SEATTLE -- Democratic Vice Presidential candidate Joe Biden promised a group of supporters Sunday that running mate Barack Obama "will absolutely 100% trigger a nuclear Armageddon kinda thing" within the first 20 minutes of his presidency, but added that "Barack Obama is looking forward to this apocalyptic opportunity to test his mettle, because he totally aced his LSATs."
"Mark my words," Biden promised at the Seattle fundraiser Sunday. "There will be an international crisis. The world will be looking. They'll say, hey, here is this handsome, clean, ar-ti-cu-late young president, not unlike a very, very tanned John Fitzgerald Kennedy, dancing at his inaugural ball with his beautiful wife who is not unlike a very very very extremely tanned Jackie. And our enemies will think, 'ba ha ha, look at how thees seely new Amerikanski preseedent dances so! Such skeels can only be from many years in zee dancing school, where theys do not teaching the toughness! Launch zee meesiles!' But these enemies are in for a big surprise. America's foes must never confuse Barack Obama's terrific dance floor moves with weakness -- because as an Afro-American African, Barack is a natural dancer."
"Listen, I can sit here all day and give you at least sixty or seventy scenarios from where it might originate," Biden said. "Iran, Russia, definitely France. India is a possibility because they have sleeper cells in all the 7-11s, and the Koreans with all their toxic dry cleaning chemicals. I wouldn't be surprised if Spain or Portugal started thinking, hey, ese, let's do a driveby and recolonize the New World."
"Make no mistake, it will be coming from all sides. Shpeew shpeew shpeew! buddda buddddaaa! Boossscchhhh," said Biden, pantomiming gun battles and mushroom clouds. "And there, standing in the middle of it will be Barack Obama -- cool, calm, clean, ar-ti-cu-late. And lemme tell ya, this guy smells fabulous. He's ready to lay down the international law and take back the mean geopolitical streets from the jive turkeys, like Shaft. Yeah, baby, you remember Shaft. Wokka chicka, wokka chicka. Who's the black dick who's a sex machine with all the chicks? Barack! Yeah, that Barack is one bad mutha... shut yo mouth! Hey I'm just takin' 'bout Barack. You can take that to the bank, sugar."
"Let me warn these folks who are American enemies -- don't let appearances deceive you," added Biden. "You might think, 'hey this guy looks like Urkel, let's steal his lunch money and give him a nuclear wedgie.' But guess what? He is another JFK. And just like JFK, Barack Obama has lots and lots of mob connections, so if you get any funny ideas, Mr. Nuclear Bully, President Urkel is gonna get on the hotline to Francis Albert Sinatra, and then let's see how you like losing you casino licenses and paving contracts."
"Haaappy Birrrthday, Mister President," purred Biden in a deft imitation of Marilyn Monroe.
"Now, that said, I want to easy your mind further," said the Senate Foreign Relations Committee Chaiman. "Right there along side Barack Obama, holding his hand through all these crises, will be me. Just like Bruce Lee, as Kato, faithfully serving the mysterious Black Hornet. Except for the mask and Chinese part. Ah so! No tickee, no shirtee! Obviously I've forgotten more about foreign policy than most of my colleagues know, especially Barack Obama, so I'm not being falsely humble with you. No brag, just fact. I've been there. I've created and resolved more international incidents than the rest of the Senate combined, so you can be assured that when America's enemies attack, I will bring my experience and 10th degree black belt in diplomatic chopsocky."
"Ching chow pow!" added Biden, demonstrating his point with several pantomime karate chops. He also issued a pointed warning to the government of Spain.
"Let me be blunt: if you think we will sit idly by while you land your mighty galleons at Boca Raton, and unleash your gleaming-helmeted conqustadores to enslave and convert our whiny retired Jewish-Florida-Americans - well, think again, Cortes. Hey mang, say helloo to my leetle fren'!" said Biden, spraying the room with pantomime machine gun fire.
Biden also warned the audience that the first days of the Obama administration would bring some inevitable disappointments.
"I'm not going to lie to you - it doesn't take a weatherman to know that hey, Mr. Tambourine Man, a hard rain is gonna fall, all along the watchtower," said the Delaware Senator, strumming on a pantomime guitar. "There will be a point -- maybe one week, maybe two weeks after the inauguration -- when the opinion polls will look bad. Really horribly bad. Despite our best efforts, a couple of mid-size cities will inevitably be vaporized. People will be complaining. 'Why are you nationalizing the Safeway?' 'When is Omaha going to stop glowing?' 'Why do the Chinese soldiers keep asking for my papers?' When this happens, we will need you to keep supporting us because, trust me, you really won't want to be observed not supporting us."
"But I promise you, if one of these inevitable nuclear attacks is, God forbid, successful, Barack Obama and I will conduct tough and open negotiations with our new overlords," said Biden. "Ol' Joe Biden learned how to negotiate at his dad's used car lot in Scranton PA, and if these overlords think they can swing some sort of lowball occupation deal, I'll just tell them 'I gotta go get my manager,' and then... boo-yeah! In comes Barack Obama to upsell them undercoating and extra exercise yard privileges for you and me."
After rubbing tapioca into his armpits and singing what appeared to be the Numa-Numa song, Biden mounted a Segway and crashed through a side door.
A spokesman for the Obama-Biden campaign later clarified the Senator's remarks, and urged reporters "not to take Senator Biden's words out of context."
When asked what context that was, the spokesman explained that "the Senator has massive brain damage."
