A Golden Book Classic
By Stanley "Tookie" Williams
Once upon a time, down a bright sunny alley behind a magical cottage in a faraway kingdom called Compton, lived a little quacky ducky named Tookie. Tookie was brave and strong and all of the other duckies knew to respect him, because otherwise Tookie and his friend Sammy Sawed-Off would mess you up bad, understand?
One day, Tookie was feeling very, very sad, because he had run out of Kools. "Who will help me get my Kools?" he said. "I will help you get your Kools!" said Blackie. So Tookie and Blackie drove to the 7-Eleven in Tookie's Monte Carlo.
"Give me some Kools!" Tookie asked Clerky Ducky. Clerky Ducky gave him the Kools, but he was very very slow, so Tookie greased the quacker with Sammy Sawed-Off. "Boom!" said Sammy.
"Ha ha!" laughed Tookie. "Listen to Clerky's funny sounds! Gurgle gurgle gurgle!"
"Shit, Took, you one crazy ass muthaducka," said Blackie, who was so scared he dropped his Big Gulp.
Tookie was so proud of what a good job he had done that he started new duck club that he called the Quacks. He gave all of his Quacks friends pretty blue bonnets and Tec-9s. "If you see any muthaducka wearing a red bonnet, pop a cap in they ducktail," said Tookie.
The Quacks all loved Tookie and all the other duckies feared him, and soon he was King of all of Compton. But Tookie was still sad because he needed some money. So he drove his Monte Carlo to the Brookhaven Motel on Vermont.
"Give me some money!" said Tookie to Mister slanty eyed Hotel Duck and his family.
"You get out my motel!" yelled Mister Hotel Duck, in his stupid ching-chong Chinaduck voice.
"Boom! Boom! Boom!" boomed Sammy Sawed-Off, who turned their buddaheads into ching chong duck chop suey.
Then something very very bad happened. Blackie the Ducky turned into a stool pigeon. He went to the Piggies and ratted on Tookie. Tookie was very sad, because he knew then he should have killed Blackie at the 7-Eleven when he had his chance. The Piggies took away his best friend Sammy Sawed-Off, and put him in the San Quentin coop with the naughty duckies.
"Who is the new fish?" said some mean duckies in the exercise yard, watching Tookie do his bench presses. This made Tookie and his Quack friends angry, so they messed 'em up bad and made them into their bitches, and that was the end of that shit.
Still, Tookie was very sad because the piggies were going to roast him. He layed in the coop and wrote appeals. He dreamed of freedom and payback for that punkass bitch Blackie, who had flown up north and was serving time for capping some Canadian geese. Then Tookie had a very very good idea: he would write a book of his adventures for ducklings.
The beautiful and powerful and noisy swans from Malibu heard about Tookie and his happy duckling books. There was Susan and Barbra and Sean and Danny and Whoopie and Bianca, and their friend Jamie the Fox. Together they honked, and what a loud noise the beautiful swans made! "Honk! Honk! Free Tookie the Ducky!" they honked. "Tweet tweet!" cried Tim the Robbin.
But Arnold, the King of the Piggies, was very mean and did not listen to their beautiful swan song. Finally, his wise Councilpigs told him: "if you roast Tookie then the Quacks will set all of Compton on fire. And then your goose will be cooked."
Just about then, something magical happened: King Arnold turned into a chicken. Tookie was pardoned, and he flew to Europe where the beautiful swallows gave him prizes and awards for his wonderful books. The beautiful swans in Malibu cheered and honked and offered Tookie documentaries and albums and biopics with walk-on cameos. Tookie eventually returned to Compton and the Quacks had a big celebration with hats and cake and 40s and Tec-9s.
And all the other ducks in Compton? Those bitches remembered they better watch their ducktails. And they lived fearfully ever after.