EXCERPTS FROM MY FAILED MUSICAL
ACT I
Split stage. On the right, a group of immigrant street toughs mill outside a bleak suburban banlieu. On the right: President Jacques Chirac’s office in Elysee Palace, where Chirac is toasting another French diplomatic victory with Prime Minister Dominique de Villepin (who is a man).
CHIRAC
It’s great to be part of the UN… the EU’s a marvelous thing…
VILLEPIN
In our little cloister the world is our oyster…
TOGETHER
‘cuz – we – get – to – pull – all - the - striiiiings!
CHIRAC
We are FRANCE!
VILLEPIN
We are France!
TOGETHER
If you think you can beat us, bon chance!
CHIRAC
We’re on a first name basis with the Chinese.
VILLEPIN
Not to mention Kofi Annan on speed dial.
TOGETHER
With speeches so emphatique and manuevers diplomatique, we’ll twist the rusty knife in while we smiiiile!
TOGETHER
We are France, we are France!
CHIRAC
We’ve got the Saudi contacts…
VILLEPIN
to get us oil contracts…
TOGETHER
and stuff away the profits in our pants!
Music makes dramatic minor key shift, stage rotates to the immigrant boys.
KHALID
My parents immigrated from Morocco.
TARIQ
My dad arrived in Paris from Algiers.
HASSAN
Now all that we can do is hang out by the banlieu…
TOGETHER
Mom and Dad ain't found a job in 30 years!
KHALID (angrily)
We are France!
HASSAN
We are France!
TOGETHER
Where a guy can’t get the break he wants!
TARIQ
A hundred Euros weekly for our welfare.
KHALID
They think that it will keep us satisfied.
TOGETHER
They invented mimes, and we’re accused of crimes? It's time for these two worlds to collide!
TOUGHS (angrily)
We are France!
CHIRAC/VILLEPIN
We are France!
TOUGHS
We are France!
CHIRAC/VILLEPIN
We are France!
The stage rotates as the two groups continue singing. Finally they bump into each other and begin catlike finger snapping.
CHIRAC/VILLEPIN
When you’re a Frog you’re a Frog all the way, from your first cigarette to your last beaujolais!
TOUGHS
Mohhhhh- OH! – rocco! Where the wind comes sweeping down the dunes! Where the sand can fly straight in your eye, but they don’t have these French buffoons!
Pantomime sissy knife fight
TOUGHS
Crazy!
FROGS
Cruel!
TOUGHS
Crazy!
FROGS
Cruel!
Fade out, curtains
ACT II
A mosque in Clichy-sur-Bois. A group of frustrated youths meets with Imam Halil, a travelling cleric from Saudi Arabia.
IMAM
Well either you are closing your eyes to a situation you do not wish to acknowledge, or you are not aware of the infidel threat in your community.
MOSQUE CHORUS
Huuu—uuhh!?
IMAM
Well, you got kaffirs my friends. Right here, I say, kaffirs right here in Ile de la Cité. Why sure I'm a praying man, certainly mighty proud to say, I'm always mighty proud to say it. I consider that the hours I spend with a Q’ran in my hand are golden. Help ya cultivate camel sense, and cool head and a keen eye.
MOSQUE CHORUS
Tell us more!
IMAM
I say that any boob, can read a bible or a torah or that Jean Paul Sartre. And I call that sloth, the first big step on the road to the depths of degreda- I say first, medicinal wine from a teaspoon, then beer from a bottle. And the next thing you know your son is wearing baseball hat sideways style and listening to some infidel jasper here blaspheme the Prophet and talkin’ up som newfangled democracy. Make your blood boil? Well, I should say. Now friends, let me tell you what I mean. Ya got one, two, three, four books that mark the difference between martyrs and apostates with a capital A and that rhymes with J and that stands for Jews.
MOSQUE CHORUS
Damn jews!
IMAM
And all week long your Ile de la Cité youth will be fritterin' away I say your young men will be fritterin. Fritterin away their mornin’ prayers, noon prayers, evenin’ prayers too. Readin’ lots of nonsense, never mind getting that Q’ran read or the chick peas pounded, or learnin’ up on martyrdom because of them kaffirs…
MOSQUE CHORUS
Yes kaffirs!
IMAM
Yes you got lots and lots of kaffirs!
MOSQUE CHORUS
Right there in Ile de la Cité!
IMAM
with a capital K and that rhymes with J and that stands for Jews!
MOSQUE CHORUS
Rotten Jews!
IMAM
Crusaders, Atheists, Hindus, Buddhists, we got kaffirs!
MOSQUE CHORUS
Oh yes yes kaffirs!
IMAM
Right there in Ile de la Cité!
MOSQUE CHORUS
The city of lights!
IMAM
with a capital K…
MOSQUE CHORUS
Capital K!
IMAM
and it rhymes with J…
MOSQUE CHORUS
Capital J!
ALL
And that stands for Jewwwwwwws!
TARIQ
But what can we do about them, Imam?
IMAM
Some enchanted eeeevening, you will start a fire –a cozy little fiiire, beneath a parked saloooon…
TARIQ
To the barricades!
IMAM
By Allah, I think they’ve got it!
ACT III
Streets of Paris. The toughs strut along the streets of the banlieu coming their hair, carrying bottles of gasoline.
TARIQ
How about this one guys?
KHALIL
That rusty hunk of junk? It’ll never make the TV news!
HASSAN (excitedly)
Why… this car is automatic! It's systematic! It’s flambee-matic! Why… it's a greased Peugeot!
TOUGHS CHORUS
We'll get some Molotov cocktails and some 2 euro Bics oh yeah
(Keep talking whoa keep talking)
Start a fire burnin’ like a pair of cheater slicks oh yeah!
(I'll get the petrol I'll kill to get the petro)
With a thunderous sound it’s gonna burn to the ground!
It’s gonna explode by the side of the road, a greased Peugeot!
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
Music suddenly stops; as a flank of gendarmes enters.
POLICEMAN
What’s all this then?
TARIQ
Helloooo officer La Fleur! Sees, we is de-praved, because we is de-prived.
POLICEMAN
Well, then you better stop now because President Chirac announced a major crackdown on crime. You’ll all be getting your new crackdown checks next week.
TOUGHS
Allahu Akbar!
Music resumes
Go greased Peugeot you're burning up the Rue De Ville!
(Greased Peugeot, burn greased Peugeot)
Go greased Peugeot you're burning up by Allah’s will !
(Greased Peugeot, burn greased Peugeot)
It’s bitchin’ sweet to see it light up the street, greased Peugeot!
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
Chirac enters stage right, with Villepin arranging exile on his cell phone.
CHIRAC
Hello, I must be going, I cannot stay, I came to say, I must be going.
I'm glad I came, but just the same I must be going. La La.
VILLEPIN (on phone)
I represent Jacques Chirac who insists on my informing you of these conditions under which he flees there. He wants a chauffeured limousine and a chateau very clean, and no tropical disease there.
FRENCH CITIZENS
Hooray for Monsieur Chirac, the American Annoyer!
Hooray Hooray Hooray!
He stood up to the Cowboys, now he’s leaving through the foyer.
VILLEPIN
The men must all be very old, The women warm, the champagne cold. It's under these conditions that he flees there.
CHIRAC
Hello, I must be going, I cannot stay, I came to say, I must be going.
I'm glad I came, but just the same I must be going. La La.
Chirac & Villepin beat a hasty retreat stage left. Stage goes dark briefly; when lights go back up entire cast appears in keffiyas and burkkas.
FINALE: THE AGE OF EURABIA
When Mahmooooud is in the Notre Dame
And prayer rugs line Versailles
Then this will please the Prophet
We'll get hot chicks in Paradise!This is the dawning of the Age of Eurabia!
Age of Eurabiaaaaa!
Eu-ra-bi-AH! Eu-RA-bi-ah!Harmony and peace abounding
all the Jews we will be hounding
No more blaspheme or derision
Imams making all decisions
Mystic Qu’ran revelations
No more homo celebrations
Eu-ra-bi-AH! Eu-RA-bi-ah!Briiiing the Imams, bring the Imams in, the Imams in… (repeat chorus)
Spotlight on Imam Halil
IMAM
Shariiiia! I just passed a law named Shariiiia…
DROP CURTAIN
FIN
