PENPALS FROM AROUND THE WORLD
Sometimes, it's just a bad mail day. Take this recent missive I received from a Mrs. Patel:
Dear Mr David Burge,You are offencing the the whole of the muslim population by your site which is not islamic and totally out of control, I am personally asking you to remove this site from the web.Take action as it is causing some concern!Mrs Patel
And this browbeating from the provocatively-named 'Tami Sprinkle' of the Merry Munchkins blog:
David,
I think you are right on a lot of issues, but you are a creep!! I will lay me down tonight and dream of cockroaches and lice and David Burge. Weirdo! there is nothing, at all, sexy about you.God you suck!
JTS
Obviously, this sort of thing starts to get to you after a while, and you start thinking, "I dunno -- maybe I am an out-of-control, unsexy weirdo whose offencing causes concern and lice dreams." You're in a deep depression, on the verge of quitting your blog to work on your self-esteem issues, but then you get one of these:
Dave...
I tell you honestly that I would trade every line I have ever written to have been able to come up with les ouegies.
Your pal,
HA! Take that, Mrs. Patel and Tami Sprinkle.
LEGION OF DUMB
I have to admit I'm getting a little frustrated here. Enlistment in the official Iowahawk Legion of Dumb is starting to slack off, with a little more than 300 members. For crying out loud, people -- that doesn't even come close to the probable casualties I've estimated in my draft master plan. So please take a few moments to register, and note if you have any special skills in the following areas: (1) organ transplantation, (2) magnetic levitation, or (3) interpretive dance. Foreign members are welcome, especially those fluent in Esperanto and Flemish. Again, thank you for your cooperation.
HAWKEYE HOOSEGOW HONEY OF THE WEEK
Without a doubt, the pickings were mighty slim at the Polk County jail photo lineup this week, and I was getting a bit worried that I would have to disappoint those of you who eagerly await the weekly parade of perp pulchitrude. Luckily, thanks to the dedicated peace officers at the Des Moines Police Department, I am please to present Ashley M.:
This enchanting 5'2", 105 lb. temptress was booked over the weekend on two charges of simple assault. With her Parker Posey-esque looks and alleged mean streak, I'd wager our fair mademoiselle has a promising future in independent films!
And, while they are not Iowans, I would also like to award special Honorary Co-Hoosegow Honeys of the Week to two lovely lasses brought to my attention by alert readers Marcus McCain and Cat Hodge: Victoria Thomas and Angely Keathley, the two Carolina Panthers cheerleaders arrested after allegedly getting their mutual freak on in a Tampa nightclub bathroom stall. Sadly, the NFL club terminated their services after the incident, but I have to believe they now have employment opportunities aplenty.
WHAT IS WAS, WAS FOOTBALL
New NCAA top 25 Bounty Method ratings for games through October 24, with JoePa and his Nittany Lions back on top. The Hawkeyes? Slouching slowly, inexorably, to Motor City Bowl humiliation. For the complete NCAA Division I-A rankings, click here.
1 Penn State 947
2 Texas 930
3 TCU 895
4 Southern Cal 864
5 Virginia Tech 807
6 Alabama 801
7 Wisconsin 749
8 Oregon 723
9 UCLA 707
10 Ohio State 692
11 Miami FL 685
12 Michigan 670
13 Georgia 648
14 Florida 640
15 Colorado 635
16 LSU 631
17 Northwestern 630
18 Texas Tech 614
19 West Virginia 604
20 UTEP 587.5
21 Florida St 587
22 Minnesota 585
23 Boston College 575
24 Georgia Tech 569
25 Notre Dame 564
COUPE OF JUSTICE
Some candid new shots of my voluptuous rear end.
