According to my dog-eared copy of How to Become a Blog Billionaire, the secret key to cashing in on this wacky internet craze is "amassing eyeballs." At first I assumed this had something to do with stockpiling and selling spare body parts, but it turns out this means attracting an unsuspecting horde of high-value readers. Unfortunately, Iowahawk has so far only shown a selective appeal to a niche audience. A very, very, very niche audience. Consisting, sadly, of people like you. And, if my latest site stats are any indication, that appeal continues to grow evermore niche-ier.
Therein lies my dilemma: in an economy like this, and with readers like you, I'll never be able to fulfill my dream of quitting this stupid blog and laughing all the way to the bank. So what's one to do with a low market share defective product? Duhhh --- advertising campaign! So last week I set up a top-level media brainstorming session with the creative team at Leo Burnett aimed at taking Iowahawk to the next level, Malibu retirement beach house-wise. Man, talk about a waste of time. I ended up sitting through five or six pitches before they came up with one I didn't totally reject -- and THEN the head creative guy starts talking about how it would actually cost me money! Like I told the security guy who escorted me from the building, it's a wonder you ad guys can even sleep at night.
So it seems these days if you want something done free, you've got to do it yourself. Fortunately, having studied 12-18 hours of TV a day for the last 40 years, I've learned a thing or two about the advertising game. For instance, I know that I possess the three basic attributes common to all advertising geniuses: (1) a skinny tie, (2) a fully stocked liquor cabinet, and (3) a bewitching wife with telekinetic superpowers. I also know that the hot new trend in the ad biz is "virulent marketing," which is based on the idea of convincing hip, socially-networked suckers to give you free ad space. So I poured me a glass of Four Roses on the rocks and came up with a new campaign inspired by the original virulent marketers: Wall Drug.
It's a natural, if I do say so myself. Like Wall Drug, Iowahawk is a mysterious down-homey Midwest attraction alongside the information highway, drawing brief visits from curious lowbrow travelers with full bladders and a few minutes to kill. Then, after the inevitable letdown, it's back on the Interstate and the Dinosaur Park in Rapid City. But Iowahawk has always lacked the one thing that made Wall Drug a treasured national institution: user-distributed advertising to help lure in the next busload of tourists. Until now, that is! So help yourself to one of the handsome e-billboards below, or rifle through my Iowahawk ad catalog for smaller sizes. Display proudly on your site with a link to http://iowahawk.typepad.com -- or print out and plaster around your neighborhood indiscriminately, Shepard Fairey style -- then sit back and enjoy the grateful praise from your fellow citizens. Best of all, I won't charge you a red cent for the privilege!
I suppose there are a few shamelessly self-serving bloggers reading this and asking, "so, Dave, how exactly does this deal actually benefit me?" For one thing, Professor Socratic Method Me-First Smartass, how about the lucrative, image-building cachet of being associated with the highly respected Iowahawk brand?
Okay, scratch that, forget I brought it up. But come on, aside from that $10/month creepy dancing cyberwoman discount mortgage ad, how much revenue are you really making from your blog? Put one of my high-impact ads on your sidebar, and nobody needs to know I didn't pay you top dollar. And then when some big shot online ad buyer stumbles on your site and sees it, you know what he'll be thinking? "Well, I guess I wouldn't be the only idiot paying that guy's exorbitant rate card." And friend, as far as I'm concerned, your special 100% Dave discount will remain our little secret.
But don't undervalue the deep sense of personal satisfaction that will come with being part of this important volunteer propaganda project. Not only will you get a spiffy link in my new "Army of Virulence" sidebar blog roll, you'll enjoy the pride knowing that you were part of the team that landed a blog buyout deal bigger than Perez Hilton's for somebody almost as deserving as Perez Hilton. Trust me - when that happens, I won't forget who got me there. Just drop my Malibu beach house next year, and ask the gate security guards for the special discount $10 autograph photo.
Happy marketing!
