As a son of America's perennial undisputed champion pig-production state, I am no stranger to suidae sus, a/k/a "God's most delicious creation." Iowa contains nearly 30% of America's pig population (three times as many as pathetic #2 North Carolina), and, in fact, Porcine-Iowans outnumber the human variety by almost 10-to-1.
And if that weren't enough to establish my swine expertise bona fides, I am proud to say I was actually raised on a honest-to-goodness Iowa pig farm (No shit! (please pardon the clever scatological pig-related pun! (LOL!))). As evidence please note my father's collection of vintage hog-handling machinery and my cherished limited edition 1983 commemorative plate from the Cleghorn-Cherokee Farmers Co-op celebrating Iowa's miracle mammal.
Yessir, by gum, this Iowa boy knows from pigs. I've lived among them, tended them, breathed in their intoxicating scents, prettied them up for the county fair 4-H swine competition. At night I was soothed to sleep by the clanking din of their gravity feeder lids outside my bedroom window. And now with pigs suddenly popping up in the news, I thought I'd share with you, the curious pig neophyte, some fun and educational facts about this amazing animal.
Pigs are clean! It's true! Contrary to what you may have heard or smelled, the noble pig naturally prefers to keep unsoiled and above the common filth and fray of the confinement shed. The problem is that pigs do not have sweat glands. As the temperature rises, and with no ability to sweat it out, the pigs begins to panic. Only then do they begin expelling huge quantities of liquified excrement, and vigorously wallow in it with their fellow pigs, slopping side to side, even ravenously eating their own excrement, in a desperate attempt to find relief from the heat. But trust me, they really don't want to. And this is the important thing to remember about the noble pig.
Pigs are intelligent! Say what you what you will about pig noises and eating habits, one thing is certain: pigs are smart. In fact, scientists estimate that on average pigs have three times the intelligence of the pit bull, and this is why the hog shed is often referred to as "Harvard of the barnyard." Despite their undeniably superior mental powers, pigs somehow still trail dogs in popularity, which can only be attributed to America's pernicious anti-intellectualism.
Chicago: hog heaven! Pigs can be found in all 50 states, but traditionally only the finest, fattest, most gluttonous pigs made their way Chicago, the famed "Hog Butcher to the World." Though the noisy Chicago stockyards of yesteryear are long gone, Chicago can still brag of some of the finest boutique sausage making operations in the world.
Pigs - not just for eating! Certainly we know that if it weren't for pigs, there wouldn't be pork. But did you know that a little bit of pig can be found in thousands of everyday items, from footballs to brushes, from candles to cosmetics -- even lipstick!
Pigs eat other pigs! And can you blame them? Even pigs themselves know that pigs are delicious! But it's not just for the rich bacon-y flavor. Pigs are a social animal and if one pig is seen as weak or a threat to the head pig, it will be eaten alive. In this way, the pig social society remains viable and less vulnerable to predators. It's all part of the pig's beautiful and delicious circle of life.
Be careful consuming pig! Yes, pig is tasty, but you should always exercise caution in preparing it for consumption. Undercooked pig is known to carry diseases that attack the central nervous system, leading to blindness, confusion, and insanity. Remember - always take your pig with lots of salt!
Pigs are LOUD! We've all heard the phrase "squealing like a stuck pig," but did you know a pig is capable producing an eardrum-piercing, high pitched squeal of 115 decibels -- even louder than the Concorde supersonic jet? Believe it or not, it gets even louder inside a gelding pen!
So here's a hearty salute to you, Mr. Amazing Pig, America's favorite squealing cannibal braniac. You are the ultimate gift that keeps on giving -- from the ham for our egg McMuffins, to the lipstick that keeps the average American woman looking prettier every day.
