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Take the carbon offset approved bus with your subsidized sanctuary city pass to the nearest gas station on Rt. 66 and purchase a post card. (No doubt a bygone image of a now dilapidated landmark from city progressive utopia policies; more than likely a school). Then mail it from the post office with a Saturday post mark. A collectors item.

Reference to Valentine's Day or the word 'love' optional.

P.S. Don't make eye contact with anyone sporting a beard on the bus.

Lonesome Loverboy

So when's Valentine's Day gonna be, anyway? My old lady hasn't been talking to me for about a month, so I want to be sure and surprise her with something nice when the day comes.

Audrey Johnson

How about some lefsa earrings, Eau du Lutefisk or lutefisk helpers? I have them for 5.00 an item. Hand made and thoughtful, and available at Nord Lake 2 on ebay.

Gary from Jersey

Yeah I'm late but that's what VD is for: forgetting. SO! Pocket the fin and show her all these responses then say, "See, Tammi Jo? This is what my friends think of you. Now put that rebar down. We still got time to reach White Castle."


Yes, I remember the time I woke up hung over, and having shit the bed told my ex wife it was a carbon credit. Doctors say with a lot of hard work...


"Now my 7th ex-wife... there was a real loser!"


Keep the 5 large and remind her of her considerable luck in having you around to...well...just be you. What more could a woman want! Then tell her to get into the kitchen and fix dinner! That always works!


You should have told her she could have redeemed her carbon credit for a seared barbequed steak when the weather got warmer!


I can't believe you bothered to buy something - you could've totally stolen something from one of your neighbors and pocketed the 5 bones, or put it towards a future beer purchase.

lc purple raider

You should have gone down to your local grocery store and bought some half-off chocolate.

"The rehab doctor said I should be back on my feet and ambulatory within 2 weeks."

Well, there goes your beer budget.


What woman wouldn't want a carbon credit?


Now it can be told!

Tammi Jo woke up to find a lace-wrapped carbon credit under her pillow.

The rehab doctor said I should be back on my feet and ambulatory within 2 weeks.


I realize it's late, but, condoms.


I just hope that whatever gift you chose, you gave it to Tammi Jo yesterday. I kinda let the 14th slip by me while I was watching that show on TV where those crazy bastards jump off of mountains on their skis and slide down the hill on their asses, so my Valentine wasn't too pleased when I tossed her some left over Halloween candy and a card with a reindeer on it this morning and tried to explain to her how stupid she was not knowing that Valentine's Day was on the 15th.

J.M. Heinrichs



Clearly, the stuffed cane toad is the winner here.
I gave my wife one about 4 years ago, just got out of traction last week.

Billy Bobb

You are blessed geographically. Not everyone has a White Castle nearby. Six White Castles, fries, and a Coke. With two straws, of course. The dames love that two straw thing.


His and Her Belly Button Brushes.
For the couple that has everything :-)
At .50 each, minimum order of 2, you will have enough left over for a down payment on that new mower beer.. er.. uh.. cup holder you've had your eye on :-)

wHite punk

It's still not too late:

Write out a hand written VD card.
For 75 cents you can get one off those banana-strawberry ribberd & scented prophylactics at the gas station.
Slip one of these babies in there and Shazam, yer done.

Your honey is gonna love you tonight!!!!!!!

Johnny Sparkle

Plowboy took his woman to a female midget wrestling match in Bemont for Valentine's day, but I think the cover was $8. Since I'm your friend, I would chip in the other $3.


Check the paper - I'm sure there are dozens of free kittens available. Hand it to her with some heart rending tale about how when on the way to the jewelry store, you found the poor little waif stranded in a snowbank/on the side of the road where someone dumped it/about to be devoured by a rabid coyote - whatever cock and bull story best exemplifies that you are the kind of man who would rescue a helpless kitten even if it meant missing the opportunity to buy the woman you love that humongous cubic zirconium she had her heart set on.


You ought to be able to find a box of disco 8-track tapes somewhere for a fin.
Anyone who appreciates the suave-ity of jumpsuits must have an 8-track player around somewhere.


$5 would buy a pair Chicago 2016 Olympics t-shirts.

Marc DaPlumma

$1.99 earplugs from Harbor Freight.She won't have to complain about your snoring or having the T.V. too loud while watching Forensic Files.


Nothing says I love you like a taco!


Chineese DVD of "Pink Force Commandoe" - $2.99


One hundred foot of twine and a pamplet on how to keep him bound. Think of the fun she could have tying you..uh..things up and experimenting.


Get her a cigar. It's all in the presentation.

Yellowstone Kelly

Have you considered the 145 piece bedroom set? It's a gross of rubbers and an army cot. Very thoughtful, and it's a gift that screams "Class" but you'll have to shop the sales to keep it within your price range. Good Luck.


Going to any dollar store can offer a cornucopia of delights. I selected some new tea towels, a box of milk duds, some of that wonderbar eau de toilet from France, a bathtub stopper and the glorious bubble bath. It was either those or the used pocket fisherman I cheerfully discovered on Ebay for 3.29 + shipping. I opted for the latter, and now I can have a bass anytime I want. She thinks I'm a prince!


I'd get her an IOU... in the amount of whatever.

E. Go. Man(iac)

I strongly recommend a stuffed cane toad. It shut my missus up for an entire week. What more could you ask for from Valentine's Day


Get her one of those "Control-a-Man" remote control thingers, with buttons to cause a man to actually desire to talk about weird things like 'feelings', 'shopping', and 'shoes'; with more buttons to stop such enjoyable activities as 'farting', 'snoring', and 'belching'.

But I think the thing runs for like $9.99, so you'll have to home-make one for yourself.

Then you can leave off the buttons that speak to such troubling concepts as 'flowers', 'massage', and, worst of all, 'PROPOSE' !!

Or, a six pack of Blatz. Always worked for me. )


how bout one of those taco boxes barkley's been pitchin. it comes with a drink heh!


My wife gave me a beer in a can. Young's Double Chocolate Stout.


happy new year..tonight is Lunar New Year's Eve




Man, 5 bucks won't even get you a ticket to see casablanca at the music box this weekend, my choice for a cheap "look how classy I am" date...


The best things in life are free. I think your mere presence on Valentines Day, suited up in your fire engine red jumpsuit, would be more than sufficient for not only Tammi Jo, but all the womanhood of the Western World. Oh, you might bust out the tamales, pineapple, and tequila too....we're talkin' Love Rollercoaster!

Jeffrey Walkup

If you still have any printer paper around the house, you could print off this webpage and then take the lucky lady out to share a DQ Banana Split:


How 'bout a video of Milt's snowblower in action!
Nothing says I love you like a cheap VHS displaying your concern in combatting global cooling through copious consumption of regular gasoline.

When she's finished with the blunt instrument' are nice.

Maria Stahl

Think Hawkspawn would serenade her with a luuuuuv song for five bucks?


Does she like classic American movies? Some dude named Gordy Brown has just put up some DVDs for sale dirt cheap on eBay.

Bob In Los Angeles

With your $5, go to Starbucks. Get one o' them double cappuccino for $3.99 plus tax. Take Tammi Jo for a walk in a park (How romantic). Write her name in the snow. "I love Tammi Jo." (How Creative!) Use your wee-wee. The caffeine in the cappuccino acts as a diuretic and will make you go go go. That's why I dont' drink Diet Coke before getting on a plane. But I digress...


A picnic... with fairy bread.

Oh wait. It's 40 below outside?



I made my wife a macaroni picture. Chicks go wild for that kind of handmade thoughtful shit

Rob De Witt

Get a big red ribbon to tie around the snowblower you got her for Christmas.

Chicks love that.

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