The Michael Moore Fat Farm Diaries (h/t: the Timinator)
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August 19, 2005
Dear Friends,
Wassup? You may have heard by now that I have taken the "Slacker Uprising Tour" on a personal health retreat to the Pritkin Center in Florida. Unfortunately, some of the reports of this in the corporate media, like 'Faux News,' are based on complete distortions and outright lies. First, the Pritkin Center is not some cushy "spa" for overweight corporate war profiteers. Think of It as an elite guerilla training center.
The truth is, I enrolled here at the request of my dear friend, Cindy Sheehan, whose child Casey was senselessly slaughtered on the altar of BushCo's oil interests. "Michael," she said, "don't do this for you. Do it for me, and the millions of your fans around the world who made Oscar®-winning Farenheit 9-11 the top grossing documentary of all time." Grieving mother Cindy's lonely vigil on that dusty road, under the blazing Texas sun and glaring klieg lights, inspired me to "buff up" for the coming insurgency against PNAC and Halliburton and their puppets in Baghdad.
Cindy also told me not to worry about the $3800 per week training fee. "That's hardly a fraction of what the chickenhawks spent training Casey to die for the Zionist war," she noted. I am humbly dedicating my stay here to Cindy and Casey, and I vow to emerge a slimmer, stronger, more attractive agitator for Truth. See you in a week!
Yours,
Michael Moore
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August 20, 2005
Dear Friends,
There is something very strange going on here. My alarm clock went off at SEVEN FREAKING A.M. this morning, even though I gave the staff strict instructions that I was not to be disturbed before 10:30. The so-called "counselor," Sergio, began barking orders, like a bad cariacture of Curtis LeMay, and forced us down the hallway in an Orwellian march to the dining hall. And I use the term "dining" very loosely. "Breakfast" here apparently means grapefruit and bran flakes, without a single union-made pastry or sausage link to be found. I suspect the food service here may be involved in backroom deals with General Mills and the Florida Citrus cartel, and their exploitation of non-unionized migrant workers.
Gotta go, Sergio is barking something about exercise period.
Keep Agitating,
Michael Moore
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August 20, 2005
Dear Friends,
Have you ever been subjected to 15 straight minutes of side stretches and deep knee touches? Well I have. With every bark of Commandante Sergio and his aerobics interrogators, my mind recalled the painful deprivations of the illegally-held detainees in Gitmo and Abu Ghraib. I intended to document this horror on film and send the tapes to my staff for editing, but when I approached Sergio for an interview he confiscated my camera and microphone.
I am still catching my breath, and late for lunch at the dining hall. More on this silencing of dissent later.
Regards,
Mike
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August 20, 2005
Dear Friends,
Lunch confirms it. Not only is the food service in bed with Big Citrus, they are deeply connected to Tyson and the skinless poultry trust. Can someone please Google "Pritkin dining hall" and see if there is any link to Kellogg, Brown and Root?
Gotta go, I'm catching an hour of the Randi Rhodes show on Air America before afternoon recreation period.
Fight the Power,
Mike
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August 20, 2005
Dear Friends,
The afternoon "recreation" consisted of a gruelling 30 minute bike ride in the sweltering Florida heat. And not an elite Trek model, like the Resident in Thief uses to laze around his ranch. No, we in the working class get cheap, heavy, single speed Huffy beach cruisers, likely made by exploited outsourced Mexican campesinos. During the ride, I was thinking of our overstretched troops, when it hit me: Sergio's accent is unmistakeably Cuban. Just like a certain group of reactionary South Florida Cubans who have conspired to overthrow the Castro government for over 40 years.
This is getting deep. I am exhausted, and will write more tomorrow.
Courage,
Michael Moore
PS - Isn't Jeb Bush married to a Cuban?
PPS - Please send any information you can on the political donations of Huffy Bike executives. I am planning an documentary expose soon.
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August 21, 2005
Dear Friends,
You and I have stood strong against Ashcroft's PATRIOT act and it chilling impact on our liberties. This morning I learned just how fragile those liberties can be. During breakfast weigh-in, Sergio suddenly stopped me -- without probable cause, without so much as a warrant -- and forced me to empty my pockets on a dining hall table. Without even the most basic judicial review or appeal process, he embargoed 6 of my Snickers energy bars, even after I explained I needed the quick energy boost for AM calistenics. Dude, where is my country?
If You're Not Pissed Off, You're Not Paying Attention.
Mike
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August 21, 2005
Dear Friends,
When I set out to expose the the horrors of the American healthcare system in my upcoming documentary blockbuster "Sicko," I had no idea how perverted this country's notion of "heath" really is. That is, until I saw tonight's cafeteria menu. In what kind of sick society is baked fish and carrots considered a meal?
Mike
PS - Don't forget to pre-order you DVDs for "Sicko" at the special Slacker Nation price of $19.95.
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August 21, 2005
Dear Friends,
Tonight it was time for direct action. During dinner I made contact with "Greg," another Pritkin detainee whom, I was told, was Paul Revere of the Center's Minute Man insurgency. Along with two other detainees, we made plans for a daring assault on the Olive Garden Bottomless Pasta special. It was a risky gambit. We disguised ourselves as visitors and maneuvered past two night counselors and out the front door. Just as we were unlocking Greg's rental car, almost tasting the sweet garlic bread of freedom, we were intercepted by two of Sergio's secret diet police thugs.
I smell a rat. Can't talk now, eyes and ears are everywhere.
Mike
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August 22, 2005
Dear Friends,
This morning after AM calisthenics I confronted Sergio with the evidence. I told him I knew about General Mills, Jeb's Cuban connection, the Citrus cartel, the illegal wiretaps, how Pritkin was behind the the whole stinking plan to steal the 2000 and 2004 Florida elections. And do you know what he did? He just stood there and laughed, with that stupid Dubya-styled smirk on his face, and accused me of exercise hallucination.
Nice try, Sergio. But you're not going to whitewash your complicity in 8/22 with smirks and reading "My Pet Goat."
Mike
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August 22, 2005
Dear Friends,
It's high time that we in Slacker Nation stand up to Pritkin and his goose-stepping army of nutritionists and treadmill Eichmanns. Luckily, there are tangible ways that you can strike a blow for progressive dietary freedom. You can do your part by sending one or more of the following supplies:
Double Stuff Oreos
Ragu Alfredo Sauce
Bulk Almond Bark
Pearson Thin Mints
Jumbo Pak Raisinettes
Klondike Bars
Please address your donation to:
Resident, Room A503
Pritkin Longevity Center and Spa
19735 NE 36th Court
Aventura, FL 33160
Also, please encase your donation in a plain brown wrapper and label as "video tapes/ do not scan". Make sure to check 'Overnight/AM Delivery' on the FedEx form. Slacker Nation thanks you, and will pick up the delivery charge.
Truth To Power,
Mike
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August 23, 2005
Dear Friends,
As I stepped off the scale at morning weigh in, I realized that we can no longer avoid the truth: we are engulfed in a quagmire in Aventura. Pritkin sold us lies, that we would find methods of mass weight loss, that we would have delicious meals, that we would have fun, non-strenuous recreation periods. After three days we suffered almost no losses, and it is apparent that this misadventure has only benefitted an elite few: Pritkin, Sergio, and their profiteering masters in the carrot/ grapefruit/ exercycle industry.
It is time that we now set a firm timetable for withdrawal, and all of you can help. Please contact A1 Limo Service of Ft. Lauderdale and send a car to 19735 NE 36th Court in Aventura, so we can begin the slow process of healing and returning to a sane Snickers-based diet.
Keep it Real,
Michael Moore
PS-- If possible, specify a stretch Lincoln Town Car.
