It's the middle of the day on a deserted Washington street. You're on your way to a reelection fund raising brunch. Suddenly a gang of crazed camera-wielding teabaggers jump out from the alley and lunge at you with their razor-sharp switchblade questions!
Would YOU know WHAT TO DO?
Don't let panic and confusion put your poll numbers in the hospital - or worse! Fight back with CONG-FU, the exclusive congressional seat-defense system developed by Sensei Bob Etheridge, world renowned Dragon-level 8 term master of Hu-Yu Drunken Tarheel Style! And now you can learn the forbidden fighting secrets of East Carolina in Sensei Bob's new book, "CONG-FU: The Death Touch."
Other campaign methods focus on evasive action like fleeing town halls and throwing cash at problem constituents. But CONG-FU is the only system that attacks the problem at the source -- your opponents' windpipes! End those reelection fears and gain self confidence. With CONG-FU, you'll turn the tables on angry critics by making them flee from you. Order "CONG-FU: The Death Touch" today and by November your constituents will be afraid to pull the lever for anybody else!
For only $19.95, you'll learn the 17 deadly katas of the CONG-FU fighting discipline -- including Hu-Yu, Flip Slap, Ah-Sol palm thrust, wrist grab rabid monkey style, and Nu-Gi -- along with step-by-step illustrations of Sensei Bob rendering attackers speechless. In this exclusive internet offer, we'll also include a free action-packed DVD!
But CONG-FU is more than aggressive disabling attack techniques. Much more! You'll also learn secret defensive countermoves that will let you maintain complete stealth and plausible deniability, while avoiding arrest -- like the Twisting Weasel modified half-apology, and the deadly meme-killing Yu Tu-Be takedown notice. There's even a complete section on concealed media weapons, including tools like Media-Ite, Wa-Po and Dik-Suk.
But don't take our word for it... listen to these testimonials from satisfied customers:
"Before CONG-FU the Tea Partiers had me cowering in fear. Thanks to Sensei Bob, the next time one of those violent bastards demands I explain a health care vote, he's getting filibustered... right in the wingnuts!"
H.R., Capitol Hill"The amazing CONG-FU system is the ultimate in stealth. Every eye-gouge and chokehold looks like a friendly hug! At least that's what I'm reporting."
D.W., 15th Street"I just received my copy of CONG-FU in the mail. Wow! I can't wait to start figuring out whose ass to kick!"
B.O., Pennsylvania Avenue
So what are you waiting for? Order "CONG-FU today and start sweeping a leg on the opposition. The seat you save may be your own!
REPLY TO:
CONG-FU BOOK OFFER
c/o Sensei Bob's DC Dojo
1533 Longworth House Office Bldg.
Washington, DC 20515
(Please include check or money order for $19.95 plus $6.95 S+H, plus $23.95 National Health Care Coverage Tax, $18.95 VAT, plus $6.95 National Recovery Stimulus Service Fee. Lobbyist Residents of DC please add 18% reelection gratuity. Offer not valid in Red States.)
