Ah, January... when all the world's abuzz about the awards and nominees, and the nominators who nominate them, and the awarders who award them. Not to mention the inevitable celebrity feuds, catty backstabbing and shameless studio campaigns that provide another rich layer of drama to the spectacle. The Oscars? Of course not! I'm talking about the most coveted media prize on the planet: the Bloggie Award Thingy.
Unfortunately, there is a dark side to the Awards Week glitter of Pixeltown. For every winner of Best Canadian Pet Grooming Site, or Best Mid-Low-Major Blog With Moon in Scorpio, there will be millions of losers. After the gift baskets are distributed and the red carpet rolled up, you will find these broken souls in a private VIP booth at the Viper Club, face-down in mountain of cocaine, angrily muttering about the injustice of it all.
I hear your, tortured blogosphere artists. But take heart, for The International Center for Extreme Internet Excellence has just named your site as 2008 International Blog of the Year!
As a token of this prestigious honor, please accept this distinctive genuine synthetic golden jpeg proclaiming your site's historic achievement. Feel free to proudly display on your sidebar, print out as a handsome medallion, or perhaps tattoo it on your neck. And, as an official inductee into this elite club of winners, you have been officially deputized by the ICEIE to regift this fabulous award to any other blogger you deem worthy. You have been entrusted with an awesome power, so please exercise responsibly.
On behalf of the entire ICEIE, let me extend our sincere congratulations. Feel free to add your acceptance speech in the comments!
All the good acceptance speech jokes are taken at this point. So are all the good post-acceptance speech drugs. Give me money.
Posted by: J Foster | January 27, 2009 at 09:39 PM
This award is for people who actually have blogs, and that ain't fair. I grew up in a poor family in the Reagan era of trickle down greed. My family couldn't even afford a pencil and notepad let alone a Timex Sinclair 1000. Because of that, my access to computers was cut off when I needed it most, and I never got the skills to make a blog. I don't have one. But if I did, it'd be a swell one. Definitely award-winning. So why am I being disrespected and discriminated against?
Posted by: Kendall Craig | January 18, 2009 at 09:17 AM
"The sporto's, the motor heads, geeks, sluts, bloods, wast-oids, dweebies, dickheads they all adore him, they think he's a righteous dude."
Posted by: sabbott | January 14, 2009 at 05:33 AM
I feel like I'm walking on air. I can't believe it. Pinch me! I like me, I really like me.
Posted by: Judith | January 13, 2009 at 08:03 PM
I'd like to thank myself, without whom this would never have been possible!
Oh, and all my readers can suck it!
Posted by: Mr. Right | January 12, 2009 at 06:38 PM
you like me. you really like me.
Posted by: Pappy | January 11, 2009 at 10:30 PM
Would you like to leave me your home phone number?
Posted by: Hannibal Lectern | January 11, 2009 at 08:36 PM
I will not accept an award from anybody who would give me an award.
Posted by: Alan Kellogg | January 10, 2009 at 10:30 PM
Everybody wins!
So special. Like those olympics.
Posted by: Michael Rittenhouse | January 10, 2009 at 09:57 PM
What a great week! Yesterday I was notified by email that I'd won a Belgian lottery, too! 2009 is going to be a great year.
Posted by: Assistant Village Idiot | January 10, 2009 at 07:51 PM
For all of you who said I'd never amount to anything...HAH! Thanks for this prestigious award Mr. Iowahawk.
Posted by: Nigel | January 10, 2009 at 05:27 PM
synthetic gold?..harumf..I demand 18k or higher..I'll wait....heh
Posted by: Angel | January 10, 2009 at 04:55 PM
It's an honor just to be nominated instead of the people who really deserve it.
Posted by: Jim Treacher | January 10, 2009 at 03:28 PM
You're funny, if you didn't know it already!
Posted by: Americaneocon | January 10, 2009 at 02:17 PM
I haven't had an orthodox career, and I've wanted more than anything to have your respect. The first time I didn't feel it, but this time I feel it, and I can't deny the fact that you like me, right now, you like me.
Posted by: Sissy Willis | January 10, 2009 at 01:36 PM
Mine looked like sh*t when I printed it out! I want a refund!
Posted by: Son of the South | January 10, 2009 at 01:24 PM
Free Tibet!
Posted by: Paco | January 10, 2009 at 10:20 AM
When one is "awarded" one is made responsible for the future well-being of the bestower(s). Just break down the root word: "a_ward". A ward. Ward. You give me a ward. You are the ward. You want to be my ward. No thanks, Robin. Batman doesn't want you. Find someone else to crucify. I can eat 50 eggs.
Posted by: buddy larsen | January 10, 2009 at 08:59 AM
Aw shucks. We don't deserve it. Thanks so much.
(Pause for applause)
We could never have done it without Ma and Pa's support.
(Pause for applause)
Thank you,friends. We will treasure this moment always.
Posted by: Bird Dog | January 10, 2009 at 08:14 AM
Blog Awards!
I came to meet Enzyte Bob for Weiner Candy!
So...??
Awww...
Posted by: sabbott | January 10, 2009 at 06:16 AM
I'm sorry we have to break for a commercial could you speed it up a little?
These awards shows don't pay for themselves you know.
Have your people call my people, we'll do lunch.
Who was that? Do we know them?
Where's the limo?
Posted by: Slygrrr | January 09, 2009 at 09:48 PM
"Feel free to proudly display on your sidebar..."
Is this a DMCA sting?
Posted by: gs | January 09, 2009 at 08:16 PM
As much as I would like to accept this honor...until the evil BushHitler and Halliburtin have been displaced from the land and we have healed global war...hey...someone turn the damn mike back on right now or I'm gonna get really really mad!!!
Posted by: sabbott, mound mn | January 09, 2009 at 04:12 PM
Does this mean I hafta get a blog?
Seems like a lot of effort for not much return.
Posted by: ed in texas | January 09, 2009 at 02:48 PM
I squawked at every site that would listen (oh? nobody read any of my complaints?) that a "Best Humor Blog" competition that failed to include Iowahawk is akin to a Best Female Underthings contest with no option to choose Edible Crotchless Panties (Mountain Dew flavor)!
Bah to them, sir! Bah, I say! Iowahawk rules!
Posted by: Fred Pennsylvania | January 09, 2009 at 02:19 PM
I will place this right next to my 2006 Time Person of the Year award.
Posted by: CGHill | January 09, 2009 at 01:40 PM
It's about damn time I got some recognition!
Posted by: michael | January 09, 2009 at 12:12 PM
At last! You like me, you really like me!!
I accept this award for the finest blog in the "Tiny Mitochondria Spot on A Less Than Insignifigant Microbe In The TTLB Ecosystem" category.
It was a tough battle with the "Eskimo Ice Cube Salesmens' Blog " and the "Al Gore's Topless Beach Vacation Photo Gallery", I'm so proud.
If you're like me (and I know I am) there can only be a few million winners of this award and I'm certainly one. King Of The World!!!
Posted by: Terry_Jim | January 09, 2009 at 04:35 AM
Aww shucks. So proud I might as well shamelessly link whore.
Posted by: bingbing | January 09, 2009 at 03:42 AM
How do you tatto a JPG on your neck? Does HP have a tattojet or something to print it with?
Posted by: zmdavid | January 08, 2009 at 11:59 PM
Why am I always the last friggin' idiot to know I suck so bad I get to share this award with anyone not named Iowahawk? Cutting into my wrists now with a paper knife so dull my kids have already traded it for a school art project to be named later (or Barry Bonds, whichever shows up for work first).
Posted by: Dr. Dave | January 08, 2009 at 11:42 PM
I wish to thank all the little people.
But I can't bring myself to do it.
Anyway, there were no little people.
The genius, the wit, the expertise, the research, the server repair, the hard, hard work was mine! All mine!!
Posted by: Harry Bergeron | January 08, 2009 at 11:42 PM
This award is greatly appreciated, especially after my blog came in third place in an awards ceremony created by me specifically to give myself an award, despite me being the only voting member of the awards committee. Failure is a mistress I know all too well, but now I have a mistress from my mistress in this ICEIE award. Kudos to me!
Posted by: Jill Hater | January 08, 2009 at 11:37 PM
OHmiGod!
(Fans face, kvelling)
Me!?!
(Dashes up the sidebar, stopping to shake hands with The Quote From Spongeworthy)
I AM the world! (Full face in the camera at the foot of the stage)
Hawky DAHLING!
(Air kisses iMac).
I'd like to thank my fat butt, who supported me without question during all those long-long nights as I GAVE MY ALL (interrupted by applause) to raising awareness of seminaked ladies and videos of guys getting hit in the nards.
This is for REYNOLDS!
Posted by: JBD | January 08, 2009 at 11:30 PM
.....aaaaaachoooo.....(large cloud of white powdered substance fills the room).....
Posted by: average_guy | January 08, 2009 at 11:16 PM
sob......sob....sob......I'm speechless...
Posted by: average_guy | January 08, 2009 at 11:13 PM
It's all well and good to create awards for internationally established bloggers, but what about an award for those too lazy to create/host/maintain a blog of their own, but are skillful in dumbing the work of others down in the Comments section? We need a Blog Commenters award, dammit.
Most Annoying Troll
Most Posts while Intoxicated
Most Fearful of Punctuation
Greatest inability to use adverbs
Most dreadful fatality while posting a comment
I shall now nominate myself as Longest Post on this Thread with no Apparent Reason Other than to Amuse Myself.
Posted by: pistolero | January 08, 2009 at 10:34 PM
What's a blog.
Posted by: HW | January 08, 2009 at 07:47 PM
I knew there was a demand for top-flight Joe Biden stories out there, though up until now, it hasn't been evident. On behalf of all the hard-working contributors to http://joetheveep.blogspot.com, I proudly accept this award.
Posted by: JTV | January 08, 2009 at 07:35 PM
I'm handing out awards for non-bloggers!
I just took a bow.
I couldn't have done it without the one and only Grand Master: Iowahawk.
Posted by: Jimmy | January 08, 2009 at 07:26 PM
Yeah, uh, am I supposed to actually thank someone? I deserved this award. I did all the work, I posted all the insane ramblings, I wasted those characters myself.
Oh, thanks to Blogger for letting me have a site for free, too.
Y'all should be ashamed for making me wait this damn long for an award. Who is buying drinks for the WINNAH?!?!?!
Posted by: Two Dogs | January 08, 2009 at 06:49 PM
I ate the last award.
Posted by: Hannibal Lectern | January 08, 2009 at 06:30 PM
Yo, this award is rigged!!
Posted by: Kanye West | January 08, 2009 at 05:33 PM
I wish I could win any kind of award. I must be the least awarded blogger on the Internet.
Funny post, of course, but you already knew that.
Posted by: Daniel Ruwe | January 08, 2009 at 05:27 PM
Suck it, Kathy Griffin!
Posted by: CaptainVictory | January 08, 2009 at 05:21 PM