Lawrence, KS - University of Kansas religion professor Paul Mirecki, whose planned course on creationism was canceled after he described Christian students as "redneck Taliban fucktards who belong in formaldehyde, not in classrooms," was released today from a Lawrence hospital after an attack by a mysterious gang of Nascar racers.
According to Mirecki, he was driving his car at 3 AM on the outskirts of town when "20 or 30" Nascar race car pickup trucks suddenly appeared in a local WalMart parking lot and began following him menacingly, blaring AM talk radio. He says they ran him into a ditch, and began beating him with bibles, banjos and moonshine jars marked with 'XXX.'
"'This here's MERIKUH, and wee's all Jezus lovin' USA MER'KINS, yew gol-durn trickifyin' commernist smartypants! Stop challingin' our traditional backwoods bible valewz and tax cuts with yer dirty college book-larnin'!'" Mirecki quoted one of the assailants as saying. Mirecki said another threatened to "'shut up that thar purty professerin' mouth o' yers, lessen yew stop perluti-fyin' our Kansas hillbilly yunguns withen yore Satan monkey theories.'"
Mirecki was released from the hospital after treatment for minor bruises on his right cheekbone and fist.
Lawrence Police spokesman Carl Baher said that identifing the assailants would be difficult because, according to Mirecki, they were wearing Klan hoods and Sean Hannity masks. Nevertheless, Baher said his department would pursue all leads in the incident, the first recorded Nascar-related hate crime to occur in this quiet university town in more than 120 years.
"We are asking the Lawrence and KU community to aid in the investigation," said Baher. "Please report all sitings of white hillbilly Nazi plutocrats driving loud race pickups with large Halliburton or Enron decals."
POLL: 61% BACK TORTURE OF HOWARD DEAN
New York - A new IPSOS/CNN survey of Americans released today showed widespread support for using "aggressive interrogation techniques" on DNC Chairman Howard Dean, including waterboarding, sleep deprivation, and forced reading of Andrew Sullivan.
The surprising result comes amid growing controversy over US-run foreign "black site" detention centers, and Dean's interview remarks that "the pathetic US Military is doomed to defeat in Iraq, against Zarqawi's gallant legions of dashing and invicible super he-men."
IPSOS pollster Kathy Findley said that the results were not universally bad for the former Vermont governor, noting that "public support for Dean's hypothetical torture dropped significantly below 50% when when it involved extreme measures, such as genital electrodes or exposure to Barbra Streisand albums."
KERRY URGES SENSITIVE DAYTIME U.S. MILITARY TERRORISM AGAINST U.S. CHILDREN
Washington - Senator John Kerry sought to distance himself today from his weekend remarks on CBS's Face The Nation that "there is no reason, Bob, that American soldiers need to be going into the homes of Iraqis in the dead of night, terrorizing women and children, destroying the-uh-ah, religious thing, and so forth, raping and pillaging and, er, helping themselves to the falafel like Jenjis Khan and so on, which is exactly the sort of terrorism thing that is what the-umm, Iraqis are supposed to be um, doing, and, also, oh shit... did I just say something about terrorizing? Well, Bob, you obviously know what I mean, um, right Bob? Help me out here, Bob."
In clarifying his earlier statement, Kerry today said that he supported US military personnel, but was "simply pointing out that American terrorizing could be done in, ah, ah, a more thoughtful and sensitive and appropriate manner, uh, that respects, er, Iraqi religious, er, things, and rights to self-terrorizing."
"Let us make no mistake," said Kerry, "when it comes to the non-terrorization of minors, there is no, ah, reason there cannot be a administration policy against it not being done by American, uh, soldiers during appropriate non-night times, in non-foreign countries, and without non-appropriate religious insensitivity, and so on."
"I have three Purple Hearts," he added.
IOWA STATE STUDENT TERROR SUSPECT RELEASED
Ames IA - FBI officials today questioned and released an Egyptian national, 7 days after TSA agents at New York's Kennedy Airport detained him briefly after his shoes tested positive for an explosive substance. His previous release triggered a nationwide manhunt.
FBI officials confirmed the 50-year old Iowa State University student was laden with explosive material, but said he was not a threat.
"Seriously, how much of a plot could this guy come up with?" asked FBI Spokesman Lawrence Guymon. "Christ, I mean, 32 years and he still hasn't graduated... from Iowa State."
IOWA BEAUTY QUEEN REVEALS SECRETS
Chicago - Growing up in Iowa, Mimi Mark dreamed of one day becoming a glamorous pageant princess. Now, as the newly crowned 2005 Miss International Transvestite Queen, the 38-year old Waterloo native credits his all-America Hawkeye boyhood for his current success.
"It was very Norman Rockwell," say the leggy 36-26-34 blonde. "My friends and I would ride minibikes and snowmobiles, play pond hockey, watch hour after hour of Tammy Baaker on PTL club. Sometimes, we'd get into trouble, like the time we broke into old Doc Wilson's fertility clinic and try the his various medicines. Boy, did I get a tummy ache after that one!"
"I guess all that sunshine and fresh Iowa air I got playing down by the herbicide plant really helped give my skin a soft country glow," he added.
Although he has moved on to Chicago where he is a featured performer at a drag club, Mark says he misses a lot from the Hawkeye home.
"Oh my God, you can't believe how much I crave a good pork tenderloin or Maid Rite," he said. "Plus, the big city drag pageant are so cold and impersonal, compared a typical small town transvestite farmer club - like The Manhole in Olwein, or Vern's SheHe Pic & Pay in Anamosa."
