WH Sources: Help Us Rahm, You're Our Only Hope
Amid fading polls and a stalled legislative agenda, a growing chorus of White House insiders say that the fate of Barack Obama's presidential legacy now depends on expanding the power of Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel.
"Let's face it, it was those two incompetent idiots [David] Axlerod and [Valerie] Jarrett who drove this thing into the ditch," said one Oval Office insider who requested anonymity. "It's just so frustrating that I, uh, I mean Rahm Emanuel, has been shut out of the entire first year. I only hope he can forgive and forget."
Combative, intensely loyal, and with the lithe body of a former professional dancer, the popular former Illinois congressman is widely considered as a voice of savvy legislative reason in an inner circle dominated by campaign consultants.
"There's a world of difference between running an election campaign and running a complex country," said the White House veteran. "It's something Rahm understands, but it's apparently lost on two bit astroturfing hacks like that fat bald tub of goo Axelrod."
The source is reportedly only one of a number of staffers who are questioning whether the White House made a gigantic strategic blunder by not giving a more prominent role to the dapper and irascible Emanuel, who declined to comment on the record for this article.
"Sure, Rahm uses some salty language, but it's all in good fun," said the staffer. "Unlike Axelrod he has fucking been there, man. He knows what it fucking takes to grab these swing state cocksuckers by the balls and get things done. Maybe if more people had listened to him we wouldn't be in this disgusting fucking mess."
"Speaking of disgusting fucking messes, Axelrod, it's called personal hygiene. Google it," he added.
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Insiders: "Abrasive Asshole" Emanuel Hampering Obama
Sources inside the Obama Administration today hinted that controversial Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel has worn out his welcome inside the Oval Office, leading some to wonder whether the diminutive former ballerina "has the guts" to leave White House voluntarily.
"Rahm has been nothing but a self-serving obnoxious asshole since the inauguration, disrupting staff meetings right when, er, David Axelrod, is in the middle of a Power Point," said one senior staffer who asked to remain anonymous. "That mincing little twat is a complete distraction, especially among the progressive base that we need for the health care fight. And then he wonders why he doesn't get Outlook meeting notices."
For the record, the quiet and contemplative Senior Adviser Axelrod dismissed any fissure between himself and "my good friend Rahm."
But other Obama campaign veterans within the White House were more candid in complaining about the damage from Emanuel's antics.
"I didn't spend two years schlepping around in a campaign bus to take orders from a foul mouthed loose cannon in a tutu," said one anonymous staffer who was an early member of the Obama campaign team. "Thank God that [David Axlerod] am here to maintain some semblance of message discipline and sanity."
"It's a little too late for apologies now," he added. "Maybe that midget bully should have thought about it before speed-dialing his weasel pals at the Post."The staffer expressed hopes that the President would demand Emanuel's resignation as soon as 5 pm Eastern time.
"We've already ordered balloons and cake," he said.
SOURCES: Pelosi Losing Control of Congress
Capitol Hill Democratic political veterans say that embattled House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) faces "an out-and-out mutiny" by the House Democratic Caucus over "inept, clueless leadership that has resulted in a health care Waterloo for the President and the grim prospect of a November bloodbath."
"If we Democrats have any hopes to survive past November, I say we ditch this brain-damaged bitch and replace her with someone who isn't radioactive political poison outside the Castro district -- say, for example, highly respected House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer," said a Capitol Hill legislative insider from Maryland.
"The Speaker may not realize it, but some of us actually have to campaign for re-election," said the source. "Unlike Nancy, we didn't win the jackpot and get a safe district full of 1960s acid casualties, gay Marxist academics, government union goons, and guilt-ridden software billionaires."
The source said he hoped the ongoing health care reform fiasco would finally embolden swing district Democrats to stage a coup and unseat the wildly unpopular Speaker from San Francisco.
"Conference room 11-C in the Rayburn Building at 3 pm," he added cryptically. "And remember the password."
Staffers: Axelrod "Really Shit the Bed This Time"
A messy afternoon housekeeping incident at the White House has some staffers wondering whether Senior Presidential Adviser David Axelrod had lost his mind.
"Axlerod really shit the bed this time," said one anonymous senior Oval Office aide. "I mean, literally shit the bed, right on the President's 400-thread count Egyptian cotton sheets. What kind of fucking retard does something like that to the President of the United States? Frankly I can't see him lasting the hour."
The aide said Axelrod remained the chief suspect in the case pending the outcome of an internal investigation. "Other than the Obamas, only two people have unsupervised access to that area of the White House - Axelrod and Rahm Emanuel. And as investigators will soon discover, Rahm has an airtight alibi -- his peanut allergy."
"Buh-bye Dave," added the aide. "That's what you get for trying to fuck with the Rahmbo."
Axelrod denied involvement in the incident, which has been referred to the Secret Service for DNA testing.
"All I can tell you is that I had nothing to do with it," said the embattle adviser, visibly shaking. "But I have a pretty goddamn good idea who did."
Aides: White House Ready to Clean Closet of "Closet Queen" Emanuel
A steady drip of new rumors about Rahm Emanuel's penchant for anonymous gay trysts with congressional Republicans and Islamic terrorist has increased the calls throughout the West Wing for the already embattled Chief of Staff to step down.
"When Rahm brags about playing hardball with Republicans, this is obviously not what we had in mind," said one senior mustachioed White House adviser. "And if I gather correctly, he was catching, not pitching."
If proven true, the unsourced rumors would most certainly end Emanuel's tenure at the White House and within the Democratic Party. Some moderate Democrats contacted for this report expressed concern about Emanuel's alleged liaisons with Al Qaeda sleeper agents, while several members of the House Progressive Caucus were equally outraged by his rumored affairs with Republicans.
The adviser, who asked to remain anonymous, denied that the campaign to oust Emanuel was a precursor to a larger purge of other gay administration officials.
"Look, this isn't about homophobia, it's about loyalty and trust," said the adviser. "The President has appointed an unprecedented number of openly gay men and women to his administration, and they are serving the country well and proudly. But they're not sneaking off to the Congressional Bath House for midnight sword fights with disgraced Democrat traitors like Eric Massa."
"We simply can't have anyone in the White House with this kind of vulnerability to blackmail, no matter how obviously gay he is," explained the adviser. "I just can't imagine the pain he is causing to that 'beard' he married, what's-her-name. Let alone the taunts his kids are going to get, if he doesn't get a clue."
Glamorous Jarrett Emerges as Obama's Go-To Confidante
Could the ongoing feud between David Axelrod and Rahm Emanuel elevate a new Chicago power player in the White House?
Amid the dysfunctional power struggle that has engulfed the West Wing and dominated the early afternoon news cycle, insiders say White House senior adviser Valerie Jarrett has emerged as the one voice that President Obama can actually rely on.
A petite brunette fashion plate with a million dollar smile, Jarrett is widely seen as the last uncompromised member of Obama's inner circle - as well as the most loyal.
"Valerie has known the President longer than anyone in the White House," said one high level Administration staffer who asked to remain unidentified. "and unlike some others, she is untainted by rumors of copraphilia and all-night gay bondage and discipline parties with terrorist and Republicans."
"The President instinctively trusts Valerie to be discreet," explained the petite brunette staffer. "If you recall, their history goes way back to the early days in Chicago, and she actually introduced him to Michelle. Just imagine all the juicy scandalous dirt she has probably collected on the Obamas over the years, and never dished. Now that's loyalty."
"No wonder Valerie is destined for a bigger role," she added. "If the President is smart, I'm sure he'll move her that corner office with the Rose Garden view and walk-in closet."
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi cautioned the media against "jumping to conclusions" over an unsourced report of House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer's involvement in a satanic puppy rape cult that she distributed at a hastily assembled press conference late this afternoon.
"Yes, the reports are troubling, especially the sections highlighted in yellow," said Pelosi. "But as far as we know these are, at this point, only rumors, and Congressmen Hoyer deserves the presumption of innocence and the courtesy of a thorough eight month investigation by the Ethics Committee."
"I have every confidence that he will someday be exonerated, but we can't let this distract from moving the President's agenda forward," said Pelosi. "That is why we have asked him to temporarily relinquish his leadership responsibilities. And puppies."
Vice President Joe Biden is Barack Obama's BFF!
Do you know who our President is? His name is Barack Obama, and he is our first African-American president. He is clean and articulate and lives in a big white house in Washington DC. Inside his house he works in a busy office that is shaped like an oval! An oval is a shape that is round like a circle, except it is squished.
The job of president is very important, so Barack Obama has many people who help him. Some of these people are good, but some are not very good and try to be sneaky behind his back. This is why he always depends on his very best friend Joe Biden.
Joe is a loyal friend and keeps the bad helpers from getting Barack Obama into trouble. This is why Barack Obama lets Joe be the Vice President. Vice President is the second most important job. If something bad happens to Barack Obama, he wants Joe to become the President because he trusts him.
Joe is from Delaware, which is the very first state. Also, he likes trains! Do you like trains?
Go to page 23 and take the Joe Biden quiz!
Is Reclusive Iowa Blogger the Key to Obama Comeback?
With the White House beset by infighting and palace intrigues on the eve of a bloody legislative battle over health care reform, a growing number of Washington insiders now say that the President's last hope for salvation now lies in an unlikely place -- a trailer park in Coralville, Iowa.
Lakewood Mobile Home Court is the home of Dave Burge, a reclusive itinerant blogger whom some have called the "the greatest undiscovered political strategist and fix-it man in American history."
"Burge is the ultimate outsider," explained one senior lah-ti-dah Beltway big shot who asked to remain anonymous, as far as you know. "Despite his chiseled good looks and animal magnetism, Burge remains completely unknown both within Democratic and GOP circles. As a result he has no hidden alliances or secret agendas. And that 16 year stretch of unemployment has provided him the freedom to perfect an amazing secret sure-fire political playbook that has all the answers to President Obama's problems."
"I've seen it, and these ideas of his are totally awesome and mind-blowing," added the big shot. "The President better act fast before he sells it to the Republicans."
When reach at his trailer for comment, Burge remained coy about his plans for the secret guide.
"I'm in the phone book," he said. "Bring cash."
