Kids, Parents Celebrate 'Take Your Daughter to the Unemployment Office Day'
FLINT, MI -- Dressed in festive clown costumes, Senator Debbie Stabenow and Governor Jennifer Granholm joined job placement specialists and suicide counselors in passing out balloons and cupcakes to gleeful pre-teens at the Mid-Michigan Career Hope Center this morning. Similar celebrations occurred at thousands of Job Centers across the country as part of the first annual national Take Your Daughter to the Unemployment Office Day.
Funded by a federal ARRA stimulus grant, the program was proclaimed "a roaring success" by Stabenow.
"Too often society puts limits on the career aspirations of girls," said the Senator. "This program lets them know they just don't have to be mommies -- they can also go down to the job bank and argue for extended benefits like boys do. They learn important skills like taking numbers and filling forms and waiting in line. It's great preparation for the future, and really opens their eyes to the possibilities."
Perky Hannah Kupcinski, 6, said her favorite activities were "seeing the check printing machine and the pretty flickery lights. And I liked the yummy cupcakes! I'm tired of macaroni and cheese."
Hannah's father Joe Kupcinski, 34, an unemployed tool and die maker, said he enjoyed the event as well.
"I think it gives her a good idea what I do all day," said Kupcinski. "I'm sure we'll be back again next year."
Video Prize Winner Faces Fine
WASHINGTON DC -- Tara Murchinson, whose 90 second video "Manacles of Freedom" earned the $2500 grand prize in the Environmental Protection Agency's recent film contest to promote government regulation, now faces over $3.7 million in federal fines levied over its production.According to an agency spokesman, Murchinson failed to file a required Environmental Impact Report prior to filming the video in her back yard, which was subsequently declared a protected wetland habitat by agency administrators. She was also levied fines by the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission for failure to report Affirmative Action goals and timetables, the U.S. Labor Department for violation of local laws requiring union cast and crew, OSHA for workplace safety violations, and the Federal Communications Commission for unauthorized use of Kool & the Gang's "Celebration."
"All I can say is, 'ouch,'" said a contrite Murchinson outside her Los Angeles home, which will be razed later this week to make way for a protected fruit fly sanctuary. The 37-year old said she would not contest the ruling.
"I mean, come on, that would just be hypocritical," she explained. "These regulators were just doing their job, and I'm sure I deserved it. Thankfully I still have that $2500 prize to start paying off my debt. Well, $1400 after taxes."
Comedy Central Execs Land Courage Award
NEW YORK -- The programming staff and Standards and Practices department of cable TV's Comedy Central have been named winners of the Al-Fatwahadeen Revolutionary Martyrs Anti-Defamation League's 2010 Anti-Blasphemy Courage Award.
"All too often, infidels in the media industry are cowards when it comes to obeying Islamic law," said League spokesmartyr Khalid Al-Mustapha. "By selectively censoring the blasphemers of South Park, these Comedy Central executives have displayed the steadfast conviction to stand up, courageously raise their voices, and beg not to have their heads chopped off. I am delighted to announce that in recognition of their courage, we will kill them last. Unless they are Jews."
The award, which also carries a basket of baklava and a $5 Target gift card, is scheduled to be given out at a ceremony in the World Trade Center construction hole.
A spokesperson for Comedy Central said, " ."
Medical Leave for MSNBC's Olbermann?
NEW YORK -- Denying that it had anything to do with a dustup over a reported inter-network feud with Donnie Deutsch, an MSNBC News spokesman today said that 'Countdown' host Keith Olbermann will miss two episodes of the nightly program due to a "routine colonoscopy."
"We apologized to the dozens of Keith's fans and viewers who are disappointed," said the spokesman.
The timing of the announcement prompted speculation among media and medical analysts.
"In Keith Olbermann's case, I'm just not sure how routine a colonoscopy could be," said Dr. Steven Silverberg, a health analyst for Iowahawk News. "The real challenge for the proctologist will be to determine where the asshole stops and the Olbermann begins."
