[ed. note - After a brief retirement prompted by a few unfortunate comments, former CNN Chief News Executive and Saddam Hussein bagman Eason Jordan is back to dispense more of his patented truthiness about Iraq. To commemorate this auspicious journalistic comeback, I thought I'd dredge up this February '05 piece from the crypt.]
BEGIN TRANSCRIPT
Moderator Arsenio Hall: ...(unintelligible) is this thing on? Okay, hello? Okay, if everbody can please take a seat. Okay, I'd like to welcome everybody to Day Two of the World Economic Forum here in Davos. Y'all havin' a good time?
Crowd: Woof woof woof!
Hall: Oh, hell yeah. I heard some rumors in the breakfast buffet line that some of you fellas were kickin' it a little late last night...
Unidentified voice: you got that right, Arsenio!
[crowd laughter and woofing]
Hall: In fact, I haven't seen these many red eyes and guilty faces since I emceed the EU Conference on Balkan War Crimes!
[crowd laughter]
Hall: Damn, when my agent set up this emcee gig, he warned me that you guys like to pah-tay, but I had no idea. No idea! Hey, is David Gergen out there? (singsong voice) Da-vid Ger-gen! Dawg, all I gotta say is you gotta learn to pace yourself. The lap dancers over at Klub Guildenslutz told me you were handing out so many 20 Euro notes last night, they now think they're officials in the UN Oil For Food program!
[woofing and laughing; David Gergen seen standing, spinning a G-string on his finger]
Hall: Okay, okay, all joking aside, fellas -- I know y'all are going home in two days, back to your wives and stockholders and bloggers, so it's important that we keep the details of the conference between ourselves. Remember - what happens in Davos, stays in Davos.
[applause]
Hall: Quick reminder - lunch will be served in the Waldheim Room at noon, followed by our afternoon workshops. We adjourn at 3 sharp, so you boys will have a chance to hit the slopes, or trade a few business cards over cocktails. Remember, the bus for the Time Warner Dinner Party leaves at 7, and they've got some very special entertainment lined up for you boys tonight!
Unidentified Voice: Tell us who it is, Arsenio!
Arsenio: No no no, I swore to keep it a secret. [crowd shouting] All right, you dragged it out of me. You ready for this? Christiane Amanpour's All Star Correspondette Burlesque Review!
[woo-hoos, whistles, stomping]
Hall: Okay, let's get down to business, since I know a lot of you are on expense accounts. Our first speaker of the day comes from the world of media. He is executive vice president and chief news executive of CNN. He is mack daddy chair of the CNN Editorial Board. He is flat out the biggest balla out of Atlanta since Ludacris. Get your pimp cup in the air for Mista EAAAASON JORDAAAAAN....
[crowd woofing; Hall and Jordan soul-shake]
Jordan: Thank you Arsenio, and thank you delegates. It's a real pleasure to speak to you today. I originally intended to center my remarks around building global news market share, but as we have all seen, this is becoming increasingly difficult in our fragmented media world. On the one hand, we have see the welcome emergence of ethical competitors like Al-Jazeera [applause], but we have also seen an infestation of sleazy fly-by-night operators like Fox [boos] ...and unregulated blogs [boos] ...who have spoiled what once was a golden goose for many of us.
While it would certainly be wonderful to regain share, ultimately we need to focus on the bottom line. At CNN we have paid close attention to carefully containing costs, but in such a way that does not impact our news product. For example, we achieved significant cost savings by accelerated depreciation of Larry King's suspenders, and outsourcing our teleprompter feed to the Democratic National Committee. And, while we certainly didn't support the invasion and occupation of Iraq, it allowed us to cancel our bribe contract with Ba'athist officials -- freeing up essential bribe budgets for our other stations in the Mideast. As they, say, every cloud has a silver lining.
But, I don't want to be blithe about our the challenges we face. For example, if we don't get some control on the US Military deliberately targeting and shooting our field reporters, we are certainly going to face some steep increases in health care premiums for our employees. Second... umm, yes? Congressman Frank?
US Congressman Barney Frank: With all due respect, Mr. Jordan, what the fuck? I mean... what the fucking fuck!?
Jordan: Excuse me?
Frank: You just stood there and accused American soldiers of deliberately targeting, hunting down and shooting journalists.
[extended silence]
Jordan: Yes... I guess I'm just confused on the point you're trying to make.
Frank: My point is, do you actually have any evidence of that? I mean that the US military is deliberately killing journalists?
Jordan: Oh. Umm, okay, I think I see where you're going with that. Well, there are certainly accusations of that, and obviously we wouldn't be doing our jobs as journalists if we didn't recognize the existence of the accusations.
Frank: But you just stated it as fact.
Jordan: Well, duh. It's a fact: there have been accusations.
Unidentified Voice: I am a journalist, and the Imperialist American soldiers killed me.
Jordan: See [pointing]? Well, there you go. Jesus, Barney, what's with the third degree here? I thought you were gay.
Frank: What the fuck does that have to do with anything?
Jordan: I just think it's kind of odd that a gay guy like you would stand there and shill for Fox News. I never had you pegged for one of those Log Cabin types.
Frank: I am not shilling for Fox! I am asking a simple question - do you have a single shred of evidence of your accusation that the US military is engaged in war crimes against journalists? If so, I want to know so the Congress can investigate and...
[booing]
Hall: C'mon, dawg, let the man answer the question. Peace. We all want to make the lunch buffet.
Jordan: Well, if you're asking do I have photos, or signed confessions, or witnesses and such, then no. But I talk to field producers all the time, and they tell me that a lot of these US soldiers are gung-ho types from Jesusland. Do you really think we should wait around for them to snap, before we talk about their latent journicidal fantasies?
Frank: What planet are you from? American soldiers are protecting journalists in Iraq every day!
Jordan: Well, Barney, you say protect, I say target, let's call the whole thing off, yadda yadda yadda.
Hall: Hey y'all, they're giving me the high sign, we're just going to have to agree to disagree, and leave it there. Let's all take a 10 minute bio-break, and when we return Abdul Malik Salim of Al Jazeera will give his presentation entitiled "The International Zionist Plot to Sabotage Arab TV Ratings." And will somebody wake up David Gergen?
END TRANSCRIPT
