I'm Tellin' Y'all It's Sabotage

Having never been famed for skills in pith and verbal parsimony, I wasn't quite sure how @iowahawkblog would be received when I enlisted in that wacky new teen internet craze Twitter last month. Imagine my surprise and delight, then, when I discovered yesterday that my tweets had earned me the distinction of a listing of people scheming to DESTROY AMERICA!!! And not just any America, mind you -- OUR America!!! Triple exclamation point PROUD LUTHERAN DEMOCRAT America!!! Eleventy!!!

While of course I was humbled by the recognition, I couldn't help thinking that I hadn't really produced the hardcore, America-destroying tweetcraft that ought be a prerequisite for such a prestigious honor; it was almost as if I had been given a Nobel Peace Prize for reading a teleprompter or something.

So I posed my moral dilemma to fellow Twitterati; how best to make myself worthy of this elite designation? Thankfully @joebwan quickly established the hashtag #destroyUSAtips as a roundtable discussion workshop for like-minded America-destroying Twitter traitors (Twaitors?). What resulted was a diabolical, multi-faceted sabotage plan for bringing OUR AMERICA to its very KNEES!

Below are some of my contributions to the plot, along with selected others cribbed from my co-conspirators (some have been altered in defiance of Twitter's fascist 140 character limit). Got subversive America-destroying schemes of your own? Visit the hashtag and tweet away - or add to the comments section which has been temporarily opened for this special occasion.

DAVE AND FRIENDS' SABOTAGE TIPS FOR DESTROYING AMERICA

• Raise $50 million from Hollywood studio for war movie; during handshake secretly switch scripts with one that makes USA the good guys
• deliberately leave tires underinflated
• Before the big mandatory school Obama tribute concert, encourage kids to sing off-key
• Buy casual dining restaurant in Florida, repeal earlybird senior discount for union / government pensioners
• Diabolically mix clear and solid color plastics in recycling
  
• Spread vicious rumor that there are, in fact, some children who really aren't all that special
• Work tirelessly to lower awareness
• When yellow, refuse to let it mellow
• Slip constipation-causing drug into drink of edgy avant garde artist, ruining his big gallery opening
• Go to Urban Outfitters, replace expensive hipster fake bum clothes with real bum clothes
• Join Journolist, keep fingers crossed when filling out secrecy pledge form
• Attend college recruiting fair in Ronald Reagan t-shirt; loudly demand "diversity discount"
• Break into NPR station; replace mournful folksong bumper music with "Wang Dang Sweet Poontang"
• At state funeral for former Klan Exalted Cyclops, put little rebel flags on hearse; say "he would have wanted it this way"
• Buy Obama t-shirt in Dollar Store cutout bin, use to wax Bentley
• Pledge $5 trillion to local PBS station under fake name; take free totebag and split
• Double park in Critical Studies faculty permit zone, causing professor to miss grant proposal deadline
• 2 words: Thermostat Roulette
• During Halloween, distribute candy high in processed sugar and trans-fats
• Secretly think arts education because you suspect there is probably way way too much arts education
  
• At airport gate, turn down volume on CNN TV
  
• When no one is looking, make non-profit organization profitable
• Hack into university computer, add Maxim to Womyn's Studies syllabus
• At school self-esteem awards, replace trophy plates to say "Last Place"
• Bring red Sharpie to teacher strike, correct spelling and grammar on picket signs
• Visit the Jimmy Carter Presidential Library; steal the book @AnthonyBialy
• Make your protest signs by hand @Amuk3
• Have little or no rage against a machine @RennaW
  
• Take the warning labels off of everything @RADykal
• Overload Guam @CatsPolitics
• Deep fried arugula @mdrache
• Invent oil spill cleanup device that only removes 99% of oil  @Amuk3

Comments

[Kelly Norman]

Download YouTube videos of children singing praises to Obama. Edit them so instead of chanting, "Barack Hussein Obama" they are chanting "Rush Limbaugh". Or "Iowahawk!

Assume black people/poor people/gay people/women can get ahead actually be productive, happy, even WEALTHY human beings....without the Democratic party's "help".

Make your own mini bumper stickers to "answer" other ones. For instance, if someone has a "Like your job? Keep buying foreign cars" put a sticker next to it saying, "Make a decent car and I won't."

Claim as much as you can to decrease your tax withholding....then pay the bill in pennies on April 15.

[unknown jane]

Go to local organic foodstore, place signs saying "They lie!" next to organic veggies display. (placing signs saying "Soylent Green is people" next to macrobiotic display is a bit too obvious and will clue them in).

Sign your 76 Ford pickup as an entrant in Earth Day celebration parade -- call it "the Gaia mobile" on the sign up, and list it as "alternative transportation".

[Suki]

Write "one carbon credit" on each bill in your Monopoly money set. Use them to pay taxes and all government fees.

[johnny]

Change "No" to "More" on "No War for Oil" bumper stickers on Volkswagen.

[EG]

Direct Inaction

[Paul]

Insist congress stop emitting CO2.

[Ms Lila]

Send "Stockroom" catalogs to whatever they call the Congressional Women's Caucus these days and make sure the mailroom guy is buff, leather-clad, and carrying a frat paddle attached to his belt.

[Roberto Gonzalez]

Trade LeBron James to Manchester United -- RT Harry_Bergeron, who was late to the partay

[lyle]

Um...mulva?

[rmd]

Buy a gun and don't shoot somebody over a fender bender.

[Authorjack]

Unionize the polar bears and bus them to Big Al's new digs for global warming clarification. Serve the Nobel prize as an appetizer

[Dave]

The next time a whale washes ashore, have your photo taken while standing atop it brandishing a large harpoon.

[Bob]

Make commercial circa Mad Men era with characters producing an ID before going into voting booth.

[Christopher Johnson]

Speak power to truth.

[JM Hanes]

Don't vote post-mortem.

[RebeccaH]

Tell Joe Biden he's looking a little shiney, and hand him a bottle of Rogaine.

Then tell him he should run for president in 2012.

[KingShamus]

Mess with Sheriff Joe Biden.

[sTevo]

Refill the rental house Gaia-friendly dish washer soap box with industrial strength detergent.

[Ed Mahmoud]

Sorry, that page doesn’t exist!

http://twitter.com/PomPrincessMomJ/destroying-our-america

Wha'ppen?

[Jeff H.]

Remove the catalytic converter from a '74 Chrysler Cordoba and drive it around Malibu.

[Kneel Armstrong]

Train astronauts to say "Take me to your imam" when encountering alien life forms.

[Jordans Sneakers]

Freedom of thought is really free. You navigate universe?

[Bill H]

Let your F350 idle overnight in front of Al Gore's house.

[Jeff H.]

FedEx a box of Pork Chops to the local Mosque. List the White House as the return address.

[Judi]

Grow up, get married, have many children, love each one of them, educate them properly, teach them what America is really about, attend religious services together, stay married through thick and thin. Die and go to heaven.
That should piss them off!

[Paul]

Offset carbon offsets.

[Paul]

Disorganize for America.

[Paul]

Look only one way before crossing street. When arrested, volunteer immigration status. On way to jail, pass Go and collect $200.

[Noah Nehm]

Hack into Webster's online dictionary and change the official pronunciation of Nuclear to "Nook-yoo-ler".
End sentences with not just one, but two prepositions.
Inquire about the legitimate uses of the interrobang in a feminist literature seminar. (?!)

[Jeff H.]

Hack into the local PBS broadcast and run a continuous loop of the Mike Weinstein Campaign Video.

[Vitamin Tom]

Plug an appliance into a wall socket and then NOT USE IT!!!

[Chris from Lakeland]

Invest in a Cuban drilling rig operating 50 miles from Key West.

[Cod Liver]

Fly the Mexican flag upside down underneath the Stars & Stripes

[Tex Lovera]

Eat tuna with good taste.

Tug on Superman's cape.

Press down with your right foot - HARD.

[sTevo]

Use a new Styrofoam for each cup of coffee at the office.

[DaneilS]

Take advantage of every opportunity to write in iowahawk's closely guarded comments section.

[JediArashi]

Looks like somebody deleted the list. I guess you guys hurt her feelings. *giggles*

Seriously, the list link is broken now. Go IowaHawk!

[Dr. Dave]

When asked "paper or plastic?" Answer, "Both"

[aelfheld]

Speak power to truth.

[Joe]

1) Do something productive
2) ???
3) Profit!

[cmcvey]

Pledge allegiance.

[cmcvey]

Think localy, Act Globaly.

[Kevin R Schilling]

Umm...encourage Capitalism...

[hutch1200]

Whenever somebody asks an important question respond with.."Well, according to IowaHawk..."

[hutch1200]

Make your own "Liver Jerky" from your freshly strangled, free range, drunken, yellow skinned Hobo. Instead of that stringy store bought crap.

[coach suitcase]

The motivation to succeed comes from the burning desire to achieve a purpose. Napoleon Hill wrote, “Whatever the mind of man can conceive and believe, the mind can achieve.”

[Bruce Lewis]

Capture penguins, place plastic six-pack rings around their necks, release.

EXTRA POINTS: release penguins at NORTH Pole

[aelfheld]

Serve nothing but pork.

[sTevo]

Shop Wal-Mart exclusively.

[1easyliving1]

Somebody F*#& with Jesus Quintana.

[Sir Dragoon]

Claim carbon credits while getting chakra released

[Brick Oven Bill]

Support Presidential candidates who can successfully purchase sex for $500.

[deborah]

Super glue Keith Olbermann's teeth together.

[Karl Hungus]

Establish free armpit shaving clinic for disadvantaged Democrat women.

[Karl Hungus]

Touch Algore's inner thigh. Scream rape when he sports tiny erection.

[SJBill]

Mate Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi just to see what happens.

[Storm Saxon's Gall Bladder]

Buy a box of .38, a box of .308 and a whole brick of .22 and call it diversity.

[J.M. Heinrichs]

Buy Canadian Bacon.

Cheers

[sTevo]

Put recyclables out with the garbage.

[Joe Redfield]

Start rumor that texting causes thumb cancer.

[Joe Redfield]

Hand out cigarettes and/or .45 caliber ammunition for trick or treat.

[Reaganite Republican]

Good stuff, IH... thanks and have a great Independence Day~

As you know, an 4 month, all-out political war for the future of this country starts Tuesday… all good conservatives better rest up, we’ll need to be in fine fighting form, surely got our work cut out for us

-God Bless the USA-

RR

[aelfheld]

Include Iowahawk in the core curriculum.

[sick of liBS]

Offer Dave Burge a WH cabinet position in exchange for his not running for Congress in 2010.

[Ghinyard]

Make a payment on your home loan.

[Boone]

Attend a TEA Party!

[Boone]

Don't have an abortion.

[Douglas B. Killings]

Intercept MSNBC's satellite uplink and add "He's Lying" or "She's Lying" in blinking neon letters to the video feed every time Keith Olberman or Rachel Maddow open their mouths.

[SoberHorseThief]

Do nothing. Win Nobel Peace Prize. Make speech. Go home.

[longhawl]

Neat! Mention iowahawk in a tweet and immediately make the @PomPrincessMomJ/destroying-our-america bot generated list!

[DngrMse]

Release your second Chakra into the gas tank of the neighbor's Prius.

[hutch1200]

Honor that dead guy Byrd by lowering your "Rebel Flag" to half mast.....by letting the air out of the front tires on your pickup.

[DngrMse]

Sell carbon offsets, by the baggie full, late at night on poorly lit street corners.

[DngrMse]

Compost an entire 1982 18 passenger Buick Le Barge station wagon in your back yard...without filing the proper EPA paperwork.

[Mr. Blue]

Add solar powered ignition to coal-fired furnace.

[Mr. Blue]

Ask W.W.A.G.D? (What Would Al Gore Do?). Do likewise.

[Burma Shave]

Leave the lights on in the house 24/7. When challenged, mumble something about purchasing carbon offsets.

[Burma Shave]

Sneeze into your hands instead of your sleeve.

[hutch1200]

Put your neighbors car, the one w/the Obama stcker on it, on Ebay. 99 cents, no reserve, and all their personal contact info, work history, and maritial status. Advise in the ad... "no bids accepted w/o asking 1 question".
When they gripe, say "Wow, all your info out there...do you have Obamacare already!".

[dbp]

Convert your natural gas furnace to oil, then once that has irked your green neighbor, convert it again--to coal.

[hutch1200]

The Brown acid is not bad. 59 members of the Senate can't all be wrong!

[dbp]

Start a backyard garden, but instead of heirloom tomatoes grow tobacco.

[hutch1200]

Post "No Idiots or Drunkards" signs at the front door of local SUIU office. Stand outside in a black suit. Say, with outstretched arm..."Sorry, not today, now beat it".

[hutch1200]

Get a PFA against any local Dem Politician of the same sex. Say vaguely "it is sexual in nature". Ball uncontrollably when asked any questions to avoid perjury.

[Mr. Blue]

Be patriotic! BBQ a bald eagle for 4th of July!

[Sadman]

I have nothing to say, but now I can tell people that I COMMENTED AT IOWAHAWK!!!

[sick of liBS]

Enroll the President and everyone in Congress in remedial reading courses.

[sick of liBS]

Send Obama a dozen roses. Sign card, "Thanks for making me SECOND worst POTUS ever! Love, Jimmy Carter"

[DngrMse]

Go ahead and split that 11, and double down on 14. It's just monopoly money now anyway.

[EricT]

Do a victory lap every time you finish mowing the lawn.

[sick of liBS]

Tell others at Exhalted Grand Cyclops Sen. Byrd funeral that his brief flirtation with the KKK was only so he could get elected. (Oh...Bill Clinton did that already)

[sick of liBS]

Buy new Aston Martin that you can't afford. Have Obama co-sign loan paperwork for you by telling him it is Immigration Reform Bill. (He never reads what he signs anyway)

[sick of liBS]

Spread rumor that Obama actually accepted blame for something.

[Bill D. Cat]

Squeeze the Charmin .

[Chuck]

Post ads with pictures of government vehicles touting that: "They sleep six"

[www.google.com/accounts/o8/id?id=AItOawn3WcIylpXj0V_JW9Ulc5HnHfIPmp_JowA]

Wash your hands with soap for only ten seconds, in defiance of the posted instructions.

[Chuck]

Re-arrange construction barrels into auto-cross course

[johnt]

Speak truth to power, then mindlessly demand more of it.

[Bob Hawkins]

Question Bumper Stickers

Take a bath, get a haircut, get a job

Blast Louie Armstrong out your car window (may substitute Bing Crosby)

[Kermit]

Drink plain, black coffee (no latte) from a styrofoam cup.