I file my 2009 Annual Report Early
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JANUARY
Barack Obama makes history as the first African-American sworn in as President of the United States; Invoking legacy of Franklin Roosevelt, promises America “nine years of economic depression, four years of world war, eventual nuking of Japan”
Obama supporters left disappointed as oceans remain at static levels, planet fails to heal self, Dow drops below zero
FEBRUARY
Winless Detroit Lions score an upset victory in NFL Super Bowl thanks to secret clause in U.S. auto industry bailout plan; jubilant Detroit fans go on celebratory 5-day citywide arson rampage, resulting in almost $12 in property damage
Big surprise at the Oscars as Heath Ledger returns from grave to accept Oscar for “Joker” role in Dark Knight, orders clown-masked henchmen to open fire on Hollywood A-listers; “The ultimate method actor,” gushes mortally wounded Sean Penn
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Exerpt! Read the rest at my my favorite British hangout, Anorak
