What Happens In Davos, Stays In Davos

Rush transcript - must credit iowahawk! Our Swiss correspondent has located the elusive Eason Jordan videotape, in a dumpster behind George Soros' ski chalet in Lucerne.

Moderator Arsenio Hall: ...(unintelligible) is this thing on? Okay, hello? Okay, if everbody can please take a seat. Okay, I'd like to welcome everybody to Day Two of the World Economic Forum here in Davos. Y'all havin' a good time?

Crowd: Woof woof woof!

Hall: Oh, hell yeah. I heard some rumors in the breakfast buffet line that some of you fellas were kickin' it a little late last night...

Unidentified voice: you got that right, Arsenio!

[crowd laughter and woofing]

Hall: In fact, I haven't seen these many red eyes and guilty faces since I emceed the EU Conference on Balkan War Crimes!

[crowd laughter]

Hall: Damn, when my agent set up this emcee gig, he warned me that you guys like to pah-tay, but I had no idea. No idea! Hey, is David Gergen out there? (singsong voice) Da-vid Ger-gen! Dawg, all I gotta say is you gotta learn to pace yourself. The lap dancers over at Klub Guildenslutz told me you were handing out so many 20 Euro notes last night, they now think they're officials in the UN Oil For Food program!

[woofing and laughing; David Gergen seen standing, spinning a G-string on his finger]

Hall: Okay, okay, all joking aside, fellas -- I know y'all are going home in two days, back to your wives and stockholders and bloggers, so it's important that we keep the details of the conference between ourselves. Remember - what happens in Davos, stays in Davos.

[applause]

Hall: Quick reminder - lunch will be served in the Waldheim Room at noon, followed by our afternoon workshops. We adjourn at 3 sharp, so you boys will have a chance to hit the slopes, or trade a few business cards over cocktails. Remember, the bus for the Time Warner Dinner Party leaves at 7, and they've got some very special entertainment lined up for you boys tonight!

Unidentified Voice: Tell us who it is, Arsenio!

Arsenio: No no no, I swore to keep it a secret. [crowd shouting] All right, you dragged it out of me. You ready for this? Christiane Amanpour's All Star Correspondette Burlesque Review!

[woo-hoos, whistles, stomping]

Hall: Okay, let's get down to business, since I know a lot of you are on expense accounts. Our first speaker of the day comes from the world of media. He is executive vice president and chief news executive of CNN. He is mack daddy chair of the CNN Editorial Board. He is flat out the biggest balla out of Atlanta since Ludacris. Get your pimp cup in the air for Mista EAAAASON JORDAAAAAN....

[crowd woofing; Hall and Jordan soul-shake]

Jordan: Thank you Arsenio, and thank you delegates. It's a real pleasure to speak to you today. I originally intended to center my remarks around building global news market share, but as we have all seen, this is becoming increasingly difficult in our fragmented media world. On the one hand, we have see the welcome emergence of ethical competitors like Al-Jazeera [applause], but we have also seen an infestation of sleazy fly-by-night operators like Fox [boos] ...and unregulated blogs [boos] ...who have spoiled what once was a golden goose for many of us.

While it would certainly be wonderful to regain share, ultimately we need to focus on the bottom line. At CNN we have paid close attention to carefully containing costs, but in such a way that does not impact our news product. For example, we achieved significant cost savings by accelerated depreciation of Larry King's suspenders, and outsourcing our teleprompter feed to the Democratic National Committee. And, while we certainly didn't support the invasion and occupation of Iraq, it allowed us to cancel our bribe contract with Ba'athist officials -- freeing up essential bribe budgets for our other stations in the Mideast. As they, say, every cloud has a silver lining.

But, I don't want to be blithe about our the challenges we face. For example, if we don't get some control on the US Military deliberately targeting and shooting our field reporters, we are certainly going to face some steep increases in health care premiums for our employees. Second... umm, yes? Congressman Frank?

US Congressman Barney Frank: With all due respect, Mr. Jordan, what the fuck? I mean... what the fucking fuck!?

Jordan: Excuse me?

Frank: You just stood there and accused American soldiers of deliberately targeting, hunting down and shooting journalists.

[extended silence]

Jordan: Yes... I guess I'm just confused on the point you're trying to make.

Frank: My point is, do you actually have any evidence of that? I mean that the US military is deliberately killing journalists?

Jordan: Oh. Umm, okay, I think I see where you're going with that. Well, there are certainly accusations of that, and obviously we wouldn't be doing our jobs as journalists if we didn't recognize the existence of the accusations.

Frank: But you just stated it as fact.

Jordan: Well, duh. It's a fact: there have been accusations.

Unidentified Voice: I am a journalist, and the Imperialist American soldiers killed me.

Jordan: See [pointing]? Well, there you go. Jesus, Barney, what's with the third degree here? I thought you were gay.

Frank: What the fuck does that have to do with anything?

Jordan: I just think it's kind of odd that a gay guy like you would stand there and shill for Fox News. I never had you pegged for one of those Log Cabin types.

Frank: I am not shilling for Fox! I am asking a simple question - do you have a single shred of evidence of your accusation that the US military is engaged in war crimes against journalists? If so, I want to know so the Congress can investigate and...

[booing]

Hall: C'mon, dawg, let the man answer the question. Peace. We all want to make the lunch buffet.

Jordan: Well, if you're asking do I have photos, or signed confessions, or witnesses and such, then no. But I talk to field producers all the time, and they tell me that a lot of these US soldiers are gung-ho types from Jesusland. Do you really think we should wait around for them to snap, before we talk about their latent journicidal fantasies?

Frank: What planet are you from? American soldiers are protecting journalists in Iraq every day!

Jordan: Well, Barney, you say protect, I say target, let's call the whole thing off, yadda yadda yadda.

Hall: Hey y'all, they're giving me the high sign, we're just going to have to agree to disagree, and leave it there. Let's all take a 10 minute bio-break, and when we return Abdul Malik Salim of Al Jazeera will give his presentation entitiled "The International Zionist Plot to Sabotage Arab TV Ratings." And will somebody wake up David Gergen?

END TRANSCRIPT

UPDATE: I'd like to note that PBS Watch was on the Davos/Vegas "happens here stays here" angle back on Feb. 2.

Comments

[Mark]

Hey, I'm another innocent journalist-targeted by the imperialist Americans- who was just doing his job, taping the beheadings etc. of miserable traitors like that Hasaan chick. (How'd she rate gettin' off so easy with a bullet to the back of the head?) Man we're gettin' soft.
I mean, Abdul Faruq Arnett, reporting from Bagdad. Back to you Eason...er Mohammad.
...Could I get a Allahdamn powder here !?! My fuckin' nose is giving away our position to those U.S. badasses.

[A.R.Yngve]

I am sure that Eason Jordan will be vindicated... when he or some other intrepid journalist produces the irrefutable evidence supporting his accusations.

(Such as: sworn testimonies, video footage of assassinations, interviews with conscience-stricken soldiers and officers, eyewitness reports, autopsies of dead journalists with American bullets found in them, etc.)

Real Soon Now, the story will break... any moment, the shocking scandal will be all over the news... hum-de-dum... any second now...

Still waiting... I have faith... the truth will come out to-morrow, to-morrow... la-la-laa... all good things come to those who wait... patience is a virtue... somebody got marshmallows we can roast...?

-A.R.Yngve
http://yngve.bravehost.com

[jo macDougal]

Another great post. Up there with Chappa Teddy and the Olds. Keep up the good work!

[Anselmo Cardinal Trentino]

This is soupa stuff, IowaHawk, funny, and pointed, clever, and charmingly obscene. Terrific piece, buster.

[Tony]

You could easily devote an entire blog to parodies like this. Thanks for a great simplification of an otherwise real and pathetic situation. Also, thanks for the laugh. Damn that was creative....

[spongeworthy]

"Out of print" means "Sold Out"! That means my copy's going to be valuable someday. I'll have to go out and dig it up from under the corncobs and torn up Sears catalogues.

Cringe if you will, but the book contains the immortal piece about Euros not getting the Clinton thing, which IMO is the bit all others are measured against. A lot of folks don't even know that's Hawks work. Dig that sucker out--I bet you'll be surprised how many folks remember it but know not where from it comest.

[fretless]

"Jim" [if that IS his real name] said: "Go join the US Army and put your writing to rest."

What the fuck? What the fucking fuck?

I guess you think you've made your ... um ... point (?!??), but ... well ... What The FUCKING FUCK?

[Jim]

Go join the US Army and put your writing to rest.

[jesusland joe]

Heh! That was real funny! HeHeHe! But how can you be sure that Ward won't join with Eason and become a native American journilistic casualty of the war in Iraq? Huh, how can ya? Ha, got you that time, Mr. Iowahawk!

[Pete]

Great site... thanks for helping me kill some time! :)

[Amalie]

Iowahawk

You are brilliant and sublime.... I've read your writings posted over on LGF and now must come here myself to discover your other missives of the bizarre world we live in.

Woof-woof

Amalie

[random m]

No book? Dang.

I agree-Barney Frank, who stood up for us & demanded answers should be recognized for the effort. In this political climate its easy to forget not all of the Left are Looney Lefty Moonbats. Some still have integrity even if their views are not Right.

[mark]

after all the outrage expressed by Gergen(on Msnbc) over the Zell Miller speech at the GOP convention, you'd think he'd be more offended by the head of an american news division, broadcast world-wide, openly establishing/supporting the belief that US military was targeting journalists.

What's to stop him from giving press credentials to detainees in Gitmo?

PS to Iowahawk: Please stop being funny, or my wife will leave me for you.

[iowahawk]

utron: spongey is being overly kind about that book. I sort of cringe at it now. Besides, I'm pretty sure it's out of print, and the subject matter (largely satires about Lewinsky) has gotten stale.

Thanx to those of you who suggested I compile a book, but... been there, done that, hated the whole process. If want to circulate my stuff, email the links or print it out. If it gives you guilt, drop me a buck on PayPal.

[utron]

Spongeworthy--

Thanks for the tip re "Boy, 10." I'll definitely track that down.

[one more captins mast]

So, as in the past, a-la, the "old monk"

buring, the girl, in the road burning,

and on and on , from Vietnam,,, the AP the

nut case liar's of American left mud/in/your/eye

writers has once more begun its ,,,

American Marines, Navy, Air Force, Army, and

Coast Guard,, are all, mass murders and vile

killers of women and children

IT GETS OLD AN WORN,,,,,, AND A BIT NUTTY..

re: the old monk burning for example

1. who's car is in the back ground
(French journlist ???)

2. What did the two "commie Buddist monks have to

do with the "fire"

3. Was the old "monk" druged the nite before

4. Driven to the location by the "commie Monks"

5. "redruged" by them

6. Who called the "american AP guy" who did the

photo work

7. Who "lit" the fire

8. Does Ted "gobble, gobble " of nitelie tell

the story over and over and over.... and why

YES IT IS ALL OLD STUFF

AND SO BORING

one more captins mast
from the Swiftvets disscusion board

Kerry does "liesome"

[Galatical Observer]

Thank you for so much great stuff! Keep it up!
Ditto utron: When will you publish a book? I have friends who would love it -- and it would solve my gift list problems next Christmas.

[spongeworthy]

He has a book, called Boy, 10. It's a howl.

Highly recommended--you'll laugh so loud nobody'll even hear you flush.

[utron]

Iowahawk--

Please, please, please put out a book! My gift list is full of moonbat types who would laugh their heinies off at your stuff, and hate themselves for laughing. You can't provoke that kind of cognitive dissonance by giving people "Home of the Whopper" boxers (although I may yet send a pair to Mr. Jordan).

[Blue Chip]

Too Funny! I love parody and satire. You're better than Rob Long (of NR). Great job!

[DSB]

You funny fucker you.

[Dean Esmay]

Whoops, the above comment was accidentally left as if it were from my wife, which it wasn't. I'm just on her machine and didn't notice it was remembering her info not mine.

But anyway, to completely change the subject: have you noticed how much of a standup guy Barney Frank comes off in this thing? To be honest even when I've disagreed with him I've always respected him. He gets picked on by conservatives but in truth he's generally a standup guy.

[Rosemary the Queen of All Evil]

Heh. Dogpile on the Iowahawk!

"Frank: My point is, do you actually have any evidence of that? I mean that the US military deliberately killing journalists?"

US military deliberately killing journalists. Also heap big white chief in Washington make treaty with Iroquois (or Iraqis, we sometimes confused).

Seriously: brilliant bit of writing. If I were half as funny as you I'd be a lucky man. Just ask IMAO's Frank J., I'm legendary for spotting his typos.

I, on the other hand, am the world's most perfect blogger, and NEVER EVER make typos. ;-)

[Vox Poplar]

I just read your Davos transcript and I have to say, you're a freakin' genius. Classic political satire.

[Adrian]

I can't believe you give this stuff away for free (although I am grateful). You are truly one gifted and talented writer, one I would be happy to pay to read. Put out a book, Dave. A best of or something. You really deserve compensation for your talent.

[iowahawk]

Nits removed, your Wordship!

grrmble grmb snazzn frazzit

[David Gillies]

Well, if you want another nit to pick, it's Christiane Amanpour. But I still doff my cap to your genius.

[iowahawk]

Hmmph. There, I fixed the misspelling. I pray I am no longer offending the schoolmarms.

[indignant sulk]

[Craig Mc]

All hail IowaHawk. It just gets better and better...

[brandon davis]

Thank you, Dean ...it's good to know that others are as anal as I am.

[Dean Esmay]

Nit to pick:

"..if we don't get some control on the US Military deliberately targeting as shooting our field reporters..."

Targeting as shooting? Should that be "targeting AND shooting?"

[SallyVee]

>

Love the teleprompter bit. Love the whole thing. Had no idea Arsenio Hall was still available!

P.S. I don't think Barney is covering for Jordan. Sen. Dodd either. But Gergen, definitely.

[Jumbo]

Outstanding. Tone and setting which captures all perfectly. You've been operatring at a very high level for a long time. IHawk, you are a god.

[don't be that guy]

That's it, I have to start finding better dumpsters to dive in. You are an Blooming Onion!
Thanks for the laugh...

[paul]

Hawk,
You channeled the hell out of that conference, another stellar performance, what do you mix PBR with to reach this plateau?

[JorgXMcKie]

Funniest damn thing I've read in weeks. Also, way too close to the truth.

[Robin Goodfellow]

"I am a journalist, and the Imperialist American soldiers killed me."

Gotta admit, you got me with that one. 'Tis teh funny.

[John in Tokyo]

Regarding the authenticity of this transcript, I think the best characterization would be:

"Fake but accurate"

and maybe "genius" too.

[The Powers That Be]

Great stuff! *bookmarked*

[TIm McNabb]

Berg, you are one sick freak - I like it.

[JoeS]

Why are David Gergen and Barney Frank covering this up for Eason Jordan?

Maybe they are on the CNN payroll. Maybe they still want to get invited to all the "cool" parties.

Maybe they are all disgraces. Smelly, rotten, whitewashed tombs.

[TallDave]

Brilliant again.

The Daily Show wishes they could do half as well.

[Kevstar]

Wow. Pass the Kleenex.

I have a blurry screen, do you all see it?

totally whacked.

Bookmark for daily guffah, get writtin Iowa!

[Jeff]

The past two posts -- great stuff. Stellar, even. I can imagne a dialogue bewteen the CNN phoney and the "Indian" fraud of a professor... and only you, Iowahawk, could pull it off.

I still owe you a beer at Shubbas.

[phyllis]

Amid all the bad stuff we have to endure from the left, it does really help to LAUGH. Thank you. Bless you. Stay well and keep going.

[Sergio]

Iowahawk, with the last three posts you have claimed permanent ownership of the attention of a thousand former Onion readers. You are the new Onion, only you are fried; more like an onion ring, from the most mental, something-not-right-in-the-water Burger King in Jesusland. Hallelujah. How can we pay you without, you know, giving you actual money.

[John from WuzzaDem]

"Jordan: Well, duh. It's a fact: there have been accusations."

That's it - there's nothing left to say. I'm giving up blogging and taking up golf.

[Matt]

Quoting Marv:

"YESSSSS".

Funny stuff sir.

[Harkonnendog]

"I thought you were gay."
ROFLMAO!!! Just want to say thank you.

Re the burlesque link: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.........MY EYES!!!!!!!!no no no no no

[Mark]

Sir,

I don't know what you do for a living. I do know you should be paid for writing comedy. If SNL did a skit of your "transcript" it would be the funniest skit aired since the late '70's.

[Name withheld]

I love your work. Unfortunately, I fear that your version is actually tamer and less anti-American than the real thing.

[m]

Bless you.
Part II?