opening montage / theme
Danke for being a freund
In all those press pools that you once joined
You aren't a Jew, you're almost an Aryan.
And if you threw a Nazi Party
Just like we had in '42
You would see a big old can of Zyklon-B
And the card attached would say danke for being a freund.
Interior shot: a condo at Del Speer's Boca Vista Nazi retirement village, Rio de Janiero. Workmen, supervised by condo board president Rudy Hess, are moving furniture and boxes out.
EVA (to workman)
Careful, careful! Inside that glass jar ist der head of mein leibschen der Fuhrer! Oh, wait. It ist just some hard candy.
(laff track)
LENI
I hate this! Why must ve leave the Fathercondo? This has been our retirement homeland since 1945!
RUDY HESS
Now ladies, you were aware of the condo contract. You haff missed three straight months on your association dues, and dis iss der final solution -- eviction!
(laff track)
INGE
But what are we supposed to do? Do you know hard it iss to get a job when you're a 98 years old Nazi groupie?
RUDY HESS
Perhaps you should haff thought about that before you lost all that confiscated Judengeld playing Friday night bingo!
(laff track)
EVA
The way you grub for money Rudy, I zink you are the Jew!
(audience: oooo-oooh)
RUDY HESS
I will forget you said that Eva, and offer you a deal. As President of the Boca Vista Nazi condo board, I will waive your association fees, permanently. All you haff to do iss giff me the one thing I want.
EVA
No! Never! I would rather shleep in der streets!
RUDY HESS
Can't I just see it? Pretty please? Only a few moments. I will even give you one extra free night here. I promise I won't even touch.
EVA
*sigh* Alright.
Eva lifts red velvet swastika shroud from glass jar containing Hitler's senile head
HITLER'S HEAD
Hee-eere's Adolf!
(laff track)
EVA, INGE, LENI
Heil Hitler!
RUDY HESS (weeping)
Oh, mein Fuhrer! Soon we will be reunited! I shall recapture you like the Sudetenland!
(laff track)
EVA (re-covering Hitler's head)
You've had your look Rudy. Now get out of our bunker and leave us to enjoy our last night in peace.
RUDY HESS
As you vish. Besides, I'm late for ze earlybird special at Schnitzel Garden. But I'll be back here in 24 hours. If you don't want to be carried off by the Condostapo, I suggest you turn over the Fuhrer's head -- or those late association dues!
Rudy leaves to the girls' sneers.
INGE
That vass telling him, Eva! We will never giff up der Fuhrer.
LENI
Yes, I agree. But how can we come up with 2000 Deutschmarks in 24 hours? I can't take 10 minutes out in that sun with my Aryan skin!
(laff track)
EVA
I'm vay ahead of you Leni. Last veek I put an ad on Dolfslist for a new roommate! Look here on der computer. "Vanted: mature retired female 85-105 to share spacious Brazilian condo with three ozzers. Must be quiet, tidy, financially responsible, support global extermination of the vermin Jew. Shuffleboard skills a plus. Respond via email."
INGE
Do you zink it will vork?
LENI
It better -- because it's all ve got!
EVA
Hey look girls! Ve got a response!
INGE
But ... isn't that from an Amerikaner email address?
LENI
Read it, Eva! What does it say?
EVA
"Dear Ladies: I recently retired from my job as an American journalist, no thanks to the filthy warmongering neocon Zionist Jews who control the US media. Anyhoo, I am looking for a warm weather condo to live out my golden years, and this sounds right up my alley. I have sent you a 3000 Deutschmark security deposit via PayPal. See you tomorrow, Helen."
LENI
Ve're saved!
INGE
Break out the braunschweiger and bier, girls -- it's Octoberfest in June!
EVA
'saright, mein Fuhrer?
HITLER'S HEAD
'saright!
(laff track)
dissolve; the next day
RUDY HESS (counting cash)
Fourteen hundred... fifteen hundred...
LENI
Ja, go ahead and count it, Rudy. It's all there.
RUDY
Alright, alright. But tell me this -- where did it come from?
INGE
If you really must know, we are getting a new roommate.
LENI
Shhh, Inge! Ixnay on der oommate-ray!
RUDY
New roommate!? Diss must be approved by the central condo committee!
DOORBELL
ding dong!
EVA
It must be her, I'll get it.
HELEN
Hello Brazil! Helen's ready to conga! Coochie-coochie!
(audience: ooooo--ooo-oooh)
LENI
Funny, she doesn't look Aryan.
(laff track)
HELEN
Aryan? No, I'm Lebanese.
INGE
Hey, I don't know what you heard, but ve don't schving dat vay.
(laff track)
HELEN
What? No, Leb-a-nese.
RUDY
Dat's it! Scram, unterfrau! Boca Vista Nazi is Aryan only!
HELEN
Now just a cotton-picking minute, bub. Just because I have a little Mediterrean flavor doesn't mean I don't want to wipe Israel off the map just as much as you. From the River to the Sea, Palestine will be Jew free! Come on girls!
EVA, INGE, LENI
From the River to the Sea, Palestine will be Jew free!
Hubba hubba! Now that's my kinda woman!
LENI
Hear that Rudy? If she's good enough for der Fuhrer, she good enough for Boca Vista Nazi.
RUDY
Alright, alright, she stays. But no schwimming in da jacuzzi.
HELEN
But I brought my Brazilian thong!
HITLER'S HEAD
(wolf whistle) Once you go whack, you'll never go back!
EVA, INGE, LENI and HELEN group hug
EVA
Girls, I have a feeling diss iss de beginning of a beautiful friendship.
