OPERATION MAG-NEATO
Bad news, evildoers: thanks to the tireless efforts of the Legion of Dumb, the Mighty Dumb-Vee continues to amass its fearsome arsenal of electro-refrigero-magnetic powers! Here are the latest pictures from Supreme Allied Commander Doc Lee. As a special treat for lady readers, I have included beefcake shots of Doc along with Team Dumb-Vee members Sgt. Opie and Ipanema.
Coolest part? Last week Team Dumb-Vee dispatched a number of trouble makers off to their 72 celestial prom dates. Imagine the expressions on these benighted jihadis as they beheld their final earthly sight: a gigantic pink 'Curves For Women' magnet. Now tell me what red-blooded American wouldn't want to be part of that? So get you weirdest fridge magnets tout suite to Doc's new address:
Dr. Darren Lee
Attn: PSYOP
TF-3-187
FOB Brassfield Mora
APO AE 09349
And remember, if you are a blogger who contributes to getting the word out (like the fine folks at Theodicy and Kitchen Wench) let me know and I'll get you on the blogroll.
Magnets for America! Magnets for Victory!
HAWKEYE HOOSEGOW HONEY OF THE YEAR
At the official July 7 close of voting for Hawkeye Hoosegow Honey of the Year, with 5000 votes tallied, Jesika was coasting to an apparent comfortable win; she had attracted 20.3% of the vote and 65 bonus points for her $65,000 bond.
Then, all hell broke loose. A last-minute Boing-a-lanche resulted in a tidal wave of late ballots from every corner of the globe. According to my visitor stats the Hoosegow gals have apparently made Iowahawk the Baywatch of the Blogosphere, with an especially intense fan base in Hungary, for some reason. Weird, but why knock it? If inexplicable Euro-stardom is good enough for David Hasselhoff, it's good enough for me.
But it left me with a dilemma: what to do with the 12,000 extra ballots that were cast after the deadline, many from foreigners, with questionable chads? As a strong believer in participatory democracy, Florida Supreme Court legal theory, and milking a premise for all it's worth, I have decided to include all of the votes. And the winner is....
JESIKA! With 3,342 votes (20.6%) and 65 bonus bail points, this alleged perp-next-door was the clear people's choice. I will also give a special mention to Tammi, who, in the initial flood from Boing-Boing, became the only participant ever to lead Jesika late in the race. In the talent portion of the contest, Erica was the clear champion with a $270,000 bond; and by acclaimation I am awarding Miss Congeniality to April, the girl who can turn the world on with her smile.
But in my book, all of these girls deserve an award to go along with their constitutional presumption of innocence. To the runners-up I say better luck next year, if you somehow find yourself arrested again. And to Jesika, Miss Hawkeye Hoosegow Honey of 2006, I place the tiara and sing:
There she is, isn't she sweet,
A vision in orange, from her head to her feet,
She makes me want to get drunk and do something stupid,
To get tasered and night-sticked and zip-cuffed by Officer Cupid!
Take me to love's prison and throw out the key,
In a cell next to Miss Hoosegow Honey!
HEAP OF THE WEEK
Let's say you have a hot rod powered by an 1800-cubic inch, 800 horsepower V-12 engine out of a M47 Patton tank, and you need a little more "oomph." What do you do? If you're Jay Leno, you take it to SoCal speed legend and Iowahawk reader Gale Banks.
Gale sends these shop photos of his latest two-fisted horsepower trickery - a twin turbo setup for the Tonight Show host's famous Blastolene Special. When completed, Gale says it should be good for 1600+ horsepower and 3000+ ft-lbs of torque.
BTW - keep your eyes peeled for a special report on Banks' Mad Horsepower Lab, coming soon.
PRICELESS TREASURES FROM THE IOWAHAWK MUSEUM
As we all know, the Sixties were a time of tumult and generational upheaval that rendered the very fabric of our society and changed our culture forever. And I've never seen a work of art capture the 1960's zeitgeist better than this diptych by the artist "Lee" I acquired from a junk shop along Chicago's Belmont Avenue:
Note the undercurrent of angry youth sexual rebellion and hedonism that would blossom into 1967's drug-soaked Summer of Love, only to be tragically smashed by Chicago police truncheons at Grant Park, Hells Angels' brass knuckles at Altamont, and National Guard rifles at Kent State. Note also the stylish dickie and cool striped action trousers. Groovy!
HOME CAR MOVIES
A couple of short clips from my trip to Wisconsin's Road America for last weekend's BRIC vintage races. First, vintage F-1 cars taking on Canada Corner...
And a swarm of McLarens rapping down the straightaway...
EVEN BETTER HOME CAR MOVIES
The greatest car show in the freaking universe: Jumpin' Johnny's Crash-A-Rama, featuring the music greatest band in the freaking universe: The Losin' Streaks. (H/T Ryan Cochran) If you're anywhere near Sacramento today and miss this show, you are a total dork.
