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Granny Jan sorry for calling you a chuncky -old woman, I mistaked the message from Freds.


Hey Granny Jan sorry, I have never been on this site, I thought sender was above not below. However Fred the ten bucks is still on ya little pussy


Hey Fred nice memo about Brad Lohaus. Seems like you might have a little to much time on your hands, seriously-- Get a life. maybe go f yourself

Kinsey Gonder

Thanks to my little 13 year old brother, who doesn't have a life and came upon your memo about Brad and about myself. TEN bucks to the person who can provide me with Granny Jans source. By the way Don't you have anything better to do, get a life! Get involved maybe volunteer at the church overlooking Linn Street!


I thought Dave Barry had quit?

Zendo Deb

Laughed again as I reviewed this. Do the members of the Eastern Elite (and Calf. too) know how ridiculous they are when they go on about the red states?

Seán Fitzpatrick

I liked the touches of pretentious erudition fallen short: “de Koonig” painting; “poured” over a map; miles “elapsing”. I’ll take your word for the quiche-eater brand names, though.


You are one funny hawk.
I just hope there's a sequel, book or movie.


You remind me of Patrick Macmanus, which is about the loftiest compliment I can offer. Superlative.


It's like watching Animal Planet for Wingbats. "Crikey! I'm gonna put this beer in front of this neocon, and then pull it away when he grabs for it. This is really dangerous. don't try this at home kids!"

The BBC did the same thing a little while ago, I only came up with one article out of it: Dances With Neocons:


One word - brilliant.






Totally hilarious. I'm a left-wing blue stater who fled the exurbs screaming, but I hope none of my fellow commies took Von Drehle seriously.

"Tawny stubble"...Von Drehle, yer Harlequin-bound!


Good punctuation!


Encore! Encore!


I'd almost believe it to be true, except...

There is no Casey's in Avoca.

The bloggers shall be deconstructing the rest of your article any minute now, exposing you as a fraud and shill for the liberal media.


Brilliant! Just too darned funny!

Fred C

Great stuff.
However, you should know that the Airliner has been closed for several months due to too many underage drinking tickets. Poor Brad Lohaus has been reduced to ripping people off on ebay. And Pretense doesn't overlook the pentacrest; it's on Linn St., hence the name (five bucks to the person who gets that one).

Granny Jan

I think you've eaten too many dead animals, half-cooked with barbque sauce. Yahoo!!! I love it.





This is absolutely brilliant stuff. Thank God I discovered the blogosphere :-)


Should hve stopped in Wisconsin


Ed Gein


Quite possibly--no, definitely--the funniest blog post I've ever read in my life. Stunningly hilarious, especially after I just finished King Solomon's Mines.

Charles Bird

The best journal of intrepid exploration into the mysterious unknown since Ronnie Bwana, Jungle Guide. What a hoot!

Zendo Deb

Do they even make Falstaff anymore?


I laughed, I cried (when it ended abruptly... desperately wanted to reach "Kurtz") You are just the prick for the hypocrisy balloon... uh, that didn't sound much like a compliment... sorry!

Iconic Midwesterner

This kind of writing is relatively easy to do, but very difficult to make truly funny.

This piece is truly funny.


Why are you not getting rich off of this stuff?


Fantastic piece. I can't stop chuckling. I excerpted and linked back to here, but I don't know how to use trackback, so here's your ping, and......More, please!

E.T. Bryan

Thanks for your website. Although I often try, I can't seem to get to the end of one of your pieces without laughing out loud at some point.

Agree with "fluke_boy", this one would make a really nice satirical novel along the lines of "Bored of the Rings".


Sheer brilliance.

Thank you.


Good piece, my boy, with a fine sense of pacing, an even nicer sense of spacing...Just a damm fine job of capturing the "soul" of my people with yr prescient observations.

And then it stopped...

Right close to where I live.

Ironical, no?

Assistant Village Idiot

If'n his car were to break down, and a passer-by were able to fix it, he'd be pleasantly surprised. Might even give him a new outlook.

It'll be fun when he visits a "cherch," too, expecting screamers and accosters and getting regular Presbyterians or something. Still not Episcopalians, though, so he won't get it.

This set of comic posts have been magnificent. I'm trotting over to Roger Simon's to suggest he do the screenplay.



You are a human toaster. God spare the poor slice that comes into the embrace of your reddened coils. (Do those people still eat regular bread?)

Wacky Hermit

Iowahawk-- send the guy into Utah, the state that voted for Bush by the highest percentage of any other state. Watch him squirm like the green jello salad that passes for a vegetable dish! It'd be just DELICIOUS to read!

Robert McDonough

Most excellent!


Abstract Mom:

Speaking of Twin Bings, send me more of those discrete snapshots.


Mmmm-Twin Bings.


Hawk, thank YOU! For writing this piece, and for creating this blog.

SK - You are tougher than I am. After only a few paragraphs I ended my agony and ditched the wretched piece of trash.
Why do ilk like that reporter insist on crawling out of their liberal cess pools to come bother the rest of us? He had his mind
made up about the people he met before he had taken the fist step of his journey.

W's Neighbor

You're one funny sumbitch, you know that ?


Brilliant. Thank you. Joseph Conrad would be proud.


Hawk - You ought to be published. There ought to be a screenplay made from this. It's just outstanding. The Blue will not be able to withstand this kind of vicious onslaught.



Reminded me of my many stops at Mama Js before 88 hits 80.


It's Funny Because It's True.

I think the very best part of the article (besides all those funny, funny words) was the "34" pages at the end. When I tried to read Drehle's original article, I was so overwhelmed by the turgid, self-satisfied prose that when I got to the end and saw it was what--Ten pages long? Twenty?--I was utterly defeated and gave up. I finally just read Lileks and Blair and the others who were willing to do the heavy lifting for me. I just wasn't strong enough. Thanks, Hawk, for taking this onerous duty upon yourself for our sakes.



Just too damn good.



Please consider publishing a collection of your essays.

Think of all the people who could mail copies to their relatives living in the blue states.



i am so disappointed in this article.

no matter how many times i clicked on the links for pages 2-34, nothing happened.

now i will never know whether they found any minorities at all in places like oklahoma, land of the red man. although i hear that the existence of indians is just a rumor. certainly von drehle never reported any.

anyway, please email me the rest.


"We don' git many furren co-respondents 'round heah."

I can hardly wait for the obligatory Friday-night-high-school-football-game-in-Texas scene.

Carry on, sir.


You're on a roll, you could make a great novel from this story. Tie in some VRWC plot and Hillary rescuing the group from a Bush underground bunker, etc...
Thx for the laughs.




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