[ed. note: cross posted at Anorak, the UK's favorite online guilty pleasure. And special best wishes to Nick and Kelly for a long, happy, contusion-free life together.]
OXFORD -- According to a new international study by researchers at Oxford University, men who agreed to perform housework and cleaning chores were 43.2% more successful in attracting a long-term female marriage or cohabitation partner. The study further showed that after winning his lady's hand, these same men received fewer and less severe beatings when they continued household duties.
Study director Dr Almudena Sevilla-Sanz said that the study's results should be a "wake-up call" to men who subscribe to archaic notions of gender roles in live-in relationships.
"It should be quite clear to men that if they want to attract a woman into a long-term monogamous relationship, especially a women with meticulous housekeeping standards, they should make chop-chop with the brooms and mops and laundry baskets," said Sevilla-Sanz. "Failure to do so may condemn these men to empty lives filled with cheap, messy casual sex with slovenly 20-year strippers, who will leave their exotic knickers laying about everywhere."
The study also showed that opposite-sex households where men perform cleaning chores led to positive attitudes among both partners. Women in these households were more 8.2 times more likely to report short-term feelings of satisfaction during or immediately after their partner's performance of toilet scrubbing, vacuuming or dishwashing.
Men were also seen benefiting from equitable housework sharing. Study males reported significant decreases in screaming, browbeating and violent threats when engaged in housework, with a majority indicating a sense of either contentment or quiet resignation.
Anecdotal evidence from study participants supported the findings.
"When Ian keeps ahead of the laundry, I find it really helps keep the relationship healthy and the hospital visits at a minimum," said Sarah Pilcher, 37, a study participant. "Isn't that right, Ian? I SAID, isn't that RIGHT?"
"Oh, yes, definitely, dear," agreed her husband Ian, 38, bolting to attention in the midst of a silent gaze through the window of their spotless home in Luton, Beds. "It's hard work sometimes, but I know Sarah appreciates it. Especially when I polish the glass on my testicle jar."
"I shudder to think what this place would look like had I not married Sarah. I reckon it would be such a disgusting mess from the pizza cartons and empty beer bottles, I would probably be down at the pub, drinking a pint with my mates, watching a football game," he added, bursting into tears.
