13th Floor Elevator

Boy howdy, I likes me them essay contests. Trouble is, I think they're rigged. Like a couple of years ago, when the DNC had an essay contest on the theme of  "Why I Am a Democrat." Even after emailing them my entry twenty or thirty  times, and after several hundred follow-up phone calls, I still don't know which prize I won.

Still, I just can't resist the thrill of the competion, the intoxicating aroma from the arena of essay combat. That's why I was excited to learn (through Logical Meme) that The American Prospect magazine is soliciting 30-word or less "elevator pitches" for The Liberal Agenda:

Well, we all know the basic outline of conservatism's elevator pitch: "We believe in freedom and liberty, and we're for low taxes, less government, traditional values, and a strong national defense." But what is liberalism's? We at the Prospect have, among us, attended or sat on about eleventy hundred panels since the election at which someone invariably says something like the following: "We know what conservatives stand for. But what do we stand for?"  No one in Washington seems to know. So we turn to you. Give us liberalism's elevator pitch.

Will any of my entries win? To ask the question is to misunderstand the soul of the essay competitor. For, at the end of the day, the true essay contest warrior does not look to the scoreboard; the true victor wipes off the blood of the battlefield, limps to the sideline, and says: "I gave my all."

DAVE'S ELEVATOR PITCHES FOR THE LIBERAL AGENDA

• Feel how this elevator is moving up? That's what Liberalism is about: moving people up. Hey you zombies, stop looking at the door! I'm talking to you! About Liberalism.
• Unlike jingoistic Conservatism, Liberalism is complex and very hard to boil down to thirty words or less, but I will: The essence of Liberalism is freedom. And progress. And... wait a minute. That first part doesn't count against the thirty word limit, does it? I'm sure there were some hyphenates, and think I used 'it' and 'in' a couple of times, so they really shouldn't count. C'mon dude, do-over.
• I'll tell you what it Liberalism doesn't stand for: Bush. And you can just take that to the bank, mister. Damn straight. Mmm hmm. Okay, how many words is that?
• Liberalism means unfettered freedom of speech, relentlessly speaking your mind, without... hey man, you're getting off on the wrong floor! This is only 8! I saw you push 32!
• If not for safety laws passed by Liberals, this elevator would now be plummeting helplessly to the bottom of the shaft. And a fat lot of good your precious Jesus would do you.
• Even in your advanced gestation, Liberals stand for your right to a safe, legal abortion. You're not pregnant? Whoaaa, my bad. tch-tch-tch-tch-tchoot... I hate these uncomfortable silences, don't you?
• What do Liberals stand for? Just look around this elevator: braille buttons for the blind; official elevator permits; and this brave African-American passenger, finally freed from her slavemasters -- by Liberals.
• Liberalism means expanding marriage rights to gay couples like you. Not gay?  Oh.  I just thought, well, you guys looked, umm, tch-tch-tch-tch-tchoot...
• Liberals believe that everyone deserves a ride on the elevator of freedom. Let us now push each button as a testament to our commitment to inclusion.
• Let's move beyond the old tired arguments about who's to blame for the fart. Liberals, like me, want to work together to find a vent to our common elevator car.

Comments

[Thomas Jefferson]

"Liberalism is a fight for equality and inclusion. "

What ever happened to liberalism meaning being left along from government interference? Now it's a fight to impose equality. And everytime I look at the deductions on my paycheck I can tell there's a whole lotta "inclusion" going on. I do wonder sometimes where it goes.

[a secret admirer]

Be my valentine.

[George]

From Prospect: Liberals do not believe that government is separate from society; government is part of society, a reflection of our highest ideals that promote the common good while protecting the individual.

... and by "our" highest ideals, we don't mean the ideals of those unwashed cretins out in Jesusland.

... and, just to clarify, the part where people get to keep their own property is decidedly NOT on the list of "our" highest ideals.

... in fact, the whole "property" thing is really a non-starter for us.

... economic freedom? *snort* Now that's a laugh! Just hand over the cash, dude.

[George]

Liberalism: Capitalism is cool ... I mean, somebody's got to earn a living around here, am I right?

[NoIvory]

Liberalism is a fight for equality and inclusion. It's very different from the hate-filled, ill-informed rheteric in this thread.

[N. O'Brain]

Liberalism: Reaction, higher taxes, more government.

HAH! 6 words.

When was the last time a liberal had a new idea?

-N. O'Brain

[Vlad]

Don't know whether you know or not, but Prospect linked to your entries.

[Joe Bonforte]

Gosh, this is easy. The two ingredients needed have already been supplied:

1. What Republicans believe: "We believe in freedom and liberty, and we're for low taxes, less government, traditional values, and a strong national defense."

2. Democratic National Committee chair Howard Dean said: "I hate Republicans and everything they stand for."

So... here's what Democrats must believe:

"We believe in tyranny and oppression, and we're for high taxes, more government, immorality, and a weak or non-existent national defense."

Easy as pie. I'm surprised the American Prospect didn't pick up on this.

[richard mcenroe]

I made the mistake of reading the actual American Prospect list aloud. My apartment is now floating westward above the San Fernando Valley at about 300 feet.

On the other hand, all that hot air has really cleaned out my sinuses...

[Bobo]

We belive that thinking is for experts, not the Little People. So just hand over the loot, do what we say and it'll all be better someday.

or

I could tell you but then I'd have to kill you and/or send you to the Colorado U Ethnic Studies Department.

or

Liberalism is - I feel your pain and I want your money.

[LARWYN]

Work with the MINORITY party to be included in the Minority Gravytrain.
The MSM, University Professors, and the Courts will help
you get the benefits. OUR GOAL: EVERY AMERICAN A MINORITY!

(30 WORDS!)

[ccr]

I'm afraid I can't stretch these out to thirty words.

Liberalism: From each according to his ability to each according to his or her skin pigmentation.

Liberalism: Sending those who actually run things to the guillotine for over two centuries.

Liberal (n): A conservative whose been drugged.

Nobody rises from the grave to vote Republican.

Liberalism assuages the guilt of the elites by taking money from the middle class and giving it to bureaucrats.

Liberal government spports the rights of minorities over the rights of the majority and the rights of groups over the rights of individuals.

All people equally have the right to decide America's course, even if they aren't American citizens.

You have the right to kill a fetus, but not a rapist. You have the right to say anything you like as long as you agree with us.

Feelings.

We want government to give you your rights.

[PukingDog]

Your elevator pitches are hilarious, but not nearly as funny as the actual entries from the contest, such as these gems:
"Liberalism is the philosophy that the government should leave people alone, and should expend a substantial portion of our national income on the common good. --G.A., Santa Barbara, CA "
Right, leave us alone while taking a sizable portion of our income! That's my kind o' government!
"We defend democracy at home and abroad, hold our leaders accountable, and foster prosperity, opportunity and responsibility--the gatekeepers of our liberty and the moral obligation of us all.--J.P."
In other words, we will defend democracy, as long as no Republican Commander-in-Chief is leading the way, no risk is involved, and we have the blessing of France and the UN.

[BKWillis]

Liberalism: because with government's help, everything in America could be as wonderful as a public school.

[Daddy Wags]

Genius. Not as funny as your 2005 preview, but funny just the same

[Cynic]

Enjoy your posts.
From my side of the world the view I get of liberals is that they consider victims guilty until proven agressors.

[utron]

Like Adrian, I decline to say which of these sent the coffee spraying out of my nostrils. And BTW, Iowahawk, nice retro-hip Sixties musical reference in the title. Kind of sets the tone for the whole piece...

[neoliberal]

I was a Kerry voter (reluctantly), but this is still some funny shit, and perfectly captures why I changed my party affiliation to Independent. I think "Why I Am a Democrat" was even funnier, though.

[Bob]

Liberals: We're the tender father and strong mother you always wanted -- and all the God you need.

[Roky E.]

How's this:

"Liberalism means free drugs to treat your psychosis, even if you don't post on Democratic Underground. 'nuff said."

Posted by: Cornfed | February 9, 2005 10:18 PM

That's what I always thought it was.

[song_and_dance_man]

My former mother in law arrived at our newly acquired 3 bedroom and rather nicely placed desert hothovel in the hills overlooking the barren, and still barren desert of Death Valley, and the Whatcumacallit River, to exclaim in desperate panic that Chomsky(not his real name) had left Cucamonga in a fight over Meth, (yep, it’s the rocks real name, Cucamanga that is) taking the monies from a recently ‘cashed’ second or third or last mortgage( is it true that mortgage is French for death grip?).

Zsa Zsa(akahohum) cries as I opened the hothovel door, “Chomsky has left with the dough and I don’t know where!”

“Come in” I say, (wink, there’s no way in hell I’ll ever be that vulnerable) “ what happened?”

We all know already, so.. ready? We pray. Yes we prayed. My wife, Whichone (not her real name, but I guess you guessed that) asks her to stay the night. “No, I can’t” says Chomskys wife (for the moment) and so she leaves.

Now that night I had a dream. And I’m not talking purple and gree’en. It’s gold and zero gravity. OK since your gray matter asks before your eyes can catch up. Just read.

I find myself wading through a surging mass of frantic people who buffer me towards a golden elevator.
The sprawl of the place hinted of busy, lots of people, noise and clinking. As I walk up to the elevators golden doors slide open to reveal an attendant of unequaled (beauty, attractiveness) angelic form.

“Which floor?” he asked. “13th” I respond… knowing the significance of it all. I rise and feel apprehension as I sense a very real place of danger… “The 13th floor. There are Angels up there” the attendant says as the doors close.

The door parts and I see two attendants who seem (as Sam said, ‘fair yet foul’) to be anticipating my arrival. As I cross the threshold of the elevator doors I see a Black Hand clasp itself around my head and push me to the ground. I struggle to move but it is hopeless. I am bound by this demon. I see a phone and attempt to crawl towards it, but at every move the fingers of black tighten their grip. I awake.

The nest day I tell my wife the dream and she says what needs so be said to a Death Valley wannabe trailer trash dumpster diving dreamer. So I call Mrs. Chomsky and tell her my dream tale, “Chomsky is in a place where lots of people are, and he has fallen and has attempted to crawl and reach the phone to call you, but he can’t, because he’s on the floor struggling.” And as I am speaking with ‘Hohum’, Hohum hangs up and I decide never, ever to dream in Death Valley never, ever again.

The next morning.

My hohum former mother in law arrived at our newly acquired 3 bedroom and rather nicely placed desert hothovel in the hills overlooking the barren, and still barren desert of Death Valley, and the Whatcumacallit River, to exclaim in desperate panic that Chomsky had been found. “Where I ask?”

Wide eyed and full of fear Hohum declares, “Chomsky was found on the 14th floor of a Vegas hotel room paralyzed from a bad hip and meth struggling towards the room phone,

I get a peaceful easy feeling, I know you won’t let me down….

[Vox Poplar]

Liberalism is standing for progressive ideals, then dumping all those ideals because a Republican dares to defend them from Usama Bin Ladin.

And no, I'm not trying to be funny.

[Jeff]

How about this entry from the American Prospect itself (with a minor embellishment from me): A liberal believes that the purpose of government is to improve the life of its citizens, whether they want it or not.

[mnw]

Liberalism, my fellow elavatees, is like that lovely Muzak we're enjoying even now: free, mandatory, inescapable, chosen by someone who knows what's good for us. Everybody sing along! Or else.

[dittybopper]

I think Howard Dean summed up liberalism best last week when he said "I hate Republicans and everything they stand for". This fits nicely with the sound-bite and bumper-sticker thinking that passes for deep thought on the left.

[Vitamin Tom]

Liberism is: "From each according to his ability, to each according to his need."

Or is that Communism? It's so hard to tell anymore.

[spd rdr]

Liberalism is always having to say you're sorry.

8 words.

[Pavel]

The erudition of Al Sharpton; the straight talking of John Kerry; the strong leadership of Jimmy Carter; the scholarship of Ward Churchill. American Liberalism: We're just snuggly

27 words.

[skinbad]

One of my friends lived one of your slogans. He asked a very large lady when she was due. She not only told him she wasn't pregnant, but that her large stomach was due to a huge tumor and she didn't have any insurance to see a doctor. Now THAT was a long thirty-floor ride.

[Matt in Denver]

A lot of the real ones kind of make me want to go see if my car stereo and xenons are still there. For me, liberalism is neatly summed up by an old joke:

Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: That's NOT FUNNY.

[P.B.S. Watcher]

As funny as your entries are, the real ones are even funnier.

[iowahawk]

Nothing personal guys, but let's check the indignant harangues at the door, 'mkay? Joking is welcome here, from either the Left or the Right. Spleen venting is not welcome - from either the Left or Right. My house, my rules.

[SmallishBees]

"Modern liberalism is all about every fetus's unalienable right to be aborted."

[Cornfed]

How's this:

"Liberalism means free drugs to treat your psychosis, even if you don't post on Democratic Underground. 'nuff said."

[Thomas Jefferson]

Liberalism means that convicted murderers have the right to life, that people have the right to choose not to work, that unions have the right to tax you, that judges have the right to suppress all public expression of faith.

[BrewFan]

These essays are very similar to a nightmare I keep having: I'm in an elevator with Michael Moore, Ted Kennedy, Nancy Pelosi, and Barbara Boxer. And *they* are naked!! Yeeeeaaaaarrrrrgh!

[John from WuzzaDem]

I'm embarrassed to say which one made me laugh the hardest, so please don't ask.

[Adrian]

You know, I only discovered you a few weeks ago (although I've read everything on your site, I think). You are truly a treasure and I know people may be compelled to try to one-up you (there being so many possible 30-word essays on liberal-dopia) but all I can say about adding to to your work is:

We're not worthy!