Controversy continues to engulf the McCain campaign in the wake of revelations that VP candidate Sarah Palin's 17-year old unwed daughter is pregnant. Will Bristol's bastard bun-in-the-oven sink McCain's moose-murdering MILF -- and his campaign along with it? To find out, we asked a random cross section of American voters.
Andrew S., Time Magazine columnist, P-Town, MA:
"As a mainstream conservative Catholic of conscience, I am shocked and disgusted by all of the suggestions of Palin family baby-snatching and witchcraft and shape-shifting that I've been reading about in my columns. How can we really know that Bristol's new baby isn't actually the result of an incestuous prenatal affair between Trig and his probably-aborted missing twin sister during Bristol's still secret pregnancy last year? How many heads does it have? Is this new baby itself pregnant, or possibly wearing a tiny rubber pregnancy suit as a distraction from other Palin family pregnancy scandals? Americans need to know the truth whether this fetal mutant is Palin's grandchild, great-great-grandchild, or double-grandcousin uncle in-law twice removed. To clear this up, we needs to see the DNA analysis and notarized photos of Bristol's hoo-hah. Well, not "me" "we". I guess I'll have to take your word for it because I personally find lady hoo-hahs disgusting. Until then, I'll be withholding judgement, and fellating my beagle, which is a great technique I discovered for dealing with conspiracy writer's block."
Markos M., mental asylum orderly, Berkeley, CA
"I am utterly disgusted that Andrew Sullivan would brazenly steal all the juiciest and most demented Palin family theories from my website, without giving credit. At long last, Andrew Sullivan, have you no shame?"
Bill A., education professor / terrorist bomber, Evanston, IL
"It's just a sad reflection on young people today. Back in the Sixties, we knew how to prevent these kind of unwanted preganancies with pipe bombs. Now if you'll excuse me, I have some grant proposals to write."
Bernadine D., law professor / terrorist bomber, Evanston, IL
"Too bad Susan Atkins isn't around to teach these Palins some good old-fashioned Manson Family values. Dig it! First they killed those pigs and then they put a fork in their bellies. Wild!"
Ayman al-Z., family therapist / jihad consultant, Pakistan:
"Even in the best of families crises like these can occur. The important thing is for everyone in the village to unite behind the family and march these two fornicating whores to the soccer stadium for the ritual stoning."
Ariana H., celebrity caterer, Beverly Hills, CA
"Disgusting and hypocritical. Thank God my gay ex-husband has hired a staff of nannies to teach responsible sexuality to our children, whats-their-names."
"Golum666", Gawker poster, basement
"Eat baby! Delicious, delicious wingnut baby!"
Maureen D., aging loveless spinster, New York, NY
"Why do these young white trash sluts end up with all the babies, while needy middle-aged urban career women are stuck with shriveled uteruses? If she really cared about that baby she would give it up for adoption. Instead of hockey and bear hunting, it needs to learn about Sex in the City and Manolo Blahnik."
Jeremiah W., minister, Chicago, IL:
"Let's remember that the Bible counsels us to 'hate the sin, love the sinner.' But let's also remember that it also tells us to hate whitey."
Mahmoud A., nuclear madman, Tehran, Iran
"Allah be praised! Bwahahaha."
Campbell B., cable TV spokesmodel, Atlanta GA
"I remember how disappointed my family was at the lack of media coverage when my father was sent to federal lockup...I'm just happy for the Palins that they aren't being deprived of their time in the spotlight."
Tony R., federal prisoner, Chicago, IL
"That a crazy lots of babies for the little igloo. Way too crowded mister! Tony get 'em good deal on slum on Southside, hokey dokey."
Keith O., baseball card collector, New York, NY:
"It's not enough for us to talk about the hypocritical negligence of Sarah Palin and the irresponsibility of her daughter. What about the baby's father? Thanks to comprehensive sex education, I know enough to carry a condom and mace goggles whenever I stalk a woman."
Clark H., ombudsman / copyboy, New York, NY
"Before we in the responsible media go into a feeding frenzy on this story, we first need to ask ourselves the key ethical question: is John Edwards involved here in anyway? No? Okay, nevermind. Frenzy away."
Barack O., community organizer, Chicago, IL:
"Frankly, uhhhh, I think the, uhhh, whole situation, uh, is terrible, uh. Candidates' families, uhhhhh, and their personal lives, uh, should be, uhhhh, off-limits, uh. And, uhhhh, frankly, the candidates', uhhhh, private ministers, and uh, private, uh, terrorist, uhhhhhh, alleged, uh, associates. Uh. Essage-may oo-tay edia-may: eep-kay it-ay up-ay, uhhhh-ay.
Larry M., moose, Kechikan, AK
"I just hope this scandal doesn't cause Governor Palin to return to Alaska. Hang in there Sarah! We need you out on the campaign trail, far far away."
Tim R., retired journalist, Heaven
"I don't like to second-guess my former colleagues and friends in the press, but the coverage on this story seems somewhat nasty and over-the-top. But, hey, who am I to say? I'm dead."
