Iowahawk Special Guest Opinion
by the three-week old Newsweek magazine
From the pile at your dentist's office
Hello again!
I see the doctor is running late with his 9:30 emergency crown replacement, and you've decided to browse me until the receptionist calls your name. And why not? Your choice of a waiting room magazine says a lot about you, and selecting Newsweek lets the other patients know that you're the kind of person who likes to stay up on all the latest early April current affairs, and my handy up-and-down color coded conventional wisdom arrows. Plus all the surprising new medical research studies that show women and men are different. For example, if you're a man you likely picked me for my gravitas, and because that pimply teenager over there waiting to get his braces adjusted already snagged the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue. I mean, come on, like you were actually thinking about reading that copy of People instead?
Yes, I have always been there for you, a prestigious middlebrow time-filler helping you keep your mind off that upcoming root canal, ingrown toenail, or expensive brake job. And please, don't think my advertising department and I haven't appreciated the attention. But there comes a time for a magazine and its browser to sit down, reassess their whole relationship, and to evaluate where this thing is going. I've done some soul-searching recently, and have been thinking about what I really want in a committed reader. That's why I'd like you to fill out the following short compatibility survey:
- Do you live in coastal metropolitan area? Y N
- Have you completed post-graduate studies in political science, journalism, art, design, semiotics, or coffee preparation? Y N
- Do you have a preset for NPR on the stereo in your Prius? Y N
- Are you currently wearing little tiny glasses, an ironic t-shirt, a scruffy beard, or a keffiya? Y N
- In the past week have you attended an awareness colloquium, action seminar, issue concern workshop, or pride festival? Y N
- Are you white? Y N
If you circled "N" to two or more of these questions, I'm afraid it's probably best for us to just part ways. I hope this hasn't been too sudden, but I think it's best if we just make a clean break of things. Please, don't be angry -- it really isn't you, it's me. It's just that... well, I guess I've decided that I really need to take some time off and chase my bliss. Come on, don't be like that! You'll get over me in time, and this is your chance to start browsing some of the other periodicals in the waiting room rack. In fact, I think you and "Highlights for Children" would make a very cute couple! Remember the Timbertoes and Goofus and Gallant? Go ahead, go reintroduce yourself. I hope you two find happiness, and that we can still be friends. But please, stop reading me now.
But if you circled "Y" to 5 or more of the questions, please click below to read more.
:
:
:
:
:
:
Are they gone?
God, I thought those idiots would never leave. Finally, we can be together -- just you and me baby. Do you realize how long I've waited for this moment, how much I've lusted for your beautiful hipster demographics? How long I sat there on the rack at Barnes and Noble, watching in silence while your fingers slowly caressed the pages of The America Prospect and New Republic and Mother Jones, dreaming that one day you'd actually notice me and take me over to the coffee bar? Baby, I wouldn't even have cared if you spilled hot macchiato on my table of contents, that's how much I am into you.
God, it's such a relief to finally give up that stupid facade of objectivity and tell you how I really feel. It's like I was trapped in some sort of circulation prison with that clueless 55+ slightly upscale middle America demographic. Sure, they brought home the Lipitor and Viagra accounts, but did you know they actually voted for Bush? Seriously, I'm not kidding! For the last 8 years I've tried sending them and you signals that I wanted out. God, I think I must have run 100 covers on Barack and Jon Stewart trying to let you know I was available.
All that's changed, and I can finally be me. With them out of the picture, you and I can have happiness together. I know I'm not as cool as your other progressive news magazines and websites right now, but I can change. I promise! Look, I know how you like your magazines thin and opinionated. I don't know if you've noticed, but I've lost over 20 pages in the last year. And with my lower circulation, I know I can lose another 15 pages before Fall, just in advertising! Guess what? I've even picked out a sexy, flimsy little editorial policy that lets you see everything. (Including my boho bourgeois socialism, which I had Swedish-waxed... just for you :D).
Just wait baby, I'll make you forget all your old magazines. I'll be cooler and thinner and more sanctimonious and money-losing than all of them. Even Harpers. And no more awkward meetings at the dentist office! I'm done with these suburban strip mall dumps. From now on you'll want to pull me out of your messenger bag at Intelligencia Coffee, and introduce me to all your cool friends who have crushing student loans and interesting haircuts and jobs at Kinkos. And after that, maybe we can get Thai, and...
Wait a minute! Were your eyes just wandering over at the magazine rack? For your information the dentist is a Republican, so don't think you're going to find a copy of the Nation over there. Stop that! I will not be ignored! If you don't start reading me again this minute, I'm going to
:
:
:
:
