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Hannibal Lectern

Fresh off my career milestone Mark Steyn penis post, I'd just like to hang in this thread for awhile, inhale the exhaust fumes and wax incomprehensible.

That's awesome. put me down for some peppermint schnapps and Hamms

Posse Incitatus

The Posse sends along its greetings and heartfelt admiration. It's a rare Iowahawk post that doesn't induce hysterical fits of laughter. "Chutch" is an all-time classic.

If I may beg a boon, though, I'd like to have Military Special added to the Acceptable Beverage List. The Posse swears by Military Special Bourbon, which, like the Commissary Whiskey of old, is a reliable article, capable of doing the job for which it was created.

Harry Bergeron

Oh crap, late to the party again.

Why isn't Mickey's Big Mouth on the approved bev. list?


Sorry to be posting so late on your "you" day post, but I've got to know, that wasn't you with the chick and the beagle, was it? If so, I take back my offer of the Caribbean.


I have been a slave to my desires. I have been torn between the two best Wordsmiths of the Web, Treacher and Burge. Treacher was tugging on my heart strings with that eloquent tweet regarding tea-bagging Ron Howard, Danny Bonaduce, and Carrot-Top. Burge,with his lovely parody of Chris Buc, uhm tales aboard the SS Conservatism, *sigh*. What's a girl to do? Then lo and behold! Treacher drops the bombshell! Not only is Burge a Wordsmith of the Web, He is Cocksure! Evidently with a big one! I will be making plans for a rendezvous in the Caribbean, posthaste.

Happy Iowahawk Day!

Love ya lots, enjoy a Valu-rite for me.

Di Butler
Atl, GA


We need some lace wigs arround here...

Attila Girl

Ooh, Nice, Dan--a little Matt Arnold is always a fine thing on a Sunday afternoon.

And as you can see, I've decided that one day isn't long enough to appreciate Iowahawk--no. It must be an entire weekend.

Sorry, Dave: I didn't get all the way through your list of approved beverages, and it wouldn't have mattered. It's bloody Marys tonight (with good Russian vodka) and an early bedtime. Lots of work this coming week. Major deadlines.

And lots of love to you, your lovely wife, and your beautiful, mega-talented kids! (More links to their music, please.)

Dr Alice

Sorry I'm late posting I-Hawk, but I hope you had a wonderful, truly memorable day... except for the fact that you won't be able to remember it. (If your fan club did its job, that is.)

When you coming back to L.A.? I missed your visit the last time.


weee...weee....waitaminute...weoughta do thish every year.
Happy...You Day.


Lifting a margarita in your honor in San Diego!

Just wanted to say I am in awe of your literary prowess. Oh yeah, and that other prowess that Treacher mentioned!

Happy Iowahawk Day and many more!


I found some bedraggled gal with a cardboard sign that said "Will write poem for food." A whopper Jr. value meal with rings got you this heartfelt tribute .
Thank you for the laughter you bring.
“Praise Song for the Iowahawk Day"
By Elizabeth Alexander

Each 'acceptable beverage',that,
You'll be heaving after dark
Is contained in every carport 'frige' at the
Lakewood Mobile Home Park.

Spiny Norman

It's about damn time for a National Iowahawk Day.

Can I bring the store brand whiskey?

For a band, it ought to be something like a ZZ Top cover band. Perferably one that's only passable. A good one would want to be paid real money and after the first set, I don't think anyone would care if they were any good.


What, no band?


I'm taking time off from beaverblogging to salute the Iowahawk in all his glory!

Jim Treacher

Here's my recipe:

"The Treach"

1 bottle of any sort of alcohol

Drink. Drink until there is no more. Then get more. Repeat until death.


I would share a plate of lefse with you anytime.

Confederate Yankee

Well, if we're going to do alcoholic recipes, I'll pass along one I concocted at the ripe old age of 17 that was infamous enough to put me (no shit) on a tee shirt making it (Dan, Burge, etc can find a picture of it on Facebook).


1 fifth of Everclear
1 pint of Jim Beam
dozen oranges
4 grapefruit
dozen apples
watermelon balls
whatever other fruit you like
five gallons of gatorade (forgot which flavor, but probably fruit punch, I think)



cut up fruit.

put in gallon ziplock bags with Everclear (as many as needed, disperse all Everclear evenly).

soak for a week in the fridge, turning every day to evenly disperse. don't worry about discoloration.

dump gatorade and Jim Beam into a medium size cooler or small plastic trash can, with ice.

Add Everclear/Fruit mixture after making sure nobody nearby has an open flame or cigarette.

Mix well with rusty tire iron from 1980 Pontiac Lemans. When rust has been removed from the tire iron, the beverage is complete.

Limit consumers to 2 beverages, or 1 cup of cut fruit, as manslaughter by alcohol poisoning is illegal, and probably bad etiquette.

Do not expose to open flame.

Do not set watermelon alight. It stinks a lot worse than you'd think.

Dispose of any leftovers in a trench and cover.

Throw away cooler.


Jager's for pussies. Drink some god damned American whiskey (makers mark preferably) for christs sake and leave that kraut deer piss to the eurotrash.


I recommend you add Fred Sanford's favorite beverage to your acceptable beverage list, Iowahawk. That would be Champipple. You know, a mind-numbing mixture of ginger ale and Ripple. Fits right in with your other crème de la crème rotgut.

Thanks much for your acerbic, uproariously funny satire.

Tex Lovera

Damn, I'd move to Chicago just to be able to par-tay with the Hawkster on NID version 1.0. And that's a lot for this Texan to admit.

Shiner Bock all around...


What the fuck? No Guinness on the list?

Here in Nashville we are celebrating National Iowahawk Day with Guinness and Jager.

Happy Iowahawk Day kids! I wish I could be in Chitown with you guys...

Bill D. Cat

Pretty soon , the sun's 'goona go down ...... I'm expecting things to get weird then .


Damn, I thought this was an animal porn site...


"Dammit, I STILL want to hear the story of why you got banned from Lucianne."

If you really gotta know, I got all liquored up one nite an' kilt three men there with a pool cue. I ain't prouda it, and Lord knows I'ma be haunted the resta my days by them five little children walkin' around the internet without their daddies. But they was aksin' for it, they had me cornered with all them hyperlinks to GNP growth estimates and such.

No, actually I posted a jpg on a thread without permission. I was told I could return when I apologized. They are still waiting on the apology.

N. O'Brain

Dammit, I STILL want to hear the story of why you got banned from Lucianne.

And the Pennsylvania beer has to be Yuengling lager.

Got a case chilling in the trunk of my car right now.

David Burge

As it so happens, my mother is also simple.

For you mixologists, here's my favorite cocktail (old fambly recipe)


12 pints Everclear
8 bottles Night Train fortified wine
1 case Olde English 800 malt liquor
8 packets kiwi watermelon Koolaid
4 5 lb. bags of Redi Ice

Mix contents in clean 20 gallon Rubbermaid lawn & leaf garbage container, diluting with garden hose. Garnish with Krispy Kreme glazed donuts.

Jim Treacher

Great, now I have to go out and get some more beer. All I got's this six of Simpler Times. Cheap but strong, reminiscent of your mother.



Because I have standards.

Grain Belt
Night Train
Old Style
Peppermint Schnapps
Pabst Blue Ribbon
Colt 45
DAB (for those coming to the Chicago meetup)
Oly, Rainier (West Coast)
Iron City, Natty Bo (East Coast)
Pearl, Jax, Lone Star, Shiner (South)
Valu-Rite Vodka (for Ace of Spades Moroncorpsmen)
Mad Dog 20/20 (for LGF Neocons)


Jersey: you should take a detour south on Highway 28, that way you can take Lurleen to Climax. When you get to Toledo, head north to I-94 west in Michigan so you can take Lurleen to another Climax.

It adds a couple hours to the drive but Lurleen will thank you.

Bill D. Cat

You had me at Fear and Loathing in the Mystery Machine.......


"Now is the time for all good conservative helmsmen to hoist the mizzen, pour the cocktails, and steer this damned schooner hard starboard."

Dare I say, that might be an improvement on the original.

Jersey Escapee

Well I got that water pump replaced and back on the road but I started overheating after another 100 miles or so. I'm here at Denny's Beer Barrel Pub‎ right off I80 in good ol' Clearfield PA. It's not too bad here, though, one of the locals offered me a '95 Dodge Ram pulling a 14 foot '94 Bayliner Reflexx Jet Boat (with 90hp Mercury SportJet!) for my overheated Chevelle. I might go for it, Lurleen behind the bar says she'll show me a nice local lake come summer time, and it might just be the beer talking, but I think she may look pretty good in a bikini. Hope I have better luck making it out that way next National Iowahawk Day.

Brooks Rossington Frumdreher III

Burgie, old boy! Splendid day with these intertubes, wot? And well deserved, I must say, after all those years of your behind-the-scenes work with Coddy at the Topsider. Some of the young chaps at the Young Centrists Leadership Council are working hard to develop an Outsourced Citizenship Centrist Outreach, in order to bring on board the moderate bandwagon such foreign fellows as Sully and Ramesh and especially Sanchez the pool boy.

Chin up! All the best from Muffy and me!

-- Brooksie (AB, Yale '51)


Will drinks be delivered by Hoosegow Honeys from months past? Nothing says "Iowahawk Day" better than hot babes on work release spilling booze on their ankle bracelets!

Dan Collins

Dan Collins

Hawkie! Old Boy!

Dan Collins

Now, it is true that he'd read TNR in a fairly good translation, and caught the bitter allusion to Beauchamp in the sand . . .


Win a bar fight for me, baby! The aphrodisiac affects of your last bout of manliness has worn off. I. Need. More. Iowahawk.

Jim Treacher

Roses are red
Violets ain't
Burge slings knowledge
Like Picasso slung paint

vivian Louise

Oh, Great Master Mocker of Mockable things!
We who are left holding our stomachs and wiping coffee splatters off our screens salute you!

Damian G.

Happy Iowahawk day! W000000T!!!


With all the trouble we've now seen
We're in a sticky wicket
Obama picked Biden instead of Goldstein
We picked the wrong fucking ticket


Uh oh, hide grandma and the kids. But seriously, this is the best thing to happen in Chicagoland since the last time Barack Obama had stomach flu. Yes, that was serious.


Jim Treacher is America's greatest poet.


Your blog makes me hurt in the head area.


You write pretty good.


Meier's, eh?

Tater Tots and German Beer.

Ambrosia through the nose, if I get told any funnies.


Sheeesh, Dave, Smoooooches from Clarice?

After that, who needs the two Freedom Medals bestowed on you by Bush and Obama.

Jim Treacher

I have composed a poem to commemorate the occasion:

Has a big cock


Iowahawk gives me writer’s block.
What can be writ that can match his wit.


Burge is my choice and not my compulsion
His saws and his hooks are like calgon emulsion

I’ll read him forever and laugh til I’m blue
I’m stuck to his pages like glitter on glue

Still I’m struck stupid beside his great powers
A bad clerihew, now I’m off to the showers.


The tallest building in the world is named after Iowahawk, but they didn't spell it right.

The Burj Dubai Tower


Don't do me like that Linda. Daddy told you he had to go to Chicago and shake down some suckers for cash.

I'll stop by the I-80 Plus Size Lingerie Outlet in Moline on the way home and pick you out something pretty.

Linda Mustaine

Chicago? Baby, we had a date tonight--you was gonna take me to the Coral Ridge Mall for some sweet-n-sour pork at the Panda Express! I even gotchoo a six-pack of Natural Light in the fridge!


Chuck Norris doesn't make jokes, he just reads off of Iowahawk.

Jersey Escapee

I live in Dirty Jersey, but decided at 3AM today to come out to Meier's and join up for the celebration. Quick glance says it's only a 12-hour ride, so I hopped in the '69 Chevelle and headed west out I80, wasn't too long before I crossed the PA state line. Not too long after, dammit! Water pump locked up and threw all my belts! So now I sit here at Kress Auto Recyclers in West Hazleton ... jumped behind the desk and got on the 'puter to see how National Iowahawk Day is progressing. Ah crap, here comes the mutant parts jockey and his 3-legged dog back from the 'yard ... hope he's got my part, but looks like he's carrying something that doesn't look like any small block Chevy water pump I ever saw ... gotta run, more later.


So awesome.


Let me just say, as a recipient of a personalized Beer Fund thank you email, that the sense of honor, the warmth of breast, the sheer awe... never subsides.

Dan Collins

Then Mom asked, "If David Burge jumped off a bridge, would you, too?"

And I said, "Yeah."

And then she smacked the smirk offa my face.

Tricia Grannis

Thank you for sharing your talent. You, sir, are one person who can never be "too awesome". Cheers!


Just want to say hi.

Rick Moore

I am humbled just to be able to read Iowahawk and be linked upon its pages. I'm not worthy.


Your task, today, should you choose to assume it, it to outfit TurboTax Timmy with jet pack propulsion.


Dear Dave, I think my husband has been snooping around in my hard drive and the jig may be up, but while I still have a moment of freedom I want you to know I LOVE YOU MAN, and I don't care who knows it.
Happy Iowahawk Day to one of the world's greatest wits.

Meryl Yourish

I will never forget the time when Iowahawk rescued me from a burning building. There I was, leaning out the second story window, screaming "Help! Help!" when who should come by but Iowahawk?

"I'll save you, Ma'am," he said calmly, and proceeded to rip off his sleeve, tie it about his face for a smoke mask, run through the burning building, find me through the smoke, catch me just as I was about to pass out from smoke inhalation, and bring me to the ambulance that he called on the way into the burning building.

And THEN he went back in and rescued my cat.

Iowahawk. My hero.


Aw shux.

Here's the Chicagoland coordinates for tonite:

Meier's Tavern
235 E Lake Ave


B there or B [ ]


Who is this guy?


I'm so honored - Iowahawk Day is on my birthday! Wish I could come to Chicago - I'd rather celebrate your day than mine. Happy happy!

Sissy Willis

Wish you could join us here in Darkest Taxachusetts for après spree! A fresh batch of Beef Stew from my Experimental Kitchens is even now stewing in its own juices in your name. Is the sun over the yardarm yet?


Aw, man, I so wished I lived in Illinois.

No, wait, I don't.

Have a blast, everyone!


I remember the night Iowahawk and I danced, in my post Iowahawk and the Shark Pit of Doom


"Dude you’re totally talking to the Doritos."

It happens sometimes - if you are chosen as The One.


You deserve so much more than a mere tribute or day. Your greatness cannot even be properly recognized in week's time. But a fortnight will probably work.


I tip my 400 cubic inch cylinder beer mug back in your honor.

Son of the South

Happy Me Day, Dave! Wish I could make the Windy City festivities, but have no excuse other than Nancy Pelosi's ugliness.

Beer up, my good man, and send me the bill. SoS


But I am SO worthy of some Leinie's. I'll be hitting that at 5:00 pm CST, just about the time y'all are arriving. Cheers!!!


Lest any of you get outsized notions of our relevence in these august proceedings, let it be said now: We are not worthy.


"Ace and PW minions posting comments for a couple days at the same place? What could possibly go wrong?"
What could go wrong? You could get some HotAirians to join in. That's what. Let this serve as your official content warning!

The Den Mother

"A posture of reFerence?" Evidently my awe of Iowahawk renders me not only speechless but stupid. Make that reVerence. I certainly didn't intend to drop an F-bomb on this most holy of days.

The Den Mother

My awe of Iowahawk renders me speechless. So I'll just sit here, assume a posture of reference, and stare at my computer screen all day. And this evening, whilst the lucky ones are enjoying the company of The Great One, I'll be here in the People's Republic of Massachusetts enjoying a tater tot in his honor.


Van Voorhees VII's yacht is in range - too close for missiles, switching to guns.

Best to ya' Hawk - we'll quaff one in Nashvegas in your honor!



The thing that stands out in my mind, the thing that really gets me about him and makes me all choked-up and misty-eyed is his philanthropy, his deep and fundamental decency as a human being. He completes me. He makes me want to be a better person. "That's not a hot-rod, that's an Audrey Hepburn movie" kind of thing. I still remember the night he decided to found his Ministry to Troubled Women, popularly known as "Hoosegow Honeys."

I was driving my yellow Road Runner, and Dave was riding shotgun. Actually, we were doing shotguns, you know, where you put the lit end of the joint in your mouth and then blow a big stream of smoke into your partner's mouth while they inhale deeply. Dave burned his tongue, and as the raised-letter tires crunched across the gravel parking lot of the Caribbean Club in Key Largo, he was spitting ash and cursing a blue streak. I was laughing my ass off.

Inside, I could tell something was going on in that magnanimous mind of his. He wasn't talking, and at first I didn't think that was too odd, since he had just burned his tongue on a red-hot doober. But he just sat there at the bar trying to balance his Ballentine coaster on its edge, over and over, until he finally flung it away in frustration like some mini-frisbee. Then he took a big swig from his mug, and just sat there with beer foam covering his mustache. Now, you have to understand, Dave never does this. Never. He has a very long tongue, and a very elaborate routine for cleaning beer foam from his facial hair. He sticks his tongue out the right side of his mouth first, and then very slowly and deliberately moves it from right to left across his face, thoroughly removing every last trace of foam. Like a big red windshield wiper.

Not this time. He just sat there with his mustache covered with beer foam, looking like John Bolton, or the "Got Milk?" billboards. I chalked it up again to the burnt tongue, but then he blurted out "I want to help incartherated women." He was lisping a bit, due to the dime-sized blister on the tip of his tongue, but I got the drift. "How many do you think there are?" I asked, trying to draw him out from his pensive silence. He just shook his head moodily and looked down at the bar rail through those enormous aviator glasses. "Caged pulchritude," he said, his voice breaking a little...."I think it'th tho thad."

On that night, Iowahawk added "Community Organizer" to his Buckeroo Banzai-like resume: Writer, racer, mechanic, musician, helper of troubled women. He called his program "Hoosegow Honeys"---(well, he called it "Hoothgow Honeyth" at first, because of the blister), and it has since helped scores of attractive, troubled young women gain exposure around the world---a sort of "Craig's List for Criminals." Many of these troubled young women have gone on to gainful employment in such places as Amsterdam, Thailand, and the Arab Emirates. Bravo, Dave, bravo. Happy Iowahawk deserve it more than anyone else.


History is bloated with stories about Iowahawk. We've all heard how he once got expelled from the library for masticating loudly while reading a National Geographic. Or the bogus claim that he was a philatelist who once jammed a vibraphone into a manhole. And remember when he showed up on TV wearing that t-shirt -- the one emblazoned with the giant piebald quincunx? Good times!

But Iowahawk Day is really about the personal stories you haven't heard. And believe me, I have tons of those. Like the time he sold his soul to the devil in Mississippi, and the devil demanded a refund. "It's all shriveled and flaccid," Satan blubbered. (How could he not see that coming?)

Another gem was the time 'Hawk mailed Congress this trillion-dollar spending bill as a joke. He made it over a thousand pages long so no one could possibly read it. That way, he could sneak a bunch of stupid shit into it just for laughs. My favorite part was the billion dollars he set aside for Jockstrap Research in West Virginia. "Gird your loins indeed!" he kept telling me. It was pretty funny, but not nearly as funny as when they fell for it and signed the bloody thing. Ah well, no harm done.

But not all of 'Hawk's stories involve such hijinks. You may not believe it, but he's amassed some notable achievements. Like the time he broke the three-minute mile. Or when he coined the term "douchebag." Or even better, when he gave free singing lessons to a no-talent truck-driving Memphis hillbilly named Elvis A. Presley. Yes, Iowahawk's that rare kind of genius.

Still, my favorite memories are the quiet times. Just 'Hawk and me watching the sun rise, passed out on someone's front lawn. The local constabulary who would graciously help us to our feet and kindly give us a place to rest our tired, marinated bones. I recall fondly those peaceful rides to the county jail. While spartan, our cells were always adequate -- cots, blankets, stainless commodes, and exceedingly slippery soap. I can almost smell the fresh apparel, the tasty comestibles, the cavity searches. But most of all, I remember 'Hawk, reclining peacefully on the frosty ground, his face glistening with a steaming patina of his own vomit. This scene plays out repeatedly in my memories, just as it did in real life.

Happy You Day, you magnificent bastard!


Houston, Texas

Johnny I with the East View

Friday the 13th, how fitting. And followed by Steak and a BJ Day, take that St. Valentine!


Ace and PW minions posting comments for a couple days at the same place? What could possibly go wrong?

Michael Alexis

Bring on the Hoosegow Honeys!

Ramesh the Outsourced Comment Troll

Troublesome Burge! Why have you been so honoured? By the many arms of Shiva, I am unable to find amusement in your poorly written japery and tiresome antics! Perhaps you should endeavor to leave the comfort of your mother's basement!

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