An Open Letter to Sarah Palin
By Wile E. Reporter
National Political Correspondent, MSNBCNNABS
(Medius Vulgaris)
*Knock Knock Knock*
Good afternoon, madam. Allow me to introduce myself: my name is Wile E. Reporter, investigative correspondent for an international network news gathering organization. No doubt you may have seen my award-winning coverage, assuming your igloo is equipped with a satellite dish. No, I am not selling anything nor am I working my way through college, so let's get down to cases. You are a Republican candidate, and I am going to eat you alive. Now don't try to get away! I am more educated, more cunning, faster, and larger than you are... and I'm a genius. In fact, I have not one, but two diplomas from the Acme Correspondence School of Journalism. And you? Why, you could hardly pass the entrance examinations to kindergarten, let alone the vice presidency of a major western democracy. Rather than suffer the inevitable torture of the vetting I am about to give you, I think you will agree that it's best for both of us that we save time and get this over with quickly. I will give you the customary two minutes to say your prayers, and take the "Eagleton option."
*SLAM*
Sigh. Why do they always want to do it the hard way?
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Doo-dee-doo-dee-doo... now where did I put that protractor? Ahh, here it is! Let me see... if the hypotenuse the parabola of a pregnant teenager... is inversely proportional to the approval ratings of the religious Right... then if I set the azimuth of the baby scandal catapult to 72.415 degrees, she'll be crushed as flat as her barren Alaskan tundra. Muwahahaha!
...Egads! I must say, sometimes I astonish even myself with my own genius!
And now, to bait the hook. Simply load in this explosive charge into the cup... unghhhh... pull the lever and...
SPROING
FLIPPFF
KROONFFFFCH
ow.
KERSPLOOOOWWWM
Wfwell, Backh to tphe oldl drawbling bloard.
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shlop shlop shlop
Think you can avoid me now, will you, eh? Well, Sarah Palin, my dear naive arctic hillbilly, little do you know that Wile E. Reporter buys ink - and glue - by the barrel! Ha! And once you are stuck in my my Acme religious extremism mucilage trap, that will be my cue to drop the piano case full of book-burning accusations!
HONK HONNNK
Mommy.
SHHHPLATTTZZ
FWEEEEEEEEeeeeee
FWOOMPH
tink-tink-tee-tink, tink tee tinktinktink tee...
BLAMMO
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mmhaha.... one last turn of torque wrench, and voila! My devastating new fundamentalist dominatrix warmonger narrative is complete! Now to flip the switch... Come to life, my robotic beauty!
chugga chugga chugga SQUINKSHEE SQUINKSHEE
Go, my pet, and do my bidding! Ah, how ravishing you are... and deadly! And so very, very shiny... so shiny I can see... my own... reflection...
chugga chugga chugga SQUINKSHEE SQUINKSHEE
**HUG**
Ah, my darling. My pet. How beautiful you are. How devastating. How lucky! Little did you dream that one day you would marry a genius. Come with me to the Casbah, so that I may...
tick tick tick
ooops.
KA-SPHLAOOOM
----------------------
hammer hammer hammer
Heh! Poor Sarah, my unsuspecting brood sow! By the time you realize my expertly-painted dinosaur detour was a ingenious ruse, I will have you trapped out here on the Bridge to Nowhere. Then for the plunge into the ravenous pit of pumas! Hah hah hah hah!
HONNNNK HONNNNNK
What the...? Yipes!
FWWEEEEEEEEEEE....
praypraypray
...eeeeeeeeeeeeeeee....
** plouffe **
pant.. pant... pant...
grrrfghh....
ohno...
RRROWWLROWLLL
Not the ratings! Stay away from the ratings!!
shhhrrredd shriiipppth
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I really have to hand it to you this time, Wile E., you brilliant telegenic devil! After I close these Troopergates, that pesky pentacostal Palin will be trapped helplessly in Scandal Canyon... and buried beneath an avalanche of outrage! While I collect my Pulitzer! Bwahahaha!
Say, what's in this evidence box?
TASE
ooof!
TASE
ow!
TASE
yipes!
SLAMMMM
rrrrummmmbbbllle
AVALANNNNNNNCHHHHHHE
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Sarah Palin (Hockimomus Alaskus)
I have come to give myself up for an interview on account of I cannot fight no more against such genius.
A wise decision, my friend. Not only will you be boosting my ratings, but you have saved yourself from a fate worse than National Enquirer. Now please have a seat in the 10 gigavolt interview chair while I gather my equipment. Let's see... super gravitas half-glasses, check... pop quiz questions, check... video editor, check... drat! Now where did I put that microphone? I simply cannot fricassee a victim without my microphone!
Sarah Palin
Is this what you're looking for, mac?
pssizzlezzz
Ah yes! There it is. But it seems to be experiencing some sort of feedba...
BLAFLAAWWWWMMM
crackle tinkle clunk
Fortunately, I keep my narratives numbered in case of such a situation.
Sarah Palin
You look dizzy, mac. Maybe you should sit down here for a spell.
Why that's very kind of you, my dimwitted friend. Just a quick respite to regain my bearings, and...
ZZZZZZAAPPPPPPxggkkkrrzzzz
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*MIXMIXMIX*
Wile E. Reporter... super journalist.
edit edit
I like the way that sounds...
kos kos kos
"Wile...E...Reporter... SUUU-per journalist."
chuh chuh chuh
It simply rolls off the tongue...
woo-ooo wooo
Wile E. Reporter... super journalist.
chuhchuhchuchuhWOO WOOOOOOOO
I shall have it inscribed on my bust in the Newseum...
WOO-OOOO CHUH CHUHCHUHCHUHCHUH
Wile E. Reporter... SUUUUU-PERRRR....
FLAH-BLOWWWWMMM
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*Knock Knock Knock*
Gloobd aftermnoon, mladam. Allrow mre to intlodupes mlyshelf: My naimge is mud.
Sarah Palin
And remember-- mud spelled backwards is dum!
