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My jaws ache, my shirt is wet, and I can't put into words how brilliant this work is. So let's just leave it there..... No, I can't do that....

Thank you for what you have produced. I would hate to be at the end of your rapier wit. You are a Master, and there are few of them. If you never do any other short story in your life, you will be remembered for this one. I have bookmarked you directly underneath Drudge for my daily reading and look forward to your further works. Thanks again for the guffaws!


“At midnight I hopped in my Oldsmobile V8 and drove the barren, winding roads of Long Island to Idlewild airport.”

That was rich. I can imagine Rather actually talking about rushing to Idlewild.

And is Khrushchev still at Idlewild?

They say, sometimes late at night you can still hear him banging his shoe there.

Mary in LA

[jumps to feet]
Bravo, Iowahawk, bravo!!! :-D

Re: "dude", above:

"And not just every cornpone can spell Chalmondley. (I guess that's more of an audible gag. Oh, well.)"

Yes, very true -- especially since it's actually spelled "Cholmondeley"... [sheepish grin]

See for more info and a humorous anecdote. :-)

max wyeth

Iowahawk smacks in the chiseled kisser.

Anselmo Cardinal Trentino

Yes, he's a dick and walks around in a trenchcoat.

A splendid bit of work, Hawk.

Ken Hall

Brilliant, Hawk. It reminded me of Harvey Kurtzman's "Thelonious Violence."

R.L.A. Schaefer

Clearly Rather's agent number is now 000.


Excellent, and it was nice of you to embelish the physical prowess of Nick Coleman. I could hear my dad laughing from the great beyond...he hated that S.O.B.

Robin Goodfellow

37 Across: 12 letter internet acronym for deliciously spectacular hilarity.


Rowan Atkinson as the "Dick," Dan Rather; Leslie Neilson as Moonves. I see a great movie in the works.

The Dread Pundit Bluto

It's aces, baby, aces. I laughed. I cried. I boiled in my pants.


Hawk, "Rubenesque cheekbones???"

David St Lawrence

Just masterful!

The first blogosphere classic of 2005
and you are just hitting your stride....


Absolutely freekin' criminal.

FWIW, tho, the 148 teeth at Neyland Stadium is about twice the amount of teeth you would find at Legion Field...

Iron Fist

If she weren't so damned sexy - in a plain, pale mousy way -

Style: 10

Artistry: 10

Brutality: 27 1/2

Complete evisceration: priceless

Well done, holmes ;-P

Ron Nutter

Very, very good. Reading this made my day. I particularly laughed out loud at Nick Coleman careening out of control as "the dick" questioned the Powerline folks.



Tim McNabb


I think I had a stroke, the left side of my face is all droopy.

Tim McNabb

everybody calls me dude

"My name is Rather. And I'm a dick." Oh, yeah.

This screams to be in paperback. Headline: BLOGGER GOES DEADTREE!! OWLS CONCERNED.

And not just every cornpone can spell Chalmondley. (I guess that's more of an audible gag. Oh, well.)

Jim Treacher

azul93gt mentioned my favorite line.



Kudos on some masterful satire.


Reading this hilarious satire, I hear the INSPECTOR GADGET theme play in my mind:

"Dum-de-dum de-dum Inspector Rather... dum-de-dum de-dum dum dum Woo-Hoo!"

Brilliant. When's the BEST OF IOWAHAWK book released? :)

Bob Huffaker

Burge's "Farewell" is hilarious. Check out Rather's epigram to the final chapter of When the News Went Live: DALLAS 1963, Taylor Trade ISBN 1589791398

Here, finally, is the view from the street about November 22, 1963. This reporters' account of the Kennedy assassination brings to full focus the personal anguish as well as the professional pressure endured that day by those who could not take the time to cry. This book will become part of the real and permanent history of a dark day for America. Jim Lehrer, The NewsHour

The first accounts of how the Kennedy assassination happened came from the local radio and TV reporters of Dallas. For the first time, some of the best of those reporters tell the gritty tale of how they did it. The story they tell is riveting, insightful and filled with new detail about that awful weekend that changed America. Bob Schieffer, CBS News Chief Washington Correspondent

People often ask me "what it was really like" to be in Dallas on the day Kennedy was shot. . . . When the News Went Live provides an eloquent answer to that tough question, as four newsmen who were there, on the ground, tell how it "really was" through their eyes and ears. Dan Rather, CBS News

This book has more legs than the Rockettes. The slim page-turner possesses a crisp, objective quality that, like a good movie, never stops moving. Kent Biffle, The Dallas Morning News

This work brings immediacy and intensity to events that shook the nation. You are there with the four, on the streets, at the hospital, along the flower-strewn Grassy Knoll the day after, in the jail as Oswald is paraded for the press and then for murder live on TV. Interwoven with this is the perspective of forty years from men grown old, who still live with November 1963. Sterlin Holmesly, The San Antonio Express-News

The integrity and dedication of these four veteran journalists is impressive, as is their ability to make a 40-year-old event come alive again. Publishers Weekly

. . . a fast-paced recounting of what they witnessed. . . . It concludes with two thought-provoking chapters about the business of news and its uncertain future. Recommended for academic and public libraries devoting space to journalism. Library Journal

. . . a riveting account not only of the assassination but of TV's transformation into America's most dominant news source. William Endicott, The Sacramento Bee

. . . a first-class account of a tragic historical moment that still has an impact on our nation.
Ken Judkins, The Lewisville Leader

Sir Not Appearing in this Blog

"A bedtime story?" she vamped, her cheekbones throbbing colyly.



Fine work.

p.s. The orange line of dental destruction could also apply to those folks in Austin. Burnt Orange still being orange, and frankly slightly effete.



Excellent as always, Iowahawk. You know, Dave Barry is taking a leave of absence from his column, so I think the country's newspapers need a new humor columnist.

Daniel in Brookline

Brilliant!! I can't wait for the TV miniseries.

Old Grouch

Kyda: It's the second! Hit the "Inspector Dan Rather" link below the title.

Kyda Sylvester

"Dying's easy; comedy's hard."

How great is this! I hope it's but the first in a series.

Bizzy Halder

Sheer brilliance as usual Hawk.

I second the motion for a complete novel. I'd buy as I have nothing but time on my hands.

Better yet . . . get in touch with the folks at Jib Jab and work this into another one of their classic clips that spread like wildfire over the net. Do it now. I'll pay for this one. Promise.


Real bad gaffe... but its okay :)

The Nick Coleman stuff was especially good. And the InstaManor.


Dick Nixon

Mary's '99 Hyundai!! LMAO! NEVER, NEVER, EVER, impugn the character of a high-powered lefty newswoman by saying she putts around in a Korean tin can!! If you're going to slander with fiction, at least give her the dignity of one of those Volvo 4-wheel-drive luxo-wagons.


"For a lawyer and a banker, you two seem to know a lot about documents,"

You crack me up.


uh, Nick Coleman. Bad gaffe. sorry.


OH MY HEAD! Fabulous. Nick Berg stuck in a wire trash can! "Chalmondley" ROTFLMAO.


Will Collier

Heh. Speaking for everybody else who went to SEC schools where the people don't dress like traffic cones, you haff my gwatitude.

One correction, though: Military officers *do* refer to each other as "bro" and "dude"--especially fighter pilots...

Axel Kassel

A hit, Sir. A most palpable hit.


This was effin' hilarious

Purple Fury

Glad to see ole Dan R. managed to recover from his earlier misadventures with the ACME rocket skates.

This is awesome, Iowahawk. Thank you!


You are the best - and all the SEC/ACC (non-UT) folks I just sent this link to are in agreement with Fitz - 148 is WAY too many.


You are evil. I laughed so hard that I think I damaged my ribs, and you should have KNOWN this was going to happen. Yes did this on purpose. My lawyer will be contacting you soon.



Can we get this on TV somewhere?

Way too funny.


I was hoping for a Wonkette butt-plug and you came through with the perfect money shot.

Mr. Dart

The Knoxville perfesser's response to the Neyland Stadium joke caused coffee to travel through the nose. Thanks Hawk.

SSG Pooh



Neyland Stadium or Carrier Dome?


This was brilliant! Please, puh-lease write more episodes of Inspector Dan, the dick.


Consensus here in Atlanta is that 148 teeth is a generous estimate.


You're cookin' with gas, daddy-o! Scott Ott has nothing on you.


Totally brilliant - thank you!!!

Abu Qa'Qa

I only wish the Hawk would get an old photo of himself for this blog. Say something from the sixties!

My name is Rather and I'm a dick! ROTFL


"My name is Rather. And I'm a dick."

Contextual perfection.


Sorry to post again. But please try to actually write an entire dan rather detective novel. It would sell. I am dead serious. He would be the funniest pulp fiction detective ever!!!


You are frickin Hillarious!!!

Go hawks by the way from a fellow Iowa alum. Looks like your workshop experience paid off.

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