First some bad news: the Electoral College votes have been counted and certified, and the Supreme Court had not returned my voice mails about Barack Obama's birth certificate. According to my campaign manager Kyle, continuing my presidential campaign at this point would likely be futile and make a severe dent in my beer budget. So, sadly, I must officially concede defeat, and congratulate President-Elect Obama on a hard fought upset victory.
I know that many of you are heartbroken by this announcement, but please don't despair. There is a glittery silver lining to this cloud: Mr. Obama's election has freed up an actual slot in the United States Senate for some lucky Illinois citizen - like, say, Dave Burge.
That's right! I may be Iowan by birth, but I am also a 100% certified legal resident of the state of Illinois with an 11 year dossier of unpaid parking tickets and traffic school receipts to prove it. I meet all the minimum Constitutional requirements, and have never had a felony conviction stand up on appeal. Thus, I am happy to announce my immediate availability as the next US Senator from the Land of Lincoln.
The sweetest part of this whole deal? Unlike the Presidential race, getting the US Senate gig doesn't require a boring and expensive three year campaign and 60 million votes. In fact it only requires getting one vote -- from Illinois' handsome and dynamic young governor, "Hot Rod" Blagojevich. But I will need your help to convince the Governor to appoint me before he is distracted by further indictments and/or impeachments.
I know there might be skeptics out there who question whether I am ready for this responsibility. That's why I am happy to present the case for Illinois Senator Burge:
Qualifications
While I may have never worked in freelance undercover airport security or in uniformed civic organizations like some U.S. Senators, I have a track record far superior to many others angling for a Senate job. For example, consider my qualifications compared to Caroline Kennedy: I have three alcoholic uncles who have escaped sinking Oldsmobiles. Hell, I was driving twice.
Integrity
Recent high dollar "pay-to-play" scandals have shaken America's confidence in its legislative institutions, and I am committed to restoring the public trust. Given my current financial situation, you can be assured that I will shell out no more that $1200 for my Senate seat, $1500 tops. Okay, maybe I'll throw in an '84 Camaro front clip, but that's it.
Bipartisanship
Restoring America's greatness will take a united bipartisan effort between Republicans and Democrats. As Senator, I will reach across the aisle and/or under the table to all my colleagues, regardless of party, to hammer out some killer secret greatness-restoring deals. I will also work together with Senate majority and minority leaders to make sure none of those other assholes gets an unfair cut of all that American greatness we will be restoring.
You may be asking yourself, "why would Dave lower himself to run for the Senate after he was a hair breadth from the presidency?" Sure, the perks don't match the White House, but membership in the World's Greatest Deliberative Body is nothing to sneeze at. The two hundred grand salary might be half of what I'd be pulling in at the Oval Office, but it's a decent raise over the workman's comp I'm collecting from Domino's. And if I'm willing to lower my expectations, shouldn't you? Please sign the following petition to Governor Blagojevich in the comments section, and let's get the good times rolling again.
Oh, and Caroline Kennedy? Call me, babe.
******************************************************
Governor Rod Blagojevich
Illinois Statehouse
Springfield, Illinois
Yo Rod:
As Illinois citizens, as far as you know, we the undersigned strongly encourage you to appoint David R. Burge of Chicago as United States Senator for the State of Illinois. Mr. Burge will work tirelessly to promote the interests of the people of Illinois, and pull whatever strings are necessary to keep your ass out of the Illinois Governor Wing at Marion Federal Pen. Let's face it, Rod: you're running out of options and Dave is your only hope. Please act now, before the Feds bust down your door.
Sincerely,
More & more people know that Blog are goods for every one where we can get more knowledge nice job keep it up !!!
Posted by: male enhancement | January 04, 2009 at 01:51 AM
Dear Rod,
as a ribit-esident of the State of Illinois, or at least the state of illin, I sign here to ensure Burge takes his rightful place in the US Senate.
Oh. and could you send more flies?
Posted by: Kelly the Frog | December 28, 2008 at 04:56 PM
Help me. I've added this sick place to my favorites.
Posted by: George | December 25, 2008 at 12:08 PM
Senor Burge:
I contacted the Governor of Illinois as you urged and, surprisingly, he replied by text message. Unfortunately, he indicated that the price was not right and asked if you couldn't lean on your suppoters for an increase.
Sincerely,
Rufus T. Firefly
Posted by: josil | December 21, 2008 at 02:01 AM
Rod:
Let's "Surge with Burge."
Illinois could do a lot worse. Look who he'll be replacing.
HW
Posted by: HW | December 20, 2008 at 01:44 PM
Gov Rod,
The meatloaf here is fantastic. Save you some.
Posted by: OJ Simpson | December 18, 2008 at 12:34 PM
Hey Rod,
Please appoint Mr. Burge to Barry's old seat. Just think of it as step #2 down the road towards your insanity defense.
Sincerely,
Johann Gambolputty de von Ausfernschplenden-schlitter-crasscrenbon-fried-digger-dangle-dongle-dungle-burstein-von-knacker-thrasher-apple-banger-horowitz-ticolensic-grander-knotty-spelltinkle-grandlich-grumblemeyer-spelterwasser-kurstlich-himbleeisen-bahnwagen-gutenabend-bitte-ein-nürnburger-bratwurstle-gerspurten-mit-tzwei-macheluber-hundsfut-gumberaber-shoenendanker-kalbsfleisch-mittler-aucher von Hautkopft of Ulm....um I mean...of Peoria.
Posted by: Rich Horton of Ulm | December 18, 2008 at 11:02 AM
Yo Boyobitch, Prove you're not a retarded commie sack of crap with an ugly cow for a wife and appoint Burge.
Then you'll just be a commie sack of crap with an ugly cow for a wife. But you will prove that you are at least one IQ point above "retarded".
Posted by: Exile | December 18, 2008 at 10:31 AM
Oh, and another thing:
http://eclectech.co.uk/mindcontrol.php
Posted by: Professor Jonathan | December 18, 2008 at 10:19 AM
You're becoming indecently funny, Burge.
Posted by: Professor Jonathan | December 18, 2008 at 10:18 AM
Governor, I urge for Burge to rub your butt. Marion mansion will positively beam to have you lubed up by a professional--preserves social cohesion, you know.
Marek, Berlin, Germ..., er, Sangamon, IL
Posted by: M. Moehling | December 17, 2008 at 11:36 PM
Down heah in NAwlins, we laugh orselfs silly bout you shithed small-thinkin nothen pissants. Put Burge in ther, and bring some real can-do whup-ass on the job.
Oh, an I live in Illanois. Now.
.
Posted by: D Wayne Vermeil | December 17, 2008 at 10:15 PM
So, your not concerned about "the taint"? Haha.
I, the undersigned, do hereby and so forth, yadda yadda.
Andrew Imnotputtingmylastnameontheinternet from "Illinois"
Posted by: Andrew | December 17, 2008 at 08:50 PM
Governor Blowoverbitch -- Appoint Dave. After all, this may be your last chance to stick it to the man before you become a human pin cushion for the boys in lockup. Don't let this limited opportunity pass you by.
Posted by: CaptainVictory | December 17, 2008 at 07:55 PM
Mr. Burge,
I too have decided to throw my bribe, er hat, in the ring for the U.S. Senate seat.
http://mcdonald2012.com/2008/12/17/pay-to-play/
If the incorruptible Governor turns down my request, you have my full support. Until then, may the best man be arbitrarily selected.
Respectfully,
Patrick McDonald
Posted by: Patrick McDonald | December 17, 2008 at 07:33 PM
Gov,
Da Burge is one heck ova swell guy. Give'im a shot. Whaddya say?
John
Posted by: John | December 17, 2008 at 06:16 PM
Dave Burge sent me an e-mail once, so he has to be qualified. I mean, that makes about as much sense as 'Sweet Caroline' being qualified...
SoS
Posted by: Son of the South | December 17, 2008 at 03:36 PM
We've been screwed so many times by Dick and Rod, we won't even notice dildo Dave. Burge '08!
By the way, can you name three Chicago streets that rhyme with "vagina"?
Paulina, Malvina, Lunt
Posted by: John in Morton Grove | December 17, 2008 at 03:21 PM
Dear Governor Blagojevich:
Your public image as the dynamic, young, good looking Governor of the Land of Lincoln has certainly taken a hit, but I'm confident that your appointment of Dave Burge to the Senate will help with that. While I can't speak for his youth, good lookingness or dynamism, I can say that his writing of satire is almost heavenly inspired so it could help at press time and during your hearings. How can anyone convict you if they are busy laughing so hard that coffee is shooting out their nose?
Respectfully,
Someone who is not a resident of Chicago
Posted by: Lady Cincinnatus | December 17, 2008 at 03:16 PM
If you can't do the time
Don't do the crime.
Dave Burge, sometimes known as IowaHawk, would be the funniest guy in Washington DC, which has a lot of funny guys.
Posted by: Ken Mueller | December 17, 2008 at 02:54 PM
I have flown over Illinois several times and can vouch for this Burge fella. I'm pretty sure he waved at the plane and that makes him a Man of The People.
Posted by: gary from jersey | December 17, 2008 at 02:47 PM
More Dick is good. Especially in the Senate.
-Robert (who doesn't live in Michigan)
Posted by: Robert | December 17, 2008 at 01:09 PM
Dear Blago:
To sweeten Dave's offer, I'll send you $20 for your re-election campaign if you appoint him. If you don't, I send you a pack of Kools when you're in the joint. Your choice.
Don't Drop the Soap,
Craig
Sioux City, er, Illinois
Posted by: CTM | December 17, 2008 at 11:06 AM
Dear Governor Blagojevich:
The appointment of Dave Burge to the US Senate seat vacated by Barack the Benevolent would truly be the jewel in the crown of your illustrious career in Illinois politics and unstinting public service.
Respectfully,
CB (not a resident of California)
Posted by: CB | December 17, 2008 at 10:14 AM
Durbin already equals Dick x 10.... so,
Burge for US Senate.... "The Anti-Dick"
Posted by: ronnie | December 17, 2008 at 09:37 AM
There's your bumper sticker: "Why settle for one Dick in the Senate."
Posted by: charliefreak | December 17, 2008 at 08:30 AM
With "Barack to Blago to Burge," Chicago will soon forget "Tinkers to Evers to Chance." Besides, with Burge as Senator, he can guarantee a Cub's World Series. Remember, Illinois can never have enough Dicks for their Senators.
Posted by: charliefreak | December 17, 2008 at 08:28 AM
Rod-ney, my man, Blogo, bro'!
Appoint this Burge fellow, and DO IT NOW!
Take the heat off me AND the O'Man, and that's good for you, too, IF you know what I mean. AND no one will ever have to know about that night in Peoria, know what I'm sayin'?
Your Special Brotha,
Rahm
Posted by: Harry Bergeron | December 17, 2008 at 01:49 AM
Yo Rod:
As a native of da grate state of Ellanoys, I support da honorable Dave Burge fa da Senate thing.
In closing, remember da motto a da city of big shoulders: "One fa all an all fa one, and fuck 'em if dey can't take a joke."
Sincerely
Rob
Posted by: Rob De Witt | December 17, 2008 at 12:44 AM
Dave, Dave, Dave,
You need to pay attention! Appointment in Illinois (my home state) requires juice. Let Rod know that you have 1,000,000 readers who will each donate $10 to his campaign defense fund and you will be in like Flinn!
Go for it!
Posted by: Mike Porter | December 17, 2008 at 12:14 AM
I, the undersigned wish to nominate David Burge to fill Barry's Senate Seat.
Mr. Burge, if appointed, would be the token conservative in the US Senate.
Appointing Mr. Burge would assure your place in history.
Think about it, Rod.
Sincerely,
average_guy
resident of the Land Of Lincoln for at least a couple of hours at O'hare once
Posted by: average_guy | December 16, 2008 at 09:54 PM
I will not give up on Burge for president.
Posted by: Melvin Sherwood | December 16, 2008 at 09:53 PM
Ok, congrats on your campaign for his esteemed position and all that, but aren't you forgetting something? Yes, that's right, a bumper sticker contest! How will the people of the great state of Illinois know about your effort to bring them honest representation if you fail to elicit the best campaign slogans from a bunch of guys with too much time on their hands? Once elected, how will you function in your new office without first naming an official Kick-backs and "Campaign Contributions" Coordinator- selected from the previously mentioned group? Obviously, you can't, so get to work!
Posted by: J. Brenner | December 16, 2008 at 09:35 PM
I'm there, Dave, if you grant me all the carbon credits into perpetuity as may be required to support my speed addiction, to the degree that you can earmark funds annually to support my desire to bring Formula One racing to the USA.
-Wanderlust
Posted by: Wanderlust | December 16, 2008 at 09:25 PM
First!
Oh, wait... dammit.
Posted by: Don | December 16, 2008 at 08:50 PM
I, the undersigned, support the appointment of Dave Burge to the position of United States Senator for the State of Illinois.
'Sides, just think how that'd tick off those yahoos who wouldn't pony up.
Posted by: aelfheld | December 16, 2008 at 08:01 PM
Dan Collins, who is not a resident of Vermont
Posted by: Dan Collins | December 16, 2008 at 07:58 PM
OK, I just fired off my signed petition to Rod, along with a check for $1,000,000.49, which is all I could afford. I'm not a citizen of Illinois, but I forwarded it through ACORN, so that should get the job done.
Thanks for offering yourself for the arduous task of public service.
Posted by: Tom Carter | December 16, 2008 at 07:53 PM
Dave: your influence is spreading:
Yahoo News
DES MOINES, Iowa – President-elect Barack Obama has selected former Iowa Gov. Tom Vilsack to become his agriculture secretary, according to Democratic officials familiar with the selection process.
With this much graft under your belt, you're a shoe-in for Gov of IL.
Posted by: Mark | December 16, 2008 at 06:55 PM
Dear Rod:
Do it now, and nobody gets hurt.
Sincerely,
Jeff
Los Angeles, Calif.... I mean, Illinois
Posted by: Boogie Man | December 16, 2008 at 06:55 PM
Killer satire Dave! Yourlast three posts, Blagojevich's EBay account, your 5 year retrospective, and Presi ... Senatorial bid are satirical genius.
Iowahawk: Speaking Satire to Power!
Keep up the good work,
AAA
Posted by: AnAverageAmerican | December 16, 2008 at 06:50 PM