Special Guest Commentary
by Senator Edward M. Kennedy (D-MA)
The statistics are sobering: the cost of American heath care is rising almost as fast as the cold, briny water bubbling up from our floorboards. So far we have already lost the 8-track player and several Vic Damone tapes, and if allowed to continue these trends threaten to engulf all of us within the Oldsmobile. We must quickly wake up and face the facts: inaction is no longer an option. That is why it is critical for the future of all the occupants that one of us swim off and get us some kind of free health care program. I nominate me.
Why me, you ask? As I explained to you back at the party, I am passionate about many things. Politics, sailing, the art of Leroy Niemann, Dewar's, my etchings. And let's not forget that sweet tight body of yours, which I must say looks stunning in the watery glow of the dashboard lights. But did I also mention my passion for universal heath care? Hey Baby, ol' Teddy Bear is all about that. As the Conscience of the Senate, I have led the fight to win comprehensive national medical benefits for you and other vulnerable Boiler Room Girls who have been denied coverage by their heartless employers. I fervently believe we're all on this boat together. Okay, Oldsmobile. Now, if you'll just let go of my arm, I'll make a break for it and continue the fight for your health care rights back at my lawyer's office.
Ow! Jesus! That fucking hurt! Come on now, Baby. Let's all just calm down, take a shallow breath, and look at our heath care predicament rationally. We obviously can't both stay here in our current plan, and if we both opt out of our windows at the same time it will sink the entire system. Even if we both made it out, there will be difficult questions and bureaucratic forms and red tape. Like I also told you back at the party, my wife doesn't understand me. And she sure as hell won't understand this.
Obviously the answer is some sort of window rationing system where one of us waits here while the other one swims for a comprehensive solution for both of us. Did I mention I was on the Pi Eta swim team? We won 3rd place at the Harvard Greek intramurals in '53. Ow! Fuck! Stop screaming your crazy bitch, you're using up the oxygen. See? I'm only thinking about what's best for you.
Look, I know you have misgivings about some aspects of my plan, but the time for debate is over. As a passionate advocate for health care reform, I will have the details and alibis worked out by the time I get to the Sherriff's station. As soon as I call my lawyer and get a couple cups of coffee, I will demand they dispatch rescue vehicles back here, with CPR-certified divers. I will demand that you receive an extremely private room in the best anonymous hospital. I will... holy shit! Get your hand off that fucking window switch!
Huh. How about that, looks like your side shorted out. Sadly, this is typical of Oldsmobile's shameful two-tier electric window standards, which is another one of my passions. As soon as this thing blows over, I am going to introduce legislation to mandate tough automotive buoyancy rules based on the European model. I don't care if it takes 40 years, every American will have access to free health care and Amphicars.
Okay, I can tell by the way you're thrashing it's obvious you're just not willing to listen to reason. So I'm just going to go now. I'm just weighing you down, and you deserve an air pocket you can call your own. But first, can you slide over a little bit? There's a bottle of Dewar's in the glove box and I've got a long walk ahead of me.
