, day in and day out. It's very rare to find someone with such a gift who is willing to put in the hard work to make something of it.

Thank you very much for the way you raised him.

hanzie.

[Aussie]

how do I know that it really is HER birthday? Does she behave like a real Leo? Not with that kind of rap record.....

My birthday is August 1 so you can wish me a happy birthday instead :)

[Dick E]

Dear Mrs. Burge,

A very happy birthday to you!

As a token of my esteem, I would be pleased to advance you some bail money for your next brush with the law. Just send me your bank routing number and account number, and you’ll have the money lickety-split.

Best regards.

[Texlovera]

Dear Mrs. Burge:

Happy Birthday to you. Any woman who had to raise a son like Iowahawk deserves a credit card.

My brother's in in the mail...

[Bob_R]

Happy Birthday! I hope you have a son skillful enough to slip you a shiv shape enough to hold some of the biker chicks who might be attracted to that fine form. I'm pretty confident.

[Old Codger]

Sorry, got distracted. Happy Birthday young lady.

But I really hate those overused banal phrases.

[Old Codger]

"Just saying" and "or something" should be banned from the internet.

[DaneilS]

Happy Birthday Mrs. Hawk,

Greetings to you in the name of the Lord,I am unable to send you the information requested, but I do have a house I could let you rent at a reasonable rate.

I am here to tell you that if you are willing to rent the house, then it will be the best house you have ever lived in, because i am no more living in the house anymore. Due to my Work as a Evangelist, I traveled on a mission to West Africa for a programmed called the Go West Africa Programmed, which you can visit on www.gowestafrica.org. ..... And i have decided to relocate to Arizona as soon as i am back to state.

Here is the address of the house:
Address: 39 Charissa Run, Rochester NY 14623
Monthly rent: $900
Security Deposit :600
Application fee:$0.00
So i need someone very honest and kind to rent my home. I am really willing to rent this home out because i wont be staying there anymore,so you can have the house as long as you want. I will love you to go and view the home asap. I am sorry i am not there and i have the keys with me here in West Africa.... So i would want you to really bear with me.I am willing to rent out the house for the price of $900 plus utilities like water, heat, washer and dryer hookup,air condition, Refrigerator, internet cable, Pets are considered and available for move in Immediately...Don't be surprised when you get to the home and see a for sale sign in the home, i had the intention of selling the home but i thought about it again and decided to rent out the home to any one that can really take good care of the house.....Because it is a very beautiful home and i will always love to call it my home....So i will want you not to bother yourself about any sign you see in the home saying it is for sale and also i have inform the realtor that incharge it before to remove it but am not sure if he do that,because am no more working with him any more due to his attitued and also is not trustfull.....and i don't want you to contact them because i am now renting out my house and don't have anything with them anymore. If you are willing to see the inside, then you can peek through the windows, because i have the keys here and i hope you understand.......By peeking through the windows, you will be able to see a lot of the interior. The house will be rented out to you as long as you want because i am no longer staying there any more.
If you are really interested i will advice you to fill out the application form below,fill it out and sent back to me,so that i can attached it to my file and start the arrangement forther.

RENTAL APPLICATION FORM.
Full Name__________________________ ________________________
Home Phone ( )________________________
Date of Birth_________________________ ________
Other Phone ( )___________________
Current Address_______________________ ________Apt#________
City__________________ State______ Zip________
Reasons for Leaving_______________________ _____Rent $__________Phone
( )____________________________
Are you married_______________________ _____
How many people will be living in the house_________________________ ___
Do you have a pet___________________________ _
Do you have a car___________________________ _
Do You Drink_________________________ __
DO YOU Work Late Night__________________________ __
Occupation____________________ ________
When do you intende to view the surounding____________________ _______
Move In Date__________________________ __
When do you intended sending me the deposit_______________________ ____
When do you intended receiving the keys and document of the
house_________________________ __

Call me +2348079264118 or +2347042563999 just diat it like that.

God Bless You.

[vanderleun]

Good B-Day Hawk Mom!

We regret that your son did not fulfill his early promise in the exciting field of air-conditioning repair, but we know that this has not caused him to lose his love for you.

I am about to offer him paying work and I know that, should he accept, his moving out of the attic will be the very bestest present I can give you.

[Your Roach buddy]

It must be time for blue corn meal and fresh kilt meat, grilled, not baked into a cake. Covered in Jäger frosting and lit with Roman candles for your special day, out on bail. Careful where you bite (might find the file). Wash it down with Andre Brut while we all hoot "Heppy Birfdaze"

[Dan]

Happy Birthday Lady Hawk!! You don't look a day over 71 (although we'll see how that goes on the 5th)!!!

[Lutkelaw]

Happy B-Day Iowahawk's Mom! I would like to offer my services for your upcomimg parole hearing. For the low payment of $5000, I may be able to see to it that certain members of the board are "sympathetic" to your case.

Signed, Rod Blagojevich

[Guy T.]

Happy birthday!

[Matthew]

Happy birthday, Mrs. Iowahawk. You must be very ashamed of David.

[A. Sullivan]

A most happiest of birthday wishes, I-hawk mum. I'm afraid I'm a bit short on quid after my weekend in P-Town. (Those Brazilian male hookers weren't cheap but they were yummy! Plus, the X-tay bill got a little out of hand.) But frankly, I'm not really convinced that you actually conceived this Iowahawk fellow.

[Mike]

Happy birthday, and many happy returns! Hope the ile-fay in the ake-cay made it through the screening process. If not, we'll see you at the parole hearing, anyway.

[Steve]

Have a happy, Mrs. B!

[Lori Grubbs]

Happy birthday to the sweet one who birthed Iowahawk. May you enjoy many, many more (years, not Iowahawks)!

[Danger]

Happy b-day Mrs. I-hawk.

I've been told that you inheret two things from your kids. Senility and poverty; so make sure junior-hawk is buying the drinks. Before you forget how much he owes ya ;)

[Authorjack]

In celebration of your day, I will forward a slightly used Ginzu knife and a pocket fisherman. I need an address since the your son's PO Box is under Federal scrutiny. Remember, it's the thought that counts.

[Mumblix Grumph]

Happy birthday, ma'am. I see that the cake with a file in it arrived without incident.

[Bill Spencer]

Happy Birthday Madam! Seventy two! That's almost a hundred! (I think ...)

I will provide my credit card, etc. just as soon as someone agrees to let me have one. I do ask for them. The folks behind the desks only laugh. And laugh ...

I promise you that next year I will bake you a special cake with a very special file secreted within.

Again, Happy Birthday!

[Slightly Above Average]

Happy birthday, Hawkmom. Please find enclosed the 'good faith' money Dave requested to show I can be trusted to split the inheritance from that nice Nigerian fellow with you in an equitable manner. The password for my PayPal account is "FluFFyBunny".

[Chris from Lakeland]

Happy 42nd Anniversary of your 30th Birthday, Ms. Burge!

I'm sending you a cuddly, quilted, orange jumpsuit with nice big pockets for stashing your flask and stogies!

[David W]

Dear Mrs. Burge,
It is with a deep and honest sincerity, and more than a little Old Forester, that I write to wish you a most happy and memorable birthday. Birthdays are a time of reflection, which all-too-often leads to a time of alcoholic binge. I want you to know that this year, its ok. We understand. As the young kids say "we feel you, sister."

We too have often wondered "What might have been, had the Burges chosen the Asian kid those many years ago," or "Why did they have to teach him to read?" But the years of sacrifice, struggle, and (certainly in your case) hiding, were worth the effort. Though teaching the Iowahawk that "life doesn't run on liquor and old cars" may still be on your bucket list, he did manage to absorb enough of your principles, wisdom, and wreckless deviance to find and trap the Hawkette, which legally or not, ultimately did lead to the arrival of the Hawkspring. For that, at least, most of the world is grateful. Especially Typepad.

So on August 4th, I encourage you to stop and smell the corn. Don't dwell on "what might have been," but revel quietly and privately in your life's accomplishments. Tell those you love that you love them. Focus on the bright and wonderful moments, and the impressive and important accomplishments of your life, and do not dwell on those moments that others may have seen as failures. They do not define you.

When none of that really does it for you, get liquored up and tell all of them "they can kiss your ass" or the timeless "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out." Its your day, make it memorable.

We know you through David, and somehow, we all still love and respect you. Starting around your 3rd gin and tonic, remind him of that every 10 minutes or so.

Happy Birthday, IowaMom :)

And thanks!

[deborah]

Happy Birthday, Iowahawk's mom, and many happy returns of the day.

[Apostic]

Happy Birthday HawkMom

regards,

Apostic
VISA number... (eh, just a sec... someone walking by with a wallet about to fall out...)

[Bruce]

I wish to wish your mother a very happy birthday and to inform her that she may have won the Irish lottery, God willing, if we can just extract further details and etcetera.

With Kindest regards.

[davidt]

Happy Birthday HawkMa! That ride you're sitting in was almost as pretty as you!

[The Ancient Mariner]

Can we really trust a woman who has that much corn stashed away for making likker in the dead of winter? I think not!...Unless....she's being coerced by a close family member or a religious sect enforcement thug...

Ah, what the hey. Happy Birthday, MamaHawk! You did good with raising your youngun!

[@Harry_Bergeron]

Everyone got that, so I started using the hash tag #ObamaGifts on Twitter - kind of a gift register for our Great Leader.

First up was a deck of Race Cards, illustrated with portraits of the oppressed and some leading race-baiters.

Join the fun

[Anthony Bialy]

Happy birthday, Mrs. Hawk. Thank you for teaching me my most cherished life lesson: I do the time, I don't let the time do me.

[Serr8d]

Fantastical Happy Birthdaze, Mrs. 'Hawk, with many more coming down the Route 66 pike~!

[aelfheld]

Happy Birthday, Mrs. Burge.

Thanks for raising such a fine, upstanding young man, and best of luck with those over-zealous officials.

[westsoundmodern]

Izzat real Iowa corn in them silos LA boy? Here I thought your mid-west heritage was merely a cheap ironic ploy, like hipsters wearing trucker caps and swilling PBR.

As a gift to you on your birthday Mizz Burge,I am smoking at this moment one of my newly purchased Cuban Habanos. Maybe not as thoughtful as a card but rest assured I am thoroughly enjoying it.

[KingShamus]

Your son is teh win, Mrs. Burge.

Happy Birthday, Momma Hawk.

[William]

Happy Birthday, Mrs. Burge! My credit card's in the mail!
...that's how that works, right?

[new balance]

If a man empties his purse into his head, no man can take it away from him, an investment in knowledge alaways pays the best interest.Do you understand?

[www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1515819300]

Hey Burge! I used to know a guy named Burge and I called him Burge because I liked the way it sounded. Is it O. K. if I call you Burge, Burge?
Oh yeah, and Happy Birthday Burge's Mom.

[John Alway]

Happy Birthday to you Mrs. Burge!!! My credit card number is 123456789 Exp 3002 December. You are welcome to buy as much as anything you want with it.

I hope you have a fantastic day!

:-)

Best wishes,
...John Alway!

[SAH(and drink)Mom]

Happy Birthday, HawkMom!
In lieu of my credit card information, I pass along this video - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-jfNjdD4T1E. As a mother myself, I understand how big a milestone it is to switch that evening bottle over to PBR.

[Kcall]

Happy Birthday Mrs. Burge. I never did believe anything Dave said about you. No one could ever treat their own son that way. Glad you're out of jail this year. If you can manage to stay out of Dave's little stash for a little longer you can enjoy this birthday from the outside. Dave said it was OK to use his AmEx card to get your self a little something since he mentioned he wouldn't "be buying that &(^%&%*% a damn thing this year". So here's his credit card info. Acct #984047473287332. exp. 04/13 Code #6880
Have a wonderful day!

[Paul B CPO USCG (ret)]

Happy Birthday Mrs Burge!

How much did you drink when you were pregnant with him?

just sayin'

[USCitizen]

Happy Brthday, Iowahawk's Mom!

- from Traction Control

You've got a good son who would remember his momma's birthday like this.

[Herbert Hill]

Mrs. Burge, Happiest of birthdays to you. My own mother and you would have a great deal to discuss, it seems. She generally recommends tequila slammers.

[Joy McCann/Miss Attila]

Most of my money is kept . . . you know, out of the bank. Perhaps I could ship the money directly to Mrs. Burge in small, unmarked bills?
I'll send it to the farm via UPS, hidden in a pinata shaped like a 1960s-era Caddy convertible.
I hope that will suffice . . .

[Elizabeth]

Dang it. I fell for it. But it did make me laugh. I decided not to leave an appropriate message where indicated.

[Marty]

David is such a good boy to do this for you, Mrs. Burge. Enjoy your day!

[Joe Redfield]

Happy Birthday Mrs. Iowahawk! As a special present from me to you, pop on over to the Chicago Federal Reserve and help yourself.

Love,

Barry

[rae4palin]

LOL. Another good one from the master of satire. Thanks Mrs. Burge for raising such a gem.

btw Twitter is a happier place with @iowahawkblog in it.

[brad essex]

Happy bday mrs. burge may you enjoy the freedom of being out of jail and have a great day

[Charliemax]

That's really funny

[Sadie]

Ahh...I see that you also received MO spam.

The recipe for MO Spam insists that it remain tasteless.