The Truth is Out There

Iowahawk Special Commentary
by "Deep Blog"

Psst... you... citizen investigator... over here. Here, by the permalink.

Okay, stop. Let's hear the countersignal.

Excellent. Now edge closer to the BlogAd shadow. Rove's ears are everwhere, even in TypePad... especially in TypePad.  Okay, that's close enough. And no questions, you're here to listen. And learn. Poppy's Rolex is ticking and you need time as much as you need clues.

Finally got here, eh? I've been waiting. Nice work on Gannon/Guckert, but don't get cocky, citizen sleuth. Every time you unravel a thread, Rove and the Skull & Bones PsyOps boys are knitting two steps ahead of you -- crocheting their next Afghan macrame adventure.

Remember: connections. Connections.

We both know that Rove's puppets in the rightwing media control tower have cancelled all flights to Truth City. That doesn't mean they've confiscated the roadmaps. Quick... act like you're asking me for a cigarette. When I hand to you, I want you to "accidentally" drop it... okay, now pick it up along with the manila envelope.

Dammit, nonchalantly!

Good. Now open it slowly.

Tread softly, because Rove's roots run deep and crooked. For every real clue you find, BushCo has planted two to lead you down a blind alley.

The first thing you have to ask yourself: why was this whole White House fake document gay prostitution CIA spy outing ring just waiting there for you, wrapped up nice and tidy in a little bow? Please. You only know what you know because that's exactly what Karl wants you to know.

Stop being so naive. So far you're just another sucker huckstered Into Rove's Machiavellian Texas Funhouse of Mirrors. If you want to find the exit, listen for the carnies that aren't barking.

Gannon? A well-endowed red herring. Let's just say "gay escort Repugnican journalist" makes a very distracting cover when your real gig is, say -- pool cleaner for a certain Mr. and Mrs. "Joe Wilson" of Alexandria, VA.  Shocked? Don't be. Plame and Wilson have been on the Rove payroll for years. Karl brilliantly used them to nail three birds with two undercover stones: take progressives' money, discredit them, and get some high-impact product placement for the Duncan Hines cartel.

Those CBS conveniently forged, yet entirely accurate documents? Obviously the handiwork of Karl's West Wing elves. But if you think "Gannon" was the conduit to Mapes you are barking up the wrong homo, my friend. Karl has more than a few panicked moles inside Black Rock hoping to throw you off the scent. Let's just say you may want to start "connecting the Dotties," because the plot is about to thicken like a TANG-y sweet salad dressing. Remember: the truth is out there. Buried below a modern 64,000 square foot plant in Duncan, Nebraska.

Seeing a pattern? Rule #1 in the Rove Matrix is careful who you trust. That website with the impeccable progressive credentials could easily be a Rove / GOPig front operation -- draining millions of dollars from credulous liberal dupes and throwing it away on doomed campaigns. If your instincts tell you someone to trust somebody, then run. He's probably a plant, and the voices could be from Rove's mind control drones.

Shhh! Did you just hear that?

This meeting is getting too dangerous -- too dangerous for both of us. Here, take this. If Rove's operative get hold of you, swallow it. It will help you maintain your cover as just another FauxNews brainwashed sheeple. 

Now get out of here you magnificent, foolhardy bastard. And remember -- like all communiques of the Underground Reality-Based Resistance, this conversation never happened.

THIS BLOGPOST WILL SELF-DESTRUCT IN 5 MINUTES

Comments

[Son of a Pig and a Monkey]

Mr. Iowayhawk:

Was I the last to notice that GNAT spelled backwards is.........TANG. I think that proves everything.

[Diva In Training]

Yes, but where are the Stonecutters?

(The fact that they're not on the matrix just proves that they actually do control everything.)

[Carl Zeichner]

There is one link you missed:
The name of a popular set of novels beloved by evangelicals is "Left Behind".
The name of President Bush's comprehensive educcational program is "No Child Left Behind".
Coincidence? I don't think so

[Randal Robinson]

The key to everything is the Sammy Sosa trade to the Cubs. If Sosa had stayed with the Rangers they might have taken the AL West convincing Dubya to stay on in Arlington as team owner rather than taking a run at Ann Richards in the governor's race. Karl Rove couldn't allow that to happen so he pulls the strings on the Sosa trade, the Rangers remain AL West doormats and the rest is history.

It's all so clear.

[LHM]

WOOT! One of the best!!!

[Markytom]

If you want to find the exit, listen for the carnies that aren't barking.

Exceptional. Very, very funny. And, of course, Kevin Bacon is related somehow. Are Lucy Ramirez and Karl Rove one in the same?

[Fake Plastic Turkey Explained]

The "fake turkey" flap is what first moved me from MSM to blogs.

Bush November of last year visited the troops in Iraq for Thanksgiving. The troops loved it, but the newspaper headlines screamed: "Bush Poses with Fake Turkey in Staged Photo-Op".

Except the turkey was real.

People in the press kept making fun of the "fake turkey President" long after the fake turkey hoax was debunked. They wanted to believe it so badly that they tried to make it true.

What followed was an unending stream of scandals both pathetic and bizarre stemming from mainstream media's unprofessional undisguised hatred of George W. Bush:

The Christmas in Cambodia question they refused to ask, Laura Blumenfeld's "Lucky Hat" story she denied writing once it began damaging Kerry, an accusation of cowardice from th L.A. Times against Paul Bremer for leaving Iraq without making a farewell speech which he in fact made, and most famously a certain "fake but accurate" memo Walter Cronkite blamed on Karl Rove.

It all started with the New York Times' fake turkey. They believed in their plastic talisman like Abbie Hoffman believed he levitated the Pentagon. It was to be Bush's "Dukakis in a Tank Moment". Instead it was a correction buried on a back page and blogged all over the internet.

[The Powers That Be]

Brilliant.

Keep up the great work. I'm a new reader and fellow blogger. I found your "What Happend in Davos Stays in Davos" and this post so fantastic that I linked them both on my own blog.

[mailman]

Where does the "Fake Plastic Turkey" fit in?

[A.R.Yngve]

What IS it about Americans and paranoia? You always talk about freedom, and yet you love to go on and on about secret societies and conspiracies...

Truly evil people are not so hung up on "keeping up appearances" as you might think. They mostly do their evil in broad daylight: genocide, murder, kidnapping, terrorism, murder, torture, embezzling of public funds, flaunting the wealth they bought with said funds, inviting children to their homes for you-know-what -- with perhaps a little ideological windowdressing, a self-justifying speech or two -- and often don't give a damn if they are "found out."

The real truth is: there are no conspiracies. It's all out in the open. We just choose to look the other way.

A.R.Yngve
http://yngve.bravehost.com

[jinnderella]

Like all Funhouses-- "pay to get in, pray to get out!"

[Beto Ochoa]

You people think this is so funny but it's not! I was one of the 10,000 illegal Mexicans (every Mexican is illegal in some way, usually it's just the choice rims on his muy linda girlfriends car) that dug the pit and poured the concrete for the Shadow Government Building. The others are buried in that hole. I got away by convincing Joe Wilson that my Mom had some Carne Asada tacos in my car. Stupid white man, my Mom is in Mexico! Ha! Karl Rove took the other vatos organs and sold them to finance the project (he couldn't use his Amex card because that's too easy to trace) then he drained their blood and buried the corpses in a Skull and Bones ritual. The truth is out there!

[Brenda]

Thanks for the endorphin rush. Hahahaha, I like your style.

[utron]

Brilliant work on uncovering the CBS News/salad dressing connection, Iowahawk. Just like I always suspected: it's all about the oil and vinegar...

[DWC]

Cheese it, Dave, the cops! Roll up your blog and get the hell out of Dodge!!

[Abigail]

Maybe you think you're just making fun of lefties, but there is still an eerie similarity between the Bush Twins and Olsen Twins that's just not right.

[foreign devil]

I always love your parodies, Iowahawk, but I especially love your board game in this one. How many hours did that take you? It's hilarious! Luv it!

[ForNow]

Dean, McAuliffe, Gore -- Rove controls them all! In your heart you know they're "differently" medicated.

[Photios]

I haven't laughed this much in a long time. I really think you are a genius.

Very great stuff.

+Photi

[josil]

you missed the darkest and cleverest Rove trick of all. he fooled (almost) everybody by inserting Dean into the very heart of the enemy operation--the DNC. everytime Dean is about to be exposed, he screams "i hate republicans" and throws everyone off the track...even you, you poor dupe!!

[JWebb]

Ditto, macstansbury.

[Robbie]

Just awesome!

[JWebb]

"I wonder if anybody else will get the Slauson Cutoff joke."

Indeed, Manning. Art Fern took the ultimate Fork in the Road.

[Dan Up, Baby!]

Foiled again, Iowahawk! I've been trumpeting the Gnat Lileks/Notorious B.I.G. connection for weeks now.

[n00b]

Hey, I got it, and you can Cutoff my Slauson if I'm lying! Hey-Ohhhh!

[Jeff]

I'm dying over here! Somebody make him stop!

[Cheney W. Halliburton]

Dang -- even I'm confused.

[macstansbury]

I wonder if anybody else will get the Slauson Cutoff joke.

[Mannning]

Rove's matrix has six nested levels, and each successive level has more elements than the last.
The relationship codes for each matrix have both transcendental and imaginary terms...dividing by zero is also permitted.

[johnd01]

That was disturbing.... so disturbing that I found myself prowling the neighborhood looking for the house of the green Subaru Outback with the rear window Kerry/Edwards appliqué… and beating the owner until I received the both the prescription and the 24/7 to the CVS… then rubbing the dung from the cat box over my Reynolds Wrap Heavy Duty Foil helmet as to provide cover from Rove’s satellites… He must not see me pick up the Prozac.... MY Prozac… precious Prozac…

[Bryan]

Minor point, but if your father's Rolex is "ticking", he got took...

[jeff]

Too brilliant!

[Rusty Shackleford]

Wait. I don't see Jeff Gannon's c*ck anywhere on the board?

[Bush Equals Valdemort]

The truth is out there!

Karl Rove is Master of the Dark Arts!

Chimpy Bushitler = Valdemort!

http://civilization-calls.mu.nu/archives/053413.html

[Ginny]

thanks and thanks for Dollywood and so much more.

[Dan J.]

I thought the first rule of the Rove Matrix was .. not to talk about the Rove Matrix?

[PajamaHadin]

Hilarious and very clever! You have quite the wit. Thanks for the entertainment.

[Tom]

Interesting.. but do the Reverse Vampires factor into it?

[BrewFan]

"But if you think "Gannon" was the conduit to Mapes you are barking up the wrong homo, my friend"

I know this marks me as slightly immature but I'll be damned if that's not the funniest thing I've read in a long time!

[Larry CG]

"yellowcake"

Now that's funny right there, I don't care who you are!

[Jeremy]

I just knew the Bass Pro Shop was involved.

[bobthebellbuoy]

Egads, with a sleuth like you on the case Rove is glue!