Iowahawk Guest Commentary
by Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi
Senior VP, Al-Qaeda In Iraq
Word up whitebread, how you livin'?
Yeah, I been gettin' all your email haterade. All y'all infidels be texting and emailing, and it's all like "yo Zarks where u at? Al Qaeda cut off your TypePad account? LOL!!!"
Hey cuz, act like you know. Like the Zarkman got time to be blogging this bitch with the Q1 decapitation reports overdue, and Fatima all up in my grille wantin’ money for the kids' summer martyr camp, and Team Satan sendin’ another crew of laser-guided "downsizing consultants" every freaking day.
Fo real, you think Zarkman got time to play penpal with you chumps? Cracka, every damn morning I got an Outlook inbox full of fresh steaming dung to deal with. Meeting notices from Zawahiri. Overdue notices from the IED suppliers. Ads for Hoodia and boner pills. Six different NCAA pools. Then there's the tardmail from my Daily Kos fanboys:
Hey Zarkman!
OMG u r teh ROXOR! Its like u r total Che Guervera and Fidel and Malcom X plus System of a Down!! Good luck against the Zionist neocon occupiers!!!! Ya,, SCREW those mercenaries!!! Everybody here at UCLA Ed school thinks u r total l33t HARDCORE!!!Fight teh POWER bro!!!
Dr. Peter McLaren
Professor, Graduate School of Education
University of California at Los AngelesPS - check out this awesome flash movie!!! Its Bush turning into a fukkin nazi monkey!!!! LOL!!!!
Yep. Welcome to my fan base, sunshine. Go ahead and yuk it up, but imagine how depressing this shit gets. I used to have MS Outlook filter out ".edu" emails, but Zawahiri made a new policy that we have to answer them. "Good PR, good for recruiting and fundraising," or some goatshit like that. Okay, Zarkman's a team player:
Dear Professor Pete:
Great to hear from a fellow revolutionary in the struggle against occupation! As you have probably read at Indymedia and the LA Times, we have Halliburton's illegal imperialist oil mercenaries totally demoralized and on the run! Still, every little bit helps. Please show your support with a contribution to the Al Qaeda in Iraq Tip Jar. Your generous donation ensures that our boys have the Qurans and scimitars and dynamite belts they need to finish the job. We accept PayPal, and payroll donations are matched by the University of California System!
Also, with semester break coming up, why not join us here in the sunny Mideast for a fun and educational summer of fighting the demoralized Zionist military in person? Our trained staff can help you and your graduate students make the travel arrangements. And if necessary, contact your next of kin. Act now, because Paradise awaits, and spaces are filling up fast!
See you in Fallujah,
Zarkman
What’s that Pete? No thanks? You’re busy shampooing your fabulous flowing Fabio ‘do? Yeah, I thought so, bitch.
I’m serious, why does Zawahiri insist on making nice with these infidel college dickslaps? Okay, so a few dhimmis throw us a few bucks every month. But Holy fucking Prophet, otherwise they’re as useless as tits on an Imam. “Sorry, Zarkman, can’t help you with the wiring diagrams, my Ph.D. is in deconstructivist semiotics,” whatever the fuck that means. I mean, holy dung, how do these motards chew gum and protest march at the same time? And the ones that actually do get over here never want to volunteer for anything other than being a stupid hostage, and then they start whining for vegan meals and high-speed internet, and then they get all pissy and crying when you actually cut off one of the other’s heads. Helloooooo, Moby McMoonbeam: that’s what you fucking hostages are for. Shit, I swear the only victory we’ve had lately is when Team Satan came and took those Unitarian peace creeps off our hands. Your problem now, dawg.
Yeah, email. I gets me lots and lots of email. Like the two dozen daily spaz-o-grams from those loveable choads I call my direct reports. Questions about the new $50 funeral copay, leave requests, desertion reports on the French twats. Want a taste? Here’s one I got yesterday:
TO: A Zarqawi
FROM: M Abdulraman
SUBJECT: RE: School Bombing StatusPer your request, I investigated lack-of-detonation problem with martyr school attack wave yesterday. Likely cause is C-6 wire, incompatible with 2.3.0 version of InfidelBlaster switch. Or possible electrical short due to urine.
Please advise on next steps.
M Abdulraman
Al Qaeda in Iraq IT Services
Guess what? These are the literate ones.
TO: M Abdulraman
FROM: A Zarqawi
SUBJECT: RE: School Bombing Status
I didn’t ask you for a bunch of goddamn geek jargon, I asked you to FIX IT. Now turn off the Star Trek reruns and get to work if you don’t want a transfer to Martyr Dept.
Three minutes later:
TO: All School Bombing Martyr Associates
FROM: M Abdulraman
CC: A Zarqawi
SUBJECT: Equipment upgradePlease bring your belts and detonators to IT Services Shed at 4 PM for upgrade to version 2.4 of InfidelBlaster. This meeting is mandatory, and your cooperation is appreciated.
M Abdulrahman
Al Qaeda in Iraq IT Services
After the IT Services Shed vaporized at 4:06 PM, I’m thinking maybe it’s about fucking time for a jihadi brain upgrade.
Yep, just a small slice of the big shit falafel Zarkman has to eat every. fucking. day. And for dessert: an inbox of fragrant turdograms from the big boss man, Mister 6-Sigma PowerPoint Buzzword Bingo hisself, Zawa-frickin-hiri.
TO: A Zarqawi
FROM: A Zawahiri
SUBJECT: Q1 Performance ReviewPlease join me in Conference Hut C after noon prayers for a candid review of your Q1 performance results versus ISO 700 caliphate objectives, and to level-set for go-forward leadership growth.
Sincerely,
Ayman Zawahiri
Executive VP for Strategic Foresight
Al Qaeda in Iraq“Solutions Systems for the 8th Century”
Now understand, normally this clueless fuck is incapable of writing a memo less than 12 pages long, which go straight to my delete folder. A message this short? Now my Zarky-sense is pegging the bad-news-o-meter. I grabbed a pile of my project folders and headed for the conference room, and the crapstorm commenced before my ass hit the carpet.
“Abu, as you know, AQI is all about creating a scalable paradigm for enabling global caliphate,” he says. “But lately, I have been concerned that we’ve had some performance leakage in our Total Quality Jihad plan.”
Okay, maybe I don’t have a fancy ass Master of Martyr Administration from Damascus Tech, but I saw where this shit was going.
“Well, Ayman, sure, we’ve had a couple of tough quarters, but if you look at these clippings from the infidel press and TV, you can see we are still in a net positive PR situation, and... “
“How many associates did we lose in Q1?”
Fuck. Since when does he start asking direct questions? I start fumbling around with my folders.
“I’ll tell you Abu. 1,256.” And then he’s off to the races, with a 45 minute firehose of PowerPoints and Excel pie charts detailing every mosque bombing screwup, every wipeout with Team Satan, every stupid Iraqi anti-Al Qaeda protest.
“At the end of the day, Abu, the AQ family needs to deploy our resources for maximum Return-on-Jihad,” he says. Then he drops the bomb: “It’s time we think about right-sizing the organization vis-à-vis the Baghdad Region.”
Oh, dandy. He says we can accomplish it through attrition, but now it looks like I’m going to have to start emailing pink slips AND condolence letters. I’m not even sure how safe my own damn job is. I was gonna call Fatima and my other babies’ mamas and tell ‘em to cancel the family Mecca trip, but that’d just buy me a week of nonstop nagging.
And to top it all off, guess who just showed up at the back door? You got it. Those kuffar peace creeps, volunteering for hostage duty again. I’m totally curious: how come all those badass hard muthafuckin’ Wu Tang infidels end up on Team Satan, and Zarkman gets stuck with the dipshits too stoned to tune their stupid guitars?
So whuzzup wit me? Same shit, different day, and if you peckerwood email haters expect a personal reply, you can kiss my fat shrapneled Jordanian ass. I hate email, and wouldn’t use it at all if I didn’t think that Nazi Bush was tapping my phone.
Anyhoo, gotta close soon. I’m updating my resume, plus Khalid says Team Satan is on local patrol. If you see any good openings on Monster.com, let me know, especially if it has a good medical plan.
Peace Out
Zarks
