Court Backs 3-Oxen Dowries

WASHINGTON, DC - In a far-reaching decision that will likely create complicated consequences for the American livestock and wedding-planning industries, the Supreme Court this morning ruled 5-4 that all US marriage dowries "must include three non-diseased oxen."

Writing for the majority, Justice Anthony Kennedy cited "the weight of the expansive penumbra surrounding the historically emerging and prevailing opinions of tribal shamans from Lesotho to Myanamar" in issuing the historic ruling in American Cattleman Association vs. Modern Bride, Helverson, et al.

In a scathing and sometimes caustic dissent, Judge Antonin Scalia wrote that "Holy. Freakin'. Shit."

The American Civil Liberties Union, which had filed an amicus brief in the case, praised the decision as "an important first step in insuring that American grooms will eventually share the same access to bovine property rights as the rest of the international community."

"The decision underscores the principle of Federalism by creating uniformity in our notoriously inconsistent state dowry laws," noted Harvard Law professor Lawrence Tribe. "For example, Iowa grooms are entitled to $300 and a two-night honeymoon trip to the Wisconsin Dells, while just across the border in Missouri, grooms only get $200 and a set of air shocks for their TransAm. Thankfully, the Court has brought some sanity to the situation."

Besides expanding the rights of male clanspeople in dowry disputes, the sweeping 600 page Supreme Court opinion clarified U.S. law across a broad spectrum of civil, economic and traffic codes. Among the highlights:

Citing EU and Belgian case law, the Court declared that signage on U.S. Interstate Highways must be translated to both French and Flemish by 2007.

The Court also reconciled a number of conflicting Japanese/US traffic standards, ruling that starting Friday, motorists may drive on either side of American roads.

In another civil finding, the Court noted prevailing Nepalese-Canadian-Yemeni standards in opening the way for legalized stonings at arranged gay marriages.

The ruling overturned a 7th Circuit decision by declaring "The First Rule of Fight Club" unconstitutional on First Amendment grounds.

By a 5-4 margin, it reversed death sentences for prisoners convicted of crimes committed while juveniles; however, the Court ruled that states may voluntarily terminate prisoners as "extremely late-term abortions" under Roe v. Wade.

Overturning a previous decision by a European panel, the Court declared Associate Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg winner of the 2003 Eurovision Song Contest.

In a surprise finding, the Court ruled itself unconstitional; but, citing the tradition of international courts ignoring US court rulings, said that this ruling itself was unconstitutional.

Attorneys for defendant John Helverson said their client "would make a good faith effort" to comply with the decision, and said he was already constructing an oxen feedlot in the back yard of his Glendale, CA home in anticipation of the May wedding of his daughter Ashley, 25.

"Though we are disappointed, we and Mr. Helverson respect the Court's decision," said attorney Mark Epstein. "With another case under review, we can't afford a contempt citation."

In a related case, the Court is expected to rule sometime in late March whether Ashley Helverson and fiance Jason Garcia can be extradited to Saudi Arabia to face the death penalty for fornication.

Comments

[DrLaszlo]

Am I too late? What in the goddamm hell are you people talking about?

[TallDave]

Great stuff.

[Joanne]

Don't find it funny- and find it frightening that my son does find it so hysterical. Why not just become Saudi Arabia or China and execute kids- you can't seriously think executing children is a good thing simply because murder is so horrendous---- what kind of reasoning is that?

[Dave J]

Funninest thing I've read in a while...since the Hunter Thompson Scooby-Doo episode, actually.

Legal pedantry:

"The only foreign law that should be considered is British common law as established before July 4, 1776."

There's no such thing as "British" common law. That's ENGLISH common law. The Scots have separate law and seperate courts they were allowed to keep under the terms of the 1707 Act of Union that created the UK. Scots private law is civil law, like on the Continent, although uncodified and with heavy common-law influences: since Scots criminal, administrative and procedural law is the public law of the UK, this makes Scotland, together with Louisiana, Quebec, Puertor Rico, South Africa, Israel and Sri Lanka one of the world's mixed jurisdictions.

And people said going to law school in New Orleans would be unproductive? ;-)

[triticale]

Two points:

1) How do I go about non-diseasing an ox?

2) Regardless of existing precedent, everyone was totally stoned at the one gay wedding I attended.

[ARC: StWendeler]

You HAVE to send this to that whiny Stephen Breyer... Who got schooled by Scalia in their little discussion on this matter. What a bunch of tools we have in black robes.

[StevEviL]

Here's the WSJ take on the matter:
http://www.opinionjournal.com/editorial/feature.html?id=110006361S

[StevEviL]

OMFG! LOLOLOLOL!!!

Awesome. Iowahawk clubbed the Supremes with logic like I club baby seals for breakfast. Delicious!

[baksheesh]

Brilliant! Hilarious!

[Nekretaal]

This just in:

Overturning a three judge panel, the Supreme Court has just installed Clay Aiken as the Next American Idol.

[Tongueboy]

Professor Tribe has Missouri dowry custom completely wrong. Shocks for a Trans Am? Pshaw! The market price - er - dowry for a bride currently stands at 2 cases of Sudafed 30-packs, 25 cans of Drano, 1 case of Heet and a Coleman camp stove.

And a drum of anhydrous ammonia if she's really really hot - like Britanny Spears hot. Hey, it ain't easy tappin' a tank of anhydrous ammonia at 3 am without gettin' "the vapors", as they call AA poisoning 'round these parts. We've got our standards.

[sissoed]

Another great item by Iowahawk. As a DC lawyer I know this one is right on the mark. And the guy who posted above about British Common Law in 1776 is right -- except technically, for cases involving the US Constitution, the U.S. court decisions pick 1789, the year the Consitution was adopted.

[Jay]

My brain cells came back with a 5-4 decision:

You have one Awesome blog!! Keep up the good work.

Jay

[Son of a Pig and a Monkey]

This just in:

SCOTUS has, based on a review of Sudanese law, concluded that Thirteenth Amendment (abolition of slavery) is unconstitutional.

Okay Remus, give back the 25 acres and the mule and come on in here...

[Scott]

That was damn funny.

[Tom]

The only foreign law that should be considered is British common law as established before July 4, 1776. If any in congress had a spine or balls, the constitution would be invoke and these courts regulated in the PEOPLE'S house.

[RJ]

I laughed until I cried. Not because the laughing was so extreme as to cause tears to form, but because I realized this is not too far off from reality...

[Lambert]

Oh my goodness, that was funny.

[John Tabin]

In another civil finding, the Court noted prevailing Nepalese-Canadian-Yemeni standards in opening the way for legalized stonings at arranged gay marriages.

Frickin' brilliant.

[Vorpal]

I tried to laugh. But this one scared me too much. I realised today that we could defeat the Krauts, the Ruskies, and the A-rabs and STILL end up committing national suicide via our own corrupted institutions. God Have mercy

[Bubba James]

Hell, I married my Rhode Island Red hen and alls I got was a big dose of clucks!

[half-vast conspirator]

Truth IS stranger fiction, I s'pose.
The death penalty provided me with the comfort of knowing I would not have to exact revenge should someone, say, murder my daughter. Now I'll have to have the prepubescent punk next door do the job. "Vengence is mine!" sayeth the lad.

[Al Maviva]

Hey, lay off Justice Kennedy. Every Justice has to be free to mature in office, to discover his own humanity and to define for himself the mystery of international law trends used as normative factors in Constitutional law.

[Al]

Expanding on Jack's point:
The ABA thinks 12 year olds are competent to be involved in deciding the fate of a life.

The ABA thinks 17.99 year olds are not competent.

What I want to know is if the zoning restrictions I'm under are Constitutional - I can't have 3 cows in my house, and that seems to forbid me from marrying.

[Cecile]

Good point, Jack. This post was well done, 'Hawk.

[malclave]

In breaking news, the U.S. Supreme Court has declared the Declaration of Independence unconstitutional, as it includes references to "Nature's God" as well as a "Creator".

[Jack Linard]

Isn't it interesting that the death penalty is legal for those aged 0 years minus a few weeks even though they have not harmed anyone, but it is now illegal for for those aged 18 years minus a few weeks even though they have plundered, murdered and gang-raped their way across 3 states.

[Raving Norseman]

Brilliant. I base that comment on the fact that I am a self-professed second-rate intellect, and it took me a moment to catch on to the point.

[Will]

Way too good. Where's the Paypal button?

[Write Winger]

Awesome!

In a scathing and sometimes caustic dissent, Judge Antonin Scalia wrote that "Holy. Freakin'. Shit."

BWAHAHAHHAHAA!

You are officially at the top of my daily blog run.

[Robbie]

I always suspected the courts would rule themselves unconstitutional! Although I figured they would rule the constitution unconstitutional first.

[TAZZ]

I hope that you're saving these somewhere, Iowahawk, on your hard-drive, on CDs, on floppy discs, printed out and buried underground in fireproof boxes in several locations over four continents, whatever, just I hope they're all safe for posterity. Are you coming out with a book? Anything?

[capitano]

I think you should lay off Justice Kennedy.

These issues are obviously beyond the power and ability of the various state legislatures to resolve on their own. So if we didn't want him making decisions like this, we shouldn't have elected him.

[Anselmo Cardinal Trentino]

Is this true?

How come I didn't see this on Drudge?

[Blue Chip]

Way too funny! I love "terminate prisoners as "extremely late-term abortions" under Roe v. Wade." My computer screen has diet sprite all over it!

[29]

And I just fixin to move to Missouri so I could git some new shocks for my Trans Am.

Damn SCOTUS!

[Sam]

WTF?? I wanted 10 cows, not 3 oxen! Lousy Kennedy disappoints me again.