With its 1969 debut, producer Garwood Greenbaum’s domestic sitcom “The Cranston Crew” became a popular fixture of the ABC network lineup. By 1975, however, its ratings were languishing and its writers experimented with various format changes to breathe new life in the series.
“The basic problem was the kids were all growing up and losing their cuteness,” recalls Greenbaum, 88. “We tried various gimmicks like the singing group and celebrity cameos and Cousin Winslow, but we knew we were close to cancellation. Bill Roland [the actor who played father Jim Cranston] was already phoning it in, and was showing up on the set in leather chaps.”
In a last ditch effort to save the series, Greenbaum pitched ABC Network execs on a special two-part crossover episode -- pairing the Cranston Crew in Hawaii with another tired ABC property, the action series “Chutch” starring Jan-Peter Bronston. The memorable episode caused a brief ratings rebound, but both series were cancelled at season’s end.
“We had a great time going to Hawaii for the location shots,” says Greenbaum. “Until Jan-Peter got arrested.”
EPISODE 709: CURSE OF THE PUU-PUU
OPENING THEME SONG
Once there lived a shag-haired widow,
Who had five pretty daughters (that’s a lot!)
All of them were born with flaxen tresses,
The oldest one was hot.She met a certain man name Mister Cranston,
Whose wife as it turns out was also dead.
He was raising up five young brunette brothers,
With perms in ringlets on their heads.To complicate this hairy situation,
They multiplied the numbers six times two,
And made a wacky brand new family,
That everybody calls the Cranston Crew!Cranston Crew Count Off!
Chris! Rhonda! Buddy! Candy! Timmy! Connie! Tommy! Tammy! Robby! Mindy!Watch out world, here comes the Cranston Crew!
SCENE I: THE CRANSTON HOUSE
CHRIS (pounding on door): Come on you girls, we need to use the bathroom!
TOMMY: Yeah, our perms are lifeless and unmanageable!
RHONDA: Absolutely not! We’re getting ready for our dates.
CANDY: Hmmph! Men.
MINDY: Yeth, hmmphth! Men.
MOM: Boys! Girls! Get down here, your father says he has something exciting to tell us! (to Dad) Oh Jim, can't you give me just a little hint?
DAD: Now hold your horses, Helen! You'll find out along with everybody else. There are certain fabulous secrets a man likes to keep from his wife!
MOM: Jim... exactly what kind of secrets are you talking...
(bickering kids enter living room)
CHRIS: Dad, can we get that second bathroom? With all those girls in there, I'll never get my hair fixed in time for the big Eastdale High game!
RHONDA: Dad, the boys are being, well... impossible!
DAD: Now kids, I’ve already told you. We'll worry about a second bathroom after we recarpet the back yard. Besides, after you learn the big news, you'll be too excited to worry about the bathroom.
KIDS (clamoring): Big news? What is it?
DAD: The office assigned me to work on the big Kaluha Tonka hotel project. Pack up everybody, because the Cranstons are going to… Hawaii!
KIDS: Yay!
MOM: Hawaii? Oh, Jim, I could just kiss you!
DAD: Maybe later, Helen -- right now I'm headed to Gilhooley's Department Store to try on some of their stunning new beach ensembles!
SCENE II: TOWNFIELD INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT
(Curbside shot of Cranstons exiting their new 1976 DMC Rotarian Squirewood Estate Wagon)
CANDY: Oh boy, Hawaii, here we come!
P.A. VOICE: Trans Polynesia Flight 156 boarding in five minutes...
MOM: Come on, everybody, hurry or we'll miss our flight!
(Interior shot of Cranstons running through airport)
J.J. SANDERSON: Whoa there, everybody! Where's the fire? Hey, running through airports is my bit!
BUDDY: Wow! It's famous rental car spokesman and All-Pro running back J.J. Sanderson of the Brentwood Broncos! I love how you slash up and down the field leaving a trail of bodies! Can I have an autograph?
J.J. (tousseling Buddy's perm): Haha, sure son. Keep working on those elusive cut moves -- some day maybe you can be an All-Pro slashback, too!
BUDDY: Gosh thanks, J.J.! I've gotta catch up with my family!
(The Cranstons arrive at security check, in line behind a mysterious buckskin-clad stranger)
SECURITY AGENT: ...I'm sorry sir. Authentic indigenous artifacts or not, airline policy does not allow tomahawks or numchucks in carry-on luggage. If you would please step over here...
DAD: Excuse me sir, would you mind if we went first? We're late for our flight.
CHRIS: Yeah, mister, we're going to... holy moley, y-you're... Chutch!
CHUTCH: How.
MOM, DAD: Who?
RHONDA: Honestly, Mom and Dad, get with the 1970's! Chutch -- only the grooviest part-blooded Arapazowee martial arts expert in the Colorado Rockies!
TIMMY: He fights for justice on his custom Bultaco dirtbike!
CANDY: His protest songs are the dreamiest!
TOMMY: And he has a Master's degree... from Sangamon State University!
BUDDY: Look there on his turtleneck, everybody -- it's the Talisman of Tenure from Boulder U.!
KIDS: Woww!
MINDY: Aww, it'th a beautiful kitty!
ZAPATA: Rowwrrr!
MINDY: Yipeths!
CANDY: Mindy, you silly squirt... that's no kitty, that's Chutch's faithful cougar companion Zapata!
MINDY: Hmmpth. I thtill thay he'th a pretty kitty.
MOM: Now kids, where are your manners? Sorry, Professor Chutch, we're the Cranstons, and this is our wacky housekeeper Maxine. I guess you could say she's the family cutup.
MAXINE: 23 Skidoo there, Sittin' Bull!
CHUTCH: Mock my people again, old woman, and I will slit your throat and feed you to the vultures.
ROBBY: Guess what Chutch? We're all going to Hawaii! We're gonna ride a real outrigger and see a volcano! And Chris is entering the big surfing contest at Waiamea Bay!
CHRIS: First prize is one hundred dollars!
CANDY: I'm going on a beach dig for priceless Hawaiian tikis!
CHUTCH: Did you say priceless? Hmm... I will see you aboard the great silver thunderbird, young ones. Havana will have to wait... Chutch and Zapata are going to Hawaii, too.
EVERYONE: Yay!
ZAPATA: Rowwwrrrr!
SECURITY AGENT: Aiieee! Get him off me!
EVERYONE: Ha ha ha!
COMMERCIAL SPOT #1
ANNCR: The New Chelsea Troubadors for Chutch Chero-Kola Lite!
(Singers exit mod paisley teepees wearing Indian headresses and go-go boots; cue jingle)
They took the whole Chero-Kola flavor,
And made a brand new drink to savor.
Squaws and braves will both agree...
Heap big taste, one calorie.Chero-Kola flavor!
Chero-Kola Lite!
Artificial sweeteners!
Sage to give it bite!
Zapata: rowwwrrr!
ANNCR: Now with artificial sage. Some ingredients not FDA approved.
SCENE III: HONOLULU TARMAC
(Chutch, Zapata and Cranstons descend jet stairs to receive leis)
HAWAIIAN GREETER GIRL: Aloha!
CHUTCH: Keep you flowers, you sickening prostitute of white empire. You are a disgrace to your noble warrior ancestors.
TAMMY: Wow, Chutch! Not only do you stick it to The Man, you can stick it to The Woman, too!
DAD: There's never a dull moment around you and Zapata, Chutch -- I'll say that much! I think you taught an entire semester of Arapazowee history to the kids on the flight over.
CHUTCH: Yes, and there is much to learn here as well. I would also be happy to give your children a personal history tour of Hawaii.
MOM: Gosh, that's very nice of you Chutch, but....
TIMMY: Can we Mom? Pleeeeeease?
MOM: Jim, I'm just not sure...
DAD: You saw how good he was with the kids, Helen. Besides, with Chris and Rhonda headed off to college next year, I think they could learn a lot from a real honest-to-goodness professor like Chutch. I think the experience would be, how do the kids say it? "Gravy!"
RHONDA: Groovy, Dad. Honestly!
CHRIS: Does this mean we all can go?
DAD: Yes. You too, Maxine. You can keep an eye out for everybody.
MAXINE: Aye aye, Mister C! Come on Chief, let's you, me and that krazy kittycat get this Wanamulahula luau shakin'!
CHUTCH: I swear by the Great Spirits that I am going to kill you.
(kids, Chutch, Zapata and Maxine leave)
MOM: Ji-im, why do I get the idea you got rid of the kids because you had your mind on - er - other things?
DAD: Guilty as charged, Mrs. Cranston. Now that we're all alone, I thought that maybe we could...
MOM: Ye-e-es?
DAD: Go antiquing at some of those kitschy Hawaii shops Steve the flight attendant told me about.
(Montage shot of Chutch and Cranstons around Honolulu)
SCENE IV: BEACHSIDE
CHUTCH: Do you see it young ones? That is the cursed mountain of Diamond Head.
CONNIE: Why is it cursed, Chutch?
CHUTCH: It was the first sight seen by James Cook and his bloodthirsty white pirates, before they pillaged and destroyed this island paradise. When the white devil came to kill my people, the elders cursed the mountain for the forever-time.
BUDDY: But I thought you were an Indian, Chutch.
ZAPATA: Rowwrrr!
CHUTCH: Easy, Zapata -- he is only a boy, he does not know. Yes, Buddy, I am an Arapazowee. But I am also 7/19 pure Puu-Puu.
TOMMY: Boy, I hope we don't run into the curse of the Puu-Puu!
MINDY: Hmmpth! We're ashthamed to be white, aren't we Cathy Carrydoll? Here Mithter Chutch, you can have thith money I wath thaving for thouvenirs.
CHUTCH: You are learning, young one. You are learning.
SCENE V: PEARL HARBOR
CHRIS: Why did you drop that wreath in the water, Chutch?
CHUTCH: A memorial. To a group of brave Japanese air warriors who struck a blow against American Empire, on this very site, more than thirty years ago. Bow your heads in remembrance, young ones.
ZAPATA: rowr.
(After a somber moment of reflection, Chutch and kids spraypaint USS Arizona Memorial with Rising Sun grafitti)
MAXINE: Gosh Chutch, now that you explained all about Uncle Sam's Pacific genocide monkeyshines, I'm plumb ashamed that I used to jitterbug with the GIs at the USO canteen back during the Big One. Can you ever forgive me?
CHUTCH: Zapata -- attack!
ZAPATA: Rowwwwrrrr!
MAXINE: Wow-wee-wow-wow!
(Kids laugh as Zapata comically chases Maxine through palm grove)
SCENE VI: NIGHT-TIME LUAU
DAD: Wow, what a day! Sightseeing, antiquing... capped off with a delicious Hawaiian buffet!
MOM: And exotic drinks. Keep 'em coming, waiter.
CHUTCH: I'm sorry about Zapata earlier, Maxine. Please, accept this as an apology.
MAXINE (bandaged): What is it?
CHUTCH: A traditional Indian-Hawaiian dish -- organic poi-yote.
MAXINE: Yum, sounds dee-lish!
EMCEE: Welcome to the Mai Kaka, ladies and gentlemen! We have a special treat for you diners tonight: Hawaiian crooner legend Ron Cho!
RON CHO: Hello, everybody. I hear we have a special guest in the house tonight who is quite a singer himself... and 7/19 pure Hawaiian Puu-Puu. If I can, I'd like to coax him up here on the stage for a special number -- ladies and gentleman, Chutch!
Musical Number: 'Puu-Puu Time'
Performed by Jan-Peter Bronston (as Chutch)
Featuring Ron Cho and the Outriggers
Words and music by Ron Cho
When it's Puu-Puu Time in Hawaii,
At Mai Kaka beach shack,
I'm gonna make a mess of gupi duki
In the kitchen in the back!
I'm gonna fill your cup with Pii pii,
And put some kaa kaa on the side,
It's my Arapazowee Aloha
At the Puu-Puu Party tonight!Eat my puu puu kaka pii pii
Eat my gupi duki puu pi
Have another bowl of puu puu
At the Puu-Puu Party tonight!(fade out)
COMMERCIAL SPOT #2
(Steamy martial arts dojo; Jan-Peter Bronston pummeling helpless sparring partner)
ANNCR: Jan-Peter Bronston.
JAN-PETER: Ri-go-ber-ta.... Men-chu!
JAN-PETER VOICE-OVER: As the creator and sensei of six different martial arts, there's nothing I like better than a sweaty workout in the dojo...
JAN-PETER: Zinn!
JAN-PETER VOICE-OVER: ...and the virile aromas that come with it.
JAN-PETER: Hai Chomsky!
(Jan-Peter helps dazed foe to his feet; scene switches to shower)
JAN-PETER VOICE-OVER: Now that rich, manly, musky scent of a dojo workout comes in a bottle -- a bottle of Hai Chomsky cologne.
(Straddling locker room bench, Jan-Peter spritzes himself with a liberal spraying of Hai Chomsky; spotting his vanquished sparring foe, tosses him the bottle)
JAN-PETER VOICE-OVER: Hai Chomsky... the scent that tells a pushy world you're not afraid to give it the back of your hand.
(Jan-Peter and foe trade thumbs-up)
ANNCR: Hai Chomsky... The Karate Chop in a Bottle.
SCENE VII: BEACHSIDE AT WAIAMEA BAY
(Family is on the beach; Chutch and Zapata appear atop the Bultaco)
CHUTCH: Good morning Cranstons. Did you sleep well?
DAD: Nothing like that good fresh Hawaiian air to make a fella want to hit some of the off-the-beaten path Hawaiian nightclubs. Too bad Helen was too tired to join me!
MOM: Oh Christ, my head. Somebody turn off that damn sun.
CHUTCH: Hello, Maxine. Have you tried my poi-yote yet?
MAXINE: And how, Chief! I must have put a half-pound in my scrambled eggs this morning. That stuff... really sticks... to your... ribs...
BUDDY (running across the beach): Mom! Dad! I was beachcombing over there, and found this cool tiki idol!
TIMMY, TOMMY: Hey, we were helping!
BUDDY: Pipe down, squirts! Look, this Hawaiian collectible price guide says it's worth a hundred whole dollars!
CHUTCH: One hundred dollars? Let me see it, Buddy.
(close up of tiki idol; eerie music)
CHUTCH: You must give this idol to me immediately, Buddy. It is cursed... cursed with the Curse of the Puu-Puu. If you don't return it to its rightful tribe, it will curse you -- and your whole white family -- forever!
DAD: A curse? Now, that seems a little farfetched, Chutch!
P.A. ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen! Our next contestant in the Waiamea Bay Surfriding Championship is a late entrant who is vacationing from the mainland... Chris Cranston!
CHRIS: Wish me luck, everybody, it's time separate the gremmies from the cowabungas!
BUDDY: Here, Chris -- take this tiki idol for good luck.
CHUTCH: Noooo! He'll lose the hundred... I mean sacred artifact!
(Chris paddles out into the giant waves of the Pipeline. As he catches a huge 30 foot swell, a closeup shot shows him balancing furiously on the board as surf spray splashes around. Camera focuses on the tiki around his neck. Suddenly he falls off and is consumed by the giant wave)
CRANSTONS: Noooo!
CHUTCH: Noooo!
ZAPATA: Rowwwwwwwr!
MAXINE: Look... at... my... fingers....
TO BE CONTINUED...
STAY TUNED TO IOWAHAWK FOR THE THRILLING CONCLUSION OF CHUTCH AND THE CRANSTONS IN 'CURSE OF THE PUU-PUU'!
Maybe someday we can have Chutch hook up with the washed up Erin Moran and have a Joanie Love Chutchie episode.
Posted by: Marty | March 20, 2005 at 07:44 PM
Keep those slaps of Churchill coming. Very, Very funny.
When is your Washington Post explorers of Jesusland going to end up meeting Chutch on a mountain top outside Boulder?
Posted by: LC Geno | March 19, 2005 at 04:13 PM
CANDY (through braces) : Rhonda, Rhonda, Rhonda
Posted by: Son of a Pig and a Monkey | March 18, 2005 at 03:56 PM
Are you sure Chutch isn't 99.875% Knotan Indian?
Posted by: Frank | March 18, 2005 at 07:42 AM
Robbie - Chutch is of the Farquarwi tribe. Full blood!
Posted by: jack Linard | March 17, 2005 at 02:53 PM
I want to know who Iowa is, Please? And what t.v. shows he writes. I need to hear more of his crazy humor.
Posted by: Chevy Rose | March 17, 2005 at 02:21 PM
I bow before another masterful Iowahawk parody. You get 70's TV, the Brady Bunch, and the actors themselves down perfectly.
Posted by: Greg | March 17, 2005 at 01:48 PM
Agreed on the Chutch T-Shirt....I would absolutely have to have one!!!
Posted by: Brian | March 17, 2005 at 12:30 PM
You are, without a doubt, out of your mind, Iowahawk.
I'm still laughing. Your overall atmosphere alone is funny, not to mention your writing.
--T
Posted by: The Therapist | March 17, 2005 at 10:17 AM
"Hai Chomsky" cologne - you are KILLING us with this stuff, you know. Keep it coming! Cheers.
Posted by: Sheryl | March 17, 2005 at 07:29 AM
Has anybody else noticed that Chutch resembles Jose Feliciano a little. Maybe Chutch is also something like 5/53rd's Hispanic as well.
Chutch is most likely a composite of all oppressed peoples of the world especially if there's a buck to be made.
Posted by: azul93gt | March 16, 2005 at 09:22 PM
As a child of the 70's and former Brady Bunch fan, all I can say is:
BWAHAHAHA!! Very well done!
Posted by: Dr Alice | March 16, 2005 at 07:17 PM
Cool retro thing on the Brady's down to the astroturf backyard.
But, like, where was Buddy Hinton?
Maybe in the next episode, a drunken Joe Namath will drool on one of the Cranston girls.
Posted by: Marty | March 16, 2005 at 06:29 PM
When Chutch gets back from Hawaii maybe he could paddle his canoe over here to New York City to commemorate his idol, Iron Eyes Cody, the fake Native American (he was Italian!) who--with a tear in his eye--paddled a canoe up the polluted Hudson River in one of the early (1971) enviro ads.
Posted by: Tim | March 16, 2005 at 05:48 PM
When are the Chutch t-shirts coming? I want one with the TV show logo on the front, and "You heap big dead, paleface" on the back.
Posted by: Ward Cleaver | March 16, 2005 at 05:04 PM
Utron
"I wonder what Jim's "secret" is."
Enzyte.
Posted by: Ward Cleaver | March 16, 2005 at 05:02 PM
To be continued?!? Damn! How long do we have to wait for the conclusion?
Iowahawk, speaking as somebody who was 15 back in '75, I can say you hit the whole '70s TV thing spot-on.
Posted by: Ward Cleaver | March 16, 2005 at 04:59 PM
I don't know why people rag on Professor Churchill so much, what with him being 100% Hekawi Indian and all.
Posted by: cirby | March 16, 2005 at 04:42 PM
Just when I was feeling sad that Churhill was coming to speak in my province and one of our city magazines wrote a heroizing article about him... iowahawk saves the day :)
Posted by: Robbie | March 16, 2005 at 04:00 PM
Hawaiian hippies used to put poi-yote in their puu puu before they went on vision quests.
Thanks for that pupu-kaka-licious story.
Posted by: standard deviate | March 16, 2005 at 02:35 PM
Eat my puu puu kaka pii pii!
This is what Kirk should have said, instead of "Khaaaaaaaan!"
Posted by: Sam | March 16, 2005 at 12:53 PM
The lisp was an essential detail. I kneel before the lisp.
Posted by: spongeworthy | March 16, 2005 at 12:31 PM
Next Idea, Chutch comes out of his three decade quest in the desert for a new Law & Order: Tribal Council.
Posted by: Brian | March 16, 2005 at 12:29 PM
But will Sam the butcher give Maxine the meat?
Posted by: skinbad | March 16, 2005 at 11:37 AM
Great! I was expecting a shark to show up at the surfing competition.
Posted by: Ian | March 16, 2005 at 11:12 AM
I wonder what Jim's "secret" is.
Posted by: Adrian | March 16, 2005 at 05:54 AM
You realize, of course, that you've inadvertently given the only possible reason for anyone to hope that Prof. Churchill keeps his job: if he goes, "Chutch" gets cancelled. The Law of Unintended Consequences strikes again!
Posted by: utron | March 16, 2005 at 12:46 AM
i never understood why zapata hung out with chutch. you don't usually see cougars with jackasses.
Posted by: sj | March 16, 2005 at 12:17 AM
I haven't read this yet; I just wanted to be first in line. OK, I'm going to read it now...
Posted by: profligatewaste | March 15, 2005 at 11:01 PM