DON PARDO
It's time for Collegiate Debate Bowl, where students match forensic wits for cash and prizes! Please welcome our host and moderator, Barack Obama!
[applause]
BARACK OBAMA
Thank you, Don Pardo. Hello everyone, and welcome once again to Collegiate Debate Bowl. We have a dandy match in store for you today between a pair of traditional rivals. If you are a debate fan like me, you've heard about the exciting, robust debates between these two highly-ranked teams, and I'm delighted we are able to present one for you today. On your right, please welcome the Unarmed Demonstrators of the University of Tehran.
[applause]
BARACK OBAMA
And on your left, please welcome our returning champions, the Revolutionary Guards of Theocratic State.
[applause]
BARACK OBAMA
I will skip the individual introductions in the interest of time. Teams, you have both been briefed on our rules. In the toss-up round, I will give a proposition. The team who buzzes in first can choose to oppose or defend the proposition, and its opponents will then respond. In the 30-second lightning round, team will pepper each other with rapid-fire intellectual challenges. In the free-for-all final round, the teams come up with their own rules. I will act as judge and scorekeeper, and all my decisions are final until they are not. Remember to finish your debating points within the alloted time, and please, no murdering. Good luck to all, and let's get ready to play Collegiate Debate Bowl!
And now for our first toss-up. Resolved: in order to advance peace in the world, United States foreign policy should replace neocon democracy building with a new realism, and....
BZZZ
Theocratic State!
BARACK OBAMA
Ooh, I'm sorry. That was a very interesting debate point, but I'm afraid you buzzed in before I finished the resolution. Put 10 points up on the board for the University of Tehran.
Now on to toss-up number 2. Resolved: the recent election dispute in Iran is, in many ways, no different than the stolen Florida election of 2000, so we have little room to talk, especially hypocritical right wingers who..
BZZZ
Theocratic State!
BARACK OBAMA
Theocratic State, I must caution you that if you continue to buzz in early I will be forced to issue a sternly worded statement of troubled concern. Please add 100 points more to the board for the University of Tehran.
BZZZ
BARACK OBAMA
I will in the spirit of fairness and forensic competition ask both contestants to please refrain from...
BZZZ
BARACK OBAMA
Come on! Now this is just ridic...
BZZZ
DON PARDO
Stay tuned for more Collegiate Debate Bowl, as the judges sort out points and our teams enter the exciting lightning round.
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COMMERCIAL BREAK
MALIA AND SASHA
Daddy, Daddy! Can we go to Dairy Unicorn?
BARACK OBAMA (hard at work at the Lincoln desk)
I'm sorry girls, there's an entire world that needs my saving.
SASHA
But Daddy, Dairy Unicorn is yummy!
MALIA
And it makes everybody forget their troubles!
BARACK OBAMA
Ha ha hah! Okay you two little scalawags, you've certainly won this debate. Rahm, ready the helicopter and alert the press.
VOICE OVER
Mmm-mmm-mmm, the creamy cold delicious distracting flavors of Dairy Unicorn. A perfect summertime treat even if you don't have your own worshipful media entourage.
MALIA AND SASHA (enjoying cones)
Thank you Daddy!
BARACK OBAMA
Anything for my two adorable camera magnets! Say fellas, can you turn down those harsh lights? I'm starting to melt here.
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DON PARDO
Welcome back to Collegiate Debate Bowl. Once again, Barack Obama!
BARACK OBAMA
On the world opinion tote board, the University of Tehran leads Theocratic State 400 to zero. But the Revolutionary Guards have lodged a formal protest over interference, and the judges will now hear their rejoinder.
BARACK OBAMA
Well played, Theocratic State! Judge?
DING DING
BARACK OBAMA
I have decided to overrule my previous ruling, and now the score stands knotted up at 200. What a game! Now we go to our tie-breaker. The University of Tehran has won the coin toss and will now will argue the final topic. Resolved: Barack Obama's speech at Cairo has inspired millions across the Mideast to a new hope for peace and democracy. University of Tehran?
BARACK OBAMA
I'm sorry, UT, I'm afraid I'll have to count that as a forfeit. Congratulations to the victorious Revolutionary Guards! Don Pardo, tell them what they've won.
DON PARDO
You've won diplomatic recognition, a picnic at the White House, and an all-inclusive trip to Club Nuke at Turtle Bay!
BARACK OBAMA
And for the survivors of our runners-up, you will all receive a parting gift of Turtle Wax and an invoice for bullets. Turtle Wax, for that hard shell finish.
That's all the time we have on Collegiate Debate Bowl. Be sure to tune in tonight at 9 pm, 8 central, as I host "Rapprochement" -- the exciting new international nuclear negotiating strategy game show! So long, everybody!
